Saturday, October 31, 2009

Amir Hafizi Vs Liberal Douchebags

Around two days ago, I sent a comment to a Malaysian 'liberal' website.

The story was a conspiracy theory about how there is a concerted effort to paint PKR as a party in disarray.

My comment was simple:

"There has always been a concerted effort to discredit PKR. Since day 1. Oops. Since day -365. The only difference is that there are now enough stuff happening to give some sort of weight to the claims."

Or something like that.

And you know what these champions of free speech did? Yeah, that's right. They did not publish my comments. The only ones that got through were the ball-carriers who kiss the 'liberalism' ass on a day-to-day basis, and perhaps later, some retarded UMNO fuckers who only know how to curse and scream.

Well. I don't have much else to do, in-between my work duties as well as my projects, so I decided to pick a fight with any and all self-proclaimed liberals in Malaysia.

I haven't had a good fight in a while, so I decided to pick on Malaysia's very own liberal douchebags because they're the easiest target available.

It's like being in a 200m race with a paraplegic who has two airplanes tied to his body, taking him in the opposite direction.

I mean, consider this.

Being 'liberal' means that you stand for the right of everyone having the freedom to express themselves in whatever way they want.

This includes speech, art, clothing, political affiliation, religion, religious extremism, even bigotry and domestic abuse.

To not include any and all forms of expression, beliefs or whatever means you are not a liberal. NOT a liberal at all.

So whoever claims to be a liberal, please step forward so I can beat you up. And you can't retaliate because being liberal, you must protect my right to express myself by beating you up.

I am not a liberal. I draw my line somewhere - child pornography and child prostitution. Rape and domestic abuse. Almost everything else is fair game.

Man, I would love to see anyone defending either child porn or how they can be liberal without defending child porn.

This is an open invitation. Come one, come all.

Conversation Killers

Even though I am like, Zen Master and shit, sometimes I feel like snapping. Like killing people.

Instead of people, I try and kill conversations. Doesn't work with people I know, but with strangers, these gems always do the trick:

1. Conversations with Women

Set-up: You just had a long day, and some women you don't know are trying to figure you out. As in, they are trying to judge you, whether you are fuck-worthy or not.

If I'm tired, I do this:

Line: I like girls whose vaginas don't smell.

Reaction: Most women will get self-conscious and try to explain and rationalise the smell of their vaginas. They can't, because unless they are pangolins or Romanian-acrobat-class contortionists, they don't know how their vaginas smell.

CAPTION: Pangolin.

CAPTION: Romanian Olympic-class contortionist (artist's impression)

Unless it's really, really disgusting, of course, and they can smell it from a few feet away. After a while, they give up and go to the toilet in a futile attempt to smell their vaginas.


Woman: I am in so much menstrual pain, therefore, I am better than you! Boo fucking hoo!

Me: I like girls whose vaginas don't smell.

W(getting defensive): vagina doesn't smell that bad. I mean, it doesn't smell. Err.. excuse me, I need to go to the ladies'.


2. Conversations with Women II

Set-up: Same as in 1. You just had a long day, and some women you don't know are trying to figure you out. As in, they are trying to judge you, whether you are fuck-worthy or not.

If I'm tired, I do this:

LINE: I love fucking prostitutes in Thailand.

Reaction: Righteous outrage. Long-winded conversations and justifications for the eradication of prostitution and how prostitution is wrong and bla bla blabla. This effectively kills everyone's good time - or their idea of it anyway. This works wonders with Feminazis.

Caption: It's not hypocrisy when you do it.


Femi-Nazis: I love Thailand!

Me: Me, too! I love fucking prostitutes in Thailand.

FN: Whatwhatwhat?!


3. Conversations with Liberals/Conservatives

Set-up: Liberals and conservatives are basically the same people - loud-mouthed douchebags who think they're right and everyone else are wrong. They should just stop being on opposite sides and just call themselves assholes, cause that's what they are.

I especially hate liberals in Malaysia, because they're not really liberal at all. Just conservatives on an opposing side of something.

Usually, liberals are angry at something someone said or did. They forget that the very cornerstone of liberalism is freedom.

LINE: But what about freedom of speech?

Reaction: Every person who claims to be liberal starts blubbering like a vagina after they discover that they are really red-neck conservatives in disguise. They sure are 'more than meets the eye'.

CAPTION: Douchebags wearing Old Navy


Liberal: You know what that guy said? He said that [insert seditious/racist/bigot/slanderous comment here]! How dare he! I want to tell him to shut the FUCK up!

Me: But...what about freedom of speech?

Lib...Douchebag!: vagina doesn't smell...

Posting from My Blackberry Curve Gemini 8520

At last! My arm is complete again!

Friday, October 30, 2009

The Hunt for a Black (berry) October - A Boron Adventure

Previously, on Zeroes:

Me: Oh no! I took my Blackberry into the shower and now it's in paiiiiinnn! Oh paiiiiinnnn!

Me: My Blackberry is dead! dead! Deeeaaaadddd!

So I woke up today at 1pm - way earlier than I planned - and went to Midvalley Megamall.

My intention was simple:

1. Get a Blackberry for under RM1,000. This is simple - just register with Celcom and I can have the new Blackberry Curve Gemini 8520 for RM588.

2. Restore my data and do some work.

I do not mind:

1. Switching service providers.

2. Paying a little extra for Broadband.

This proved to be more difficult than I expected. I sabotaged myself by wearing frayed and torn shorts as well as a Singha T-shirt - I wear them cause I'm sexy - and this has lead to many shop assistants and salesmen not believing I was serious in purchasing anything.

The Celcom dude was friendly, but wasn't of much help. I knew more about Blackberry than he did, which was fine, but he got me worried because it seems that they might not be able to restore my data and settings because he was worried that Maxis and Celcom's systems might not be compatible. I thought they were one and the same, I mean, Blackberry-wise?

There was, however, an option to purchase just the Blackberry 8520 for RM1199.

The Celcom Exec 250 package, which I am still considering, has some hidden stuff in it. For example, you do get the Celcom Broadband, but it doesn't come with a modem. The modem is RM300++.

Plus, I am unsure whether or not it is compatible with my Maxis thingy.

Plus, porting a phone number takes 3-5 working days, and I needed to use my Blackberry now. TODAY! Actually, YESTERDAY!

Still, if anyone hasn't gotten any data plan or is thinking of getting a smartphone, I suggest the Blackberry Curve Gemini 8520 plus the Celcom Exec 250 package. At a top cost of around RM1100++ (inclusive of first payment deposit of RM300 for non-Celcom customers and the Celcom Broadband modem), you get a kick-ass Blackberry, perhaps 1-2 months of bills paid upfront, and a Celcom Broadband modem and RM98 Internet charges included in the 250 you pay every month.

So anyway, despite my bad experiences with the Maxis Center at Gardens, I decided to go there anyway, just in case they have anything of the sort.

Surprisingly, Maxis changed their staff, and I was talking to a short girl with spiky hair who was very friendly. A huge, huge improvement from the idiot they had there last time.

However, they did not have the Blackberry Curve Gemini 8520. They have the Blackberry Curve. I don't like the Blackberry Curve, but am willing to consider, if I had no options left.

Anyway, having restored my faith in humanity and Maxis customer service, I took a cab to Digital Mall in PJ.

Went to the Blue Cube, explained in detail what I wanted, and was told, simply, "We're out of stock."

I visited my old Blackberry at the smart phone ICU. It was under surgery and will be out for at least another day. I was hoping it would make a miraculous recovery.

Escalating things, I took a bus, and then the LRT and finally a cab to Low Yat, where I was told that 'everything is cheaper'.

It's not.

My mission had changed, by then. I was considering a used Blackberry, or even a China-made Blackberry knock-off called Blueberry.

The Blueberry costs around RM500, but considering the fact that I destroy a Blackberry every year, I might just kill it in two weeks.

And a used Blackberry? The Bold, second-hand, was priced at RM1155. Add 50 bucks, and I get a brand new one. So fuck that.

Most of the used Blackberrys were Storms. I hate touchpads. I have always hated touchpads since they invented it. The Storm is better than the iPhone, but no. Absolutely not.

I notice that the attitude of Low Yat shopkeepers have deteriorated. They are now mean and condescending.

I was laughed at by many Low Yat shopkeepers, with my questions. Questions like, "What is your cheapest Blackberry?" And the communication skills were almost non-existent.

Me: How much for the Blackberry Curve Gemini?

Shopkeeper: The Blackberry Germany?

Me: Umm...Gemini.

SK: Ya la. Germany. RM1399.

I went to one shop, and they had the Blackberry Curve Gemini at RM1199. I was tempted, but as soon as I asked about Made in China Blueberrys, one wise guy at the back shouted, "Want to use Blackberry, but want China one mah?"

Which is understandable. Blackberrys have become a fashion item. I don't really give a shit about how I look. I want the thing cause I got 10 years worth of contacts in my PC. I was just curious about China's Blueberrys. At that stage, if he had said to me, "China's knock-offs suck ass, but if you're just looking for a temporary smartphone, it can last you six months, perhaps. Just add a bit more and I'll give you a one year warranty," I would have bought the Blueberry.

But they didn't. So, I left.

I didn't get mad or anything. It's very simple. If you want my money and you are rude to me, I will react with no emotion, no hatred, and no money...for you.

I guess Low Yat is doing so well nowadays that they don't need my business. I am just one guy in torn shorts with a hard-on for one Blackberry. They must have contracts for thousands of netbooks or something.

Low Yat's Blue Cube also said they have no Blackberry in stock. Again, this is after I told them exactly what I wanted. I wasn't shopping around. They seem not to like that. They want you to perhaps agree with them on an item or something.

I went to Sg Wang, which had more humble people, but still I couldn't get a better deal than before. The Curve Gemini stands at RM1199 at the cheapest.

I had to come to a decision, and it was to purchase a new Blackberry, without any of the packages.

Feeling that the atmosphere of both Low Yat and Sg Wang to be a bit seedy, I decided to buy it from the Celcom Blue Cube outlet I had visited earlier. At the very least, that one looked respectable and would scurry to give me service - customer service.

So I took another cab to Megamall and withdrew money. With a fat wad of cash in my wallet, I went to the Celcom outlet...and was told that they did not have any in stock.

Wow. Three Blue Cube outlets, and not one Gemini 8520? Oh well.

I went to the Maxis Center in Gardens to perhaps get the Curve - my last option.

I went there, took a number, and was served by the same pleasant girl. Unfortunately, I was told that I would only get the Curve at a discount if I signed a 2-year contract with them. I was planning to switch to Celcom, so this was a drag.

Particularly after I discovered that if I were to break the contract - by porting my number to Celcom, for example -I would be charged the full cost of the phone (RM1999) as well as RM800 for something.

RM2800 for breaching a contract where I pay them money? I think these telcos need some competition. Go DiGi!

And, with my wallet still reeking of cash, I walked away. Not disgusted, as the salesgirl was good, but disappointed.

