Friday, September 26, 2008

Tales from the Drunk Side: The Malay Male 10-Year Anniversary

Over the course of my 10-year stay in KL, I have met many wonderful, weird or wonderfully-weird characters who have helped me along the way.

This is their story. As my story is their story as well.

I came to KL in 1998. Previously, I had failed to use my Malayness to land a scholarship all my non-Malay friends were talking about.

I was grounded. Stuck in Malaysia. I had to choose my college through UPU.

I made my decison based on dress code. Universiti Malaya was the only university that allowed its matriculation students to wear whatever they want. As for the rest, they all had to wear ties and shirts.

I. Fucking. Hate. Dress codes.

I think it is stupid to wear ties unless you are properly air-conditioned in Malaysia. I did not know at the time that inside Malaysian buildings, temperatures are usually synchronised with the north pole.

So yeah, UM because they did not have a dress code. Fuck dress codes. Dress codes are for pussies. In the sense that all pussies must be clean-shaven.

I took computer science because it was the only technical course that had languages in it - programming languages. Blah blah blah.

So I graduated in 2003. By then, I have already made up my mind that I was going to be a writer. Everything else be damned. Fuck my degree. Fuck societal expectations. Fuck treating educational institutions as factories. Fuck you.

Well, actually, I originally planned to be a superhero. But that didn't work out.

So I tried to get Harper Collins to publish my book, which I have not written. I failed.

Depressed, I read interviews with my hero - Neil Gaiman. He said that he failed to publish his stories in his early 20s, so he went and became a journalist for eight years.

That's what I did. I had decided to emulate the steps taken by Neil Gaiman, to see what he saw.

So I found myself, trembling, in the cold office of the New Straits Times' Nuance. Not wearing a tie, of course, waiting for my story to be edited by the editor - Lee Siew Lian, apologising profusely for every mistake I made.

I had approached feature writing as fiction writing, just with facts. EKKKK!

I had yet to learn to suit my writing to the medium. What works in one medium may not work in another. Scratch that. May most definitely NOT work in another.

What works across the board, no matter what kind of writing or what you are doing, is simply common sense.

If you have common sense, you can do anything. Achieve anything.

So Siew edited my piece, and it came out as cover.

"You started writing with a cover," she said, drinking Ribena (which may contain no vitamin C, as it is shockingly 'revealed' recently). "Never go down from there."

A few months later, I was taken in by Zainal Alam Kadir, the-then entertainment editor for The Malay Mail.

He was in the midst of forming a rag-tag band of entertainment writers for the newspaper, after being recruited by Rocky.

There was a lot of drama. I nearly had a nervous breakdown once. Puked twice. Got kicked by Ian Wright in the ass for being an ass.

Went to the best hotels in South-East Asia. Saw the best, and the worst shows the arts scene had to offer. From pogo-jumping, masturbating Japanese dancers, to ad-hoc flag-bearers.

Alam paid for my passport. A loan which I only managed to pay a few months later.

Whenever the claims were a bit late, Rocky would offer to pay from his own wallet. Literally.

He'd get up from his chair, take out his wallet and say, "How much do we owe you?"

"No," I said. "The company owes me money. Not you."

I went to the National Press Club after they refurbished it - halogen lights and all, yo!

I met many old journo-types. They taught me one thing - journalists are weird.

They would tell stories of war, of sex, and blood and booze and crazy stories of holding up airplanes and an accident in Labuan and a man setting himself on fire.

Stories of saying "Fuck youlah Tan Sri, Fuck youlah Tan Sri!" right to the Tan Sri's face. Under the influence.

Tales of drinking and puking near Unilever. Bragging about how many stories they broke. How many covers. How during one day, their stories and their bylines would cover the paper from the front page, to the business section, to entertainment, to the sports section.

And Alam's journalistic principle that stuck, amongst others, "Today's frontpage is tomorrow's kertas belacan."

The bad, but exceptionally loud, singing on the worn karaoke machine.

Pek Wan - the Oracle. She was the IT woman who would fix misbehaving PCs and Macs simply by being in the room. Such is the power of the Oracle.

The fight. The romance. The camaraderie. The round square tables of NPC.

Ah, the stories, and the drinks.

I was looking forward to having stories of my own. To having a combover of my own, like Lim Chang Moh.

They were giants. They were legends.

I pay tribute to them. For I could never be what I will ever be, if it weren't for these idiots. For these rambunctious, braggart losers.

Oh well. Nothing lasts forever. I didn't get my chance to be as good and accomplished as those lifers. But hey, it was a fun ride.

I am now on a new course. Back to where I started. But with more than half a decade of experience observing how life is lived. Bravely, unashamedly, sometimes foolishly, but all the time real and raw.

And I am NOT sucking up cause I no longer work for them, or with them. And the reason I have omitted mentioning the current group of people I work with.

I'm going to be a superhero. Because there is no one else left.

In brightest day, in darkest night; No evil shall escape my sight. And all that jazz.

Am going back to Kuantan. Before I do so, I would like to wish all those people who made these 10 years fun and exciting, Selamat Hari Raya.



The Malay Male

p/s: and yeah, that's me.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Taip Pakai Blackberry

Chuck Pahlaniuk, si gay, pernah menulis, "Only when you have lost everything are you free to do anything."

Aku bencikan negara ni pasal aku tau apa yang negara ni boleh buat. Tapi tak buat.

Tupac pernah berkata, "I rap about how bad it is so that some day, some one might come and clean it up."

Aku memikul falsafah ini dalam hati, memikirkan bahawa tanggungjawab terletak pada bahu generasi berikutnya.

Jika aku mahukan tenaga alternatif, aku fikir yang aku perlu tunggu budak baru lahir buat.

Kalau aku mahukan negara ini berdiri atas kaki sendiri, berdaulat, mampu bersaing dengan robot keluaran negara lain, aku perlu buat filem yang akan membantu memberi inspirasi kepada bebudak sekolah.

Mungkin mereka akan buat 50 tahun lagi.

Sambil itu, Dr M, berumur lebih 80 tahun, meneruskan bakti dan jasanya mengubah negara.

Aku berasa lebih selamat dengan adanya orang seperti Dr M.

Dan aku musykil, selfishly, berapa banyak lagi yang mampu dia berikan. Dan berapa lama lagi dia mampu membanting tulang?

Aku fikir yang kalau aku inginkan apa-apa kemajuan, aku perlu buat sendiri.

Kalau nak diharapkan orang lain, sampai bila pun aku tulis kat blog aje.

Persetankan politik dan ahli politik. Pergi mampus sama mereka. Peduli taik aku?

Aku akan buat apa yang aku mampu. Pasal aku superhero. Aku akan heret negara ni ke abad ke-21, sama ada dia suka atau tidak.

Apa yang aku rugi? Kalau aku tak heret pun, aku masih macam ni jugak. Masih cool dan macho jugak.

Masih kacak dan sasa jugak.

Kalau aku gagal pun, sekurang-kurangnya aku dah buat apa yang boleh, dan tidak hanya duduk dan maki orang tak tentu pasal, perasan diri sendiri betul.

Untung sabut, timbul. Untung batu tenggelam. Aku masih tetap aku.

Tetap seksi.

(Taip pakai Blackberry)

The Future of BN


Major Arcana: The Fool

A few weeks ago, the Americans went to the Press Club.

They had a media specialist with them, a journalist for 25? 35? years who seemed to WANT to believe that everything is okay in Malaysia. Especially in regards to the media and whatever.

And there were enough people to tell them that everything IS okay. And that the problem is not with the system, but as always, with the people.

Well, a couple of weeks back, this country was teetering on social breakdown. Cooler heads prevailed and we did not see history repeating itself. But for a moment, there was a rumbling that could have sent the nation into chaos.

Not anarchy, which does not mean 'without order'. Just chaos. Blood on the streets chaos.

Thank God that didn't happen.

But for it to ALMOST happen, in whatever degree, for us to hear echoes from the past, for even the idea to be considered, it is stupid.

As always, it's just down to idiots doing stupid things.

Which is true. All the problems in the world were, are and will always be caused by idiots.

Idiots are a force of nature. They are a constant. Like gravity.

We can't change idiots. Education is NOT the answer. I have met PhD holders who are utterly and completely stupid. Masters degree holders in some fancy schmancy college who are total idiots.


And whenever a system is more important than the product, than the people, than addressing the idiots; then we have a problem.

We see this in companies. When beureaucracy and red-tape becomes an end. When upholding the system is more important than churning out a good quality can of soup, when forms are more important than output, then we do have a poblem.

What works in the States might not work here. What works in Indonesia might not work here.

We have different idiots. They come in all flavours.

And yet...what IS there to be done, than put a plastic face to the Americans or whoever else, and say, "Hey, man. There's nothing wrong here. Nope. Zip-a-dee-doo-daa!"

As Neil Gaiman wrote:

A fool may very well point to the emperor and say that he has no clothes on. But the emperor remains an emperor, and the fool remains a fool.

EDIT:Gua edit pakai blackberry

Peranti Perantis: Maruah dan Harga Diri (Atau Melayu Murah Jua)

Beberapa minggu yang lepas, aku membaca di dada akhbar dan menonton di kaca TV, beberapa orang ahli politik dituduh mengambil rasuah.

Like, duh?

Yang menarik minat aku ialah jumlah rasuah yang mereka kononnya ambil.

RM100,000 dan seks.

RM100,000 dan seks?

RM100,000 dan seks!

RM100,000 dan seks.


Untuk satu projek bernilai lebih RM100 juta. Apa yang si Melayu minta? 0.1%. Dan seks.

Betapa murahnya orang Melayu. Ko timbang pakai kati ke apa? Diskaun hari raya?

Semasa berurusan dengan ramai orang Melayu, aku terjumpa satu konsep yang lucu. Konsep 'maruah'.

Orang Melayu fikir mereka ada maruah.

Maruah apa kalau boleh dibeli dengan 0.1% dan seks? Maruah apa kalau boleh dibeli dengan RM200 di Kubang Pasu?

Bukan Melayu mudah lupa. Melayu murah jua.

Aku berasa lucu dan selalu aku anjingkan konsep ini. Malah, aku pernah menulis kepada seorang pelacur lelaki yang menyembah Tuhan Putih dan menuduhnya tiada maruah.

Bukan pasal apa. AKu tau dia mesti panas pasal dia fikir dia masih ada maruah selepas membelakangkan kawan, menadah lubang jubur kepada Tuhan Putih dan menghisap konek mereka.

Bagi kebanyakan orang Melayu, apa yang difikirkan orang lain amat penting bagi mereka.

Tuhan mereka bukan lagi Allah, atau Krishna atau Jesus. Tuhan mereka ialah orang lain.

CUba cakap kat Melayu, "Weh, jangan isap rokok masa bulan puasa, nanti Tuhan marah."

Melayu: Hahahaha! Kelakar la ko ni!

"Weh, jangan rogol anak kau, nanti Tuhan marah!"

Melayu: Best wooo...

Tapi, cuba kau cakap kat dia, "Weh, jangan rogol anak kau! Line tak clear! Makcik Bedah Mulut Jubur ada kat rumah sebelah!"

