Friday, December 30, 2011


Way back when, my weakest subject was composition - writing. Realising that this was my weakness, I focused on that for years.

The period when I was in high school, I sensed there were dark undertones - some grim current running throughout the school. So I spent most of my time there reading. For five long years, all I did was read and read until the library became boring and I had to reread certain books - my favourites - more than 20 times.

Coming to KL, I had a deep distaste for Malaysian entertainment. There was a period in my life when I only watched movies by Japanese directors and Wong Kar Wai. So lo and behold, there I was right smack in the middle of the entertainment industry.

After learning mankind's dark sides first hand, I cultivated a hatred for people and everything concerning them. So, I thought it would be a good exercise if I were to try and understand them - these mammals with theatrics.

The amount of information was overwhelming. Tone and volume of voice, facial expressions, hand gestures, what they say in and out of context. I find that the best way to understand is to understand fear, as humans are motivated primarily by this emotion.

Yes, fear makes the world go round. Not love, hatred or anger. It is always fear.

The fear of being judged and coming up short. The fear of rejection. The fear of not being believed - especially true for children and idiots. The fear of losing out. There is always fear. Everywhere.

And so I thought, "I must experience these fears."

That set me on a quest where I hurled myself into countless awkward situations, just to experience the fear. To better understand it.

I finally discovered Eckhart Tolle's teachings in his masterpiece A New earth, which finally puts everything into perspective. I finally understand what that fear is, and why humans do what they do.

Doesn't make me a millionaire, but it does give me the opportunity to sleep soundly at night, realising why humans are as they are.

2011 in Revue

CAPTION: THIS is a revue. Okay?

And so, On Feb 14 or so, Amir Hafizi doth left his post as news editor for entertainment at The Malay Mail and set forth on his quest.

"I shall build my kingdom with my own hands and wear my crown on a troubled brow."

Amir Hafizi knew that financially, he was in trouble. Credit cards and student loans piled high before him, the barbarian unzipped his fly and showed them his dick.

"Credit cards! Arrrr! Student loans! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! By this dick, I rule!"

And so it was foretold that the Last Son of Pimpton, the Lord of Destruction, knuckled down hard and survived 12 inhuman feats of labour.

"My father and his father before him carried each of their societies into the 20th and 21st Century. And my mother's father's father walked the earth as a preacher before - with only the dust of his travels on his pants - he built a cattle empire. Your figures make me snarl."

And so he hacked and he slashed, and with more luck than he would admit, managed to pay off his credit cards and slash his loans in half.

"Huarrrggh! Barbarian at the Gates of Hell!"

Throughout the journey, the vagabond barbarian discovered some use for his spirit practice. He soon discovered a form of barbarian magic and became a mystical being of pure rage magic.

"I need mana!"

A chance encounter at a toilet opened a safe passage to a ship for our young barbarian. On his journey, Amir Hafizi started crafting a Reality Gem.

"I assert reality!"

Where would he end up? Thrown among the piles of bones and carcass, a small blade on his back, an arrow to his sphincter, or to reign as lord of all Sheogh? Only time will tell.

"Fuck this BLR shit or Amir SMASH! ARRRRRRGH!"

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Principles, Vagina and Coke

I was pondering a melodramatic entry about principles, when I decided to write about girls using their vaginas to open a bottle of Coke and 'drinking' the entire content of the bottle with their cunt, and then filling the bottle again.


Now to sleep.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Dreams and Portents: From Singapore (And Sometimes Hong Kong) With Whatever


And so I dreamed, earlier tonight, that I was at a Comicon in Singapore, where I bought two t-shirts for RM70, when I realised I needed more than the money I have in my wallet to last through the trip. After I paid my last RM70 to get the shirts, I went to an ATM, where I suddenly realised that I had no passport.

Aghast, I went back inside the Comicon area where my friend told me that he himself had come to Singapore last week and he had forgotten his own passport. He assured me that it is possible to sneak past immigration.

Then, people from my office showed up and I found myself smoking behind the hall, staring up at a hill. For some reason, the hill was observed by a camera. I instinctively knew that the camera did not capture the images we see with the naked eye, but rather of the hill in the future.

One of us brought down the camera and I immediately disassembled it, taking apart the memory card as well as whatever could be a tracking device. I was alerted by the party and as I looked up, two guards showed up at either end, preventing our escape.

I immediately noticed a room that wasn't there before and quickly entered, where I stuffed the electronics into my pants.

Then I walked nonchalantly past the guards and what followed was a merry chase on the streets of Hong Kong, for some reason.

We parted ways and I was trying to sneak past the Singaporean immigration when I woke up and decided for an hour's worth of sleep, that was certainly a long dream.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Bandar Dosa: Syaitan Mengaji Pada Dini Hari

Aku hela nafas aku dalam-dalam. Tarik supaya lebih dua ribu bahan kimia menekan diaphragm, menekan alveolus, bronkiol dan bronkus. Rasa seperti paru-paru diurut seorang tukang urut Siam. Pakai siku.

Aku merokok di tengah bandar yang penuh kepura-puraan. Banjir sampai ke hidung dengan manusia yang berpura-pura. Perempuan yang mengenakan solekan agar nampak seperti mat salleh, atau seperti watak kartun Jepun. Lelaki yang bersolek supaya kelihatan seperti perempuan.

Yang berserban dan yang memakai rantai salib melintas jalan. Penganut Buddha yang menyembah manusia, walhal agama Buddha tiada tuhan yang pasti, hanyalah jalan ke arah kesedaran hakiki.

Mereka terjerit-jerit perihal bagaimana orang lain itu palsu, tetapi mereka sendiri?

"Tulen, bang." Kata TV yang memainkan filem Mr Os. Di kedai tepi jalan tempat aku minum. Tempat aku tengok orang lalu-lalang sambil pura-pura ahli filasuf.

Aku menghirup teh aku, pasal aku ini watak dalam cerpen urban. Mesti minum teh. Kalau tonggang minum arak, kena jadi artikel keinsafan. Kenalah aku pergi bertaubat di sebuah masjid dengan seorang ustaz yang hanya senyum, mungkin pasal dia kentut.

Sebelum tu kena berdrama dulu dengan keluarga, sambil mak aku pakai telekung putih berdoa sambil menangis. Lepas tu mesti aku cuba curi rantai emas dia, nak buat gadai, pasal nak beli dadah. Pasal kalau minum arak, mesti isap dadah.

Jadi aku minum teh jelah, ya?

Aku perhatikan manusia, dan syaitan dalam diri aku mula bergerak. Perlahan saja, pada mulanya, kemudian keluar dengan penuh kehangatan dan kederasan api neraka.

Syaitan aku menjerit-jerit ke muka aku. Membisikkan rahsia-rahsia dunia dan rahsia kehancuran.

Aku biarkan saja. Teh aku, sudah tinggal separuh.

Syaitan yang sudah penat, duduk di kerusi kosong sebelah aku, capai rokok aku dan dia menyalakan sebatang.

"Tenang kau hari ni?" katanya, selamba.

Aku menarik asap rokok, mengurut peparu.

"Apa pasal kau tak jawab?"

Aku habiskan teh.

Muka syaitan sesekali nampak macam Dave Grohl pakai mekap setan.

"Kau ingat," aku berhenti seketika untuk pastikan syaitan masih mendengar, "Zaman sekarang ni, kau dah cukup jahat?"

"Akulah Tuhan Kegelapan!"

Aku tenung mukanya, yang nampak macam Usain Bolt.

"Hmph. Kau dah ketinggalan zaman. Aku jauh lagi ke depan."

Aku pun balik rumah, dan aku berak. Pastu aku pun tidur awal.

Pada dini hari, aku terjaga dan aku terdengar Syaitan baca Al Quran sambil menangis teresak-esak. Aku sambung tidur.

"Hmph, amatur," bisikku pada diri sendiri.

Intermission: For Whom the Bell Tolls

Been resting and playing for two days, so today I am going to work. There are a few things that need to be done and as always, I am the one to do it.