I was going to take yet another cab to Sg Wang and buy one Gemini from a nice salesman there, when I thought to give Megamall another try.

I walked to their IT section, went into a shop selling lots of different things, and asked the shopkeeper there.

"Do you have Blackberrys?"

He answered with a snortle and a chort. With a sneer, he shook his head. I was snickered at many times today, so I knew what to do.

No hate. No emotion. No money for you.

So I went to a stall next to the shop, and saw a Gemini.

Me: How much is this?

Salesman: Here.

And he began to do that annoying thing - typing the price on his calculator. Why do they have to do that? Am I deaf? It showed the figure RM1399.

I said, "Best price?"

And he typed some more on his calculator.


Me: Look, put it at RM1200, and I'll buy it right now. Cash.

I whipped out my wallet, and - whoop! There it is! - took out my hard-earned money.

The shopkeeper was having problems with the device. I handed him my thumbdrive with my saved data on it - luckily, I backed up last week - and that made him more stressed.

I told him I'd go for dinner and come back to pick the thing up.

Had spaghetti tom yam, ice lemon tea and a pot of Earl Grey two levels down. Then, I went back up and he was still failing! It was 9pm and I had to get back, soon.

Me: That's all right. Let me have it. I'll do it myself at home.

Before that, I went for a massage, just to ensure that at the very least, I would have a happy ending.

Back home, I had some tense moments as I found out that the old Blackberry software is not compatible with the Gemini. That, as well as the two chargers I had before this. The Gemini's hole or port is smaller and shaped slightly differently.

Had I gone through all that for nothing? Did I waste my RM1200?

After praying to the Gods of Technology and rebooting my PC twice, I was finally able to restore all data from last week.


Next week, I'm switching to Celcom. As a principle, I do not want to go with companies that would charge you ridiculous fees for breaking a contract pushed down your throat. Maxis has been good, but I think their sales planning does not really benefit consumers, for now.

I mean, I am paying a more expensive fee for my data package, and they do not have Blackberry models I want. Their sales people are now much better than before, I must say, and Celcom would do better to follow suit and improve on their knowledge and service.

I do not believe we should stop any company coming up with biased contracts, as it is their choice. Biased because if we fuck up, we have to pay through our noses. If they fuck up - say, their system is down for a few days - do we get a refund or get to charge exorbitant fees? No.

But fuck that shit, man. No emotion, no anger, just no money for you.

Tales from the Drunk Side: Mirrormask

I was assuming the lotus position while looking at my image in the mirror, in a pub, when someone asked me:

"Are you trying to achieve peacse of mind?"

I turned and said, "No. I saw lines on my forehead and am considering botox."

Which is the truth. My forehead has lines now, and I was wondering if it was the smoking, the dri...bbling as in, basketball dribbling, or stress?

Then I made my usual face - raised eyebrows with a close-mouthed smile and figured out that my brow has lines because I kept making that face.

People close to me said that I have no poker face whatsoever.

Lady Gaga's song is not for me.

So I make another face. My Blackjack face.

Inane, mundane and something else that rhymes with 'ane'.

Every gambler has a tell. Mine is when I look at the money I have left in my pocket. That means I have a bad hand.

Knowing this, I constantly look at the money I have in my pocket.

I have no idea why I shared that bit of information just now.

My room, which I have turned into my office is a mess. There are eight empty packs of cigarettes on my table, and 20 more in the dustbin.

There are cuetipes, nailclippers and two boxes of toothpaste on my PC.

Empty packets of Sweetie Bun and numerous McDonald's delivery boxes are strewn on the floor.

I have made peace with McDonald's Delivery, though I am going to cut my spending this month. Am buying a Blackberry, after all.

Blackberry! Blackberry! Come to Amir Hafizi.

I am currently using a borrowed phone. It has tassels on it. A charm or two. I appreciate the loan, but this phone is just not me.

Add that to the fact that it doesn't read the information on my SIM card. Not at all.

Meaning, to call friends, I can only do so to those whose numbers I memorised.

012 206XXXX, 012 386 XXXX, 013 393 XXXX. The rest are all gone. Gone!

Well, not really. I backed up all data on my old Blackberry last week, so all I need to do is upload that into my new gadget tomorrow.

Oh, man. This will be an affair to remember.

Tales from the Drunk Side: Loines and Curves

I went to work, and my fucking Blackberry, my love, my precious, died on me.

Oh, woe is me! I'm in paiiinnn! Muahahaha! At least I'm crying over a phone. Some people cry over even lesser shit. Like being alive. And being around other people.

Fuck that shit. It's all about my phone now.

Every time it tries to get a signal, it turns itself off. I'm buying a new one tomorrow. Perhaps a Blackberry Curve. From The Curve? We shall see. Or perhaps Midvalley Megamall.

To top it off, somebody took my keyboard from my desk, perhaps mistaking it for company property. It's not. I bought it. I use the keyboard to type as I go through one keyboard every two months (I learned to type on a classic typewriter) and didn't want my laptop to suffer the same fate.

Keyboard = RM10-RM35

Laptop = RM1700

I'll sacrifice a keyboard on the altar of techno-destruction any day, if I can save my laptop.

Small matter. I now have a Mac keyboard - now that's company property - and it is more interesting to use than my old one. I mean, it has two USB hubs, which makes transfer of pictures from a borrowed camera that much easier.

Furthermore, that keyboard which they took was set to die at any time anyway. The buttons E, I, L, N and O are losing their white paint, because 'LOINE' is my favourite word, and I can sense some of the keys getting loose already.

All in all, it was a good day. Despite feeling naked and incapacitated without my Blackberry, and having to learn to type using a new keyboard.

This also spurs me to change to Celcom. Been a Maxis customer for six years now, and they still charge me higher than Celcom. Am perhaps taking the Exec 250 package, which comes with free Celcom Broadband and the Blackberry Curve for less than RM600.

I shall report whether these deals are true or just some stupid gimmick soon.

If it's legit, and if I can use the Celcom Broadband as well in my house, I'm ditching the Maxis Broadband thingy too.

So, yeah, it has been a good day. I can't wait till tomorrow. I am getting a new phone, and there are some tasks which I need to complete, but couldn't today (due to my Blackberry 8700G dying a premature death).

I really hope the Celcom customer service people are nice and friendly. In fact, fuck nice and friendly, I hope they're human.

With Maxis, the best customer service is at KLCC. The rest of the outlets suck ass, most of them. So fuck that shit, man.

Usually, if the service is almost the same, I go for people who are nice and professional, and have good communication skills.

It is hard enough to order at a mamak stall without using sign language these days, I am not taking any shit at places where they have enough resources to train their employees better.

It doesn't take much to smile and not be condescending, or to NOT treat everyone as an enemy, but as possible accomplices and/or customers.

Anyway, expect to get a lot of postings from the new Blackberry tomorrow.

Furthermore, somebody tried to use some Feng Shui face-reading technique on me today.

Too late.

One, I already had mine read using Flying Star Feng Shui. I have a mole on my left eyebrow, which in Feng Shui translates to 'hidden treasure'. My Buddha ears and earlobe depict prosperity and long life, while my crooked nose tells me that I am evil...or got punched in the face when I was 12 and never got it fixed.

Two, I don't believe in any of that shit.

To rely on magic is to grasp at straws.

Magic may have happened centuries ago (actually, I don't think so, but am avoiding offending any sensitive religious fuckers who are insecure about their own faiths and belief systems) but no one walks on water anymore. No one can part the Red Sea nowadays without a very, very big helicopter the size of the moon. Staffs don't turn to snakes anymore, and camels don't spring forth from stone and start talking in this day and age.

I do not believe mankind will ever discover teleportation. We would kill ourselves for our egos wayyy before that happens.

So, no. Not me. I am the alpha and the omega of my shit. Not Your Anus or Neptune or Jupiter.

Pluto's not even a planet. So fuck that shit.

Am going into the bedroom now. Have to catch up on my sleep debt.

Cheers, brosephs!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Limit Break

Oh well.

I guess this is my limit.

Fainting in 3...2...1...

Anarchy in the Pu-kay: Machine Man

If you ask me, the biggest 'wrong' thing in Malaysia is how we attach so many things to 'who' and not 'what'.

People and personalities rule the roost. Without the right people, everything crumbles to dust.

Look at Dr M. Without him, the country was about to implode under Pak Lah's rule.

While humans are important, any one thing - especially important things like Government, hospitals and the prostitution industry - should be greater than the sum of its parts.

Like Constructicons and Devastator.

CAPTION: Constructicons

Soundwave: Constructicons! Merge and form Devastator!

CAPTION: Devastator

We should have a more or less foolproof system than a foolproof group of guys waving kerises and wearing turbans as extra points to go to heaven, or even racists calling other people racists.

Politicians are humans. As such, they can never be foolproof.

I am the greatest mind on Earth, and I have done some stupid shit. I am not foolproof, so how can politicians be? They are no more better or worse than any of us. They are people! And we are to put our trust in people, and expect them to be perfect?

Look at our division of power and jurisdiction.

Federal Territory and Urban Well-being. To take care of the FTs and 10.4 million Malaysians?

What about Social Welfare? What about Women? What about Urban Development Agency? What about Baitul Mal? What about us?

Doesn't matter if there was an overlap. Each has to be clear in what they do to achieve the goals.

Ministry of Science, Technology & Innovation (MSTI) vs Ministry of Energy, Green Technology & Water (MEGTW).

If I invented something that makes energy from water, say a hydrogen fuel cell thingy, with the main innovation being a circuit board that could be hardwired to regulate the conversion of hydrogen and oxygen molecules from electrolysis. And a plan to tap into Malaysia's water reserves and turn millions of gallons of water into thousands of Gigawatts of electrical power.

Do I go to MSTI or to MEGTW? At what stage?

At any level, I believe that we should all construct systems and machinery that could function even if we're taken completely out of the equation.

Makes us all expendable. Makes us all humble.

This is the final stage of anarchy. Voluntary order. Automated, organic movements that needs minimal human supervision. Something that could make the human factor a very small variable. Reducing a lot of moving parts.

The first step is to view everything as processes.

Nowadays, it's always about roles, not goals, as I have detailed in a previous post, somewhere.

Imagine this. In football, a classic 4-4-2 formation has one goalkeeper, four defenders, four midfielders and two strikers.

Teams that are filled with superstars like Real Madrid are difficult to control. If everyone is only fulfilling their roles, that team will lose to nobodies, like Real did recently. To Ancorcon, in the third-tier league.

I didn't see the game, but it could have gone down like this:

Raul: I am Raul! I score goals! I will only look to score goals!

Random Overpaid Midfielder: I am a midfielder! I pass the ball! That is all I do! Where is the ball?

Random Overpaid Defender: I am a defender! I tackle people! That is all I do! Where are the legs?

Serendipity, chance and luck, as well as individual skill can only win the day sometimes.

It takes a team to win a football match. And Real was not a team, so they got beat 4-0 by the lowest of the low.