Melayu: Woish! Takut! Takut!

Tuhan mereka bukan lagi Allah, Krishna atau Jesus, tapi Makcik Bedah Mulut Jubur. Pergi la ko sembah Makcik Bedah Mulut Jubur tu puas-puas. Lepas tu kau kapirkan la orang. Kapir kanan, kapir kiri.

Sebagai satu konsep, maruah dan Orang Melayu memang tak boleh bercampur.

AKu juga memikirkan perspektif mereka terhadap nilai juga mempunyai masalah.

0.1%. DAN SEKS!

Bapak aku orang UMNO. Masa umur aku 21 tahun je, nama aku dah masuk senarai pengundi, dan dia siap buat kad UMNO untuk aku.

Yes, aku ialah seorang card-carrying UMNO member.

Sebagai orang UMNO yang berpengaruh, bapak aku sering ditawarkan wang ringgit untuk mengundi sesetengah ahli politik di peringkat Bahagian.

Diorang datang rumah aku, offer bapak aku RM2,000.

Kalau aku, aku dah kejar pakai lembing dah. Pukimak mak bapak ko! Nak rasuah pun, bagi la USD400 million.

Bapak aku cuma senyum, bagi diorang air - dia suka kopi segera atau Nescafe - kadang-kadang jemput diorang makan, lepas tu bercakap sampai ke malam.

Duit diorang kekal dalam sampul surat, dari mula sampai la masa nak blah.

Masa bapak aku jaga kooperasi sekolah, dia letak duit dia sendiri sebagai modal. RM20. Sebelas tahun kemudian, masa dia blah, ko-op sekolah ada RM2,000 lebih. Hasil 11 tahun jual pisau 10 sen, pemadam 20 sen, pensil warna 60 sen.

Kau tau apa sekolah buat? Diorang bantai pakai duit tu, makan kat hotel.

Inilah orang Melayu. Tau nak makan buffet, tipu claim, tipu elaun perjalanan, makan benda haram, makan babi, makan bak kut teh. Tu lah kerjanya.


Aku sungguh kecewa. Aku rasa macam nak buat rombongan untuk semua pekerja kerajaan ke Siam.

Pasal apa? Pasal aku nak tunjuk apa yang aku nampak.

Aku selalu pergi ke Siam, dan aku berlatih di bawah asuhan pelacur-pelacur Siam. Mereka membuka mata aku, yang seks - seks yang hebat - hanya bernilai RM50.

Isap konek berharga RM10.

Murah sangat ke Melayu sampai boleh dibeli dengan harga RM50 atau RM10?

Aku pernah jumpa pelacur yang kalau setakat Zhang Ziyi, kalau ada kat situ, aku lempang je, tolak ke tanah, ludah lepas tu pijak sampai mampus.

Melayu suka cakap pasal maruah.

Macam lelaki konek kecik yang suka cakap pasal konek-konek besar. Macam lelaki yang tak berani nak beromen di belakang bini dia, tapi berpura-pura sebagai playboy glocal.

Maruah Melayu ialah jenis maruah merentan, maruah hentak-hentak kaki, maruah hentak meja, maruah bodek dan maruah minta dipuja.

Maruah tikam belakang. Maruah Aku Ingin Dilihat Super (AIDS).

Inilah maruah Melayu.

Aku tak percaya konsep maruah. Aku akan jadi orang pertama yang cakap, aku takde maruah.

Pasal apa?

Pasal kalau maruah hanya bernilai 0.1% DAN SEKS, lebih baiklah aku takde maruah.

AKu lebih sukakan konsep integriti. AKu lihat integriti sebagai sesuatu yang bernilai.

Integriti ialah, kalau kau cakap, kau buat. Atau kau tak payah cakap pun. Kau buat je.

Apa-apa kejayaan kecil yang aku nikmati dalam hidup aku sekarang, walaupun aku takde kereta agung orang Melayu - Gen2 - ialah hasil aku menjaga integriti kerja aku.

Cuba fikir, kalau ada seorang billionaire, nak cari orang untuk jaga bisnes dia, kau fikir, adakah dia akan cari orang yang cakap serupa bikin (ada integriti) atau monyet/beruk/berukera dari Planet Zargus yang asyik mendabik dada, KONONNYA ada maruah, tapi duk:

1. Mudah dibeli dengan tipu claim, tipu elaun.
2. AMbik bekas girlpren/ahli keluarga siamang/member sekolah sendiri walaupun hancur dan tak boleh buat kerja dan tutup periuk nasi orang lain yang berkebolehan.
3. Tikam belakang orang.

Kalau aku ada bisness berbillion-billion, aku taknak bisnes aku dikawal oleh orang yang boleh dibeli dengan 0.1% DAN SEKS!

Baik aku bagi bisnes aku dekat pelacur Siam. Diorang ada integriti. Diorang profesional.

Dan akhirnya, diorang jauh lagi bermaruah.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008


Aku kena cirit-birit lagi! Penangan Pasar Ramadan KL yang dahlah tak best, taun pulak tu.

Butuh betul. Pagi tadi perut aku memulas. Lubang jubur juga adalah sumber kuasa, rupa-rupanya.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Hatiku Bukan Kristal

I dilahirkan di kilang. Orang kata, I orang Finland. Tapi I terjebak dengan sindiket seludup dan I entah macamana tercampak dekat sebuah kedai jual dvd di Bangsar.

Kedai tu jual dvd haram, tapi kat depan dia ada jual henpon macam I.

I tak rela, tapi nak buat macam mana? Dah nasib puki.

Satu hari, Amir datang dan beli I. Cash. Pasal dia macho dan tak suka credit card.

Tiga tahun I duduk dalam seluar dia. Selalu kepala kena hentak, tapi I tekad, redha, tabah.

Semalam, Amir bukak baju I lepas tu dia ambik segalanya dari I. I relakan saja.

Lepas tu, dia pukul I, macam biasa. Dia cakap, "Pukimak punya phone! Nak cakap pun kena hentak pantat dia dulu."

I tahu, I cacat. Tapi, wajarkah I diperlakukan sebegini rupa? Salahkah I?

Bukan I pinta lahir ke dunia. Bukan I pinta cacat begini.

Yang I tau, Amir dah ada 'awek' baru. Nama dia blackberry. Macam Saber Marionette J - Lime, Cherry dan Bloodberry. Cuma yang ni Blackberry.

Dia lebihkan blackberry dari I. In fact,(speaking tu) sekarang ni dia tengah pakai Blackberry tu la.

Main tekan-tekan punat. Masuk web lucah. I memang tak boleh buat semua benda tu! Punat I sikit je!

Blackberry dia tu sanggup buat apa saja. I tak boleh nak bertanding dengannya.

I takkan dapat rasa getaran bibir Amir, nafas harumnya atau hentakan padu maut raksasa Baltan dalam seluarnya.

I tak mau hidup lagi! Bunuhlah I!

Yang pasrah,

Nokia 6600

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Peranti Perantis

ALL-NEW on The Malay Male - Peranti Perantis.

Aku telah memulakan siri ini dengan artikel di bawah. Aku akan tambah bila aku ada mood dan masa.

Sekarang, kena sambung kerja.

Kehebatan Rocky (dan Pengurus-Pengurus Malaysia Yang Lain)

Di sini aku pamerkan pemerhatian aku (setakat ini) berkenaan sikap pengurusan yang hebat.

Circa 2004. Aku baru saja diterima bekerja sepenuh masa di The Malay Mail.

Aku tak reti mengampu dan satu-satunya cara untuk aku mengampu ialah dengan kerja macam orang gila.

Aku pernah menulis sampai enam cerita sehari, dua daripadanya untuk muka hadapan segmen hiburan. Artikel untuk bahagian hiburan biasanya lebih panjang dari artikel untuk berita biasa. Lebih banyak bunga untuk menampung buah-buahan yang terkandung dalamnya.

Biasanya, seorang wartawan hiburan akan menulis sedikit sahaja artikel, tetapi panjangnya melebihi 800 patah perkataan. Kualiti lebih dipentingkan dari kuantiti. Inilah sebabnya ada beberapa akhbar yang menetapka had untuk cerita yang boleh ditulis oleh mana-mana wartawan. Ada sampai 3 cerita sahaja seminggu.

Malang (dan mungkin nasib?) tidak berbau, editor yang menjaga bahagian hiburan The Malay Mail pada masa tersebut merupakan Zainal Alam Kadir, yang terlatih dengan semua disiplin suratkhabar, dari hiburan hingga ke jenayah dan juga laporan dagangan.

Dia menerapkan budaya semua artikel hiburan ditulis dengan kepantasan laporan berita.

Ini samalah macam ko suruh Usain Bolt lari marathon, tapi dengan pecutan acara 100 meter.

Alasannya, "Alah, jangan nak ngengada."

The Malay Mail juga sering kekurangan pekerja, jadi kami sering 'dipinjamkan' ke bahagian lain.

Hasilnya, aku mendapati diri aku sendiri bertanggungjawab untuk beberapa muka surat dalam The Malay Mail, setiap minggu. Dan aku bekerja 7 hari seminggu. Tanpa rehat.

Ada satu minggu, masa aku tulis 6 artikel panjang tu, aku balik rumah pukul 8 pagi lepas tu aku muntah darah.

Jadi, aku pun jumpa Rocky lepas kerja dengan niat untuk meminta dia mengurangkan beban kerja aku.

"Okay," dia kata. "What do you have to say?"

Aku pun terangkan bagaimana jadual aku tak membenarkan aku untuk berehat langsung, jadi aku pinta supaya sesetengah tanggungjawab aku dipindahkan ke orang lain.

"Okay, I am not against you training someone else to take over. But let's have a look at your schedule."

Selepas itu, dalam masa 5 minit, dia aturkan kembali jadual aku supaya aku hanya perlu bekerja 5 hari seminggu tanpa melepaskan mana-mana kerja yang aku buat sekarang.

Kemudian, aku ucapkan terima kasih dan pergi tunggu teksi untuk balik ke rumah.

Dalam teksi, aku menyumpah seranah.


Aku jumpa dia pasal aku taknak buat kerja. AKu nak lepaskan sesetengah mukasurat tu. Tapi dia bantai aturkan balik jadual aku.

Aku dah kena con!

Tapi nak call balik, aku dah segan. Melayu jugaklah aku ni, kadang-kadang. Lagipun, solution tu memang boleh dipakai.

Sejak hari itu, aku sering mengawasi bagaimana pengurus-pengurus seperti Rocky dan bos-bos lain menjalankan kerja mereka.

Aku percaya yang sesiapa yang mencapai tahap Pengurus Senior dan ke atas hebat dalam sesetengah skill atau bakat.

Ada yang menggunakan taktik cium buntut macam orang gila. Aku tak boleh pakai taktik tu pasal aku terlalu angkuh dan sombong. Ego aku besar.

Taktik melawan orang pun tak jalan untuk aku. Pasal walaupun aku boleh bunuh orang (secara figuratif), tapi apa hasilnya lepas tu? Aku sendiri yang kena buat kerja orang lain. Percayalah. Aku dah cuba.