But that's work. It's the same anywhere, everywhere.

Recently, there has again been a big hoo-haa on wishing people 'Merry Christmas'. Some morons said Muslims can't wish that to non-Muslims, for fear of points being deducted from our good deeds.

What nonsense. But then again, this is how a lot of people want to live their lives - dictated by nonsense people - so who is anyone to tell them otherwise? To tell them they are wrong.

Whenever I alert people that they are wrong, they get angry, even when the whole intention is the sharing of information. And there are lots of information about these religious festivities.

For example, Christmas is probably not the day on which Jesus was born. He was born probably in Spring. Some sources say that Dec 25 was a pagan holiday to celebrate either Mithras or Saturn. Hence The Big Bang Theory's Sheldon saying Happy Saturnalia instead of Merry Christmas.

When I was in school, my teachers and a book said that the two Eids were created to replace two pagan festivals happening at the same time. I do not know the veracity of this as it was handed down as an oral tradition.

If we go back further in time, we can find many elements in current religion stemming from even older beliefs. The Siratul-Mustaqim that is mentioned in Islam, was also a depiction of Judgement Day by Zoroastrians. Their As-Sirat was also a bridge the width of a seventh of a single human hair.

Jesus' traits of being born of a virgin, tempted in the desert, crucified and later resurrected were also the stories of Mithra, Krishna and some Egyptian God. And Jesus was mentioned in both The Bible as well as The Koran.

The teachings of a middle path is also inherent in Buddhism, some 500 years before Christ. Islam also teaches moderation, also a middle path, frowning on extremism.

In Malaysia, the practice of bankrupting one's self for marriage was a fusion tradition. Islam required that news of a marriage be announced somewhat, and the natives here combined that with Hindu traditions to a certain extent. So that today, we have people going into debt to throw a party (or several) for weddings.

In the end, though, as I always tell my atheist friends, leave the people be. They want to believe or celebrate anything, let them. Who are we to tell them otherwise. Each one of us have our own vices and the worst could be a desire to be right and prove other people wrong. There is no comparison, really, as right and wrong are merely two sides of the same coin.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

FUCK YOU! and Merry Christmas

House of M

I'm a late bloomer. I laid my hands on my first computer - a monochrome Macintosh when I was eight years old, in my old primary school.

My brother, whose former interests were motorcycles and photography, then got into computers and bought a 386, later a 486. He showed me what was cutting edge at the time - screensavers.

The screensavers he showed me were used as a demonstration of what the computer could do back then.

I only knew the machines as one thing - a possible tool to play games. I played Jane's simulation for the F-117 and the A-10. Also, Dune 2 and C&C 2: Red Alert as well as Doom.

In 1996, my father decided to buy a PC. It was a Pentium-S machine with 16MB of EDO RAM and 2GB hard disk drive. It also came with a 14.4kbps modem.

I had previously encountered more computers and my first programming language - LOGO - at school. Back in my school, we used to break into the computer room to play games and for some, to surf and print porn.

I was online in 1996 at home, with the full intention of looking for naked pictures of Shizuka from Doraemon. What I found were communities of people living there.

In 1999, I was in UM and a bunch of us went to MMU to access the high internet speeds. I spent a month there, not realising I was missing out on a special semester at UM, to watch anime.

This was also the first time I created a website. At 19. It had a main title, which had a reflection that shimmered because of a Java applet embedded. It had glowing buttons. In other word, the website was total crap.

I say I'm a late bloomer because today, I see 12-year-olds doing incredible things. Technology has advanced so much that within a mere handful of months, kids can make professional websites with all the functionalities that any business would require.

I have met tudung-clad makciks who run successful blog-shops online. Those who say blog-shops do not work, with their rudimentary free tools and amateurish coding, do not understand people.

You can look at global graphs charting the rise of e-commerce in terms of fashion, gadgets and books.

It's not how the thing looks - it's the functionality. Bottomline, is this shit useful? Does it cater to my needs? Function before form. Fuck Steve Jobs. Long may he be gone.

Reddit's design sucks and is too cluttered. But when they hold Q&A with anyone I have an interest in having a Q&A in, I willingly sift through their pile of shit to get at that thing I want.

Craigslist sucks, but people still go there.

The Internet is a Millennium Falcon, not a Star Destroyer. Things get fucked up, tools are used not for their intended purposes, and people are jerks and douchebags. They are also way smarter than anyone gives them credit for. Understand that.

The world is fast passing me by. But I am not worried. Tides will change and there is nothing any single person can do about it. There is no use worrying about the ocean.

My skill sets are hardly unique. But I am.

Friday, December 23, 2011

I Dream of Electric Sheep

Woke up at midnight again. I slept maybe for an hour. Maybe less.

I had a dream of a blue shirt in front of a cabinet full of papers. And that was it. Just one picture. A still image.

I record my dreams for an experiment. It's a useless thing, really. Trying to recreate experiments by noted psychologists.

So far, I have recurring ones where I met Satan(who looks like actor Zami Ismail in traditional garb made of rags), trapped in an oil painting - as part of the painting, part of a military experiment which allowed me to hover inches off any surface and dreams where I try to explain on TV horrific circumstances that I only realise as I grabbed the mic.

I have been having these dreams for some years now. I have no idea what they mean.

When I am tired, I often do not dream, and feel lethargic after I wake up.

Sleep without dreams means I did not go into REM sleep. Dreams only occur during REM sleep and the unique brain-serotonin is only produced by the organ when you dream.

Serotonin is the chemical that controls happiness and apetite.

This is why humans feel better after a restful sleep. Which is why I am going back to bed right now and try to dream of electric sheep.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Malaysian Psycho: Jung and Freud

Today, I'm going to write a very simplified and condensed take on the works of Jung and Freud by using myself as an example.

You can read about their stuff on Wikipedia, so these are only things I myself have taken and thought about. This came about when some people told me I was probably insane or suffered from some form of autism.

Asperger's syndrome, probably.

I ruled out Asperger's because the syndrome requires that I be socially awkward most of the time and I do not have repetitive types of behavior common in the sufferers of such a disease. The social awkwardness I experienced early on in life was just me being young. And my moves have been random, only some of the times deliberately so.

My interests are broad, ranging from comics to Jungian psychology. Jung is by far my preferred authority on the matter simply because his analytical psychology fits with my world view. I irrationally reject MOST of Freud's derivations and theories simply because I find his penis-envy and seeking pleasure to be too simplistic.

Jung talks about a collective unconscious, which has been proven in some lab studies with white mice. White mice a few generations later could navigate through the maze better than the first few who encountered it, even if the babies were separated from birth - ruling out a kind of mice language for knowledge transfer.

Freud, meanwhile, believes in a subconscious dictating our moves and patterns of behavior. His theory points to the ego. In fact, he came up with the terms the id, ego and super-ego to explain what is basically - to me - the ego trying to convince the self that it is the self.

Jung is particularly useful in analysing mass crowd movements. The book Generations adhered to this theory somewhat in their take on each generation embodying a certain archetype.

I think I have written enough big words today. Now, for some tweeting before sleep.

Victim Stories

As the world's greatest psychological mentat, I must say that our society - the global one - is fraught with victim stories.

It is an old story where people place themselves as victims, relinquishing any and all form of control or responsibility to whatever is at hand. Whatever is convenient.

It is the ultimate running away practice, when you are no longer human or even a sentient being. You are just a victim, a worshiper of pain and therefore gets all the sympathy you can get.

The truth is, we all have more power than we dare admit. Whatever happens to us is a direct result of our decisions. We even command our state of being.

So if you are in an abusive relationship, you can always leave. If you are heading nowhere, you can always head somewhere.

"You don't have to be nowhere forever." - Delirium of the Sandman Comics.

In my world view, there are infinite gates - portals that can lead you anywhere, for you to have fun pretending to be anything. Because at the end of it all, we are not our labels or our jobs or whatever thing we call ourselves. We are not the experiences or the pain or the joy or whatever the fuck.