Eons ago, Greece won the Euro because of teamwork. As legend has it, The Miami Dolphins won the Superbowl in 1972 - scoring a perfect ubeaten run - because the team went to dance practice together.

They had rhythm. They had teamwork. And each person was contributing to a process, a system that is beyond the individual.

The machine.

The goal? To get the ball into the goal/touchdown zone. Each player assumes a role that would result in this effort.

The Dutch once preached Total Football, a system where anyone can do anything at any given time. Cause it would be a shame if they let loose a goal cause a striker was too fucking lazy in his defending duties.

The goal does not care whether or not Raul or Raul Temudo or Raul Bravo or (the late) Raul Julia scored. Who the fuck cares if the quarterback scored a touchdown, or ran inteference for a linebacker (to save his knees)?

Get the processes right, and then the people can fit in wherever. There is a greater degree of flexibility, and the goal remains the same - to fuck. I mean, to score.

Ah, it's 3.30am. Really need sleep now.

The Wake

I lay my body on my full-latex mattress - a gift from a friend - and suddenly I felt energised.

Ideas kept swimming in my head. My breathing realigned itself. I know what to do for this and that and whatever.

Plans. Stories. Schedules.

I need to answer some emails now. Will write something soon.


I didn't realise how tired I was until I went out with my friend just now and merely walking 100 meters gave me heart palpitations.

I didn't sleep at all last night and averaged around three hours every night.

Some people detected my lethargic appearance and told me to take a nap or something.

My response?

"I'll sleep on Friday."

Should have said, "I'll gladly sleep on Friday, to be awake today." Like that character in Popeye.

What keeps me going are several adrenaline boosts, at some points every day.

I wake up, and adrenaline!

Then, when I get home from work - adrenaline!

My mind can cope, but my body just can't, if I keep this up. And the body has a huge effect on my brain.

So, I don't care. I'm going to sleep now. And get some serotonin. I'm a creature of dreams. I need my REM sleep.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Siri Bercakap Dengan Setan: Ketua Saintis Dunia

Jika kita lihat, jika diikutkan ego, dan rasa Aku Ingin Dilihat Super, akhirnya hanya akan membuahkan pelbagai Ketua Saintis Dunia dan Makcik Konsert.

Keinginan untuk 'kelihatan' lebih daripada orang lain, dan juga keinginan untuk DILIHAT 'betul' akhirnya hanya akan membawa kita kepada kegilaan, kemusnahan atau kesedihan.

Kebanyakan 'kesakitan' yang diperkatakan oleh orang Melayu sebenarnya hanyalah khayalan.

Ada orang yang cuba meyakinkan aku yang kerja mereka jauh lebih sukar daripada kerja aku.

Aku tidak pernah membantah, kerana aku bersetuju. Kerja aku memang senang. Walaupun kadangkala tidak tidur, tapi kerja aku tidak melibatkan memikul guni simen seberat 50kg sebiji. Tidak melibatkan aku mencuci tandas awam.

Sesetengah orang, memang ketagihan kesakitan, atau DILIHAT dalam kesakitan. Maka aku biarkan sahaja. Pasal kesakitan, kalau dicari, memang akan jumpa.

Mereka juga berfikir, orang yang sakit lebih bagus daripada orang yang tidak sakit. Maka, tiada beban, batu pun digalas. Tak ada api, tapi asapnya tebal.

Aku biarkan saja. Pasal bukan hal aku.

Memang benar, aku sukakan kerja aku dan aku tak ingin menukarnya dengan kerja lain. Kerja aku menjadi senang apabila aku tidak menerimanya sebagai kerja, tetapi sebagai sesuatu yang aku ingin lakukan.

Adakah pandangan aku terhadap kehidupan betul, dan orang lain punya salah?

Aku lebih suka biarkan persoalan betul/salah itu dibincangkan orang lain. Pasal aku sibuk dengan kerja aku sendiri dan tiada masa untuk melayan kerenah mereka yang ketagihan drama.

Dalam erti kata lain, matilah ko.

Merpati Putih Terberak Lagi

Sebagai filasuf agung dunia, aku terkesima dengan amat mapan sekali dengan jumlah orang Melayu yang jadi gila.

Mula-mula, ada Plastik Man, kat Kuantan. Lepas tu, masa aku kat Pantai Dalam, ada Ketua Saintis Dunia. Ketua Saintis Dunia ni berpakaian seperti orang PIS, dengan satu tambahan aksesori - sekeping kertas A4 yang dilaminat dengan perkataan SAYA KETUA SAINTIS DUNIA dicetak elok dan kemas di atasnya dan tulisan tangan 'tak percaya ke?'. Dia juga ada membawa kertas bertulis Otak Kanan Melayu Hebat.

Masa aku jadi wartawan hiburan, ada la pulak Makcik Konsert. Makcik Konsert ialah seorang perempuan pertengahan umur yang muncul apabila ada konsert atau majlis anugerah gilang-gemilang.

Selayak wartawan hiburan yang peka dengan hal-ehwal semasa, Makcik Konsert kadang-kadang antara yang pertama di tempat kejadian.

Dulu, aku cukup bimbang kalau dalam usaha aku mencari kebebasan yang maksima, akan membawa aku menjadi salah seorang Ketua Saintis Dunia, Makcik Konsert atau Plastik Man.

Untuk sekian lamanya, aku mengalami tekanan, sebelum aku terjumpa dengan benda-benda yang boleh menenangkan aku lantas membawa aku keluar daripada tekanan.

Antaranya, Pantat Tidak Berbau.

Setelah menggunakan Pantat Tidak Berbau, saya tidak lagi berdengkur di waktu malam.

Yang mengingatkan aku. Aku nak baring sekejap sebelum member aku sampai. Kitorang nak keluar. Nak cakap pasal bisnes.

Teratai Merah Terlantar di Luar Pagar

Hari ini, apabila di opis, tiba-tiba aku terasa jurus Teratai Merah Terlantar Di Luar Pagar membuak-buak dalam dada.

Alamak! Jurus Teratai Merah Terlantar Di Luar Pagar adalah jurus paling ganas dalam Hikmat Pedang Salji, dan dicipta oleh Yan Wang - Parang Gila.

Aku pun bertukar ke Bugis Bentuk Perang. Bahaya nih. Nanti tak pasal-pasal Lembing Awang Pulang ke Dayang (dibaca: semua orang mati).

Jadi aku pun balik.

Adalah dalam sejam, aku buat jurus Kesejukan Sepandang Layang sebelum masuk ke jurus Sejuk Mata Pedang, Dingin Hati.

Mujur bukan jurus Hikmat Pedang Tanpa nama - Kesedihan Tidak Terperi atau Kegeraman Terbuku di Hati.

Aku fikir balik, kenapa aku marah? Dah lama dah aku tak marah ni. Adakah pasal aku tak tido malam tadi? Atau pasal aku lapar?

Aku pun menggunakan Hikmat Ideo-Motor dan masuk ke dalam sebuah bilik yang dindingnya diperbuat daripada karbon tungsten titanium.

Dalam bilik ini, ada dua lembaga - Sang Elektron dan Sang Kancil.

Sang Elektron: Apa ko nak?

Aku: Jawapan.

Sang Kancil: Cis! Bukan semudah itu untuk menjadi nombor satu dalam dunia kepahlawanan!

Aku: Tapi...aku taknak jadi nombor satu dalam dunia kepahlawanan. Malah, aku dah mengundurkan diri daripada dunia kepahlawanan.

Penjejak Neraka: Cayalah!

Sang Elektron: Amende orang tua ni? Pedophile! Suka Zonan!

Sang Kancil: Amir! Ko ingat ko sapa? Tanpa Nama?

Aku: Tapi...nama aku Amir. Macamana aku boleh jadi Tanpa Nama?

SE: Bodoh! Aku boleh kalahkan kau dalam lima jurus!

Aku: Baik! Kau boleh serang aku dengan lima jurus. Kalau aku BERPELUH, aku akan tinggalkan kau.

SE: Kuasa Putaran Medan Magnetik - Kuasa Penguraian Atom - 750,000HP! Jurus Monyet Mencuri Buah Pic!

Aku: Jalan Syurga Tidak Terbatas: Pecah!

Sang Kancil: Cahaya Mengejutkan Serangga Dari Tidur Tapa!

Aku: Guna-Guna Bisa Telu!

SE: Bertungkus-Lumus Sepanjang Hari!

Aku: Tongkat Pemukul Anjing!

Lepas bertukar-tukar jurus beberapa ribu kali, aku, Sang Elektron dan Sang Kancil pun dah penat. Tapi aku tak berpeluh.

SK: Apahal lu mat?

Aku: AKu cuma nak tahu, kenapa Teratai Merah terlantar di Luar Pagar?

SK: Ambik galah, tolong jolokkan?

SE: Dia cakap pasal hikmat la. Bukan pantun.

Aku: So? Apa kebendanya?

SK: Tu.

Sang Kancil menjuihkan bibirnya ke arah sebuah taman yang aku tak perasan pun tadi.

Taman itu berpagar, dan di luar pagar itu ada teratai merah yang terlantar.

Aku pun pergi lalu melempar teratai merah itu kembali ke dalam pagar.

Aku: Sejuk Mata Pedang, Dingin Hati.

Menggunakan jurus terakhir Hikmat Pedang Salji, aku pun kembali ke dunia asal dan berjaya menahan diri daripada menyapu hand sanitiser ke konek aku sekali lagi malam ini.

Demikianlah kisah Teratai Merah terlantar di Luar Pagar.



I Artis!

I artis! Artis, tau!

Hari ni, aku pergi ke pelancaran filem pertama yang aku tulis. My Spy. Satu filem komersial arahan Afdlin Shauki, terbitan KRU.

Aku tak tidur malam sebelumnya, tapi aku gagahkan jugak. Takkan tak support filem sendiri.

My Spy mengisahkan satu odd-couple - AJ dan Salleh, lakonan AC Mizal dan Harun Salim Bachik (!) - yang berangan menjadi penyiasat persendirian.

Diorang diupah oleh seorang Datin untuk menjejak bakal bekas suaminya - Datuk O - untuk mendapatkan bukti dia main kayu tiga.

Malangnya, mereka terjerumus dalam sindiket pencuri seni yang telah mengambil lukisan Elephant in Repose bernilai RM40 juta.

Cerita ni, cerita kelakar.

Dua tahun lepas, masa aku diminta untuk menulis skripnya, aku buat sebagai homage kepada filem-filem komedi Hong Kong tahun 80an. Macam Aces Go Places, Tricky Master, etc.

Lepas dah siap, aku dapat tahu KRU ambik Afdlin jadi pengarah. Aku pun terus rasa lega dan serahkan semuanya kepada Afdlin.

Kerja dan tanggungjawab aku ke atas My SPy sebenarnya berakhir sebaik sahaja skrip diberi kepada Afdlin.

Aku ada jumpa dia tiga kali, pasal skrip. Lepas tu, dia terus ambik dan garap ikut pengalamannya sebagai pengarah terbaik Malaysia, kalau diikutkan FFM yang lepas (untuk Papadom).