Dan juga cabaran untuk bekerja dengan monyet. Ya rabbi. AKu boleh jadi gorilla, bila bekerja dengan monyet, tapi apa hasilnya? Pisang lenyek.

Ada seorang pengurus ni. Aku nampak dia selalu datang awal pagi. Pagi buta dah terpacak.

Jadi aku datang pejabat pukul 8 pagi. Dah ada dah! Pukimak betul.

Esoknya, tak puas hati, aku datang pukul 7 pagi. Dah ada jugak!

Dia ni tidur ke apa? Pakai hantu raya? Tanya si Melayu.

Cara paling berkesan menangani orang gila dan monyet juga aku perhatikan.

Semuanya common sense, tapi itulah yang jarang ada dalam diri banyak orang Malaysia.

Apabila ada satu kegagalan, seorang pengurus yang hebat tak akan marah-marah macam betina meroyan.

Dia akan marah, tapi fokus pada penyelesaian masalah. Pasal kalau dia berjaya buli orang untuk cakap dia betul pun, apa faedahnya?

Apa faedahnya kau diiktiraf betul kalau kompeni ko tergadai? Tak ke bodoh tu?

Approach yang penuh emosi 99% akan gagal. Orang pergi kerja pasal nak kerja. Kalau kau pergi kerja untuk berdrama, kau baik berdoa yang kau kerja sebagai pelakon drama.

Aku pernah jumpa seorang kat luar, yang mana apabila aku diperkenalkan kepadanya, dia terus jadi bitchy dan cuba buat aku react. Pasal apa? Mungkin pasal masa dia tunjuk tetek dia kat aku, aku pandang tempat lain. Beb, aku nak kerja la. Kalau aku nak tengok tetek, aku pergi Siam. Jauh lagi best dari tetek ko la.

Kalau aku mabuk ke, takpe la jugak. Ini tengah meeting la, pukimak.

Aku tak bereaksi pun atas kenyataan-kenyataan bodoh dia. Tapi aku pelik apasal dia jadi sungguh insecure dan cuba nak gaduh pada perjumpaan pertama pun. Dia sebenarnya cuba untuk membuat orang lain nampak bodoh pasal dia rasa diri dia sendiri bodoh. Baguslah kalau sedar diri sendiri bodoh.

Aku tak buat apa-apa pun. Last aku dengar, ada orang komplen pasal dia punya communication skill. Yelah, kalau dia asyik tunjuk bahasa isyarat tetek, bukan semua orang paham. Kalau bercakap dengan pondan?

Akan ada monyet-monyet yang akan cuba mengambil kesempatan dari kau. Suruh kau buat kerja dia (supaya dia boleh makan gaji haram). Taknak buat kerja supaya kau buat kerja dia.

Aku terkejut beruk apabila aku mendapati punyalah ramai monyet yang tanak buat kerja sendiri. Cakap diri sendiri Islam, nak masuk Syurga, pastu makan benda haram. Pukimak ko lah.

Aku tengok, untuk sesetengah orang macam Rocky, kalau ada orang yang tak buat kerja dia betul-betul, dia akan bagi jugak tanggungjawab kat mamat tu.

Aku dan orang lain pelik, pasal aku fikir, kalau mamat tu tak boleh buat kerja, tak payah la suruh dia buat kerja. Menyusahkan aje.

Aku berpendapat yang kalau orang lain buat kerja kau, itu benda paling hina dalam dunia.

Tapi kemudian aku terfikir:

1. Monyet mana ada konsep hina. Semua muka tak malu. Taknak buat kerja, nak suruh orang lain buat kerja dia. Asyik mengampu je lah kerja dia. Selagi dia tidak diberi tanggungjawab yang sepatutnya milik dia, lagi la dia suka.

2. Sampai bila monyet-monyet tu taknak belajar buat kerja? Aset paling penting untuk setiap kompeni ialah staf mereka. Kalau banyak monyet dari manusia, camana nak buat apa-apa? Kau akan bagi 20% pekerja, 80% tanggungjawab. Mana nak tercekau kalau camtu?

Jadi, dengan memberi monyet-monyet dan beruk-beruk kerja yang sepatutnya mereka lakukan, harapnya monyet dan beruk tu akan jadi manusia Cro-Magnon, dan belajar menggunakan api dan batu kawi.

Ada jugak pengurus-pengurus yang ada tabiat butuk. Macam penagih ampu. Sesetengah pengurus ada penyakit akan buat keputusan berdasarkan siapa ampu dia lebih. Siapa bodek dia. Siapa kipas bontot dia.

Aku pernah tengok kompeni lain yang mana mamat atau minah politik diberikan kepercayaan penuh walaupun ada bukti cukup yang mereka ni berhati busuk. Malah, taknak dengar atau siasat pun. Apasal? Pasal diorang bodek baik punya. Buat apa pun lepas.

Aku ingatkan, lepas filem-filem Malaysia tahun 80-an, takde lagi dah kejadian macam ni. Betapa naifnya aku.

Oh well. Macam tulah dunia ni. Buddha cakap, "Camtulah, brader!"

Ingatlah, wahai orang-orang Melayu. Janganlah jadi beruk. Jadilah orang. Lepaskan emosi, fokus kat kerja. Dan jangan biar monyet-monyet lain pengaruhi ko untuk jadi beruk jugak.

Sebab aku tulis ni mostly untuk orang Melayu, aku kenalah masuk disclaimer ini supaya ego mereka yang besar dan sensitif tak tercalar:

Ya, aku tau aku tak perfect lagi. Aku dalam perjalanan untuk mencapai Hikmat Kesempurnaan, dan aku menulis benda-benda ini agar dapat berkongsi serba sedikit pemerhatian dan maklumat yang aku ada. Sikit je pun. Jadi, janganlah rasa terancam atau terhina.

Tidak, aku tak cakap pasal ko. Banyak contoh ni aku ambik dari orang lain punya pengalaman jugak. Dan juga masa aku mula-mula kerja dulu dan pengalaman freelance. Jangan perasan, ya. Melainkan aku ada tulis nama ko kat sini. Tu memang ko lah.

Aku Syaitan

Aku rasa nasi ayam senalam letak dadah la. Lepas makan, aku terus pengsan.

Bangun je, blackberry aku dah habih charge. Aku jarang beli benda untuk diri sendiri. Jeans aku tahun 1995 pun aku simpan lagi.

Jadi akan jadi jakun la dengan menatang ni kejap.

Post ni aku nak test browser yang aku download je. Boleh tak masuk blogger, senang tak nak type?

Tu je.

Oh ya. Burit mak kau berlubang.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

The 6600: Finale

My old phone, the trusty Nokia 6600, the former favourite of the Lord of the Rings (politicians) is falling apart.

Every time I get or make a call, people can't hear me, until I slap the receiver end against a stone wall, desk or my own forehead a few times.

It's like an etch a sketch. And after 5 minutes of talktime, the phone would go dead. The battery's gone flat.

Has gone for repairs twice. I was keeping it cause I have over 2000 phone numbers stored inside. And the storage capacity is less than half full.

So yeaterday, bored with slamming the phone on my forehead whenever I want to talk to someone, I decided to go and buy a Blackberry.

I went to a Maxis Center, asked for the cheapest of the cheap - a Blackberry 8770G. It has no camera, no 3G and no memory cards.


1. If I want to take pictures, I'd buy an SLR. No crappy camera attached to a phone can ever take pics that would satisfy me.

2. If I wanted to make porn, I'd go for a Red Cam. Or at least a P2.

3. I do not believe in video phones. Video phones are stupid. Why would I want to show myself to idiots around the world? I'm not an attention-whore.

So yeah, if I could buy a 3G phone with cameras and actually scratch the electronic boards, taking out the 3G ICs and stuff, and break the cameras, and get like a 400-500 bucks discount, I would.

Anyway, a Blackberry 8770G is just right for me now. No frills, hardcore TOOL. Instead of a fucking fashion statement that is supposed to prop up my insecurities and ego.

So I went to a Maxis centre yesterday and told the promoter, I want to buy a bloody fucking Blackberry. One without cameras and no 3G.

She gave me a vacant look. Put a long story short, was very condescending all the way.

She asked for my IC. Which is stupid, cause I already gave my phone number and billing records.

I gave her my old one and she almost yelled at me.

"CANNOT! Your old IC cannot use anymore."

"So, are you telling me I cannot buy this product from you?"

That shook her up.

"Oh, can, can."

I gave her my credit cards and she also ALMOST threw them back at me.


There was no need to get emotional. If I can't pay by card, I'll go cash.

So I said, okay, I'll pay you cash. I asked where the nearest ATM was and she

I went downstairs to withdraw some cash, and got a call from the promoter.

"Do you know where it is?"

"I got the directions. Two floors down, near Baskin Robbins, right? 31 flavours and that shit."


"Nevermind. I'll find it."

"Get back here, there is a closer ATM."

So I went back to the Maxis center's level, and the girl was NOT THERE.

It was 6.15PM and I promised some Muslims that I would take them to dinner, so I told them I can't wait any longer, and I really DO NOT WANT to give my money to idiots. So. Fuck off and die.

I left.

Today, I went to KLCC, and was amazed with the excellent customer service at the Maxis Center.

I was greeted with a smile, the staff were very helpful and the guy who handled my shit even threw in a SIM-card upgrade free of charge. They even waited while I went to the ATM and withdrew the money. As a rule, I don't carry much cash around.

They made some attempts at small-talk, but were not obtrusive at all. And they DID NOT ask for my IC.

Point of sales service is VERY important. If you have idiots there who are rude, stupid, don't know their own products, condescending and probably racist, you'd lose even a schmuck of a customer like me.

I mean, I was at the first Maxis Center, ready to pay. The promoter did not have to sell the damn thing to me. I already know what it can do, the charges involved and whatever shit. I just went there to give them money, and they still managed to ruin that deal. For them.

The KLCC Maxis Center, though, is a sterling example of how it should be done. professional, quick and polite. I left there wishing I could tip the guy.

I don't ask for much, seeing that this IS Malaysia. I did not ask for the free upgrade or for the discount, but that's just some good shit there, man.

So yeah, I'm typing part of this on the Blackberry I got from the Maxis Center. There are still some settings I need to figure out, and I will do so myself, with the help of a friend. For example, most of the numbers I saved for the past two years are in my old phone, not in the SIM card. And I need to transfer that.

And I got loads to do. Will probably be bleary-eyed tomorrow as I rush through a few things. My schedule has been VERY hectic as Hari Raya comes near.

But with the functions of the Blackberry, I feel like an Internet He-Man. No wonder Rocky blogs like a motherfucker.

Howto Tootsies: The Lord of the Rings

It is easy for you to identify politicians in this country.

The ones in power would all be wearing white shirts, navy-blue pants, wielding a Nokia Communicator, drives a Toyota Harrier and sporting multiple rings on their fingers - a few given to them by bomohs and other witch-doctors.