We are all limitless beings, capable of anything.

And those who limit themselves, limits their world.

Dreams and Portents

I got home, crashed on my bed and woke up just now.

I had another weird dream. This was one of those trapped-in-an-oil-painting ones. Usually, I was chased by a huge Ctulhu monster, and I couldn't run very well because we are all oil paintings.

This time, I was chased by transparent monkeys with red eyes. And strapped to my chest was a nuclear bomb. I was trying to tell the monkeys, in my dream, not to push the red button in my hand. But they continued the mindless assault.

After what seemed like an eternity, I got tired and just said, 'Fuck it' and pressed the goddamned button. Hard.

There was a blinding light, and I woke up.

I just wanted to record the dream before I forget any detail.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Malaysian Psycho

In this media industry, you usually turn out as either one of two characters - panic-button mashers or those who are as cool as a cucumber.

I am acquainted with both types, and I see their skills in getting the work done.

It would be easy to assume that panic-button people are chaotic and annoying, but in reality, they sometimes provide the order necessary for certain conditions.

In essence, panic-button mashers worship order and are striving through chaos to get to it.

Meanwhile the cool ones have nerves that rival combat fighter pilots. Nothing, absolutely nothing fazes them. And I have seen the wrath of extremely powerful men and women thrown at them, and still they smile.

These people are comfortable even in chaos, and in fact sometimes create chaos by being their laissez-faire selves.

These characters exist everywhere, on all manner of political spectrums. It is not an alignment, merely a method. Like acting.

And the best ones can switch between the two extremes at will, and still you can follow their logic and common sense.

The ancient Greeks, I think, came up with a theory that personalities are divided into four - choleric, phlegmatic, melancholic and sanguine.

Sanguines are happy people, or pretend-to-be-happy people who outwardly exudes only mirth, fun and joy. They do things without thinking and are often the blondes of the psychological world. They are the most worthless of people, most of the time, until such an occasion their function is needed. They are defined by their narcissistic tendencies and self-absorbed nature.

Melancholics are brooding thinkers, analyzers. Does not mean they are smart, just that they like to think, until sometimes some of them get paralysed from doing anything. Most valued attribute: intelligence.

Cholerics have huge temper tantrums and are obsessed with control. They are usually the most successful of all personalities because they value goals above humanity. The greatest tyrants, CEOs, kings and warlords were and are all cholerics. Courage defines them. Cholerics are often fearless and make decisions very quickly and are very committed.

Phlegmatics are supportive and malleable. They get along and are the anti-thesis of cholerics. People-oriented and introverted, phlegmatics are often the ones who ensure the drive of the cholerics and the plans of a melancholic are executed well as they value harmony above all else.

I followed some courses that make use of these classifications and people who find themselves as identifying with any class to believe theirs is the best. These people are usually the dumb and mostly useless sanguines.

The truth is, we encompass all these personality traits in ourselves and are capable of switching from one to the other at any given moment, to ensure it is the most useful at that instant.

So be it two or four, the goal is to be able to accept all sides of ourselves and be effective. Even as the dumbass sanguines.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Heroes of Might and Magic

I have been playing the Heroes of Might and Magic series for years. Now it's Heroes 6, but my favourite was Heroes 3.

Favourite alliance was Necropolis. Necropolis units are not affected by morale, which means there is one less factor in the game I need to pay attention to. It also inflicts bad morale to anyone fighting it, meaning yay for me.

Necropolis has the Lich, which is a pretty good ranged attacker, with a poison cloud attack that damages all units within a specific area.

There are also Vampire Lords, which can regenerate with each attack.

And then there's Dread Knights - to me the best melee unit.

See, Dread Knights have this ability to deal a death blow of some sort, which doubles the damage dealt. The effect is random, though, which means something like 20 % or whatever.

If you have a Necropolis hero with Expert Luck skill, this means that a stack of Dread Knights have the potential to deal FOUR TIMES its initial damage.

The seventh-level creature is the Ghost Dragon, which has a 20% ability to AGE creatures it attacks. Meaning, 1 Ghost Dragon vs a stack of 1000 Angels, and the lone dragon has the 1 in 5 chance to halve the HP of every single unit in the stack. ALL 1,000 of them.

Necropolis in Heroes III is truly an awesome side to be on. My number two favourite is the more expensive Tower faction.

Because they have this:


Tower is good because my normal gameplay is resource control. I spent many nights in my youth, playing custom maps where I painstakingly captured and defended each and every mine or mill until the enemy has nothing but second level units it could afford to buy.

I would also defeat their heroes and then recruit them at the tavern whenever possible, because human resource (as well as elf resource, dwarf, undead, demon, djinn, etc) is the most vital resource.

And THEN I attack the last towns, savouring the moment of total victory.

Patience is the last thing I thought I'd learn from playing games.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Charity and Goodwill

To all.

And to all, a good night.

Lepasan Arhat: Hikmat Kitaran Asura

Aku fikir, aku tak cukup best untuk menulis perihal Islam, jadi aku akan menulis falsafah Buddha.

Buddha menyatakan yang manusia dibelenggu kesengsaraan demi mengejar nafsu sendiri. Nafsu dalam konteks ini, aku kira, bukan saja nafsu serakah, amarah mahupun nafsu lain yang tidak mempunyai nama yang cool dan popular.

Nafsu juga, secara keseluruhannya, merujuk kepada keinginan manusia untuk menjadi 'lebih'. Mengejar kejadian yang 'lebih' ini telah menyebabkan manusia melakukan pelbagai perkara yang akhirnya mendukakan diri sendiri.

Perkataan sanskrit 'dukkha' merujuk kepada kewujudan dan kehidupan dalam dunia. Dalam erti kata lain, kehidupan itu sendiri adalah 'dukkha' - satu keadaan yang memeritkan. Sungguh emo sekali, tetapi itulah hakikatnya.

Buddha berkata yang manusia mampu menjadi gembira, sekiranya insan itu berjaya membebaskan dirinya daripada belenggu nafsu.

Beliau berpendapat hidup mengejar nafsu adalah hidup yang sia-sia, manakala mereka yang memilih untuk hidup dalam kesengsaraan juga agak bodoh. Buat apa hendak menyakitkan diri sendiri?

Buddha percayakan jalan tengah, dan bukannya berlawan dengan nafsu, tetapi mengiktiraf yang nafsu itu ada dalam diri kita semua. Buddha sebenarnya mengajar kita semua supaya menerima kehadiran nafsu, agar kita tidak dikawal atau dipandu olehnya.

Pada masa yang sama, amalan fizikal mestilah sentiasa baik agar kefahaman dalaman tidak diganggu-gugat oleh mainan luaran yang hanya mengacau.

Okay, masa untuk onani!

Semusim di Syurga: Seribu Pedang Pulang ke Asal

Aku membesar dalam keluarga yang bercakap Bahasa Malaysia loghat Pahang.

Loghat Pahang ni, dia slow, dia perlahan, dia ada ritma. Ada lenggok.

"Nok ke mana di tu?" (Awak hendak ke mana tu?) dengan sebutan sebegini: "Nowk ke manee Di tuUUuu?"

"Matnya di nok buat gitu? Wii baleee!" (Apa tujuan (mat = matlamat?) awak buat macam tu? Habislah!)

Kalau pergi ke Jerantut, loghatnya lain dengan loghat Pekan, dengan dialek Rompin. Orang Pahang memang jenis yang santai, tak suka ribut-ribut. Kalau berdrama pun, jenis drama yang membara dengan perlahan.

Ini lain, pada pandangan aku, dengan orang Kelantan yang terus beraksi agresif, juga orang utara yang sama kerasnya. Orang Johor, kalau marah, ritmanya tersusun dan tegas.

Apapun, aku membesar dalam loghat Pahang yang malas dan santai.