Antara pelakon lain yang membintangi filem ini adalah dua orang yang lawa: Hannah Tan dan Carmen Soo. Daphne Iking pun ada.

Aku tengok trailernya tadi, dan nampak okay. Aku bukan buat Fargo, atau Amistad. Aku buat filem yang komersial, yang aku rasa ramai orang boleh enjoy. Eh, sorry, enjoys.

Masa trailer dimainkan, ramai jugak yang gelak, jadi itu satu petanda baik.

My Spy akan ditayangkan pada 3 Disember, 2009.

Aku tak boleh nak tulis kat sotkabar, jadi aku tulis kat sini je lah.

Ini sebenar-benarnya adalah filem pertama yang aku tulis skripnya. Ada beberapa lagi akan masuk panggung tahun depan.

Tahun depan, kalau boleh, aku nak start tulis skrip untuk filem yang aku nak arah sendiri, bersama dengan satu-satunya pengarah yang aku tahu adalah antara yang paling hebat di Malaysia, tapi tak pernah mengarah filem lagi.

Jenguk-jenguklah My Spy, ya?

Apotheosis: Dickhead

Ascension! Godhead!

But first, sleep.

The Amazing Adventures of Boron - The World's Most Boring Man

So I got home, after watching a movie and having a few drinks, stripped down naked, and took a dump.

After that, I sat in front of my computer and washed my hands further with a bit of hand sanitizer.

I placed the bottle of hand sanitiser back on the table.

Then, I looked my my dick.

After that, I looked at the bottle of hand sanitiser.

Then, my dick.

Hand sanitiser.


Hand sanitiser.


Hand sanitiser, dick.

Dick sanitiser!

So I opened the bottle, poured a generous amount on my fingers, and started rubbing the cool liquid on my dick and scrotum.

The result?


Apparently, alcohol can cause a burning sensation on my scrotum. Ehem. My...precious.

And that was today's adventure.

Anyway, you might have noticed a widget on the upper right hand corner of this page. Please click on it and vote for my entry in Blog for FT - Blog for Federal Territories.

If I win the car, I'm going to sell it off and pay my PTPTN loans in one shot. I will wear baju Melayu, go to the PTPTN office and pay everything in a grand ceremony, full of pomp, circumstance and bullshit. I will even get it recorded and post it on YouTube. And then I'm going for a holiday in Thailand.

So vote for me, you fucking dickheads.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Kuala Lumpur, Kuala Lumpur

When I was younger, I thought that Kuala Lumpur - KL - had the best fried noodles in the world.

This was coloured, perhaps naively, by an ad I saw on TV. A production of Filem Negara Malaysia, it had Sharifah Aini's song remixed dangdut style and sung by a male, extolling the virtues of KL.

One of the visual sequences had a street hawker letting flames rise up from his wok. It was unclear what he was cooking - noodles, rice, lala or oysters - but it sure looked good.

When I was old enough to remember family trips to KL, I was woken up at 4am by my father and brother who had bought Nasi Lemak at Petaling Street. It was the best Nasi Lemak ever.

We were on a trip to send one of us to study abroad. Stopping at Yaohan Mall, I had for lunch my first claypot rice with chicken and salted fish. I have never tasted anything as good in my life.

And so it was that when I got older, I would make it a point to eat whenever I find myself in KL. Having been accepted to a full-residential school in Seremban, the opportunities were much more frequent.

To get back to Kuantan - my hometown - from Seremban, I had to take a RM3.50 bus to KL's Pudu station and then hop on an express to Kuantan.

The chicken rice at some anonymous food stall was just heavenly.

When I was old enough to go to college, I chose UM, because it was the only university without a proper dress code, and also because it is in KL.

After two years of college food and eating roti canai at Section 14, I did not get to stay in the hostels because I am not a girl and because I was too lazy to be active in any college activity.

So I rented a small apartment in Pantai Dalam with eight other guys. It was a culinary godsend.

My favourite eateries were Zam Nasi Kandar (packs of rice as big as pillows!) and a nameless stall in Pantai Dalam, which serves the best fried lungs in the universe. Plus, a random mamak stall which serves some really crunchy roti canai and a very small stall which sells steamed nasi lemak.

I began to notice that I prefer establishments - if you could call it that - with questionable hygenic practices. I guess the dirt and bacteria adds to the savour of the meals.

Zam Nasi Kandar used to have rats as big as cats running on the makeshift gunny sack roofs. The floor was just hardened earth, trampled on by the many customers it had, but it had the best mutton curry ever - and I hate mutton!

Zam Nasi kandar and countless other roadside stalls were demolished before the 2008 March elections - a decision which I think contributed to Datuk Sharizat Jalil losing to Nurul Izzah. Though it must be said that after more than a year of Pakatan rule, Zam Nasi Kandar and other stalls are still nowhere to be seen.

In UM, I was taking computer science as my degree. As with all computer science students, we all thought we would be called upon to piece together PCs from scratch, when we start our careers.

So all of us would make at the very least one pilgrimage to Plaza Imbi and/or Lowyat Plaza.

There, the best food was at a chicken rice shop. It may still be there. It has these nuts in the soup. Doesn't do anything for the taste, but the chicken was fantastic.

The only real rival was Pantai Dalam's very own Yahya Nasi Ayam Hainam. Yes, Hainam, with an 'm', not Hainan. Where the waitresses would refer to toilets as 'gamets' or possibly a very much corrupted 'jambe' (jamban).

The famous Ayam Golek was also there, and on the side which was bulldozed, was another perhaps illegal restaurant which sports - proudly - clear sacks of cancer-inducing Thai aji-no-moto on its display.

Reaching graduation, my father gave me RM200 to buy a pair of shoes, a shirt and a pair of slacks as well as a tie. I bought a pair of black slacks and used the rest of the money for food.

First, though, was a haircut. I took the LRT to Kampung Baru and had one of the best Nasi Padangs ever at yet another nameless, cockroach-infested stall.

The daging dendeng was smoked, fried and cooked in coconut milk, making it the only triple-cooked meat I have ever tasted.

When my friends and I first started working, I continued to eat at rat-infested eateries of KL while they blog about having tiramisu and sushi.

On the job, I managed to interview Anthony Bourdain, the travelling chef dude. He said that he believed dirt was good for the stomach. Makes us tougher, more resilient to illnesses.

Well, I have yet to die from food poisoning, so that's all right, then.

Then, I got my passport and tasted the street-food of Singapore, Indonesia and Thailand. Each, I was pleasantly surprised, had its own taste. Its own flavour. And it wasn't just the ingredients used.

Neil Gaiman wrote, in an article for SimCity 2000, that he believes that cities have personalities. In another work, part of his masterpiece that is The Sandman Comics, he wrote of a character trapped in the dreams of a city fearing that one day, 'the cities would rise'.

If cities can have personalities, then they surely would have a unique taste to them as well.

Most of the food I had in metropolitan KL were flavoured not just with lemongrass, curry leaves or other spices. They were also perhaps seasoned with the soot from Intrakota (now RapidKL) buses, bacteria and, disgustingly enough, rat droppings.

To taste its food is to taste the soul of a city. It thrives, winces and bristles. You can't find it in air-conditioned restaurants which charge you RM17 for a bottle of melted French snow or RM50 for six garden snails. Or RM67 for a tiny plate of mushrooms dug up by pigs.

The real pulse of the city is in its gutter, and within its bowels, we find its face.

For All Insects and Porpoises

Somebody once told me, "For everything you do, you must have a purpose."

I was like, "What the fuck?"

I was at that stage in life when I was revelling in doing things just for the sake of it. Drunk with freedom as well as other things, I didn't care what purpose it was for. I became a creature of reaction, and sometimes, pure hate.

And then, I discovered the ego. When things don't have a clear purpose, usually it's because of the ego. It is probably something you are doing the motivations of which are so animalistic, petty and cruel that your human self, your true self, has trouble coming to terms with it. And so you avoid it, so that your conscience won't have to deal with it.

And yet whoop! there it is! In the background, like a cancer that saps away your strength.

Being self-aware means that you realise, acknowledge and come to terms with the reason behind each action you take. You are fully responsible for everything you do. You are in full control.

For a while, this stumped me. I mean, I was afraid that if I were to write anything, then could it be that the motivations are less than benevolent? Could it be that I was just merely reacting to hatred, despair, anger, suffering? Was I trying to be right, feel superior, whatever? Did I want to seem or look superior? Was I being right, making wrong? Was I trying to impose my own judgment on things? Can I trust it to be truly non-emotional?

And so I stopped writing for a while.

I was scared.

And then, I thought, that if all I need is a purpose - a true one and not a makeshift, justification in front of something more malevolent and evil - then I just needed to find out what that purpose is.

The intention has to be clear. Like an odori - a Japanese dance that defines a storyline or plot with each movement. Though I am not THAT gay. Only gay people have the energy to be meticulous at what they do, and even at that, most if not all gender illusionists - a subset of the gay community - have yet to get things right.

I accept that I have no control over the perception of others. They are free to do as they will. To see what they want. There is no right or wrong.

However, on my end, I do have control over the intention of each action. With control, comes power and in turn, responsibility.

Not the kind of responsibility that comes with banging your head against the wall, or sulking in a corner. It's the kind that allows even more freedom.

And freedom, freedom is everything.

Siri Bercakap Dengan Setan: Kebencian Kepada Orang Lain

Ya adik-adik, abang Terung Mahawangsa datang lagi dengan: Kebencian Kepada Orang Lain.

Abang Terung adalah pembenci terulung. Abang Terung pernah membenci orang sehingga abang Terung mengatur perkara-perkara, situasi dan orang yang akan memusnahkan mereka. Sama ada secara sedar atau tidak.

Malangnya, abang Terung baru sedar yang kebencian itu adalah satu emosi yang tidak berguna sangat.

Kebencian itu berasal daripada naluri asal manusia untuk menangani ancaman. Lawan atau lari. Atau menjadi pasif-agresif dan merungut dalam hati.

Benci itu tidak rasional. Apa yang kau benci, sebenarnya, dalam diri seseorang?

Perlakuannya? Pertuturannya? Caranya berpakaian? Agamanya? Bangsanya? Adakah ianya sesuatu yang amat lain daripada diri kita, atau sesuatu yang amat serupa?

Adakah ianya hasad dengki, atau apa?

Walau apa pun, perasaan benci datang daripada naluri asal manusia. Menangani ancaman. Ancaman kepada kepercayaan. Ancaman kepada gaya hidup. Ancaman kepada betul atau salahnya kita. Ancaman fizikal, fiskal atau apa sahaja.

Namun, kebanyakan perasaan benci juga berasal daripada rasa tidak yakin dengan diri sendiri. Kalau kita yakin dengan diri sendiri, maka kita tidak akan berasa terancam, walau daripada apa segi.