I call them - The Lord of the Rings. They are the reason this country is not ready for the fall of the American giants. They are responsible, either through action or inaction, for racism.

And for you and me to be poor.

Dear Hobbits! In order to save the country from cockroaches, we must throw the rings, attached to the fingers, attached to the men, into the fires of Mount Doom.

Fly, you fools!

Friday, September 19, 2008

Baroque Noir

Canta per me addio
Quel dolce suono
De' passati giorni
Mi sempre rammenta

La vita dell'amore
Dilette del cor mio
O felice, tu anima mia
Canta adagio...

Tempra la cetra e canta
Il inno di morte
A noi si schiude il ciel
Volano al raggio

La vita dell'amore
Dilette del cor mio
O felice, tu anima mia
Canta addio...

La vita dell'amore
O dilette del cor mio

For when I die...

Mighty Morphin' Malayan Rangers: Death of a Statesman

Rubber Ridley was relaxing in his hothouse when suddenly, the Rubber Signal flashed across the night skies.

Rubber Ridley: It's the rubber signal, let's go!

RR: Atomic batteries full power, turbines full speed!


Meanwhile, at the Palace of Justice...

Racialist: I'm racist, nyeeee!!! I mean..racialist...nyeee!

Sir Henry Gurney: Ahhh! Racism! And bullets! My only two weaknesses! How did he find out?

Anthony Burgess: Magic...gone.

Sir Gerald Templer: Blast! My plant-powers do not work here, so far away from my park. Briggs! Do you have a plan?

Briggs: I ALWAYS have a plan. I called Rubber Ridley!

A shadow descends on the skylight. Rubber Ridley crashes onto the scene.

RR: Never fear, citizen! Rubber Ridley is here! Gurney - you're shot! Do you need ... a Gurney? Hehehe.

Sir Henry Gurney: Ridley! Quickly! My Discipline Cane Skills do not work here. All hope rests on you! Stop...the Racialist!

Racialist: Nyeh Nyeh Nyeh...

Ridley: A live Racialist! I thought the word never existed except as a corruption of the word racist.

Sir Gerald Templer: That's it, Ridley! A racialist is a corrupted racist!

Ridley: Remember, kids, racism is our enemy. I can't stand two things in this world - people who won't allow freedom of speech and freedom of thought, no matter how despicable those sentiments are to me - and racists. Racists suck!

Ridley: Suck this, racialist!

Rubber Ridley has the power to elongate any part of his body. He socks a punch or two.


Racialist: AHHH! I would have gotten away with everything...if it we'ren't for you meddlin' Malayan Rangers!

Ridley: Gurney! You're losing a lot of blood, old boy!

SHG: Please...stop it...with...the lame...British accents and quirks.

Ridley: ...right...cheerio!

SHG: I'm...dying...there's no...hope for me...anymore. Send...the...message...loud and clear.

Ridley: What? Racism is bad? Everyone knows that.

SHG: No! The...message...always...always...brush before going to bed...

There you have it, true believers! Racism is bad! And...always brush before you go to bed.

Or after going down on the missus.

Malaysian Superheroes: Rubber Ridley

For those of you who went to school, you guys must remember HN Ridley.

He was that crazy 'mat salleh' who told everyone who would listen, that natural rubber is the future for Malaysia.

He went about, carrying 'biji getah' in his pockets and told the colonists that rubber is the future.

He even made popular the 'herring bone technique' of tapping rubber. Before that, rubber sap was harvested by simply wounding the tree with a machete - 'kaedah takik'.

For his ideas, the people called him Mad Ridley or Rubber Ridley.

Years later, I had an inkling as to how this man - one of Malaysia's first superheroes - might have felt.

I have begun meeting people at night - well after office hours, mind you - trying to convince them that certain technologies are the future.

What is today exotic will be the norm tomorrow.

If someone had told me, in 1993, as I lined up to a payphone to call my parents every Saturday night(was in a boarding school), that one day almost everyone in Malaysia would have phones as small as cigarette packs, I would have told them to stop smoking whatever it is they're smoking.

If I had any idea that processors could be made of prisms, fibre optics and photons, I would not have pressed my father to purchase a Pentium-S CPU at 133Mhz.

The future WAS today. The future WILL BE tomorrow. The future is now.

And they will call me Mad. They will call me Rubber. That sounds kinky. Yeah.

I envision a nation, a whole world, governed by scientists. By logic. By science. Not by emotion, but by pure common sense.

Maybe one day, there would be no concept of money. Of rank and hierarchy and of race. People work to better themselves, and to be of contribution to society.

Marxist, you say? No. Roddenberry-ist. Shatnerism. The society seen in Star Trek is my utopia.

Where replicators can change matter into energy and back into whatever matter you would wish. WIthout an explosion, of course.

Where holo-decks would fulfill any fantasy you would have. Or could ever have.

We now see these technologies today. At least, the grandfathers of these technologies.

There are now motion sensor hologram keyboards. The same technology for the Nintendo Wii will be as ubiquitous as a PS/2 or USB connection.

The laptop of the future could be the size of a telescopic pen.

Simply set it up, turn on the power, and hologram keyboards are coupled with hologram displays to make for a VERY lightweight computer. Data can be stored in crystals, which has more capacity than magnetic disks and tapes.

Thought-controlled robotic arms are in development in Japan and the States. One day, we might see exo-skeletons for paraplegics and quadriplegics. And say goodbye to getting MCs if you break your leg.

There are highways in the States that take control of your car so that it can regulate the speed and distance with each other and making sure everything is run as efficiently as possible.

Imagine making it on the LPT from KL to Kuantan in under 1 hour, at speeds of 200Km/h - 600 metres separating each car. The technology is already here. Today.

Tomorrow's technology would be solar-powered flying cars regulated by computers on stacks, following the routes of traditional highways. 16 stories of cars, bumper-to-bumper, 20 miles long, travelling at over 100km/h, managed by a box as big as a man.

Human genome research will allow the harvesting of body parts to prolong life to upwards of 170 years. Even though, with obesity, this current generation will be the first in human history to have a shorter lifespan than their parents.

With all this on the horizon, what the fuck are we doing? Nothing. Because we are scared? Because we are stupid?

Scared of what? Of science? Of reason? Of logic?

Never in human history have we had so many things under our control. Planes that fly itself. Farms that self-regulate. A fully-autonomous life. With us having nothing better to do, we get at each other's throats. Naturally.

Anyway, call me mad. Call me Rubber. It is not in you that I put my trust. People are idiots. But I have faith. In the future.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Waitin' Fer Mah Chikins

I got two URGENT shit I need to do tonight. URGENT-O-SOMA.

But before that, I need mah chikins!

Two friends are coming over with some fried chikins.

Only with the power of the chikins will I be able to start writing again.

The world might be preparing for hell outside of mah doors, but as long as I have me chikins, I will have no fear! I will not tremble before the eyes of yes-men.

I just want chikins.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Intermission: Machete Mix

I was preparing for a nap before continuing my work tonight when the phone rang.

Duty calls, bra. And I won't be able to do shit until I get this thing settled.

Now, I need to hop on a cab and go for something. I'll disappear for a few hours.

Today is not the best of days to do any sort of travelling. There are enough idiots who might start throwing Molotov cocktails and organize riots and shit.

I am debating whether or not to carry that machete I bought from Carrefour.

O Death! Where is Thy Sting?

Monday, September 15, 2008

Bumi Baru - Ulasan Buku 'A New Earth' oleh Eckhart Tolle

Sebelum aku sambung buat kerja aku semalam, aku nak membuat ulasan buku A New Earth karya Eckhart Tolle.

Aku tak pernah baca ulasan dalam Bahasa Melayu dan aku rasa rugi kalau tak dikongsi bersama. Memandangkan orang Melayu tak baca buku, dan kalau baca pun, buku politik atau novel picisan, aku rasa kalau dia translate pun buku ni, tak ramai yang baca.

Aku ternampak buku ni dalam Oprah Winfrey Show. Ya, aku sering menonton Oprah. Sejak membacanya, aku kerap memberikan buku ini sebagai hadiah untuk kawan-kawan.

Secara dasarnya, A New Earth mendedahkan bagaimana manusia selama ini dibelenggu ego yang menjadi punca hampir semua kesengsaraan.

Budaya aku, kami, kitorang, awak, engkau. Ini semua ego.

Mari kita ambil contoh paling mudah - keinginan untuk diiktiraf sebagai berada di pihak yang benar.

"Aku sokong pembangkang, jadi aku betul." "Aku tak makan babi, jadi aku betul. Orang lain semua salah." "Eleh, mamat tu cakap macam tu kat aku. Dia? Sama je!"

Ego ialah sebahagian diri kita yang menginginkan 'lebih' dari orang. Lebih kaya. Lebih kurus. Lebih berjaya. Lebih pandai. Lebih BETUL. Lebih terseksa. Dan macam-macam lebih lagi.

Biasanya, ini semua dikaitkan dengan emosi. Bila ada perasaan sahaja yang disekalikan dengan mana-mana pemikiran ini, maka ianya berasal dari ego.

Sering dicelarukan dengan fakta.


Fakta: AKU ada seribu. Ali ada seratus. AKU ada 900 lebih dari Ali.

Ego: Aku lagi kaya dari ALi,siut. Bestnya akuuuuu. Mulianya akuuuuuu.


Fakta: Ada dua orang yang nak hisap konek AKU. Ada seorang sahaja yang nak hisap konek dia.

Ego: AKU lagi lawa dari dia, siuttt. Bestnya akuuuuu. Mulianya akuuuuuu.


Fakta: AKU ada kereta Mercedes berharga 400K. Dia ada kereta Kancil, bayar 400 sebulan.

Ego: Dengan adanya kereta Mercedes ni, akulah manusia paling berjaya dalam dunia. Jenama Mercedes ini akan membuatkan semua orang memandang aku sebagai manusia paling mulia dalam dunia. AKu lebih bagus dari dia.

Fakta: AKU baca A New Earth/Tengok filem Batman/Beromen dengan perempuan itu. Dia tidak.

Ego: Aku jauh lebih dari dia. Akulah manusia paling best dalam dunia dan mereka-mereka hanyalah anjing kurap yang hidup atas ihsan aku.

Fakta: AKu sembahyang. Aku puasa. AKu naik haji (free, pasal ada orang bayar). Dia tidak.

Ego: Bestnya akuuuuu. Aku masuk syurga. Dia masuk neraka. AKu menang!

Cuba fikirkan - betul ke? Hehehehe.

Adakah pandangan orang, duit atau kereta Mercedes dapat membuatkan sesiapa menjadi lebih agung dan mulia?

Ambik contoh aku la senang. Aku sering dipuji dan juga dikeji. Apabila dipuji, adakah aku menjadi manusia yang lebih? Adakah aku menjadi hebat nak mampus pasal orang puji aku? Dengki dekat aku? Fikir aku hebat?

Dan apabila aku dikeji, adakah itu membuatkan aku menjadi hina?

Jika orang memikirkan aku betul, adakah itu menjadikan aku betul? Jika mereka fikir aku salah, adakah itu membuatkan aku salah?