Selepas beberapa lama, aku mula membaca dan bahan bacaan Inggeris memang paling menghiburkan. Rancangan TV juga banyak membantu aku menguasai bahasa tersebut.

Aku mula bertutur dalam Bahasa Inggeris hingga menjadi bahasa utama aku. Aku mula berfikir yang Bahasa Malaysia sukar untuk dijadikan bahasa yang dinamik dan juga bahasa akademik.

Aku fikir sebegini hinggalah aku terjumpa penulisan Ahmad Kamal Abu Bakar yang menulis tentang ahli falsafah, penyair dan pendita yang aku hanya baca dalam Bahasa Inggeris.

Agak lucu bila aku baca perihal Sartre dalam Bahasa Malaysia, juga Nietzche (betul ke ejaan ni), Goethe, Plato dan yang lain.

Aku dapati bahasa hanyalah tunggangan idea, dan kalau diperhalusi betul-betul, mampu menyampaikan idea dengan mustajab kepada pendengar berbeza.

Dalam dunia dengan media yang semakin rumit, aku rasa penguasaan lebih daripada satu bahasa amat penting untuk kekal relevan.

Pengkhususan dan penumpuan aku pada Bahasa Inggeris telah memberi manfaat kepada aku, dan aku mahu pertajamkan penulisan Bahasa Malaysia aku, baik dalam prosa moden mahupun klasik.

Sejak beberapa tahun lepas, aku telah diberi tugas penerjemahan yang, pada masa aku tiada pekerjaan dan menjadi hamba berhutang, telah meletakkan sepinggan nasi dan sepiring lauk atas meja aku, atau meja kedai.

Aku tidak rasa ada canggungnya kalau berbahasa Malaysia. Bahasa itu sendiri tidak bersalah.

Antara kebimbangan mereka yang melontar Bahasa Malaysia jauh-jauh adalah imej dan keinginan untuk tampak profesional. Aku kira ini tidak adil. Gunalah apa sahaja bahasa, yang penting mesejnya sampai.

Ada juga yang kurang selesa sebab mereka jarang menggunakan Bahasa Malaysia dalam pertuturan mahupun persuratan. Jadi penggunaannya janggal. Aku akui yang aku juga rasa menulis dalam Bahasa Malaysia sebagai sesuatu yang tidak datang dengan sendiri.

Apa yang aku usahakan adalah membaca buku-buku Bahasa Malaysia yang aku senangi. Aku suka membaca teks-teks lama dan aku suka pantun. Aku suka cerpen-cerpen Bahasa Malaysia selepas Perang Dunia Kedua dan sebelum 1980an.

Penulis berbahasa Malaysia kesukaan aku adalah Uthaya Sankar SB. Mesejnya lantang, pendiriannya tegas, namun kehalusan bahasa dijaga.

Untuk menulis dalam Bahasa Malaysia moden, aku dapati jenis prosa yang telus seperti naskah skrip pentas Namron (Matderihkoloperlih, Lembu) sebagai contoh ulung.

Aku tidak akan berhenti belajar dan memperhalusi bahasa aku, walaupun dalam mencarut, sebab masa untuk aku berhenti belajar adalah pada ketika nyawa putus dari badan.

Friday, December 16, 2011

The Madness of Crowds

I spent a delightful evening having a great good old laugh with an old friend.

There were fart jokes, work jokes and stories of greatness and despair. And through it all, we managed to do some work that was hanging over my head. Hopefully it would be done by next week.

I was just enjoying being zoned out for a while and just do nothing. Be nothing.

Oh well. Time for porn.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Judging People Using Top Schools

If you come from an all-boys' school, or one of the famous schools in the country, chances are there are people who would judge you in certain ways. Here I list the most common stereotypes.


Malay College Kuala Kangsar. Elitist fucks.

Yet I had some of the most fun at UM with MCKK boys. Fun, being in the non-homo-erotic category.


Sekolah Tunku Abdul Rahman. What? Least famous and impactful of the top schools.

I dunno. Maybe they're on stealth mode?

3. SAS

Sekolah Alam Shah. Polite, soft-spoken and mild-mannered. VERY mild-mannered. EXTREMELY mild-mannered. I am not implying anything.

I'm not implying anything!


Sekolah Datuk Abdul Razak. Underdogs. Not high enough to be elitist, not grounded enough to be barbaric. Or were we?


Nah, we're underdogs.


Maktab Rendah Sains Mara. Malays who did enjoy the elusive 'Malay' privileges?

I already put a question mark up there.

6. VI and ST John's

Victoria Institution and St John's Institution (It is St John's, right? Or another St. Whatever.)

Lucky cause they were in KL and close to BBGS.


Unlucky cause they were in KL.

7. STF

Sekolah Tun Fatimah. Highly capable women. Seriously.


And maybe a few bitches here and there.

8. TKC or KTK

Tunku Kurshiah College or Kolej Tunku Kurshiah. KaTaK! KaTaK, WOI! And they wore green. Arrogant.


Looking back, I think the girls of KATAK! were just scared young girls, seeing a bunch of rowdy underdogs in a bus.

9. SMSy

SMS y-kecik. I don't know anyone from SMS y-kecik. I just love the idea of SMS y-kecik.

I saw their yearbook. Very proud of their y-kecik.

10. SSP

Sekolah Sri Puteri. I have no clue whatsoever.

Here's one truth - by the time you reach 18, all you gained from high school is gone. Except MCKK. They're still elitist. And they wear their school ties every whatever day.

But hey, man. I don't believe in judging people. Actually, I do, I just say that to be politically correct.

And I use many more insignificant things than the school they go to. For example, five years ago, I once judged somebody by how much of an asshole he was. And he just went to a whatever school.

Okay, time to finish wanking.

Sexist Bullshit

Some people think I'm like George Constanza - socially awkward, geek-like tendencies, vulnerable to women.

The thing about women is that I was raised in a family of extremely strong women. They are the heart and soul of the family. We, the men, are all aloof, and we just don't give a shit. My mother and sisters kept everyone together, or we would have said, "Fuck off, man," and wandered off into three different sunsets, by the three suns of Arrakis.

The women of my family do not believe they need anything or anyone in their lives - and I believe it is true. Their themes are independence and overachievement. They are some of the smartest people I know.

Fiercely independent, these women follow a strict code of honour and they believe themselves to be the ones who maintain balance in the universe.

Having grown up with such strong feminist ideals, I was perplexed when I found myself at a school for gifted boys. I spent five years there, cursing a world where men are dominant.

You see, in a society where men are dominant, there are lots of drama with people prancing around constantly measuring anything against each other, when they're not measuring dicks.

I thought that a world with more women would make more sense. I loved that idea for a while, thinking all the stuff I read in books would happen if more women were around me.

I was immediately disappointed when I emerged into the world and found that women are just as stupid as men. They are just people with boobs and a vagina. And people STILL prance around, measuring things against each other in pointless bullshit.

I was so disappointed.

And then I went to Thailand.

And then there was Eckhart Tolle, and his teachings pointed to a complete understanding of people, the self as well as the universe.

I find that aside from the tools to have gratuitous sex, there is really no discernible difference between men and women.

They are all equally fucked up. With the same potential for greatness and stupidity.

I called my mother just now. I cannot help her. I am sorry. All the talent and intelligence in the world, all the gifts, the skills - real and imagined - and I can't help anyone other than myself. And if I ever let up, if I ever slip, then they would worry about me.

I am so sorry. I can't save any of you. Men. Women. Mother. Father. Family.

That last line was a reference from the movie Tarzan: Earl of Greystoke.

I, Mercury

I once told a girl she had a moustache. My intention was pure. I just wanted to alert the tudunged girl she had a moustache. Not to laugh at her, but maybe to give her five bucks to get her moustache some threading.

She got offended.

I once told a person that certain things may not go their way. My news - again, well-meaning - provoked a tantrum. And weak machinations that annoyed me so much, I chose to not give a fuck about the fucker.

I have learned that people do shoot messengers, and I sure as hell will no longer be that bearer of bad news.

