Saturday, November 15, 2008

Tales from the Drunk Side: Vi Vagina Veniversum Vivus Vici

I wrote this before, I think. But hey. Who the fuck gives a shit?

Vi vagina veniversum vivus vici. V.V.V.V.V.

It means, 'by the power of the vagina, I, while living, have conquered the universe'.

I came from a vagina.

Between the legs of a woman. Born screaming 'fuck tha poh-lease!', 'fuck all-a-you motherfuckers!'.

And in subsequent years, I came into vaginas. Or unto vaginas. What's obscure enough to mean either ejaculating into vaginas or that I found vaginas?

My fascination with the vagina is, I suspect, a healthy one. My obsession with the clitoris, meanwhile, is good for me. And it is also good for you.

The vagina is a wondrous, mysterious thing.

For instance, it bleeds once a month, but it never dies.

Thus, I believe that vaginas are immortal. Like Claire Bennet.

Thus spoke Zarathustra!

And, it is small enough to grab dicks (in rare cases, some women can control their vaginal muscles), deliver a baby and even for a bald man to stuff his head in. I don't know why you have to be bald, but it is how the video was shown.

Hence, I postulate that the vagina has amazing, magical stretching powers. Like Mr Fantastic himself - Reed Richards.

Now, inside the vagina, one inch above the clitoris, on the front side of the vaginal canal, is the G-spot.

In order to reach the G-spot, you must insert your dick, finger, dildo or pen and find a nub where nerves converge at a nexus.

One common myth about the vagina is that the opening of the vagina is the vagina itself. This is not true, according to Cheepork.

"The front of the vagina is actually the vulva. The vagina is the whole shebang."

Or possibly simply the vaginal canal.

Yes, a canal, like in Venice. I mean, Panama. And the Suez.

Therefore, the Panama Canal is the Panama Vagina. And Terusan Wan Mat Saman is Wan Mat Saman's Vagina? Unbelievable? Believe it!

The vagina has labias (latin for lips). Labia majora is the bigger, outer lips. While the smaller, inner lips are called labia minora( not to be confused with Menora, which is a lost dance from the lost kingdom of Langkasuka. It is lost, but strangely enough is performed by many dancers.)

As seen in Bangkok, vaginas eat solid food, and likes to drink Coke. When feeling especially playful, the vagina can play table tennis.

When upset, the vagina can swallow razor-blades. On its birthday, vaginas can blow candles.

Multi-talented, the vagina also has a penchant for music. In Phuket, I met a number of charming old vaginas that play the horn quite well. With my travelling companion Cheepork, we agreed that we were most mystified by the wonders of the vagina and what it can do, as we ran away screaming, wishing we had never seen such acts. Unfortunately, the brain, unlike the vagina, has no erase button.

The squirting effect seen in many videos are either:

a. Vaginal juices exiting at high speeds


b. Pee. Urine. Piss.


c. Yo mama's cunt juice.

Check your answer.

Mostly A: You are a believer in unicorns and dragons and fairies. You might be a fairy.

Mostly B: You are a realist who read technical manuals.

Mostly C: You want to be black.

Like an ancient God, vaginas have many names.

Pussy. Cunt. Vijayjay (Oprah Winfrey's pet name for her vagina). Pantat. Puki. Burit. Cibai. Cipap. Anwar.

Not knowing this, uneducated she was to the ways of the vagina, my neighbour named her cat 'pussy'.

My neighbour is an ignoramous.

And thus I conclude this short dissertation on the vagina.