Adakah pujian atau hinaan itu, setuju atau tidak, adakah ini menukar aku? Menambah atau mengurangkan aku dalam apa jua segi?

Untuk menjawab soalan ini, kita perlu lihat balik, siapakah aku?

A New Earth membezakan 'aku' yang terperangkap dalam emosi, yang menginginkan menjadi lebih - ego - dengan kesedaran tenang yang sebenarnya ialah diri yang hakiki.

Ego takkan hilang dengan hanya melawan ego. Sebaliknya, apabila kita melawan ego, ego menjadi lebih besar kerana apa yang diinginkan ego lebih dari segalanya ialah perhatian dan pengesahan kewujudan.

Cuma perhatikan diri anda yang terasa, yang terguris hati, yang tangkap leleh, yang nak bunuh diri, dan bezakannya dengan diri sendiri yang memerhati. Kesedaran itulah diri kita yang sebenarnya, bukan ego.

Ego dan Kesedaran tidak mampu wujud pada masa yang sama. Lebih banyak perhatian kepada kesedaran, lebih kecil ego.

Kata A New Earth.

Itu serba-sedikit falsampah A New Earth.

Kalau dari segi praktikalnya, ada tiga cerita dalam buku ini yang ingin aku kongsi:

1. Sami Zen bernama Hakuin.

Hakuin terkenal dengan kewarakannya.

Satu hari, dia dituduh berzina dengan anak jirannya yang bawah umur.

Apabila dia dituduh, dia hanya berkata, "Kembaaaaaaaang cipap aku mendengarnya.". Erm. Sebenarnya, dia caka, "Is that so?" atau "Iya ke?"

Reputasinya jahanam dan dia dipulaukan.

Apabila budak itu lahir, dia dipaksa menjaga bayi tersebut.

Kau tau apa dia kata?

"Kembaaaaaang cipap aku mendengarnya."

Dan dia jaga budak tu.

Lepas budak tu besar, perempuan tu mengaku yang sebenarnya bukan Hakuin yang romen dia, tapi ada seorang tukang kebun.

Bersusah-payah la mak bapak dia minta maaf kat Hakuin. Kau tau apa Hakuin cakap?

"Kembaaaaaang cipap aku mendengarnya."

Nah, ini contoh ekstrem, tapi prinsip yang diajar dari cerita ini ialah untuk tidak bereaksi tak tentu hala untuk apa-apa situasi atau kejadian.

Pada zaman muda aku, 90% masalah aku datang dari bereaksi dengan membuta tuli. Bukan dari keadaan. Keadaan itu sendiri neutral. Reaksi kita yang mendefinisikan segalanya.

Kalau kita boleh mengawal diri kita dari bereaksi, 90% masalah boleh diselesaikan.

"Kembaaaaaang cipap aku mendengarnya."

2. Mungkin?

Ada seorang Sami Zen menang loteri. AKu tak tau kenapa sami boleh main loteri. Tapi lantaklah.

Hadiahnya - Lamborghini Diablo bernilai USD2 juta.

Bila orang cakap kat dia, "Wah, menang loteri siut ko! Ko memang nasib baik!"

Dia cakap, "Mungkin?"

Lepas tu dia eksiden dalam Lambo tu. Patak tulang kaki. Kena pakai tongkat.

"Wah, nasib kau tak baik la!"

"Mungkin?" dia kata.

Duit tuntutan insurans sampai. USD40 juta. Dia beli kaki bionik lepas tu menang kat London Olympics, mengalahkan Usain Bolt.

"Wah, ko hebat la, boleh menukarkan nasib buruk kepada nasib baik! Fuuyooo!" Kata si Melayu, dengki.

"Mungkin?" kata Sami Zen tersebut.

Lihat, si Sami itu tak menghakimi apa yang terjadi kepadanya dan apa yanbg difikirkan orang kepadanya.

3. This, too, shall pass.

Ada seorang Raja Hindu, hartanya lebih besar dari Pergunungan Himalaya. Gundiknya 5 billion.

Tak ada apa yang ingin dicapainya dalam hidup.

Jadi, dia pergi berjumpa seorang pertapa.

Raja: Pertapa, aku dah takde apa nak buat dah dalam hidup. Boleh tak bagi aku rahsia kegembiraan? Nanti aku bayar ko la. USD400 billion ke, 1 trillion ke.

Pertapa: Apa yang aku boleh bagi kau lagi mahal dari apa yang kau mampu bayar. Tapi takpe, aku bagi sebagai hadiah je lah.

Raja: Orait, negro!

Si Pertapa blah dan kembali beberapa minggu kemudia, membawa sebuah kotak. Dipersembahkannya kepada Raja tadi.

Raja: Apahal lu mat?

Si Pertapa: Lu order ni kna? dah sampai.

Dalam kotak tersebut, ada sebentuk cincin. Pada cincin tersebut, ada ditulis perkataan omputih (jangan tanya aku macamana Sang Pertapa dan Raja tamadun Indus boleh ada Bahasa Inggeris sebelum terciptanya bahasa tu sendiri) - This, too, shall pass.

Maksud cerita ini ialah, tak kira apa, kebahagian, kesedihan, bini, gundik, duit, penyakit, SEMUA ini tidak kekal abadi. Semuanya akan mampus jugak satu hari nanti.

Jadi, bila kau dalam keadaan tertekan, mahupun dalam kegembiraan, relaks, terima saja bahawa ini ialah keadaan sekarang, ini ialah apa yang kau rasa sekarang, atau mungkin, apa yang ego kau rasa sekarang. Dan ini semua tak kekal. Cuma fana semata-mata.

Aku gunakan tiga cerita ini dalam kehidupan seharian aku. Bila Melayu-melayu cuba tikam aku dekat belakang, atau cuba nak bagi aku marah, aku pun cakap dalam hati, "Kembaaaaaang cipap aku mendengarnya."

Kalau aku diberitahu yang mamat ni atau minah tu tak suka atau suka aku, aku pun cakap, "Mungkin?"

Masa aku pressure, aku bagitau diri sendiri, This, too, shall pass.

Bila dah relaks, barulah boleh fokus pada kerja aku. Kalau tak, apa pun tak jalan. Ianya berkesan untuk aku.

Melayu juga harus tahu pasal keinginan untuk menjadi mangsa.

Menjadi BETUL, kemudian menjadi mangsa.

Kebanyakan Melayu, kerjanya nak menunjukkan kesalahan orang lain. Ini bukanlah buruk atau baik. Ini cuma ini.

Buddha cakap, 'Ta ta ta' yang kalau diterjemah bermaksud, "Camtulah, brader." The suchness of life.

Orang Melayu juga ingin menjadi mangsa.

Mereka rela dimangsakan dan mendabik dada, sambil berkata, akulah mangsa! Dengan bangga. Atau mereka cerita dalam kepala yang mana merekalah hero yang telah disalahkan.

Dalam 'cerita kepala' mereka ini, merekalah hero yang dipersalahkan dan satu hari nanti, mereka yang menyalahkannya akan menerima balasan. Mungkin di hari Akhirat, pasal SEMUA Melayu Islam, walaupun agama lain.

Meh, dengar 'cerita kepala' aku pulak:

Pada tahun 2012, aku ada kepak macam malaikat. Lepas tu, aku hantar Bumi ke Matahari. Masa tu, ada live telecast, dan SEMUA orang yang pernah memangsakan aku menangis-nangis, merengek-rengek minta belas kasihan.

Aku tolak sampai masuk matahari, lepas tu aku blah, pergi beromen dengan alien.

Pantang kalau ada orang lebih dari orang Melayu. Lebih-lebih lagi kalau Melayu sendiri. Perasaan hasad dengki orang Melayu, ego orang Melayu akan menarik orang itu ke dasar baldi yang berisi ketam.

Ta ta ta.


I spent the whole of last night smoking, doing work when I realized that I would need more information to finish anything. So I watched movies till morning.

Strangely enough, original DVDs now cost LESS than bootlegs.

Sure, you get the WishMaster and Uwe Boller duds, but sometimes, you find deals as well.

So far, I bought:

1. The Hours
2. Dark City
3. What's Eating Gilbert Grape
4. Donnie Brasco

All for RM9.90 each. 10 cents less than the cheapest pirated DVDs in Bangsar. And it's original, foo! Some are Academy Award winners!

I'll definitely ONLY buy the RM9.90 movies (and some RM15.90 ones), even if pirated discs go for as low as RM1 apiece.

I mean, 10 bucks is a fair price for a DVD.

Hell, RM20 is a fair price. If you are not a millionaire, like me - at least NOT YET - simply have a pact with some friends to have a joint DVD collection or some shit like that.

Mosques should be a community center that has all these things. I think since we have a lot of mosques, people should be able to use mosques as:

1. Meeting areas

- Have a book club? DVD club? Crochet class? Computer class? Cooking? Weaving? Reading? Therapy groups - do it at mosques.

- This will encourage the creation of such classes/groups and get more people to go to mosques, and hopefully, get them to stay off shit like raping daughters and stuff like that.

2. Have a notice board service.

- Just put a guy there and pay him say, RM500 a month for a day a week of work. Every Saturday, the fucker takes all notices displayed on the boards and try to make connections. He becomes a switchboard or some shit like that.

Some churches are very active in organising charity shit or drives or whatever the fuck.

Mosques USED to do those things. I saw it in a movie.

In Muhammad - Messenger of God, the mosque was a real community center.

But now, they become 'sarang penagih politik'. Religion has been politicised and the first thing they did was pee on all corners of the billion-kajillion mosques we have in the country.

Fuck that, man!

The Government is also so stupid to spend hundreds of millions if not billions, just so that PIS-M would have a base of operations. AND spend millions more on Balai Rayas to do something the mosques are SUPPOSED to do in the first place.

Now, I'm not the mosque-going type. I'm a hellbound. But if a mosque has internet connection, or at least a fucking wi-fi, I might stay for kiya-mulail? Kiyai-mulai? Ki-YAI!

The thing that needs to be done is to keep politics out. Anyone talking about politics should be shot on sound.

PIS-M Motherfucker: Partai Islam Se-Malaysia dengan ini -


PIS-MM: Erk!

UMNOPutra: Ye-yee-PIS-M kena tembak!


PKR Personality Cultist: Hahahaha! Pada muka UMNO!


Absolutely NO POLITICS.

We should have signs outside of mosques: DOGS AND POLITICIANS NOT ALLOWED.

And for God's sake, have a decent cafe or something. Maybe a Starbucks? Or, better yet, a rival, Islamic brand of Starbucks - Al-Khwarizmi-Buck. With a mermaid wearing purdah as the logo and all.

Drink Al-Khwarizmi-Buck! Arabica coffee beans! Halal! Halal!

And then tackle the markets of Middle-East nations. And ANY country with a truckload of Arab tourists MUST have Al-Khwarizmi-Buck. Helloooo Thailand!


Malaysia should really pay me USD400 million to give ideas.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Pengalaman I Sebagai Artis

An homage to John

I artis, tau.


Beberapa minggu yang lepas, manager I call I, cakap ada interbiu.