So the good news is, the world will end. Regardless of what we do, the world will die. If we stop struggling so much, maybe we would have some time to enjoy the bondage.

Some people believe that merely the force of feeling bad will change things. It doesn't. Feeling bad has never and will never do anything.

Anger, guilt, sadness, frustration, depression. All useless.

Okay. Nap before the thing.

I Don't Give a Flying Fuck

I got home from work. But I still got shit I need to do.

The past few months, I wallowed in the helplessness of it all, thinking it was Buddhist shit. But no, the Awareness means we take control of ourselves and our destiny, our life and even our breath, by standing in the rain, holding your dick out and massaging it lovingly as you wail to the sky.

"Respect my dick!"

It's simple. Nothing - absolutely nothing in this world has meaning. We put meaning into things, therefore the definition of the world is ours. We define it.

And you know what it all means? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Just people p0laying games.

So fuck it, I got something I need to finish tonight, and I'm finishing it. I'll get some sleep first, cause I'm fucking tired, but seriously? I am the true embodiment of not giving a fuck.

Tales from the Drunk Side: Fuck You

I am a bit lugubrious at the moment, having spent the whole night in front of amber liquids and some darker ones. But I can still write. I can write in my sleep.

I don't know why everything is run by idiots and stupid people. I don't. I really don't. But I'm not going to complain or tell my victim story.

No, man.

And this just after coming back from talking to people who know shit. Older people. I have spent a lot of my life trying to figure out old people because if you do, then you would have the wisdom of the ages. Hahahaha.

I have seen and gone through a lot of shit. Shit you wouldn't understand, in your puny brains. And I have enough brain capacity to know what kind of shit is going to go down. It comes so natural to me that it is instinctive.

All these inferior humans talking and worrying about the little shit, the little dramas, I know what's what.

A huge part of it is my understanding of people. I hate people, and because of that, I have studied them for a long time. Their tell-tale verbal and non-verbal signs, their psychological bullshit, even how they think.

First, you have to figure out what their motivations are. What drives them. For most people, it is the ego. The need to feel superior due to their insecurities and their fear.

I sense a lot of insecurities that shape our world. Our world, our existence, is shaped primarily by fear. That's stupid, but that's how it is. I am disgusted, but that's the way it is.

Everybody lies. Out of fear. I am the only person dumb enough to be honest. I can't and won't tell a lie. I'll escape telling you the whole truth if I believe that if doing so means I have to deal with more bullshit - which I hate - but I have never lied to anyone.

You know why? Because I know all fears are bullshit. What is there to fear, really? I have never met anyone smarter than me. I have never encountered skills I can't figure out or replicate in a few weeks. I am humble because it puts people at ease. It is for your benefit. And also mine, because I don't want to do your bullshit.

I am the smartest person I know, and with that, comes great tragedy. No one would understand what I'm talking about, or that I have gone through the simulations in my head many times over as you go just a few steps in the whole thinking process.

Do you know how agonising it is to wait for people to discover and figure out what you have a long time ago?

This is my ego - the biggest in the world - talking, but I am always light years ahead and I have to wait because the world is too slow.

"How is it working out for you, being clever?" said Tyler Durden from Fight Club. See? I should NOT have had to mention that Tyler Durden was from Fight Club, but for the benefit of philistines and idiots, I have to insert disclaimers all the time.

I meet people who love cliches. Tropes. Does any of you understand how annoying it is to see and hear what people are going to say just a few minutes in advance? Or even a few seconds?

I always feel like I have lived this life many times over and that I have had all conversations at least twice before, therefore there is no point in me saying or doing anything because I already know the outcome.

It is this immense boredom that I hate.

People think they are so clever, with their silly little constructs and schemes, when it is as transparent and insignificant - ultimately stupid - as one devised by five-year-olds.

So this is why, a few years back, I decided to stop being right and just find a better way to be happy. Fuck all this shit, man.

Being happy, to me, (and putting 'to me' is like saying 'in my opinion' because if it is your opinion, it is never wrong and you can never be sued) means to be free from all the lies and stupidity and idiocy and dumbness. Actually, it is to be free from everything. Which is why I am typing this naked.

I believe that being happy is the only quest worth pursuing. Everything else is bullshit.

Nothing and no one makes you happy. You make yourself happy by detaching yourself from your self. When all the definitions and labels are gone, you are left only with the essence of your being - your soul. It is this soul thing that, if you feel it, means you are one with the universe.

The few times I am able to detach myself from any and all labels, I am truly happy. Happy is a state when you realise there is nothing you want. It is the absence of desire.

And you know what? I want nothing. I used that at first, years ago, to ensure that no one can control me. Then I realised that that was also a want, a desire.

Oh God, I puked. In the toilet.

I am the greatest gift that God/Science/Eywa has granted the omniverse. Which is another label, I guess. But it's true.

Sleep. Now.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Give Me Money

The world is really just made of paper. Imaginary lines, scribbles on pictures are all that determine our right to be where, as well as our time and everything else.

You wanna know why the media is so powerful? Because the media can remix reality, reshape the world you live in. It influences what is thought, what is talked about and eventually what gets onto paper - your pay, your worth, your freedom.

The power lies not with the media, but between those who are at either ends of it. Media is simply a collection of mediums for communication. And at the end of the day, it is this communication, this information flow, that holds all authority, all power.

It is this communication that defines communities and societies. They can take away everything else, but as long as they do not control what we communicate and how we do it, we are, in this last inch, free.

Give it up, and we are slaves forever.

I don't believe in resisting anything, except for attempts to grab my crotch or my man-boobs by undesirable people. I believe that anything we fight simply gets bigger. Every time I forget this, it gets slammed in my face.

Eckhart Tolle wrote some true shit, but he never taught us how to fight. And he's right. Fighting simply feeds the adversary in our own hero story, starring ourselves. Fighting feeds the ego.

Resistance IS futile.

And here's the secret. You do not fight. You do not resist. You do not struggle, it will only make the bonds tighter. You sit still, and you say no. Without emotion, without ego, without a loaded thought. Just say no. A high quality, flat-toned no. When the moment comes for action, you move with the universe, and the universe moves with you.


Okay, time to masturbate.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Vote Amir Hafizi for 2012

Okay, that's it. I'm running for the Malaysian Presidential office against Zaid Ibrahim.

Here are my issues:

1. I am for the Peaceful Assembly Bill.

2. I am for the restoration of the ISA. And volunteer to be the first inaugural prisoner of its reinstatement.

3. I am against CPB2011. Unless I am on the board. In which case, show me the money!

4. I am for the legalisation of prostitution and the formation of a Prostitution Board which I will chair.

5. I am for Ambiga S to be part of any party, parade or whatever as Grand Marshall, to ensure good turnout.

6. I am for the creation of a third gender classification on Malaysian ICs. If Thailand has kathoeys, we will have pondans as a selectable gender. And 'pondans' can marry anyone.

7. Mohamad Sabu will have his own TV show. His catch-phrase will be 'ka-kaaa! woohoohoo!'

8. Zaid Ibrahim will be made Secretary for life, thus rendering him a non-president for life.

9. Anwar will be allowed to change details on his IC.

10. Armpits will no longer be an offensive bit of flesh warranting letters of warning from the KDN.

And here's my campaign slogan:

Spare Me Some Change?

CPB2011: MOSTI's Response

This is a statement from MOSTI on the CPB2011:


The Establishment of the Board of Computing Professionals Malaysia (BCPM)

Recently, there was a misconception about the proposed BCPM Act currently being drafted by the Ministry of Science, Technology and Innovation (MOSTI). The claim is that the new Act will regulate computing practitioners and force them to register with a new Board called the Board of Computing Professional and that those who are not registered with this new board would not be allowed to practise programming, software engineering or apply for government tenders regardless of their years of experience or other qualifications.