Kalau kita tidak berasa terancam, maka kita tidak akan bereaksi. Tanpa tindakbalas dan tindakmalas - pandainya abang Terung! - maka dunia akan kekurangan drama. Ini juga satu ancaman. Kepada siapa? Kepada ego. Kerana ego sukakan drama, dan sentiasa ingin dipam.

Contoh, ya.

Jika ada orang mengatakan Melayu malas. Semua Melayu malas. Termasuk abang Terung. So? Jadi?

Adakah dengan hanya mengatakan abang Terung malas, maka abang Terung akan menjadi malas? Maka abang Terung akan menjadi Melayu malas, justeru - fuyoo! - abang Terung akan DIPANDANG hina?

Terus-terang abang Terung cakap, pada bila-bila masa pun, abang Terung akan dipandang hina oleh sesiapa. Adakah ini menjadikan abang Terung hina?

Tiada siapakah lagi yang ingin menghisap konek abang Terung?

Dan begitu bodohkah kita untuk memberikan kuasa yang sebegitu banyak ke atas diri kita ke atas orang lain?

Cakap malas, maka kita pun malas. Cakap hina, maka kita pun hina. Wow! Memang berkuasa rupanya Makcik Bedah Mulut Jubur. Lebih berkuasa daripada Tuhan?

Untuk kebanyakan perkara, tak perlu dihunuskan keris dan menggoyang-goyangkannya atas kepala.

Emo habis.

Dan membenci orang lain, atau diri sendiri - dan sesungguhnya membenci orang lain itu juga membenci diri sendiri - juga menjadikan kita tidak bermaya dan membazirkan masa.

Adakah ini bermakna kalau kita benar-benar diancam secara fizikal atau apa-apa, maka kita harus berdiam diri?


Maksudnya hanya satu. Kita boleh melakukan apa sahaja yang kita ingini - baik atau buruk, mengikut penghakiman masing-masing - tanpa dibelenggu emosi, terutamanya kebencian.

Tindakbalas yang tidak dibelenggu emosi akan lebih berkesan, kerana ianya objektif secara suci.

Contoh, jika ingin menyelesaikan sesuatu masalah, jalan yang tidak dikekang emosi amat lebar dan luas.

Juga, banyak perkara yang tidak penting akan diabaikan. Contoh: perasaan benci dan hasad dengki orang lain.

Dalam erti kata lain, matilah ko! Tanpa emosi.

Gaban Z potong dua!

Monday, October 26, 2009


Okay, I think it's time to blow this joint. Get everybody and the stuff together. 3-2-1, let's jam.

Pe rep perep perep pereee reeee

Pe rep perep perep pereee reeee

Pe rep perep perep pereee reeee

Pep perep peeeeeee!

I once told my editor I hate music. That's not true. I like certain types of music. Most of them from animation.

I say it again. Mankind was put on earth so that one day we would do Cowboy Bebop. After that, it's Armageddon.

I haven't really watched anime after Cowboy Bebop. Gave up on it.

It's like having the best sex of your life, where you see white and your ears only pick up static, and your mind is empty, and you are as close to Godliness as possible.

After that kind of experience, that perfection, everything else feels soulless and tastes stale.

Like how Dekichatta Kekkon (Shotgun Marriage) is the best J-Drama ever. EVER! And all J-Dramas after that sucked ass.

The composer for the soundtrack, Yoko Kanno, will forever be my favourite musician. In Malaysia, the only person who comes close to her kind of unique sound would be Saidah Rastam - Malaysia's best stage composer.

I mentioned Kanno's name to Al Di Meola, and he was like, "Who?"

I also mentioned Saidah's name to a renowned composer, and his reaction was also the same.

Such a shame, cause these composers create such wonderfully weird music. Kanno works in multiple genres from classical, folk European (check out the traditional movement in Bees and Honey as well as the heavy gospel Dance of the Curse in Wings of Escaflowne), Jazz(Cowboy Bebop is predominantly jazz but includes all other genres of music - from samba to the Brat Pack to boogie, rock and roll and heavy metal and even Sufi music and Moroccan rhythm), blues, techno, J-pop and whatever labels you fancy. And she does them well.

The closest analogue in the States would be the genre-trancending Rickie Lee Jones. And even she falls short of Kanno's brilliance and vibrant compositions.

It was like looking at paintings and logos and icons and one day discovering negative space.

I have never heard anything so beautiful in my life.

Count Bassie's Band was also here years back, and his proteges talked of negative space in music - especially in jazz - a subject touched upon by Scott McCloud in his seminal work Understanding Comics.

Honestly, I don't really listen to the radio, which is a bad thing. I like soundtracks and theme songs. I pay attention to compositions in TV shows and movies. I memorise commercial jingles.

Sime AXA's What Would You Do, Motorola's Hero 60s. Cheers' Where Everybody Knows Your Name, Greatest AMerican Hero's Believe It or Not.

That's why I like musicals and background music. Kanno, who has worked extensively with so many different animes - Ghost in the Shell, Macross Plus, Record of Lodoss War, Cardcaptor Sakura, Wolf's Rain, Please Save My Earth as well as games - even my favourite sea supremacy game Uncharted Waters 2: New Horizons, simply jumps out at me because I have been enjoying her work for years without knowing who was behind such memorable tunes.

I was waiting for any calls from the office, just in case they need me, and doing some work. So I've been spending all that time - all night - listening to my collection of Yoko Kanno's work.

Pretty soon, when I have enough money, I'm going to get all her music, as much as I can.

I remember, talking to some people who specialise in audiophile albums years back. I mentioned to them about Yoko Kanno. I think I need to check whether their company still exists and if they finally have those albums I've been looking for.

Otherwise, I'm going online with my credit card. I have never bought anything online. Just paid my bills and shit.

For Yoko Kanno, anything.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Siri Bercakap Dengan Setan: Rahsia Kebahagiaan

Ada yang bertanya aku, berkenaan rahsia kebahagiaan. Aku tak tau nak jawab macamana. Pasal aku bukannya bahagia pun. Sedih pun tidak. Aku dalam gear neutral.

"Kalau aku mati, beritahu kekasih aku, aku cakap...'hello'."

- Futurama

Kemudian aku lihat, dalam mata mereka ada anticipation. Diorang tunggu aku jawab, pasal nak smash aku punya pendapat agar mereka kelihatan lebih bagus daripada aku.


Aku tak tau rahsia kebahagiaan. Tapi aku tahu rahsia kesedihan.

Rahsia kesedihan ialah menunggu untuk bergaduh dengan orang, nafsu untuk menunjukkan diri sendiri adalah lebih bagus daripada orang lain. Rasa tamak haloba kepada pujian.

Rasa kurang yakin dengan diri sendiri yang dimanifestasi sebagai sikap sombong dan angkuh, serta delusional.

Delusional, sangkut dengan ketagihan kepada cerita angan-angan bagaimana mereka adalah hero atau mangsa keadaan.

AKu yakin, rahsia kebahagiaan bukanlah pantat yang nyaman, walaupun pantat itu tidak berbau. Bukanlah sepasang tetek yang galak dan puting yang kental.

Bukan juga gaji yang maha besar, kerana aku pernah melihat ramai yang bergaji besar, tetapi muka mereka asyik mengerekot geramkan tetek yang teguh. Lubang jubur mereka pula ada hemorrhoid.

Gembira ke, ada hemorrhoid?


Gilakan imej dan pangkat. Gila menjatuhkan orang.


Aku pernah gembira membeli selipar RM10. AKu pernah gembira makan Teppanyaki je - bawang lebih. Aku pernah gembira menonton Glee.

Aku pernah gembira dapat pen yang boleh bertukar menjadi robot dalam kotak Tora. Aku pernah gembira bekerja keras dan pulang pukul 3 pagi. AKu pernah gembira menjalani pembedahan.

Dalam semua hal ini, satu perkara saja yang konstan. AKu terima keadaan dengan seadanya. Apabila kita selari dengan detik sekarang, maka kita tidak lagi meronta-ronta untuk melepaskan diri ke saat yang lain - sama ada pada masa depan atau masa lampau.

Aku tidak menghakimi saat itu dan menerimanya.

Dalam ketika ini, wujud saat yang tiada kesedihan, dan di situ mungkin ada bahagianya. Mungkin.

Kalau ada perkara 'buruk' terjadi atau orang 'buruk' menyerang kita - dan ingat, 'buruk' dan 'baik' hanya wujud dalam persepsi kita - jangan lawan perasaan, dan jangan lawan. Relaks saja. Dan relaks, bukan untuk menunggu masa sesuai untuk satu hari nanti membalas dendam. Relaks dan ikutlah aliran ketika.

Adakah ini bermakna, jika berlaku sesuatu yang tidak diingini atau ada serangan fizikal ke atas kita, kita wajar membiarkan orang memijak kepala kita?

Tidak juga.

Ini hanya bermakna kita tidak harus melatah. 99% masalah aku timbul sebab aku melatah. Bereaksi dengan tak tentu pasal.

Dr M cakap, kita mesti ada strategi. Kau takkan ada strategi kalau semua yang kau lakukan hanyalah reaksi. Aku lihat, mereka yang aku hormati tidak pernah melatah. Perlu diingat, latah itu orang Melayu dengan orang Eskimo je yang ada.

Masalah juga wujud sebab pada zaman sekarang ini, manusia tidak mahukan 'goals'. Mereka mahukan 'roles'. Kita tidak mahukan tuhuan, tetapi lebih mementingkan peranan.

Kalau dapat main untuk Newcastle United atau Portsmouth, aku rasa takde sorang pun orang Malaysia yang akan fikir bagaimana nak menang liga perdana Inggeris. Cukup sekadar, "Aku midfielder Newcastle, siut. Ok apa?"

Adalah cukup untuk kebanyakan, hanya menyandang jawatan, tetapi tidak perlu diendah hasilannya. Pasal apa? Pasal imej. Pasal ego.

jadi, relaks, undur ke belakang selangkah, fikir buat sejenak apa yang perlu dibuat, tanpa gangguan emosi, dan laksanakan.

Goals, not roles. Pedulittaik kalau kau tukang sapu sampah pun. Tujuan kau ialah mengekalkan kebersihan tempat kau sapu. Bukan agar kau kelihatan seperti tukang sapu sampah. Kot?

Aku bukannya tahu apa. Korang kan, Maha Mengetahui. Aku hanya setan kecil, kau gajah merah.

Beyonce Knowles Memeluk PIS

Mustapha Ibrahim! Mustapha Ibrahim! Al hadri krishtanin!

Ana sedang merayau-rayau cari video lucah budak sekolah menengah atau budak kolej Indonesia yang dikatakan budak UiTM, sama itu video ada budak UiTM joget untuk lagu Sway. Memang suwey!

Tapi ana ada jumpa dua gambar lah.

Beyonce pakai tudung.

SYUKRAN: Ana manyak syukran lah! Syukran! Syukran!

SYURGA: Tak ada itu urat lah! Ana manyak suka, sama itu Tuan Cikgu lah! Ana masuk syurgalah! Ana masuk syurgalah!