I: Tapi! I takde baju!

Manager: Just go lah! Kanina.

I: Apa?

Manager: Kaneshiro Takeshi! Lu muka macama Kaneshiro Takeshi, musti bulet juat munya.

I: Tapi! I taknak jual diri I! Lagipun, I Jack Black. Bukan Takeshi Kaneshiro. You sebagai manager I, mesti bawakkan I baju. Jaga imej I!

Manager: Ey? I'm not your manager la! I am the manager for my company. Go for the interview, it's your book, right?

Demi tugas, I pergi jua.

I tunggu sambil minum kopi. Tiba-tiba, datang seorang wartawan.

I: Ah! Papparazzi! No pictures, please!

Wartawan: Saya dari majalah Swastika.

I: Eh? I ingat you nak interview I pasal nilai sastera dalam buku I? The brains behind the beauty?

W: Tak, saya nak tau, ada tak pengalaman mistik yang menginsafkan encik?

I: Kaninabu chow chi bai.

I kecewa. I ditikam! Hati I remuk! I pun, call manager I.

I: Hello, manager!

Manager: What now?

I: You cakap kat I, interview ni untuk promosi produk I. Kenapa setkan dengan Swastika?

Manager: Why?

I: Aiyooo. You tau tak, Swastika punya angle macam mana? Itu terbang-terbang, tembak bola api punya mah! Itu "Manusia Gagak Muncul Lagi" punya story la.

Manager: Tapi...circulation dia tinggi.

I: Tau la. Tapi I nak cakap apa kat dia? Nak tipu dia ke? I mana ada story untuk angle dia, kecuali I tipu. You nak I tipu? I taknak buat! I bukan munafik! Munafik!

I pun berlari macam dalam filem Tamil, terus pergi ke event I yang seterusnya.

Event: Bercakap di Pusat Membeli Belah

I: Hello, semua! I nak nyanyikan single terbaru dari album I - Sabar Itu Separuh dari Iman (SISI). Album ini mengekalkan unsur-unsur lama untuk peminat lama, dan juga unsur-unsur baru untuk peminat baru.

Peminat: Yang mana satu? Muzik lama untuk peminat lama, atau muzik baru untuk peminat baru?

I: ...

Peminat: Takkan ada dua-dua? Jadi, ini muzik awak yang baru ke, muzik lama?

I: I tak tau, pasal ini apa yang manager I suruh I cakap. I artis, tau! You peminat jer!

Selepas persembahan setengah jam itu, I pun balik, sebab I penat. I artis, tau. Kerja I susah. Inilah nasib anak seni.

Itulah pengalaman I sebagai artis. Yang baik, dijadikan teladan, yang jahat, dijadikan sempadan. Demi mencapai Wawasan 2020.


Friday, September 12, 2008

Turning the Tables: Politicians as a Minority

Thank God, politicians are a minority group in Malaysia.

Unfortunately, they control so many things. They choke and strangle and influence people.

If you are a politician, no matter what party - Government or opposition - a de facto special status is afforded to you.

It is the not-so-new aristocracy.

This is no different than apartheid, when the minority white people ruled over the majority native Africans.

Whenever a minority rules over the majority, we will have an Apartheid-like situation. Unfortunately for the world, Nelson Mandelas and gang are few and far between.

So anyway, politicians are a minority in this country. The benefits they enjoy and the substantial money they make in relation to the majority is an embarrassment.

For the good of the many, I propose that we ignore the politicians. Cut them off from the respect and adulation they have come to expect from stupid cows.

Do not react to their racist behaviours - from ALL sides.

Expect or enforce a non-violent equal distribution of wealth.

Ideas for Malaysia: Destroy Politicians

Sahur post, yo!

You know who should run this country? Scientists.

Not politicians.

You see, most career politicians (some, like Dr M, are a rarity. Especially these days) are people who have failed at everything else in life and need other people to look up to them, or for movie stars to look up to them from a kneeling position. So they join politics – one of the last places on earth where idiots win.

Our people then elect these failures in life into office, where they scam, bribe and embezzle their way into privatisation projects and cut ribbons in their free time.

Politicians are the lowest of the low. In fact, politicians are ranked between Chimpanzees and Bonobos. Which is an insult to chimpanzees and bonobos everywhere. If you’re reading this, I apologize, fellow primates. I know politicians are not reading, cause they have yet to master potty-training, much less spelling.

Most of the problems we face today are caused directly by politicians.

The roads are jammed? Who was the idiot who planned it that way? Blame the civil engineer? WRONG! It was the politician who approved of the project.

Cracked roads? Politicians’ fault. Maybe the sister-in-law needed a new BMW? High price of oil? Inflation? Politicians' fault. An economist would never have made such a stupid mistake in the first place. Only a politician would be stupid enough to hike the price of oil, and expect the prices of goods to go down.

A race riot? Politicians’ fault. If they had not schemed and fanned the fires of racism, we would all still be drinking together like in the 60s.

The Arabisation of Malaysia? The Islamic pretentiousness? The munafik factor? All politicians’ fault.

It is the politicians who are making money from the NEP. Not me. Not normal, everyday Malays and Bumiputras. Remember, [insert political party name here]Putra, not Bumiputra.

Hell, I'd like some of that money too. Never saw it, and will never see it.

Why? Cause of politicians.

If it's not the current lying idiots, it would be another. We, normal people, will NEVER see the money because politicians - I don't care from UMNO, MCA, MIC, DAP, PKR, PIS-M - will get the money.

They will give us nothing, and take from us, everything

Instead of rioting against each other, I call for peace amongst the races. We should all address our greatest and true nemesis - politicians.

We don't have to kill them. Killing is unnecessary as politicians will politicize any act of violence. Just like Anwar - one of the biggest politicians ever.

Simply reject politics.

Say to them, "Fuck you man, we will not be members of any party anymore. We will not support politicians, we will not support your agencies and your ministries. We will NEVER put anyone in office - any office or orifice."

In fact, fuck it. Stop listening or acknowledging anything to do with any party. Any race-based bullshit propaganda they are trying to pull - from ANY side - just cover your ears and say "lalalalalalalala". If you do listen to politicians, you are a racist. I'm sorry. You are a racialist.

Politicians are attention whores. They MUST look good to other people, or they will die.

Simply do not pay any attention to them, and they will eventually die.

By eliminating politicians from our daily lives, we will all be able to work together, without fear of the big bad NEP monster springing out from a bush and licking our bleeding vaginas.

There will be no more race-based politics because every normal, intelligent person knows that racism is bullshit and would not benefit anyone, in the end. Racism would only benefit politicians and fuck me if I'm going to let that happen.

There will be no more racism. An end to that bullshit. Is that not a noble goal to achieve?

Sidebar: Evidence of politicians' stupiditity and damages done to the country and the people of this country:

1. To an international news agency:

Politician: You-you-you-you-you-you-you-you-you-you-you-you-you.

2. About women:

Politician: Pretty women should not work, as they can find husbands. Let the fuglies slave away instead.

Meaning: Pretty women in Malaysia charge vagina rent and don't have to work. All women who are working are ugly.

Conclusion: Malaysia is a nation of prostitutes.

3. Politicians' quotes about the oil price hike:

Politician: If we REDUCE the price of oil, the price of goods will increase, like in Venezuela.

Meaning: If we INCREASE the price of oil, the price of goods will decrease.

Conclusion: Wow.

4. About bridges falling down:

Politician 1: Kalau hari-hari hujan, siapa salah? Tuhan salah!

Politician 2: By cancelling this bridge project, we will save money! How? By paying 500 million to the company that was supposed to do it as compensation.

Conclusion: God is responsible for giving politicians money.

5. About racism

Politician: We were genocided for centuries! By a ruthless, terrorist Islamic organisation! Taman Medan. Eh, no, sorry, Kg Medan? I'm confused and can't get my facts right!

Politician: If UMNO is weak, the Chinese will take advantage.

Politician: The Chinese are squatters! The White people - sitters! Choose your toilets!

Meaning: ALL acts of racism are done by politicians. Not by normal people. It is the politicians who are racist, not anyone else.

Conclusion: Destroy politicians.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Last Son of Pimpton

I ran out of energy. Energy level is close to depletion. Ragged from weeks, months of creative exercises.

I feel burnt-out, and Thailand is still closed.


In these times of trouble, I whipped out my last stash of Singha water - the final remaining power source from Pimpton - and held it aloft and said,



And my dick became the Mighty Battle-Cock.

And I became Pimp Masta G! The most powerful pimp in the universe!

Calm the Fuck Down, Bra!

As a half-Malay, half-Chinese and half-Orc (means I'm 150% kick-ass, motherfucker!), I am quite disturbed with the recent stupid developments about racism in this country.

That guy in Penang. What the fuck, man?

He could have said everything as facts, without the emotion. That's where the mistake was. The emotion. The emo. Goddamn emos.

Here's the thing. Fact:

1. The Chinese came to this country in what, the 1800s? The early 20th century? So what?

My grandfather came here from Guangdong/Guangzhou in 1917. He was one of the Ten Canton Tigers and shit. He whopped some East India Company ass back then.

Grandfather: Imma whoop yo ass, motherfucker!

WhiteGuy: Put 'em up, cause issa throwdown, broseph! Your southern style Kung Fu might be great, but my northern style Gun-Fu is better.

Grandfather: Let us fight, unite, and find out who's gonna get a can of whoop-ass opened for ya.

The blacks came to the States in the 1600s, methinks. Whatever. They went there as slaves. FACT.

No emotion. Just FACT.

So yeah, the Chinese came here as immigrants. So did the Indians. So did the Malays, at one point. Maybe during the ice age or some shit. Maybe post-Parameswara. Maybe before that. Who cares? And if you don't know who Parameswara is, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE CUNT-RY, FOO!

Granted, some racists would want to argue with some facts, but that just makes them look stupid.

The Chinese DID come here en masse at some point. So did the Indians, and also the Malays. Put whatever date to it. We all came here and shit.

So did the orang asli, man. What, you think they just sprouted out of the ground?

DNA research puts the first human as a black African woman some 3 million? 2 million? YEARS ago. A long time.

Then, mankind went and traveled, spread from Africa to Saudi Arabia, Afghanistan, branched off to Europe and then to India, China, South East Asia, Australia, Japan, Korea, and wherever shit.

In essence, we're all immigrants. Happy now?

Routes instead of Roots. Geddit?

The Malays got here first, sure, cause the Chinese and the Indians came later. FACT. No emotions. No hate. No love. Just FACT.

If the guy had stayed that course, it would have been fine. But then he had to go on and on and on. And be emo.

Honestly, I don't give a shit. What I AM worried about is if these racist sentiments from BOTH sides - cause there are sides now, motherfucker - may spark atrocities.

REAL genocide. Not some fake stupid racist Hindraf genocide. Not some PRETEND genocide. Not some "Hey, we wanna be Brits, y'all! So we can lord it over some of the non-Brits!" But some real-ass shit, homes!

So just calm the fuck down, bra!

Not while I'm still in the cunt-ry.

