He got a heart attack, that's what happened.
I used to live in the future. Always needing to be several steps ahead - or several years ahead - of everyone else.
I fancied myself a futurist and the depression and stress that comes with the self-afflicted temporal displacement were badges of honour. Scars that proved I am better than everyone else.
I was proud of my drive. It defined me from the rest. While others whined about how much work they had to do, I did literally six times their workload, and then piled on theirs on top of mine.
I longed to say to these lazy people this line, "Enjoy your salary this month - it's free."
I rose higher and higher, eventually reaching levels I never thought possible. And always, every step of the way, I was far ahead, flung to the future.
Here's how it looks like.
The future has infinite possibilities. To make sense of it all, I classify things, events and happenings into gradients. Basically, indefinite flowcharts with no boxes, just possibilities that has no borders. Instead, they are gradients, like colour.
Say, you want to start walking from A to B. Every decision you make will lead you to either falling down a flight of stairs (red) or get to B safely (indigo) if these are the only possibilities you want to acknowledge. Anything you do will lead you to these two extremes, or more often than not, it can be anything in between.
I=As I walk from A, I exist on A, between A and B as well as all the colours between red and indigo. And I prepare for each possible outcome, which are also gradients. I often thought this was what they meant when they say, "be all you can be."
I pushed too hard and like Icarus, I fell. I was really sick. I almost died. Then, slowly I recovered. I regained my footing and I let go of the old drive, replacing it with presence. For a while, I was truly happy. I was at peace because I didn't mind the future. I was calm and serene in the present.
Now. Well, now you have an idiot like Trump, who stands for stupidity, at the head of a country that might destroy the world, and here in Malaysia, we have idiots pushing for hudud. I am surrounded by stupidity and stupid people. The politicians are all stupid - on both sides - and taking all our money. How can people so stupid take all our money?
I'm not just talking about BN. I am also talking about DAP, PAS, PKR and Parti Bersatu.
I am beginning to ask myself - do I really want to live on this planet anymore? Nothing I do will ever save the world or anyone. I am not that important or powerful.
All possible futures point to decay.
Maybe I should start pushing until I stop or am stopped. Tick tock. Tick tock.