Bajet 2010

Aku duk tunggu je, nak dengar pakcik dua pupu aku, Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak cakap:

"Dan untuk anak saudara saya, Datuk Seri Amir Hafizi, saya telah memperuntukkan RM20 billion."

"Dan satu bom nuklear!" jerit aku depan TV.

"...dan satu bom nuklear. Yang boleh diletupkan di mana-mana sahaja yang dingininya."

Malangnya, detik itu tidak berlaku.

Aku pun pergi berak.

Aku dah tua. Aku boleh bersabar.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Tales from the Drunk Side: Answers

You think you have a good fuckin' answer!

A fuckin' answer's what I'll give you!


I saw a red light, and then green, and then - holy shit! I've gone colour blind!

Which is no big deal. 17 per cent of males are colour blind. Sorry, colour-blind.

I can't be a fucking pilot ever again! Boo fucking hoo!

But no! It was just the lights. Got me confused there for a while.

They're playing Britney Spears after some Lady Gaga and Beyonce.



Okay. Have to sit here for a while and try to write something without a 'kew' on it. Cause my 'kew' button on my keypad is fucked.

Am glad it's not r,s,t,l,n, or e. Or c, d or m. And o.

Friday, October 23, 2009

I Got My Bottle

Biggesta. JBottle. Of lkicourice*m efvera.
$ma,a. My eypa5 is fvucekda.

Oh well*m
$a jbottle a4 jbig a4 my manly torso.

Fucking hell.

Man. This thing can give anyone akco,,l poisonibg.

Hey, what are these boobs doing on my facve?

Scenes of the Father: Healing Factor, Adamantium Skull

I just reached Bangsar, from a two-day trip to Kuantan.

I took my father to see his regular doctor, who has been monitoring him for several months now.

BP is normal, as is everything else. In fact, it seems that my father has recovered so much from his fourth stroke that the doctor has stopped thinking that he's going to die at any moment and began asking questions as to how he stayed alive all this while.

I assure you, it's not proper diet and exercise. And he still smokes four packs a day.

Men his age usually go for gardening or that kind of shit. My father does lumberjacking. He cuts down trees - small ones - and kill squirrels. And has dreams to plant vegetables on our one-acre land. Again.

Everyone in my family are stubborn. We don't die that easily.

And from being at risk to die at any moment, my father is still alive. He can walk, but not so well. He can talk, but not so good either. His speech is clear, but his memories are fading.

However, he still has total recall of certain events.

When we got him on a new diet - fuelled by my research online - he was adamant at whatever the fuck he wanted. What we got in the end was a compromise of sorts.

He still hasn't made a full recovery, but I believe that he can shake off this latest stroke within the year.

I also truly appreciate the physician treating him. Dr Ooi, also known as 'Dr 001' amongst some of his peers, is considered one of the best, if not the best in Kuantan, and maybe Pahang.

He made changes to my father's medicine every time we went to see him and we looked up each tablet or pill. Most of them are new drugs he wanted to try out.

It seems to work and for the first time in months, I do not answer any call from my hometown with baited breath.

Maybe what my father said was true, after all.

"Amir, don't be a bad person. You know what happens to bad people? They die."

Yeah, right.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Sleep of the Just

In a few hours, I'll be on my way back to Kuantan.

It has been a good week. Things are moving forward on all fronts, including y-fronts. Though I must say, I'm a boxer man.

There is a rhythmic, systolic beat to things. Just like fucking.

A few loose ends, but that's to be expected. Deal with it when the time comes.

I am pacing myself. Stealing as much rest and sleep as possible.

Which reminds me. Sleep.

Siri Bercakap Dengan Setan: Hikmat Lepasan Arhat

Memandangkan kita semua dipengaruhi ego, maka kita patut melawan ego, bukan?

Sebenarnya, melawan ego hanya akan menyebabkan kita memperkuatkan ego. Kerana ego sememangnya mengidamkan pertentangan. Lagi banyak konflik, lagi banyak drama dan perhatian ke atas dirinya sendiri, maka lebih kuatlah dia.

Kalau tidak mahu dikekang ego, pertama sekali, haruslah mengenali diri sendiri.

Siapakah diri kita?

Amir Hafizi. Kacak. Hensem. Seksi. Konek kuat. Jubur harum. Penulis. Orang Kuantan. Duduk kat Bangsar. 800308-06-5XXX.

Semuanya adalah label. Adakah ini diri kita? Sebahagiannya, ya. Namun, diri kita yang sebenar bukanlah semudah kata-kata dan sekumpulan nombor.

Secara ringkas, siapa diri kita adalah, selepas menolak ego, apa yang tinggal adalah diri kita. Kalau kau dapat perhatikan, pelengkap kepada ego adalah alam semesta. Dan itulah diri kita yang sebenar.

Kalau nak rasa, cuba latihan ini.

Apabila ada orang yang menghamburkan kata-kata kesat atau ada ego yang cuba 'mencabar' ego kita, apa yang biasanya terjadi ialah ego kita akan bertindakbalas dan memulakan langkah-langkah mengembangkannya kembali kerana ia berasa kecil.

Cuba agar jangan bertindakbalas ketika ada yang cuba mencemuh kita dan kita berasa kecil.

Biarkan 'diri' kita itu menjadi kecil. Jangan cakap atau buat apa-apa. Biarkan saja kita berasa kecil.

Selepas beberapa ketika, kita mungkin sedar yang ada sesuatu di sekeliling 'diri kita' yang semakin kecil. Seolah ada ruang. Semakin lama, ruang itu semakin besar. Kewujudan ruang ini adalah tidak terbatas. Dan itulah diri kita yang sebenar.

Ruang yang tidak berpenghujung. Yang tidak pedulikan perkara-perkara remeh yang senantiasa mencengkam dan merisaukan ego.

Inilah diri kita yang sebenar.

Awas! Identifikasi dengan ruang ini juga boleh disabotaj oleh ego, sekiranya kita mula melihat batasan.

Manusia adalah makhluk tanpa batasan. Kewujudan kita bukan setakat dalam badan sahaja.

Kita mungkin akan berasa bahawa cemuhan orang itu tadi sememangnya tidak ada kesan yang mendalam langsung. Dunia tidaklah seteruk yang disangka, dan tidak banyak perkara yang benar-benar penting dan perlu dijaga. Mungkin juga banyak, tetapi tidak sebanyak dahulu.


Kerana dahulu, kebanyakan perkara yang kita kisahkan, yang kita endahkan, adalah perkara yang kita fikir orang lain endahkan juga. Dan ego kita senantiasa mahukan reaksi daripada orang lain, sama ada rasa kagum atau benci.

Berhati-hati dengan latihan ini. Sememangnya berkesan, namun mudah masuk perangkap.

Perangkap 'aku hebat, pasal aku dah naik level'. Ini adalah ego membisikkan kepada kita, seperti Syaitan. Membezakan antara mereka yang 'celik' dan mereka yang 'buta'.

Sebenarnya, apabila kita sudah faham yang orang lain juga melakukan perkara-perkara buruk kerana mereka juga bergelut dengan ego mereka sendiri, adalah lebih senang untuk menerima mereka seadanya. Mereka semua pun semua sama macam kita. Diasak oleh kehendak dan nafsu ego yang tidak kunjung habis.

'Kesalahan' mereka hanyalah kerana mereka melayan ego mereka.

Kalau kita berjaya menerima manusia lain seadanya, dan juga kewujudan ego kita seperti itu sahaja (dan ego sememangnya tidak akan berlalu pergi tanpa sepatah kata, tetapi akan terus bersama kita), amak akan lebih senang untuk kita menerima keadaan dan dunia tanpa penghakiman juga.

Ini akan dibincangkan dalam kelas seterusnya.

Siri Bercakap Dengan Setan: Ego Kolektif

Sampai satu masa, ego peribadi kita akan cuba mengembangkan dirinya agar merangkumi kawasan yang lebih besar atau orang yang lebih ramai.

Objektif ego? Untuk mencari atau mendefinisikan 'yang lain'. Mereka yang berlawanan dengan 'dirinya' agar kewujudan dirinya dapat menjadi lebih jelas.

Ego sangat pentingkan label.

Ini dipanggil ego kolektif, dan kita biasa melihatnya terjadi apabila satu kumpulan bercanggah dengan kumpulan satu lagi.

"Aku penyokong Man U!"

"Aku penyokong Liverpool!"


"Aku penyokong UMNO!"

"Aku penyokong PIS!"


"Aku penyokong NAZI!"

"Aku penyokong Yahudi!"


Manusia telah bergaduh dan berbunuh-bunuhan semata-mata untuk ego. Demi kehendak ego agar menjadi sesuatu yang penting.

Semua perkara yang asalnya indah dipergunakan dan dijahanamkan sehingga menjadi sesuatu yang buruk.

Semangat nasionalisme, keagamaan, sukan, muzik, daerah, negeri, keluarga. Semuanya pernah digunakan demi memuaskan ketamakan ego kolektif.

Biasanya, demi membuat jenayah perang dan kejahatan ke atas manusia lain, ego kolektif mula-mula akan menghancurkan kemanusiaan mereka dan menggantikannya dengan karikatur.


Nazi tidak membunuh orang Yahudi. Mereka membunuh pencuri yang tamak.

George W Bush tidak membunuh orang di Iraq. Dia membunuh 'pengganas'.

Pol Pot tidak membunuh lelaki bercermin mata. Dia membunuh mereka yang mampu menjadi Superman sekiranya terjumpa pondok telefon.

Lihat bagaimana dengan menjadikan musuh kita sebagai 'bukan manusia' dan digantikan hanya dengan label, maka kita dengan senang boleh menganiaya mereka. Membinuh, merogol, merompak.

Apa lagi label yang kita sering gunakan dalam hidup kita sekarang?

Pengganas Islam.







Kanye West.


Semuanya pernah digunakan untuk memecah belahkan manusia agar kita tidak dapat menerima yang antara satu sama lain, kita sebenarnya bersaudara dan berkongsi banyak perkara.

Siri Bercakap Dengan Setan: Betul atau Salah

Salah satu perkara kegemaran ego untuk memperkasakan kehadirannya dalam hati manusia adalah dengan mempromosikan betul atau salah.

Nah, cuba fikirkan. Kalau kita kata, "Cahaya lebih pantas daripada bunyi." Maka ternyata kita betul, bukan?

Memerhatikan kejadian kilat dan guruh sahaja boleh membuktikan fakta ini.

Namun, apabila berkata "Cahaya lebih pantas daripada bunyi." maka adalah prang yang berkata, "Tidak! Bunyi lebih pantas!"

Jika kita secara sepenuhnya berada sealiran dengan Kebenaran, maka kita tidak akan beremosi atau berasa apa-apa atau cuba memperlekehkan orang yang berfikiran sedemikian, atau cuba memberitahu diri sendiri yang orang itu akhirnya akan bersetuju dengan kita.

Ini semua tindakbalas ego.

Kalau kita berasa yakin dengan kebenaran, maka kita akan yakin bahawa kebenaran itu akan tertera juga akhirnya, tanpa perlu mengalami apa-apa emosi langsung.