Ask yourself, what would Optimus Prime do?

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Imbas Kembali Kisah Dahulu

Aku tengah buat kerja sambil makan sahur. Ya, sahur, walaupun esok tak puasa.

Jadi aku pun nak berehat kejap dan mengimbas kembali kisah dahulu.

Pada bulan Ramadan tahun 1997, aku baru lepas habis SPM. Jadi, dari duduk saja kat rumah, aku membuat keputusan untuk jual kuih raya mak aku kat Pasar Besar Kuantan.

Sebelum tu, aku jual jagung bapak aku.

Aku ada dua orang sepupu yang berniaga di Pasar Besar Kuantan. Seorang jual sayur. Seorang lagi bukak kedai jahit.

Aku letak dua meja depan kedai jahit tu, dan susun kuih raya mak aku. Kemudian, datang perempuan pakai purdah - bini nombor empat ke hapa kejadah aku tak tau la - nak berniaga mini-cupcake dia.

Aku: Apa brand cupcake ni?

Perempuan Pakai Purdah: ???

Aku: Kek ni. Apa nama dia?

PPP: Kek Ayu.

Ugh. Jalan je lah.

Ada sorang makcik Tanjung Lumpur, dia jual dodol. Dodol paling hebat di dunia. Imbangan gula dan tepung pulut yang sempurna, kalau fresh, antara makanan yang paling aku suka. Tak terlalu manis, tekstur yang tepat dan rasa yang segar.

AKu harap Makcik Dodol Tanjung Lumpur tu tak mati lagi tahun ni.

Lepas tu, ada mamat Cina datang, offer kat aku untuk jual kek dia pulak. Marble cake. Ya, kek marmar. Hahahahaha.

Sebenarnya ialah kek mentega dengan corak kat atas. Yang besar RM4. Yang kecik, RM2.50. Kalau beli lima, aku kasi diskaun sikit.

Untungnya semua atas angin. Aku dapat 15-30% dari harga jualan. Jadi, kalau korang pergi beli kuih kat Pasar, jangan la memandai nak mintak diskaun 50%. Mana la boleh bagi, bahlul.

Contoh: seorang pelanggan aku.

Dia datang, jenis perempuan bertudung yang asyik tayang handset.

Perempuan Bertudung Asyik Tayang Handset: Ni kek ni berapa ni?

Aku: RM4 yang besar. RM2.50 yang kecik.

PBATH: Saya nak beli kek, nak bagi penyewa kat rumah sewa saya. Rumah sewa saya banyak. Ada 9.

Aku: Peduli taik aku.


AKu: Ha..pilihlah. Kak nak yang mana?

PBATH: Saya nak yang ada diskaun.

Aku: Diskaun? Berapa kak nak?


Aku: Kak beli 9, saya bagi satu kek free.

PBATH: Yang besar ke yang kecik?

Aku: Kak beli yang kecik, kecik la. Beli yang besar, besar la.

PBATH: Hmph! Mahal!

Aku: Pukimak mak bapak kau.

Dia round satu pasar, kemudian dia datang balik kat meja aku.

PBATH: Dapat satu free kan?

Aku: Ye la kak. Saya ni Melayu. Mana la reti berniaga. Kak ambik la kek free ni, pastu jolok la kat dalam lubang jubur taik akak.

Macam tu la aku berniaga setiap hari. Righteous nak mampus.

Aku naik bas ke pasar. Bas pukul 7 pagi. Bangun pukul 6 tu, brader.

Masa balik, aku naik bas pukul 6 petang, atau pukul 7. Setengah jam sampai rumah aku. Tiap-tiap hari. Sampai sebulan.

Sepupu aku pulak mengandung. Tengah bulan puasa, dia beranak. Anak ketujuh ke, keseratuslapanpuluh, aku pun tak sure. Pagi beranak, tengahari dah balik menjahit. Orang KL, sekali beranak, setahun tak bangun. Macam kena tembak.

Dua-tiga hari sebelum raya, Cina jual kek tu tak hantar kek dalam kotak dah. Dia main hantar atas tray yang diorang pakai untuk bakar kek tu. Kira straight from the oven la ni. Memang panas pun kek tu. Dan laku gila babi. 'Selling like hot cakes', kata omputih.

Aku kena pack sendiri dalam plastik dia. Sapa kata Cina rajin? Aku yang rajin. Mamat tu pemalas nak mampus.

Lepas tu, keluarga aku bawak kelongsong ketupat. Mak aku buat tapai - dua periuk besar. Kalau aku cakap periuk besar, bukan periuk besar orang KL. Ni periuk besar nak buat kenduri. Boleh kasi makan 2 ribu orang punya besar.

Sambil menjual makanan tu, ada ahli keluarga aku menganyam kelongsong ketupat kat belakang aku. Bawak daun kelapa sekali la.

Sehari sebelum raya, aku bukak kedai pukul 7 pagi. 15 minit lepas tu, SEMUA benda yang aku jual dah habis.

SEMUA. Dari Kek Ayu, kek marble, kuih raya mak aku, kelongsong ketupat, kerepek, dodol Tanjung Lumpur, tapai, kelongsong ketupat, SEMUA habis. Licin.

Sampaikan tak sempat nak anyam kelongsong ketupat, ada sorang mamat datang, beli DAUN KELAPA yang kitorang nak anyam tu.

"Takpelah, saya anyam sendiri kat rumah."

Aku rasa, kalau aku jual batu, batu pun diorang beli.

India dua orang yang berniaga rempah kat depan aku sengih je, pasal rempah diorang dah habis dua hari sebelum raya. Mamat con-man pura-pura Islamik tapi tak puasa kat sebelah aku pun berjaya menipu orang dengan ubat air gatalnya dengan jaya.

Mamat yang jual lemang kat tepi dah habis lemang, jual buluh la pulak. 50 sen sepuntung.

Orang yang datang ke Pasar Besar Kuantan, dua-tiga hari sebelum raya, ramainya macam ulat taik.

Hasilnya, aku dapat seribu lebih. Aku pakai duit tu pergi ambik lesen kereta.

Aku baru terfikir yang semua ni jadi 11 tahun lepas siut. Aku dah tua gamaknya.

Mythbuster: Root Canal,Yo!

Today, I went to the dentist for a root canal. AGAIN.

I did it last Saturday, but he needed to check up on me again today. Which was good, cause he didn't take ALL the nerve out.

The good thing is, I have discovered that root canals are NOT PAINFUL AT ALL. After two solid injections to the side gums and to the roof of your mouth, the dentist can basically drill two inches into your lower jaw, insert a barbed drill-bit, pull a few nerves, and you can jack off to porn all the while.

I still have to back a few times for some other treatments and finally for crowning, after Raya.

See, after the dentist drilled two inches into my lower jaw, he inserted some stuff into it. Looks and tastes like medicine. Then he covered it up for a while and gave me an antibiotics course. Flagyl and Ospamox again - which means antibiotics for both ends of the spectrum.

Which means I can't fast till I finish the course. Hahaha.

I also did bonding on my front teeth, and did scaling. Bonding is cool. It's basically a thing that you just put on your teeth and it will harden, becoming part of it.

There's also that cool thing the dentist did with the UV light, which strengthens some fillings when applied directly.

So remember, kids! Root canals don't hurt. If they do, your dentist is an asshat.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Nama Melayu Hebat

Nama je hebat. Orangnya...terpulang kepada mata yang empunya diri.

Selama lebih 10 tahun, nama aku di kalangan lelaki-lelaki Melayu Gay dan tidak gay ialah Ultraman.

Di sini, aku senaraikan nama-nama Melayu terhebat pernah aku jumpa. Dan jugak satu atau dua nama bukan Melayu:

1. Ahmad Mesingan

- Nama Betul. Ya. Nama IC. Ahmad Mesingan. Ada kat Kuantan.
- Origin: Bapak dia komando.

2. Kerbau anak Sungkir

- Coursemate aku di UM. Dari Sarawak. Nama betul. Nama IC.
- Origin: bapak dia suka kerbau kot?

3. Panadol
- Nama samaran. Budak SDAR. Kot?
- Origin: Masa dia demam, dia asyik meracau, "Aku sakit...aku nak Panadol...aku nak Panadol...Panadol..."

4. Juborque, Jobo dan Jobong
- Nama samaran. Budak SDAR.
- Origin: Evolusi perkataan 'jubur'. Triumvirate senior yang...menakutkan.

5. Serangga
- Nama samaran. Budak UM.
- Origin: Dikatakan mukanya macam serangga.

6. Madonna
- Nama samaran. Budak SDAR.
- Origin: langsung tak macam Madonna.

7. Aw-Aw
- Nama samaran. Budak SDAR.
- Origin: ...kuasa...yang menakutkan.

8. Joe Jip, Joe Kancil dan Joe Jentolak - Team Knight Rider
- Nama samaran. Bebudak UM.
- Origin: Joe Jip pasal dia bawak Jeep. Joe Kancil pasal dia bawak Kancil (aka Joe Awek Satria, pasal awek dia bawak Satria). Joe Jentolak pasal...aku pun tak tau (aka Bukan Joe pasal nama dia takde Joe, Jo atau Ju pun dalam tu). APabila bergabung, mereka menjadi Team Knight Rider.

9. Mazli Babi
- Nama Betul dan samaran.
Origin: Bapak dia bela babi.

10. Che Mat Rimau, Che Mat Lembing dan Che Mat Dua Puluh Sen
- Nama Samaran. Orang kampung aku.
- Origin: Che Mat Rimau pasal dia macam rimau. Che Mat Lembing pasal dia pernah tinggal di Sungai Lembing. Che Mat Dua Puluh Sen pasal masa Hari PIBG, dia dermakan dua puluh sen sahaja dalam tabung Milo sekolah.

11. Pok Jab Ketua Kampung dan Pok Jab Pertanian
- Nama samaran. Orang kampung aku.
- Origin: Self-explanatory, kecuali Pok Jab Pertanian, yang pernah bekerja di Jabatan Pertanian.

12. Doraemon 1 dan 2
- Nama Samaran. Budak SDAR dan orang kampung aku.
- Origin: Budak SDAR tu pasal senior aku konfius dengan watak Nobita dalam komik dan animasi Doraemon. Orang kampung aku pasal nama asal dia Deraman.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Almanak Masakan Bumi dan Langit: Makanan Terlarang

Sepanjang aku sepuluh tahun di KL, aku pernah makan banyak jenis hidangan. Dicampur dengan masakan di Thailand - masakan Siam - dan jenis hidangan saduran di Singapura.

Antara banyak jenis hidangan yang pernah aku rasa, ada antaranya yang aku fikir patut masuk dalam kategori terlarang. Bukan haram. Terlarang.

1. Nasi Lemak Restoran Syed

- Pada tahun 2004, aku makan nasi lemak di Restoran Syed. Sepatutnya, Restoran Syed Maju, pasal semua restoran mamak ialah restoran maju.

Selepas makan Nasi Lemak Restoran Syed, aku terus pening. Aku dapat rasakan badan aku seperti telah meneguk sebotol ubat batuk Bernadryl atau 'industrial strength' Dynadryl.

