Thursday, February 23, 2017

Not Minding What Happens

Somebody called me using an urgent tone today. She recounted her own dramas, and how she perceived she has fucked up something.

It immediately put my own fuck ups into stark contrast. As I listened, and began dispensing advice, I am also listening to myself.

"Your first enemy is your own mind," I told her. "Only we, ourselves, can create an enemy or a monster tough enough to take us down. Normal humans, they are not so powerful, or clever."

I meant every word. If there was a room full of myself, each one of us would know exactly how to fuck the other up. We would be in possession of all the buttons, history and would also know the exact timing to push what to get the desired result. And that is assuming that every copy of you has that same negative motivation.

In a room filled with random people, every single person is taking input, making observations and thinking all in relation of their own selves. Everyone is self-centered, therefore 99.999% of their time and brain-time is dedicated only on how these things make them feel, look to others or how they can benefit.

Humans are animals - neither good nor bad. They are always in fear and they always think about themselves. The methods may differ, whereas one would think about how people perceive him or her in terms of kindness, firmness, intelligence or grace, another might think how they could get some to react in ways more beneficial to him/her. It is all self-absorbed bullshit.

Even with different psychological make-ups - the ancient Greeks divide personalities into four, Jung postulates 12 archetypes - their final focus is always the self.

For most of the ignorant, unaware humans, they just want to be told they're special. This information is extremely powerful for manipulators - whom I hate.

You can fuck any girl in the world if you make her feel or think she's special. You can make anyone do anything if you are the button they can push to get that pellet that makes them feel special.

This is coercion. It is very powerful, dangerous and to me, dishonest and evil.

So the second thing is, people are not so focused on you. You don't matter - they do.

The third one is that imagining everyone else as a giant conspiracy to take you down is towards the self-harming part of paranoia. The truth is, that's what would happen if you are facing a room or a world full of you. Thankfully, we do not and everyone is not so organised.

"The secret to happiness," I said, "According to one of those gurus, is saying this - 'I do not mind what happens'."

This is being space. To allow life and the world to happen to you without judgment or baggage. It is extremely difficult, but if you could do it, it is the only way to function.

Not minding what happens brings with it calmness, a sense of purpose and extremely effective actions that are not laced with destructive emotion.

When you enter into a situation without expectations and without judgment, not minding what the facts that are soon to be revealed are and how things will unfold, you are setting yourself in a position to act effectively to anything that happens.

It would also not damage you emotionally or physically as it takes away a lot of stress.

I am glad my friend called me. That was exactly what I needed to hear as I slog through this mountain of work in front of me.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow?

He got a heart attack, that's what happened.

I used to live in the future. Always needing to be several steps ahead - or several years ahead - of everyone else.

I fancied myself a futurist and the depression and stress that comes with the self-afflicted temporal displacement were badges of honour. Scars that proved I am better than everyone else.

I was proud of my drive. It defined me from the rest. While others whined about how much work they had to do, I did literally six times their workload, and then piled on theirs on top of mine.

I longed to say to these lazy people this line, "Enjoy your salary this month - it's free."

I rose higher and higher, eventually reaching levels I never thought possible. And always, every step of the way, I was far ahead, flung to the future.

Here's how it looks like.

The future has infinite possibilities. To make sense of it all, I classify things, events and happenings into gradients. Basically, indefinite flowcharts with no boxes, just possibilities that has no borders. Instead, they are gradients, like colour.

Say, you want to start walking from A to B. Every decision you make will lead you to either falling down a flight of stairs (red) or get to B safely (indigo) if these are the only possibilities you want to acknowledge. Anything you do will lead you to these two extremes, or more often than not, it can be anything in between.

I=As I walk from A, I exist on A, between A and B as well as all the colours between red and indigo. And I prepare for each possible outcome, which are also gradients. I often thought this was what they meant when they say, "be all you can be."

I pushed too hard and like Icarus, I fell. I was really sick. I almost died. Then, slowly I recovered. I regained my footing and I let go of the old drive, replacing it with presence. For a while, I was truly happy. I was at peace because I didn't mind the future. I was calm and serene in the present.

Now. Well, now you have an idiot like Trump, who stands for stupidity, at the head of a country that might destroy the world, and here in Malaysia, we have idiots pushing for hudud. I am surrounded by stupidity and stupid people. The politicians are all stupid - on both sides - and taking all our money. How can people so stupid take all our money?