Adakah ini bermakna kita tidak perlu membetulkan pandangan yang kita fikir salah dari segi faktanya? Tidak. Ini cuma membolehkan kita agar tidak beremosi atau membuat apa-apa dengan dipengaruhi oleh perasaan.

Apabila niat kita tidak mempunyai baur perasaan, maka kita bebas melakukan perkara-perkara yang lebih baik daripada meroyan seperti orang gila tak ambik ubat.

Menjaga dengan ketat perasaan emosi yang timbul akibat betul/salah adalah satu perkara yang mungkin sukar.

AKu sendiri amat sukar mengawal emosi apabila melibatkan perkara betul/salah. Namun, ini adalah senjata ego yang paling mantap untuk menjadikan kita lupa daratan dan mula bereaksi dengan perkara serta perasaan yang tidak perlu.

Malah, inilah punca segala perbalahan, peperangan dan kebanyakan pembunuhan.

"Tuhan aku betul, Tuhan engkau salah!"

"Aku betul! Engkau salah!"

Maka merekapun berbunuh-bunuhan. Pasal apa? Pasal rasukan emosi yang tidak perlu. Akhirnya, mati.

Matilah ko!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Siri Bercakap Dengan Setan: Sakit

Hakikatnya, manusia ini sakit.

Kita mampu mencipta tenaga semurah air atau pasir, dan juga merakam video lucah Maria Ozawa. Pada masa yang sama, manusia juga menggunakan kegeligaan otaknya untuk mencipta bom nuklear dan Kanye West - perkara yang bakal melenyapkan segala-galanya.

Termasuk sebuah video lucah Maria Ozawa di mana dia melakukan hubungan seks secara berkumpulan dengan sekumpulan khunsa! Iya! Dapatkan segera di pasaran! Ayuh kita ke sana!

Dalam kebijaksanaan otak manusia, terdapat biji semaian kegilaan yang bakal merosakkan secara sepenuhnya.

Pepatah Cina ada mengatakan:

"Air yang mengapungkan kapal juga boleh menenggelamkannya."

- Wong Kei-Ying, bapa Wong Fei Hong, Drunken Master II

Kesakitan ini, kegilaan nafsu serakah untuk menitiskan darah dan melahap hati manusia yang lain seperti Hindun dan Hamzah berasal dari kita yang bukan kita - ego.

Ego ialah suara hati yang senantiasa cuba meyakinkan kita bahawa kita sentiasa diserang, bahawa semua orang berniat jahat, bahawa kita harus menjahanamkan orang lain demi memajukan diri sendiri, yang kita harus melukakan orang lain agar kita tidak bisa terluka.

Rasa rendah diri yang dimanifestasi dengan menjatuhkan orang lain berasal dari bisikan si ego.

Hasilnya samalah seperti bercakap dengan Syaitan.

Orang Melayu ramai yang mengidap AIDS - penyakit Aku Ingin Dilihat Super, seperti yang dijelaskan dalam Malay Dilemma keluaran Gila-Gila oleh kartunis Long.

Ini berasal daripada bisikan ego.

Sesetengah kita ketagih melakukan apa sahaja agar KELIHATAN super. Kelihatan lebih daripada orang lain. Dianggap lebih daripada orang lain.

Perasaan ini amat kuat sehinggakan ia menular ke setiap pelusuk amalan dan nurani kita.

Semua perkara yang kita buat kadang-kadang dipengaruhi dengan kuat oleh perasaan ingin dilihat super.

Semasa memberitahu berita kepada kawan kita yang tidak tahu, ada yang mungkin, untuk sekelip mata, berasa LEBIH daripada orang itu. Kerana pada ketika kita memberitahu itu, kita kononnya LEBIH hebat, LEBIH berpengetahuan dan LEBIH SUPER daripada kawan kita itu.

Semasa membuli rakan sekolah, atau menoron bontotnya, atau memukul mukanya, kita berasa besar untuk seketika kerana pada masa itu, kita berasa LEBIH daripada orang lain.

Kita mengikuti sesetengah amalan atau ajaran atau falsafah, maka kita pun menyangka kita LEBIH daripada orang lain.

Perasaan lebih yang kembang itu adalah perasaan ego yang kembang.

Ya, ego itu sendiri kembang. Dan kerana ego senantiasa ketagih untuk kembang, maka si ego akan melakukan apa sahaja agar dapat kembang.

Macam penagih dadah.

Semua perkara dijadikan pertandingan dalam lumba lari sendirian infiniti. Awek sapa ada tetek lagi besar? Gaji siapa lagi besar? Kereta sapa lagi best? Kulit sapa lagi putih? Dahi sapa lagi licin? Sapa sembahyang lagi banyak? Siapa lebih Islamik? Siapa lebih liberal?


Kesedihan akibat kebahagiaan yang tidak kekal. Kerana yang dikejar tak dapat. Pasal apa yang dikejar itu bukan sesuatu yang dapat dicapai.

Apa yang kau kejar sebenarnya?

Menjadi lebih baik daripada ORANG LAIN?

Dalam komik Pedang Setiawan, ada dinyatakan bahawa:

Di sebalik awan yang tinggi, ada lagi awan yang lebih tinggi.

Walaupun didaki sampai ke puncak, apa yang kau dapat di atas gunung hanyalah angin yang sejuk sampai ke tulang.

Ego senantiasa menyuruh kita agar bermusuhan dengan orang lain, kerana satu-satunya cara ego boleh kekal ialah dengan mewujudkan konflik atau drama di mana dia mendapat dua perkara yang maha penting baginya:

1. mendefinisikan dirinya sebagai lain daripada orang lain, maka terpisah daripada dunia.

2. menjadi hero atau heroin dalam kisah delusional angan-angan yang direka sendiri.

Identiti sebegini mengukuhkan kewujudan si ego, dan dia akan menjadi lebih kuat, jelas dan kembang.

Salah satu sebab ego kita, yang selalu mewakilkan diri kita yang sebenar, sukar mencapai kebahagiaan adalah kerana tumpuan kepada Ingin KELIHATAN SUper. Ingin disanjung.

Oleh siapa? Oleh orang lain.

Maka, Tuhan mereka adalah orang lain. Tuhan mereka adalah Makcik Bedah Mulut Jubur, jiran kawasan perumahan yang suka mengumpat. Tuhan mereka adalah pandangan Makcik Senah Pantat Bernanah.

Pandangan orang lain sentiasa berubah. Maka selama-lamanyalah mereka akan terlompat daripada kaki kiri ke kaki kanan, demi memenuhi kehendak hati pandangan orang lain.

Akan Bersambung...

Siri Bercakap Dengan Setan: Sekapur Sirih

Assalamualaikum dan salam sejahtera kepada Tun-tun, Tan Sri-Tan Sri, Puan Sri-Puan Sri, Datuk Seri-Datuk Seri, Datin Seri-Datin Seri, Datuk-Datuk, Datin-Datin, Encik-encik, Tuan-tuan, Puan-puan, kerusi-kerusi kosong yang diduduki Orang Halimunan, Pondan-pondan cover pakai baju Melayu sedondon, pembodek tua tak sedar diri, pencacai-pencacai tua pengangkut najis, mat-mat saleh sesat, Pemuda-pemudi PIS yang perasan mengalahkan Beyonce pasal dia ada konek (beb, konek ko takdelah sebesar konek Jay-Z. Ko ingat Beyonce heran? Takut dengan konek ko?), Puteri UMNO yang tak suka tengok filem seram sebab taknak kena raba tetek dalam panggung(takde yang hendak pun. Pinggan tak retak, nasi tak dingin. Orang tak hendak, aku pun tak hingin la! Perasan. Pipi tak mancung, tetek tersorong-sorong), Pemuda UMNO yang tidak lagi mengeluarkan statement bodoh, mungkin pasal dah kena warning (macam manalah si Amir Muhammad nak buat kompilasi Politicians Say the Darndest Thing - takde material, beb!), mat-mat rempit, hanjing-hanjing, pukimak-pukimak, orang-orang gila, hadirin-hadirat sekalian.

Berdirinya saya di sini adalah hasil seruan Dr Manhattan, juga dikenali sebagai Dr M.

Arakian sekonyong-konyongnya, dapatlah sang penulis ini menjabat tangan Dr M dua hari lepas, di Pew-tra-jay-uh. Tidak dapat kiranya sang penulis mencium tangan Dr M, kerana sang penulis tidak (lagi) mahukan projek bernilai jutaan ringgit daripada Dr M.

Dr M memberi ucapan berkenaan strategi orang Melayu dalam dunia yang semakin berubah dan penuh cabaran baru ini.

Tersentuh dan tergerak dengan seruan Dr M, dan juga sedikit termuntah dengan demonstrasi kebodohan orang Melayu di dalam dan luar dewan, ingin sekiranya sang penulis berkongsi sedikit ilmu di dada dengan orang Melayu sekalian.

Kenapa? Sebabnya, sang penulis adalah tin kosong dengan dua biji batu. Kalau tin kosong disepak, kuat bunyinya. Kalau tin penuh disepak, ada juga bunyinya, cuma tidak kuat.

Bunyi paling kuat datang daripada tin kosong yang ada dua biji batu, yakni orang yang ada ilmu sikit dan suka mencanangkan ilmunya.

Sebagai tin kosong berbatu dua, aku berasa terpanggil untuk bercakap kerana tiada pun tin penuh yang akan membuat bising. Jatuhlah tanggungjawab atas dua batu jemala orang macam aku ni.

Maka bermulalah siri ini - Siri Bercakap Dengan Setan.

Siri ini akan ditulis sepenuhnya dalam Bahasa Malaysia, agar mudah difahami oleh orang Melayu yang ada diantaranya berpendapat yang kalau berbahasa Inggeris, boleh jatuh murtad dan tidak dapat masuk syurga lantas minum dari sungai arak tanpa alkohol (sparkling wine, Guiness Malta, non-alcoholic beer, tapai, tuak*).

Dr M menyeru agar orang Melayu memperkasakan diri mereka. Bukan memperkosakan diri kita ya, tapi memperkasakan.

Maka, dengan siri ini, sang penulis akan membincangkan perihal ego dan ajaran penulis dan filasuf Barat yang suka mencedok daripada falsafah Timur - Eckhart Tolle.

Kita akan melihat perihal ego dan kesannya kepada masyarakat Melayu moden; bagaimana menangani ego; menjalani kehidupan yang baik; serta strategi hubungan umum dengan dunia luar.

Sudah cukuplah sang penulis bersyarah dalam Bahasa Inggeris, kerana yang membacanya rata-rata bukan Melayu.

Ini adalah zakat ilmu - ilmu dua biji batu dalam tin kosong.

Sang penulis terpaksa merendah diri, kerana ego umat Melayu amat kental dan besar bangat - eh, tercuri frasa slanga Indonesia la pulak! Esok ada la yang dayung perahu ke rumah aku kat Bangsar ni.