MOSTI would like to assure all concerned parties that the establishment of the proposed BCPM is a body that will give recognition to the information, technology and communication (ICT) practitioners in the country as professionals in their respective computing domain. BCPM does not aim to regulate the computing profession in the nation but only applies to those that are identified as Critical National Information Infrastructure (CNII) entities with the intent to safeguard the interest of the nation in view of the current dynamic and challenging global environments. CNII is defined as those assets, systems and functions that are vital to the nation that their incapacity or destruction would have a devastating impact on National economic strength or National image or National defence and security or Government capability to function or Public health and safety. The CNII entities will be as identified by the The Chief Government Security Office (CGSO).

As for the need to be registered as Computing Professionals with BCPM, it is not mandatory. Registration with the BCPM does not apply only to graduates from the computing domain but will also take into consideration those from other disciplines with adequate computing experiences as well as those with professional qualifications in their respective computing domain.

Why do we need this Act? The need of this Act is to achieve the following objectives:

Enhance the value of the profession as it will require registered members to possess minimum levels of qualification/experience;
Raise professional standards by developing and maintaining a code of conduct for computing professionals;
Review qualifications offered by other bodies in order to serve as a guide and reference when gauging which certifications are valid and relevant;
Provide some level of assurance of the quality of computing professionals to employers who hire those who are registered by BCPM;
Enhance the supply of ICT manpower in the country and help the nation achieve the goals of the New Economic Model in becoming a productive high-income nation; and
Serve as a central repository of all computing professionals and practitioners in the country.

The vision of BCPM is to ensure that all computing services provided by the Malaysian Computing Professionals are globally recognised and with full regards to the public interest in mind. BCPM’s mission is to elevate the standing, visibility and recognition of Computing Professionals to ensure that computing services provided by the Computing Professionals in the country are in compliance with appropriate legislation and policies.

Within the context of this draft BCPM Bill, “Computing” has been defined as a goal-oriented activity to plan, architect, design, create, develop, implement, use and manage information technology or information technology systems.

In coming up with the draft of the BCPM Bill, MOSTI has initiated an effort to ensure the views of all key stakeholders are taken into consideration. With this intent, MOSTI has engaged various parties from both the private and public sectors such as the Ministry of Information, Communications and Culture, Malaysian Communications and Multimedia Commission (MCMC), Public Service Department of Malaysia, Malaysian Administration Modernisation and Management Planning Unit (MAMPU), National Security Council, CGSO, National ICT Deans Council (MADICT), National Professors Council, Association of the Computer and Multimedia Industry Malaysia (PIKOM), Multimedia Development Corporation (MDeC), CyberSecurity Malaysia, MIMOS Berhad and Malaysian National Computer Confederation (MNCC) to deliberate and confer on all pertaining issues on the subject matter of computing professionals in the country.

In order to solicit further inputs to improve the BCPM Bill, MOSTI will be having an open day on 13 December 2011 (Tuesday) from 9.30am to 5.00pm at the following venue:

Dewan Perhimpunan
Ministry of Science, Technology and Innovation
Level 1, Block C4, Complex C,
Federal Government Administrative Centre,

The intent of the open day is to inform the public of the proposed establishment of the BCPM and to provide a platform for all interested parties to view the draft BCPM Bill and give the opportunity for members of the public to present constructive feedbacks, opinions and thoughts on the draft BCPM Bill. All feedbacks, opinions and thoughts will be considered by MOSTI in ensuring the draft Bill address the concerns and issues of all parties.

Ahah! This is the MOSTI response to the uproar against CPB2011 (now BCPM). They are stating what some people discovered earlier yesterday. That the Bill will not seek to regulate the ICT industry.

That means no registration of anyone for anything except for the CNII.

Honestly, I am torn about this issue. On one hand, we have the benefits of having such a board. On the other, I do not trust any organisation or body that is not formed by the grassroots.

UMNO was created by the grassroots. Granted, they were Johor's elite, but grassroots all the same. A regulating ministry, setting up a body and populating it with whomever they choose is... suspect. To me.

It's like if my bosses set up a union for me. And elected themselves as de facto Jimmy Hoffa.

Secondly, there is the matter of the vaguely defined CNII. It is determined, it is now revealed, by The Chief Government Security Office (CGSO).

Copypasta: Chief Government Security Office or CGSO is a unit under the Prime Minister's Department of the Malaysian federal government. CGSO is responsible to provide 'security protection' on all government assets such as federal buildings and so on. CGSO also provides 'security clearance' for the candidates who wish to join the civil service to ensure if he or she is not a member of any extremist groups.

Here's their website:

Now, CNII is as defined by CGSO. Fine. Will the definitions change over time? I dunno.

I know that a bunch of people got really pissed off about this and I was extremely concerned as they are some of the more prominent members of the ICT industry. Others were depressed and thought their jobs are lost. A few have planned for emigration.

So here's a few suggestions to MOSTI concerning the BCPM:

1. Define, or get CGSO to define clearly, what current projects are deemed CNII. Also a guideline for what will be deemed as CNII in the future. Then, put this in the bill.

2. Ensure that no one outside of Gov-linked projects will be required accreditation. Ever.

3. Just a thought, but maybe the ICT people would be better suited to be on the Board, with one or two Government people on it as well. Let them govern themselves. And open doors to work with the Government, instead of against it. If that is the plan, then good.

I hope there is a good outcome over this. The news that MOSTI has stated no one will be carted off to jail for installing Windows is good enough for today. Let's make tomorrow less dramatic as well, on all sides?

Inside Amir Hafizi

I think I'm supposed to prepare something as part of some training material for new writers.

Well, best advice is still: Read. Write. Finish what you write.

If you want to copy style, there's only one way I know - read. And get into the mind of the author. Only when you see what they see, understand what they understand, can you write in that style.

So to help people out, this is what goes on in my mind, every day. I'll give you the first 30 minutes from waking up to reaching the office.

Wake up. Check Twitter. Nothing. Check email. 40 emails already. It's 8am.

Should I pee or smoke first? Which one is further away? The cigs are in my 'home office', around 10 tiles away from this bed. The bathroom is 8 tiles away. Pee first, because holding pee in causes kidney stones. And it's nearer.

After peeing, smoke. Sit down. Scan Gizmodo, Google News, Yahoo News. Scan feeds.

Go and take a dump. Shower.

Choose shirt. Must distribute colour. Wear red less. Red intimidates. Boxers. Pale-blue jeans for coloured shirts. Blue jeans for white shirts.

Tag. Bag. Shoes.

Walk out of apartment. Go down stairs. Give two sticks of cigs to guards. Walk to office.

Mentally go through everything in mental list.

See NSTP guards. Guys I've known for years. Scar on left hand. Knife? Motorcycle accident? Walk past. Smell of un-deodorised armpits. Must remember not to inhale next time.

Door to office. Glass. Double doors. See the gap at the bottom. Locked? No. See the gap between doors. Locked? No. Enter.

Anyone having breakfast? Any chance of getting food? No. Walk past meeting room. Say good mornings. Walk to my desk.

Walk to people who come earlier. Establish what time I came.

Log in. Sit down. Log in again because mis-typed password out of habit. Check emails again. Check Facebook. Check Twitter. mental list one more time. Boss around? If present, go to boss. If not, go to breakfast.

At mamak. Scan. Try to match people's faces. See the connections. Patterns. Some girls only have a set of five ensembles. Some, a bit more. Today, wearing a newer piece of clothing? Yes? No?

Colour choice. Mostly white/light colour - probably no period today.

Night make-up, at 9am. Why?

Guys with shirts tucked in. Where do they work? Guys, shirt tucked out. Face seem oily. Must be journalists from night shift. Other table. Hair slicked back. Too much oil/gel/wax. Keys. Alfa Romeo keychain. On table. Insecure?

Zone out. Fart.

Zone in. Twitter.

Wait for second fart. Then pay.

Time to go back to the office.

Lucky for Me

I met some white friends recently and for some reason, I sense some unease and disillusionment on their part concerning being in this country.