I'm not just talking about BN. I am also talking about DAP, PAS, PKR and Parti Bersatu.

I am beginning to ask myself - do I really want to live on this planet anymore? Nothing I do will ever save the world or anyone. I am not that important or powerful.

All possible futures point to decay.

Maybe I should start pushing until I stop or am stopped. Tick tock. Tick tock.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Kesejukan Sepandang Layang

Semalam aku tidur pukul 2 pagi. Hari ni aku bangun pukul 7.30am dan terus buat kerja. Rajinnya!

Aku amat busy sampai nak main game lumba kereta pun takde masa.

Bapak aku kat kampung, sebelum dia sakit, pernah marah aku pasal dia tak faham apa aku buat.

"Aku tau apa kau buat kat KL tu," dia cakap.

"Amende?" Aku tanya.

"You sit around everyday and you play with your computer. That's not the way!"

Aku tergelak masa tu. Rather unkindly. Bapak aku dunia dia, dunia typewriter dengan stencil yang jenama Robot tu. Pada 1996, memang dia ada beli PC daripada abang aku, tapi dia tak reti pakai sangat. Aku je terhegeh-hegeh sambung kat modem 14.4kbps untuk cari porn.

Bagi bapak aku, komputer ialah alat untuk main Solitaire atau Freecel. Mungkin dia fikir aku duduk berjam-jam depan PC, main game kad.

Sebenarnya, apa dia fikir tu tak salah sangat. Memang aku main game kad. Nama dia Hearthstone. Berjam-jam. Tapi bila aku ada masa lapang la. Aku jugak main game lumba kereta yang perlukan planning macam handle kompeni gak.

Mak aku bengang baru-baru ni sebab dia cuba korek apa benda aku buat kat KL ni tapi aku cakap kat dia aku menganggur. Takleh la dia nak gossip. Hahahaha. Walaupun aku tahu spy dia ada dok baca Twitter, Facebook, blog dan tengok Youtube videos aku. To that person, fuck you. Dumbass motherfucker.

Keluarga aku maybe suspect aku gay sebab aku suka buat lawak gay. Heh. Salah orang la wei. Aku tak gay. Yang gaynya, yang itu. Bukan hal aku.

Sekarang ni, aku tengah handle tiga kompeni aku sendiri. Takde satu pun yang berumur lebih 3 tahun. Maksudnya semua perlukan usaha lebih tanpa jaminan untung lagi.

Ada 6 judul komik yang aku terbabit sebelum April ni. Ada 3 projek jangka sederhana (6-8 bulan) dan satu projek ongoing.

Aku jugak ada personal projects. Passion projects yang mungkin takde duit pun.

Hari ni aku kena pergi print something - 200 mukasurat - dan kemudian pergi meeting untuk projek yang aku rasa aku kena tolak. Pastu kena balik rumah tunggu delivery pastu malam nanti kena keluar meeting lain.

Hari-hari aku keluar pagi/tengahari, kalau balik kang kena sambung buat kerja pulak. Balik tengah malam pun buat kerja gak.

Dalam masa 4 bulan ni, aku dah dua kali burnout. Aku dah cepat marah orang. Ini tanda-tanda besar aku kena pergi cuti. Jauhkan diri daripada KL dan keluarga.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Burning Man

I'm feeling the strain.

Been going out full-throttle on all fronts for the past six months. I am beginning to snap at people and losing my cool at whatever stupid thing I see. Even though there will always be stupid, meaningless things everywhere, all the time.

It's that time of the year, when I feel burnt out. Already scheduled a vacation soon. But can I survive these next few weeks?

My health has taken a back seat to chasing after stuff. I was already running four projects and two companies. Today, I started another initiative. All the while doing my taxes on all fronts, like a good adult.

The strain is real. But work doesn't kill you. Stress does. A doctor told me this. So it must be true.

When I work, it's like there is only one thing that exists and it is the goal, the objective. All else fades away as I allow the intensity to consume me.

I am well-suited to games that require min-maxing, but after a while, I'd grow tired. Spent. I treat life the same way. You go all out or you go to hell.

I guess it's time to shift into lower gear and cruise for a bit. I won't survive another six months of this. Some things will have to change.