Seperti yang diperkatakan oleh kartunis Long dalam Gila-Gila, orang Melayu rata-rata ada AIDS. Penyakit Aku Ingin Dilihat Super.

Semua bahan dalam syarahan ini tidak berbentuk keagamaan dan bebas polemik agama, maka boleh digunakan tanpa was-was.

Kalau ada pun rujukan agama, aku akan simpulkan dalam konteks agama Islam cabang Sunnah Wal-Jawaah, Mazhab Syafie, sebab ramai yang kurang selesa sekiranya aku masukkan pemahaman Buddha, Hindu, Kristian, Yahudi, Shinto, Zen-Buddhism, pagan dan sebagainya.

Kalau adapun, aku akan pulas balik ke Islam, pasal orang Melayu, mengikut Perlembagaan Malaysia, semuanya beragama Islam.

Maka aku pun mulakan kursus ini, untuk semua orang Melayu dan orang yang paham Bahasa Melayu sahaja.

Tunggu Kuliah Pertama kita lepas aku ada masa nanti.

Sekian, terima kasih.

Saya yang menjalankan tugas,

Setan Kuning

* tapai dan tuak ada alkohol la, bodoh!

Monday, October 19, 2009

The Hero of a Thousand Feces

Everyone loves a good villain. Everyone seems to need a good one, and they seem to create one every minute or every second.

Fairly easy to create, villains - the enemy - only exists in the mind of humans.

One of my greatest villains ever was a dental nurse who would come to my primary school and drill holes in my teeth.

There was nothing wrong with my teeth. Sure, they had some stains from only brushing once a day, and I did have some cavity, but they worked just fine.

Then the nurse came and started shouting obscenities at every kid who walked into the makeshift clinic they set up beside the library.

I ran away, once, from the clutches of the bitch, when she commented on my choice for lunch - fried noodles - some bits of which stuck to my teeth.

It would be eight years before I was to see another dentist, because I had to have my wisdom teeth removed.

Now I see a dentist every six months at least, to get cigarette stains out.

All those eight years, I have turned the figure of the dental nurse as an enemy. The other.

I can't even remember her face, but in my head, I had turned her into a demon. A succubus with a drill. The Tooth Satan, come to give me holes in my perfectly fine, stained teeth.

I used to fantasize that I would come back to my hometown as a very successful financial speculator and drive - sorry, pilot a plane - no, private jet - through her house.

"I'll show YOU!"

I was the hero in my story, while she was, I realised, the heroine of hers.

She must have thought, "I am giving free dental care to these monkeys in the rural areas. And they DARE to not love and worship me?"

I mean, you don't shout at kids unless you really hate your job and believe you are victimised by circumstances, and are in pain and suffering.

I assure you that the dialogue in my mind back then was no less ridiculous than hers.

We create our own enemies. As much as Batman created The Joker. Enemies are there to define our sense of self and validate the stories we tell ourselves. Without even considering the possibility that they are just as scared as you are and are compelled to do things simply to re-inforce their own fairy tales and roles.

Delusional tales of grandeur. And according to Joseph Campbell, in his book The Hero of a Thousand Faces, there is only one story, told over and over again.

The Truth, I believe, was perhaps much more mundane and boring.

Being a dental nurse is a tough job. She was treating around 600 kids a week. She was pregnant - I remember thinking if I kicked her stomach hard enough, would she have a miscarriage? Lots of different things could be happening in her life.

And I was just scared of drills.

Two self-absorbed, egotistical people, with a demented look at life, coming together to form animosity. A story.

Guess what? The story would repeat itself. Every time I think of anyone as an enemy - usually cab drivers, because I have been taking cabs for 11 years now - it is the same old story.

The Tooth Satan in its many different guises. But still the Tooth Satan.

People are naturally compelled to create characters and caricatures to reinforce their roles and standings in their little worlds. We have a compulsion to define ourselves and the easiest, fastest, most McDonald's way of doing that would be to create something that we could differentiate ourselves to.

Like a dental nurse stuck in a shitty job, with a shitty attitude. It MUST be because she hates YOU, isn't it? She might, but that's her problem. Dealing with her own demons. Her own Tooth Satans. It's really not her fault.

Just as it is not yours.

Brainless in Bangsar

Just received a morning assignment and that means I can't really go to sleep tonight. Might as well get things ready for tomorrow.

In a soon to be futile effort to stay awake, I shall tell you of my love to argue.

I love arguing, and I love being right. It feeds my ego. Makes me feel better than those who are wrong.

It dehumanises them. Takes away their humanity, leaving only a caricature of 'it that is wrong.'

When a human is reduced to being 'it that is wrong', I can do anything to 'it'. I can kill it, beat it up, rape it, and stick my finger up its ass.

This is the process in which all wars and fights started. All forms of ultra-violence and genocide started with reducing normal people into labels and subsequently, caricatures.

The Spanish Inquisition never tortured people. They hunted down heretics, who did not agree with their beliefs. George W Bush did not kill people in Eye-Rack. He was killing terrorists.

Pol Pot killed bespectacled people for fear of them finding a telephone booth and turning into Superman.

Hitler killed Jews, because Jews are thieves. Thieves who stole their jobs and business.

The Allied forces did not kill people. They killed Nazis and Japs and chinks and gooks.

In each instance, they never killed people. They were killing something else. A dehumanised version of people.

Therefore, when I do not agree with people, I never look at their argument. I look at their personalities. I never attack their arguments. I attack them personally.

That makes me feel so much better about myself, doesn't it? I am right, they are wrong. I win!

Man, I got to get some coffee.

What Men Want

I have written extensively on what women want. I find it a subject of interest because I believe that if we were to discover what women want, I can have them sucking my dick all day, every day.

However, I have yet to write about what men want. Oh man, this will be a short article.

Chris Rock said, "Men want only three things, and three things only. Food, sex, silence. Feed him, fuck him, shut the fuck up. He's happy."

Sometimes, it is that simple.

And yet, there I was, at a party, falling asleep as some married men talk about, amongst other things, how to live off your wife.

And yet in another car ride, I find myself in conversation about how men can control women.

I honestly never knew that as a man, I can do so many things and get away with it. It is extremely fortunate that I was born with a dick and not a vagina.

Apparently, while women constantly say they want everything, a man usually has it.

I have met a lot of women who want to be dominated by men. They want to be told what to do, what to wear, how to look, how to act and so many other things.

I considered this lifestyle, this way of living, and found that it has its benefits. Being told what to do means that you do not have to decide, thus taking all responsibility off your shoulders.

As a man, I do not have to ask for power. It is given to me as if it came with my dick. An impressive feat for a slab of cylindrical muscle roughly 20 inches in length and 10 inches in diametre, I must say.

Whenever a man does something wrong, we are told to 'be a man about it'. However, some of the time, 'being a man about it' involves blaming the women.

From religion, to Sept 11, it was always the women's fault.

This is a result of a situation when in order to function, a man has to have full and complete deniability. And women are deniability, as a lot of them live in denial.

I find the wedding industry to be preposterous, and yet it shall survive while I will one day die and be forgotten - as I want to be.

Disney is cashing in on their 'Princess' business which offers women - grown ones - fantasy weddings, complete with pumpkin coaches and dresses and Celine DIon CDs and profestations of eternal devotion, which is all bollocks because there is no eternity. Nothing lasts forever, and at the rate of 1 in 3 marriages crumbling to dust in a mere handful of years, I hardly doubt there is eternity in it.

That, however, has not stopped Disney making billions of US dollars from marketing their Princess wedding shit.

Women do get something from marriages - denial. What do men get? Free pussy? However, at an average of RM50,000 a pop, the pussy you get through marriages are hardly free. SOme are still paying for it. Pussy payments. In installments. And I speak with no judgment or emotion.

In some marriages, it is really for convenience. For social standing. "How people see me."

I have met, in my short life, perhaps only ...errrmmm...two? Maybe three marriages that do not have any ulterior motives in them. And my parents' union is not one of them.

Oh well.

It is interesting to note that when talking about what men want, it is usually thrown into the context of what the woman can do, to get their man. Well, as you can see, some men also are interested in what women want to get them to suck their dicks.

Since I now have friends who are married, I can no longer condemn marriages. Not because I believe in it. Simply because if they are not married, I won't be able to go to their homes and eat and drink for six hours, for free.

Therefore, go forth and get married. And invite me to more open houses. Feed me. And if you're so inclined, suck my dick. And shut the fuck up.

The Adventures of the Amazing Boron - The World's Most Boring Man

I spent last Thursday drinking with Sunder. A good friend. One of the best.

And then, I slept and woke up sometime during the day to find that my Internet connection has mysteriously disappeared.

Intrigued, I called up the service provider and they wouldn't give me any details because the account was registered under the name of a friend.

So I called them back again and masquaraded as my friend, complete with make-believe accent, and got the information I needed.

I found myself hailing a cab outside my apartment, where one stopped and asked me, "Where ayou going?"

Me: Midvalley.

Cabbie: Will it be jammed?

Me: Er...I don't know?

C: Then you can't get in. If you don't know, you can't get in.

Apparently, to ride in some cabs, you need to be clairvoyant.

Anyway, got to Midvalley, settled the bills, which apparently was not the issue. The account was never suspended. It was mechanical in nature.

Got home, then got a call to join some friends for some halal drinks. I acquiesed and within minutes, was trying my best not to stare at a pair of jiggling breasts.

It was quite uncomfortable. I was looking up and doing my utmost to focus on the lips of the owner of said dirtypillows, and awkwardly finding out that big, jelly-like knockers are like black holes with a strong pull from which no light can escape.

There were conversations that were had, but my mind carries with it the singular image of the singular pair of boobs.

There was something about mythology or some sort, and also the issue of writer's block. I had experienced that when I no longer want to service the ego, or feed into any sort of insecurity, I couldn't write that much.

It was before I realised that I can shift my intention and focus from the self and the 'needy, greedy little mes' and write with other intentions that do not necessarily have anything to do with emotion - and actually function on some level, serving another purpose - that I managed to break the dam again.

After that, it was back at home, watching some stuff I had gotten from some friends.

I was still having problems with the Internet connection and after some rebooting and replacing the SIM card in its holder, managed to get online again.

It was then that I decided to write about religion and mythology, based on what I knew and what I was taught. It was a strange compulsion. In the past, I have always been bothered by religion and how it turns people into emotional and such egotistical creatures. I intend to remain Vulcan. And then, sleep.

On Saturday, I awoke finding my cigarettes finished and that I had no food. And so, I slept.

I woke up to a phone call from a dfriend who wished to take me to an open house of sorts.

After weighing my options, I went, and spent six hours eating and drinking. Went home and watched more media files on my TV, as well as some rather pornographic material.

I went to the office on Sunday, and am now back home.

There is no lesson here. No motive. I just spent a few days meandering about, all the while overseeing some writing projects.

I look forward to the rest of the week. There are some things that need doing, some things to write, and some things to bite.

Oh well. Such is the life of a Boron.