I just had fun saying this line: "Easy for you, lah. You're white."

I get that all the time. "Easy for you, lah. You're Malay." From my friends. Usually close ones.

I look back at my life, and I try very hard to figure out, what has been easy?

I come from the swamp. I educated myself because I distrust the Malaysian Education System. Love the teachers, but distrust the system.

Lucky for me.

I was in the top 400 12-year-olds so they sent me to a boarding school. For the elite, right? Privileged, right? My friends and I had to endure shit you encounter in '70s and '80s college, in that school. And more. I was lucky to come out alive and intact.

Lucky for me.

I went to UM. Big fucking deal, UM. Computer science, bitch. The most important thing I learned from UM is that you can survive on roti canai for five years and that as soon as you figure out the system, you must destroy it.

Lucky for me.

And then, I started working. Wow. All these fat Government contracts. Politicians shoving my ass with cash. In my dreams.

I had to endure things you could never imagine. I worked like none of you have ever worked before. Bar none. BAR NONE.

People often tell me, I eat like I haven't seen food in a year. I relish every bite of food I get because I know how hard I worked for it.

Lucky for me.

Fuck you. I mean, fuck you.

I am Malay. So? What's the big fucking deal? If I want to climb this fucking coconut tree and tweet while drinking coconut juice on top, why the fuck should you care? If I want to worship a space God that can teleport and shoot laser beams from its ass, why should anybody give a shit?

The war in this country, is not a race war. It is a fight between the rich and the poor. The big question is how long will the poor allow themselves to be fucked up the ass and felt up by grubby little greed fuckers before they literally start killing people.

And yet, yes, I am lucky. I am a fucking genius. I may do some dumb things, but I am the greatest.

And no one is luckier than me. Except for white people.

Friday, December 9, 2011

CPB 2011: Mammaries of Things to Cum

I am happy to hear that AT THIS STAGE, the Computer Professionals Bill 2011 (CPB2011) MAY not include everyone - just programmers involved with Critical National Information Infrastructure(CNII)projects. This remains to be seen, until such time when the bill is described fully and in detail.

The danger of the Computer Professionals Bill 2011, in my opinion, is the fact that all those restrictions to programmers can be extended to anyone.

With the definition of CNII being a debated topic - some definitions put it encompassing the entire universe of IT fields - should one day CNII is defined as just that, 'everyone', it is a hanging sword which can come down at any moment.

I do not prescribe paranoia to anyone, but I am uneasy with such a bill hovering over anything. If it passes, it will mean that should things get too hot one day, the Government can choose not to amend the bill, but redefine CNII and include just about anything and everything.

I am not saying they will do it, because who knows who will be in power tomorrow or next year. I am just saying they CAN, and giving a loaded gun to someone watching my Jagger-like moves with only their non-visible promise of not pulling the trigger is hardly a good thing.

Right now, the bill is made to be as vague as it can be. As people hop from one foot to the other to decipher its meaning, the vagueness of the bill makes it what some have termed a 'blank cheque'.

I must say that we are not dealing with idiots here, but a system that has kept everyone in check for over 50 years. These are not simple politicians who look like buffoons, but extremely smart and brazen people.

While idiots annoy me, smart people make me worried.

Oh well. Time to masturbate.

A Twist in the Tale

I was surfing (with a keyboard) when I encountered this article.
Written by Lim Yung Hui, it points towards this part of the new CPB2011 bill:


(1)This Act applies throughout Malaysia.

(2) This Act applies to the Critical National Information Infrastructure(CNII).

(3)Every Registered Computing Practitioner,Registered Computing Professional and Registered Computing Services Provider shall be subject to this Act

Read the full second draft here.

A few questions have surfaced. Lim asserts that the act only applies to CNII:

So, with my minimal knowledge of legal / legislation matters, I would say this Act DOES NOT cover ALL Malaysian tech people (contrary to many assertions, including mine). Unless you’re developing mission-critical systems to support the Malaysian economy, defense, public health and safety, this Act is probably of no relevance to you. - Lim

Then again, there is that sentence above CNII - (1)This Act applies throughout Malaysia. So, is it all CNII projects throughout Malaysia, or simply all throughout Malaysia?

Which is it? I shall wait for some response or new developments on the matter.

And Then They Came for the Technopriests

A friend posted this as apparently, the Governmen is allegedly considering this act. And the technopriests are shouting bloody murder.

A few years ago, the paranoid Pak Lah Government tried to slap bloggers with a Mutant Registration Act.

They wanted to register us all and brand us with numbers and licenses similar to the Printing Presses and Publications Act (and the Jewish registration in WWII Germany) that would have severely curtailed our freedom of expression, speech and to write things like this x-rated poem in BM:

Sorong konek, tarik konek
Bijik kelentit dalam perahu
Suruh kongkek, saya kongkek
Puki mak kau memang berbulu

You know what I did when they tried to come for us? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. They will pry my backlit keyboard(s) from my cold, dead fingers. But before that drama, there would have been years, maybe decades of me taking my shit underground and attacking whatever form of governance that is erected. Just for fucks.

Now, the Government has realised that they cannot control alternative media or social media, so this act they are introducing I believe is aimed at controlling the technology that makes it an even-playing field. If they can't tell you to stop using the swing, they will take away the foundation of that swing and try to destroy it.

This bill, if passed, will PROBABLY not affect regular technopriests, aside from minor inconveniences of infringing their rights. However, it will serve as a means to control those whom the Government does not like.

For example, the technopriests at Malaysiakini, The Malaysian Insider, The Mole, hell, even Lim Kit Siang's blog may not be given accreditation and thus their sites will be deemed illegal.

It could also affect me.

For example, if I wanted to start a site about how Datuk Seri Rais Yatim is a douchebag (which he is clearly not)


or how Datuk Hishamuddin Hussein looks like an 'ikan baung' (he does NOT look like an 'ikan baung' or any variety of catfish),

CAPTION: This is not Hishamuddin, and neither is it an 'ikan baung'

CAPTION: The Real McCoy

the Government, through this bill, if they so choose, can use it to deem the activities of my site's programmer as illegal and therefore the site as illegal. And Google, who worships money, will probably succumb to Government pressure and block it, even if I host it overseas.

Apparently, they have never relented from trying to slap on the Mutant Registration Act on us, just trying it in different ways.

This is not a new idea. Several years ago, as I discarded my dreams of being a programmer to become a writer, several people wanted to band together and form an IT board and I was offered to join them. The intention, aside from obviously making money, was good. It was to protect and validate the IT profession as how engineers, lawyers and doctors have their own board thingies.

However, none of us ever envisioned something like that to be used as a means of control.

I will post updates on this issue as soon as I find any. I currently do not know when the bill is going to be tabled or if it has been tabled already.

All I can say is:

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Reality 2

What BN Politicians Think They Look Like:

What They REALLY Look Like:


What Opposition Politicians Think They Look Like, Concerning Phantom Voters:

What They REALLY Look Like:

I woke up in the middle of the night to do this? Fuck!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Masuk Bakul Angkat Lebih-Lebih

Sambal belacan aku, punyalah pedas, lepas makan DAN basuh tangan, kalau aku tampar Nicolas Cage, terus jadi Ghost Rider.

CAPTION: Nicolas Cage control macho lepas kena backhand aku

Aku terjaga tadi pasal rasa nak minum susu coklat. Patut dah tidur dah. Okaylah, aku tidur dulu.

Monday, December 5, 2011


Coming back from a hectic day at work, I put on the Neon Genesis Evangelion DVDs and watched the Rebuild of Evangelion - director Hideaki Anno and Studio Gainax's re-telling of the story of Eva - and realised very well that Evangelion was my first introduction to Judaism.

NGE had angels named in the Abrahamic tradition, trying to bond with either Adam or Lilith - an exclusively Jewish construct of the first woman. When they combine to initiate the Human Instrumentality Project, it is in the form of the Tree of Sefirot - the Jewish Tree of Life.