Tenaga aku semuanya hilang dan aku semakin rasa macam nak pengsan.

Aku berjalan terhuyung-hayang dan dengan bersusah-payah, aku balik ke apartmen aku di Kerinchi.

Masuk saja dalam rumah, aku terus pengsan di ruang tamu. Lima ribu tahun aku pengsan. Bila aku bangun, dah pun zaman dinosaur balik. Bintang kutub utara bukan lagi Polaris, tetapi bintang lain.

Kenapa? Aku fikir, Nasi Lemak Restoran Syed ada menggunakan benih poppy dalam sambal. Takpun, minyak cannabis.

Tak ada bahan lain yang membolehkan aku tidur melampaui masa macam tu.

2. Bebola Daging Ketiak

Pada minggu lepas, aku menemani ahli keluarga aku makan di sebuah restoran makanan Lubnan. Lebanon, kata omputih.

Restoran mahal. Makan buffet. Jadi aku pilih beberapa jenis humus, roti, nasi basmati kambing dan beberapa bebola daging.

Sebaik meletakkan bebola daging dalam mulut aku, aku menyesal lahir ke dunia.

Pasal bebola daging dia rasa macam ketiak.

Maksud aku, bau yang memenuhi rongga hidung aku ialah bau ketiak tak letak deodorant. Aku tak tau sama ada orang Lubnan pakai ketiak lembu untuk buat bebola daging atau lembu-lembu kat Lubnan tak pakai deodorant. Tapi hasilnya sama - bebola daging perasa ketiak.

Terlarang sebab rasa macam ketiak tak basuh.

3. Makanan Singapura

Pada tahun 2004 lagi. Aku dihantar ke Singapura berulang kali oleh editor aku. Apasal? Saja kot.

Aku pun makan makanan di Singapura. Terpaksa.

Hasilnya? Tak ada satu pun aku boleh rekomen di sini. Ada Mee Goreng warna oren. Apahal warna oren? Gila ke apa?

Mee Singapura? Amende tu?

Nasi Goreng SIngapura? Banyak sangat minyak.

Nasi Ayam Pecah Perang? Rasa macam Nasi Itik.

Bak Kut Teh? Eh...hahaha.

Terlarang sebab tak best. Kalau nak diet, pergilah Singapura.

4. Nasi Goreng Lipas

Kalau kau pergi Bangkok, makanlah di KFC, pasal semua KFC kat Bangkok pakai ayam halal.

Kecewa, aku pergi makan nasi goreng di tepi jalan. Nasi goreng seafood. BEST NAK MAMPUS. Nasi di Siam boleh dimakan begitu saja. Tak macam beras Siam di Malaysia yang baunya seperti telah dicurah sebotol minyak wangi, nasi di Thailand harum dengan bau semulajadi.

Apabila dicampur dengan SUPER Aji-no-moto dan udang segar, nasi goreng di Bangkok merupakan nasi goreng terhebat di dunia.

Terlarang sebab lepas aku makan, beberapa ekor lipas join sekali. Lipas pun sukakan Nasi Goreng Siam!

Kalau nak bertahan dari serangan bom nuklear dari US atau Rusia mahupun Iran, makanlah seperti lipas di Bangkok. Makanlah Nasi Goreng Siam.

Makan nasi Goreng Siam, membesar kuat, sihat, dan tahan radiasi.

5. Makanan Siam Segera Gelombang Aura Biru Nila Tak Terbatas

Entah kenapa, ada satu 7-Eleven untuk setiap 100 meter di Bangkok dan Phuket.

Kelainan 7-Eleven Thailand ialah wujudnya makanan segera gelombang mikro. Dengan memanaskan paket makanan segera tersebut dalam ketuhar gelombang mikro selama 3 minit, kemudian 30 saat, maka pelanggan dapat makan apa saja dari wantan udang ke green curry chicken.

Tidak sama rasanya dengan kepercayaan makanan lambat, makanan segera ini masih mampu mengisi tengkolok dan tengkorak dengan keinginan untuk makan dengan banyak.

Terlarang sebab tak sihat.

6. Sayur-sayuran Cirit-birit

Beberapa minggu lepas, aku kena cirit-birit. Aku rasa lepas aku makan nasi goreng di kedai mamak yang sayurnya rasa pahit. Pahit mungkin sebab dia gunakan sayur tu untuk mop lantai.

Terlarang sebab boleh mengakibatkan cirit-birit.

7. Rendang Tok Hang

Selepas Hari Raya Aidilfitri 2006. Sunder ngengada nak makan makanan raya Melayu. Ko Chindian la, wei! Pergi la makan Cappati ke, tosai ke. Takpun Bak Kut Teh.

Tapi dia nak datang rumah aku untuk makan lemang.

Aku mana la boleh panggang lemang kat Pantai Hillpark. Kalau kat Kuantan, aku boleh tunjukkan teknik bakar lemang terulung!

Menggunakan tin minyak Cap Buruh yang dikerat menggunakan gunting besi, lemang direbus terlebih dahulu selama 6 jam sebelum dibakar selama 6 jam. Dengan ini, akan dapat lemang yang masak penuh, lembut di dalam dan mempunyai kerak yang nipis dan rangup, macam masakan Szechuan.

Tapi ini KL! Satu atau dua darjah sahaja atas dari Singapura.

Jadi aku beli lemang tepi jalan di Kerinchi. Sapu sekali semua rendang yang dia ada. Katanya rendang tok, tapi kepala hotak dia. Cuma dimasak selama 3 jam, rendang tok kepala atok hang macam tu?

Cakap je lah rendang ala-ala feeling-feeling.

Terlarang sebab dia tipu.

8. Cendawan Set Sarapan Alexis

Baru-baru ini, aku makan breakfast di Alexis Bangsar. Amat baru. Hehehe.

Terkejut beruk aku bila dia cakap Alexis menempatkan perokok di luar sebab amaran dari Kementerian Kesihatan untuk mengasingkan pelanggan tak merokok dan yang merokok.

Pelayan: Kami menempatkan perokok di luar sebab amaran dari Kementerian Kesihatan.

Aku: Racist! Racist! Oooh-oooh-oooh-aaah-aaaah-aaaaaah!

Takpe. Makan jelah.

Aku memilih set sarapan, memikirkan set ini sama tarafnya dengan set sarapan di La Bodega.

Jauh konek bapak kau dari puki mak kau.

Ya, ada roti bakar, tapi agak keras dan hangus. Ada tomato panggang, bukan tomato jemur (sun-dried tomato), baked beans yang agak okay, poached egg yang terlalu keras, sosej dan ham ayam Belanda, dan...kesalahan paling besar - cendawan panggang.

Cendawan panggang dia rasa macam rumah asap getah. Ya, aku dari kampung yang ada banyak pokok getah. AKu tau bau rumah asap getah macamana.

Tapi hidangan dia yang lain memang hebat. Set sarapan je kantoi.

Dan layanan yang terbaik di KL. Aku habis bateri, jadi diorang cajkan telefon aku. Servis yang mampu menitiskan air mata, pasal best. Jadi aku bagi tip bagus.

Tapi...set sarapan - FAIL.

9. Roti Tisu Air Mata

Semasa makan di sebuah restoran mamak, aku memesan roti tisu - sejenis variasi roti canai yang digoreng nipis dan rangup seperti kertas tisu goreng. Kadang-kadang ditambah gula dan marjerin.

Apa yang dia hantar? Roti canai biasa DAN tisu lap tangan. Rupa-rupanya, di sini, Roti Tisu dipanggil Roti KLCC. Mana senibina Islamiknya? Nampak macam piramid je, kalau orang mesir buat piramid bentuk kon.

Roti Tisu Air Mata sebab lepas dapat, aku terus menitiskan air mata.

Terlarang sebab nanti menitiskan air mata. Tak macho.

10. Roti Canai Plane

Ada satu restoran mamak berhampiran tempat aku tinggal sekarang, dalam menu ada Roti Canai Plane. Ya. Roti Canai Kapalterbang, atau Roti Canai Ketam Kayu!

Harganya pula berpatutan - 60 sen sahaja!

Memikirkan aku akan dapat roti origami berbentuk kapal terbang atau sekurang-kurangnya ketam kau, aku pun memesan hidangan ini.

Apa yang sampai sekali lagi mengecewakan - roti canai biasa! Mujur takde tisu tangan. Kalau tak, aku pasti menistiskan air mata lagi.

Terlarang sebab dia tipu. Takde kapalterbang pun?

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Al Felixta! Alarm! Alarm! Alert Generale! Alert Generale!

If you listen to conspiracy theorists and doomsayers long enough, you will come to the conclusion that, in time, the people in this country will have one of three options:

1. Leave the country
2. Take it up the ass like the bitches they are
3. Sierra Leone

Or maybe Rwanda.

And the victim-wannabes say, “Stay here! Or else, you’re a coward! A coward for not wanting to be a victim! For not sharing in this PAIIIIINNN! In this STUPIDITY!”

Oh well. Kembaaaaang cipap aku mendengarnya.

The next four years will determine what will happen in the next 40-50 years at least. Actually, every year will determine the next 10 years. Which means that 2000 determines what will happen from 2001-2010. 2001 determines what happens from 2002-2011.

The board is all set, the pieces falling together. We may see a gambit here and there, possibly even a castling or a check.

As for me, I have faith in the future. Not in people, because people are stupid. But in the future.

I believe migration has its purpose. Its role will be made clear and more important in the next few years.

When Rwanda fell to the nonsensical violence between the Hutus and the Tutsis, when Don Cheadle was saving everyone in Rwanda by handing out complimentary towels and mints, the remaining Rwandan refugees who were abandoned by the hypocritical Western world were saved mostly by migrants.

The people of Rwanda staying abroad and the foreign companies with ties to the Rwandans took them out of the country. They pressured their governments and got some out. As a result, Belgium will have Syariah law in their courts by 2012.

I believe that setting up possible refugee camps outside of Malaysia starting now would not be a bad idea.

The people who left as part of the current brain drain, if they still feel something – anything – for the country, have one of two choices:

1. hire mercenaries to forcefully instill order in Malaysia
2. open up refuge centers for people fleeing. Sanctuaries.

IF the shit ever comes down.

Of course, there are people who prefer to live in denial, comforted by the lies they tell themselves. And there are doomsayers who make mountains out of molehills.

Whatever it is, I would rather be wrong and get worked up for nothing, than see my father getting slashed by the Hutus.

Ball and Chain

And oh yeah, I forgot.

I will be caged and chained this month.

You will all be free from me telling you to do evil, evil stuff like think and shit like that.

So if you actually DO something nasty, it's all your fault.

So suck my dick.

Ramadan Wishes

May you all go to heaven and be proven right. And that the rest of the 500 billion or so left will rot in hell. Because they're WRONG.

May you fuck a billion-kajillion virgins who will never lose their hymens.

May you succeed in death, when you have failed in life.

Selamat Menyambut Bulan Puasa.

Oh. And. Merdeka.


Now fuck off and die.