All this religious symbolism and signifying, while featuring this:


Yes, that is from an extended nude scene from a recent movie of the original cartoon series. So you have religious dogma being used as a basis for a giant robot cartoon, teenage sexual tension and naked cartoons - an explosive combination that sadly, for some, resulted in them purchasing this:

Nothing says "Freak!" louder than naked dolls on your desk.

Hideaki Anno also loaded the whole anime with psychoses. NGE was a psychological tour de force which fascinated me because I was studying psychology to show how smart I am. I was very insecure with my intelligence back then because everyone thought - thinks - I am stupid. Or gay. Or a Hindu. Quite unrelated, but these misconceptions are all I deal with every day.

I have since outgrown this childish insecurity by realising that everyone is stupid - or gay. Or Hindu - and accepting that fact with my Buddha powers.

Personally, I don't like the Evangelion robots. The very concept of very rare, special robots built for exactly one, 'chosen' pilot irks me. I prefer the Robotech mecha, which are mass-produced.

If everything is mass-produced and the same, then the only difference would be the man behind the machine.

This is why I like PCs. Completely customisable to your own specifications and how you want to use it. There is no predestination determined by one will, one way. Just free will.

I do not like Apple simply because their products make it so hard to exercise free will. There is no freedom in using their stuff. There is only one way - the Apple way. It is the vision of only one man. Or one team. And I find that just as disconcerting as listening to the wisdom of the crowd. I hate both absolute states.

What the fuck am I writing? Oh. Neon Genesis Evangelion. Nekkid cartoons. Judaism. Cool.

Gonna go sleep now. I've pretended enough that I am oh-so-smart and know what I'm talking about. The self-deprecating humour signifying that I am better than what I have written. Oooh. Depth.

Fuck it. Sleep.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Insecurities Commission: Politics of 'The Other'

In today's Insecurities Commission, we shall talk about group dynamics and the ego.

Many years ago, I was part of a team that was trying to raise RM20,000 for an orphanage. Our deadline was roughly a month.

It was both pain and pleasure as, a couple of weeks in, the more insecure members of the group started to point fingers at each other. A few people quit.

Then, the organisers or facilitators or the demon-priest Cenobites decided to step in.

Cenobites: Explorers of pain and pleasure

They introduced us to another, similar group who would 'help' us. This triggered our collective ego, as most may have felt that we were considered not good enough to do the job, which was going rather well, actually, despite the drama.

I remarked to another member of the team at the time, that this was similar to a psychological experiment mentioned in Peter Gray's Psychology text book, the chapter on the Eagles vs the Rattlers, which I have on my bookshelf (and I am mentioning this to show how smart I am).

In the experiment, a group of kids at a summer camp were separated into two - the Eagles and the Rattlers. Both groups soon found identities and labels to latch on to as well as labels for the opposing team. The Eagles considered themselves superior and better coordinated than the 'disorganised' Rattlers. The Rattlers believe they are cool and condemn the Eagles as arrogant sticks in the mud.

The guy gave me a blank look, and as my own individual issue at the time was my unwillingness to step forward and kick up a fuss for no reason, I decided to keep my thoughts to myself.

Long story short, the team managed to pull off the 20K fundraising while the other team was busy doing their own project and that was that.

Eight years later today, I can't help but wonder if we had actually gone into the whole thing with a more positive and open attitude, could we have done better?

Imagine if we simply included the other team. We would have more bodies, more minds and ultimately more resources. The intention, the goal was to raise funds for a fucking orphanage, not demonstrate how big our penises or clitorises were. Are. Whatever.

I am constantly reminded of this project whenever I work with other teams or even other people. Hate, insecurities and fear bring with it the seeds of destruction and as the Lord of Destruction, I know all about it.

I was later thrust into production, where it is a hugely collaborative medium. I can't very well worry about what the props people are doing, or whether the costumes are correct or even if the actors are given proper motivation. Worrying about other people's responsibilities and work only meant I would lose sleep worrying about nothing. The others will do what they do, regardless.

The collective ego and group paranoia was demonstrated in Lost. The survivors of Oceanic Flight 815 literally encountered 'The Others' and both groups behaved like in classic psychology. Textbook psychology. The Eagles vs the Rattlers.

Ah, who cares? I'm a berserker, what do I know? BERSERKER BARRAGE!

Saturday, December 3, 2011

A Special Christmas Offer to Malaysian Politicians


Hey, Malaysian politicians!

Are you tired of being the butt of everyone's joke? Is your ego lashing out because it has grown small due to the stupid shit you say? Are you worried that you will lose in the next General Elections?

Fear not! Uncle Amir is here with a Special Christmas Offer!

For merely RM20 million, I will deliver 3 million voters in your favour. How? Why, through the MAGIC OF THE INTERNET!

I will hardcode a null backspace to my Java environment and then send a pre-fetch command to ALL computers in Malaysia, including pocket calculators and PS3s, even a TI-82.

Using the MIDI capabilities of the gadgets, I will then send a sequence of brain-altering hypnotic sub-dermal suggestions to the frontal lobe of these targets, making them either insecure about their faith (for YOU, PIS-M), believe one day they can actually get the mythical, mystical, total bullshit 'Malay rights' (UMNOPutras! Special Offer!), racists but pretend to be non-racists (DAP), or ALL OF THE ABOVE (PKR).

(MIC, MCA, Gerakan, whatever party Ku Li is in - no hope for you. Take the money and run to Australia. Parti Kita - who?)

This system will work on any human, dog, pig or monkey no matter how primitive or modern they are. They will all succumb to being irrational, emotional people who chant slogans and fist-pump because they have nothing better to do than waste other people's time.

Using this 'hacking technology', I will also 'hack Facebook' AND 'hack Google', by getting their source codes in a notepad and fiddling with their header and footer classes. Then I will funnel US$ 400 billion - almost the entire revenue for new media in the States last year or the year before - into your Cayman Islands/Israel/Swiss bank accounts.

If you order now, I will also make anyone have sex with you by also stimulating their medula oblongata with the relative minor of F Sharp.

Order now!

Here's my Maybank account number: 114487051142. Name: Amir Hafizi Mohamed Sood. Password: Password


Thursday, December 1, 2011

Desire Series: Ambition

Desire is poison. And it is so simply because we treat it that way.

Ambition is just another word meaning to desire something that isn't is. To resist the present. Only suffering can come from that.

When I first started my career, I had lots of desires. All egotistical. I thought they gave me the drive to strive further and reach higher, until I realise that ambition was simply holding me back.

It was only after I cast off my ambitions that I was free to achieve everything I ever conceived and more.

Some people try to use others' ambitions as a means of control. The carrot - a much more dangerous and sinister weapon than the stick.

What if carrots have no effect? What if you have neither desire nor ambition? Try it. You shed a lot of bullshit and you can finally do stuff you want to do.

I have seen many good people fall to desire, to ambition. Purely egotistical, it impeded their being so badly that they become husks, shadows. Goals are lost simply because desire must be fed with even more desire.

Ultimately, desire and ambition are neither bad nor good. They are simply elements and we who wield it are responsible. We are always responsible, for we lead these things, use them and then eventually blame them for everything.

I believe that we are all responsible for any state we are in because we chose to be in that state.

A lot of people fail to face themselves or their deeds, and their own responsibilities, because it is much easier to complain and to blame.

Accept this yoke, and be free.

The Creative Process

Coming back from a drink with one of my few friends who are equally exposed to radioactive science fiction growing up, I was going to write about the commedia dell'arte and its influence on modern day comic books, perhaps segueing into creating a comic book version of the commedia dell'arte, but I thought, no.

So I decided to write on how credit cards are evil, evil things as well as my own story getting out of debt. But, no.

So maybe I'd write about how politicians are stupid and how stupid works for you stupid people, but, then again, no.

So then I thought maybe I'd write about how epic my dump was and my high-fibre diet is creating really enjoyable dumps that are epic and should be turned into legendary hossanas, but, then, no.

And so on.