Monday, October 31, 2011

Dumb Polarity and Transparent Roofs

Several weeks ago, somebody tried to explain to me the concept of fan-fiction.

"And if we don't like what happened in the series, we CHANGE them!"

I had to pick up my jaws from the centre of the earth.

The fact that some people consider fan-fiction to be a cool, hip new idea is as shocking as being electrocuted by all the lightnings that have ever hit earth, in my ass. The fact that they would think I wouldn't know what fan-fiction - and how lame it is - is doubly so.

Well, I shouldn't have been that shocked I get this from people. I believe that people generally think I'm stupid, because they keep on lying to me and doing as well as saying stupid things in front of me. I'm like a dumb magnet or something.

Anyway, last night, I dreamed I was back in Kuantan. To be more precise, I was in my front yard. Or on my front yard. Whatever.

So, I was standing there, and I noticed that on the power lines, there were these weird contraptions. And I knew, as we know for certain in dreams, that these things were put there by aliens. There was this impending dread of aliens.

The sky turned dark.

I went inside my house, and then the roof and ceiling became transparent and I saw these flying saucers with tentacles under them.

They began abducting humans through transparent roofs.

All this while, in my head, only one thought stood out amidst all this dread: "Huh. Flying saucers. That's a bit cliched, right?"

Ah, well. Hopefully, tonight I will dream of something more... pleasant.

Tales from the Drowsy Side: Words That We Couldn't Say

So I chugged down triple dose of cough medication. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

I was going to write about a lot of things - people, stupid people, idiots, dumb people - and then I realised that I don't really give a damn. I don't care about a lot of things.

Someone told me recently that a ridiculous amount of money was taken from Malaysia. The amount is so ridiculous, it is around twice the amount of US dollars currently in existence, in all forms.

Usually, I'd be intrigued by this, and do some research. Now, I just can't help but fall asleep.

Conspiracy theories bore me. Oprah Winfrey Show is gone. Lim Kit Siang and Lim Guan Eng are still, in my own personal opinion, racists who are not that smart.

These past few weeks, I have seen many examples of people who believe they are smart and highly-skilled who fail at basic bullshit. I was shocked. Well, not really.

You see, talentless hacks are insecure about themselves. This insecurity manifests as arrogance. I should know, for I am the master of arrogance. The Most Arrogant Man in Sports Entertainment!

And as a testament to my ego, I must say that I have the biggest ego in the universe. All your egos are humbled before mine as it's bigger than yours.

I hate populists. Populists are, in essence, approval-seekers who bow down to just any pressure. They worship popular opinion and are as easily manipulated as Play-Doh or that Malaysian equivalent Plasticine.

Back to my ego. My ego is so huge and enormous, it could crush you with its shadow.

And stop quoting Steve Jobs! You're not Steve Jobs. You don't look like Steve Jobs, you don't work like Steve Jobs, you don't think like Steve Jobs. Owning an iPhone does NOT make you Steve Jobs. It makes you Steve Jobs' bitch. It's fine to quote Steve Jobs during the first week after his death, not 200 years later. C'mon!

Quote The Woz or some shit.

"Open your books to chapter four." - The Woz.

Fuck Apple. Really. Apple sucks, and the battery life of the iPhone 4S is even more pathetic than the Bold Touch, which is quite pathetic.

You Apple Zealots can kiss my ass.

Apple makes the worst pieces of plastic garbage the world has ever seen. And slow computers.

Apple Zealots are the easiest targets in the world because:

1. They're ALL dumb

2. They are ALL insecure

Poke the Apple bastards, and they will surely react. Fucking Nazis.

Okay, time to sleep now.

Fuck you.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Intermissionary Position

I went out twice today and then entertained at home till 11pm. Then I finished a script breakdown, amidst ingesting a lot of cough medication that is making me drowsy.

All things considered, been a pretty productive day. I counselled a real-estate thing and then some marital problems. Answered some theological questions, watched 30 episodes of Transformers and got my Internet back.

I am so fucking great. That's just a fact.

I have gleaned a lot of information from my new job. I like it, and the office is very close to my house.

A project I turned down is getting some nasty reviews online. My heart goes out to the team involved.

Meanwhile, a personal project is looking good, and some stuff I was working on these past few months is finally going to see the light of day soon. Very soon.

All in all, I'm sitting pretty. And this sleepy buzz from the cough medication means I need to turn in soon.

Man, oh man. I am so fucking great.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Tales from the Drowsy Side

I just took three doses more than I should of Sodium... Benzoate? Sodium Citrate? That's cough syrup to you idiots.

Ugh. Idiots. Deliver me from idiots. But then again, thank tha Lord-ah! Praise tha Lord-ah! For idiots-ah!

My brain feels as if it's being massaged by kittens. Hehehehehehehe.

Been sick for three days now. Started with a sore throat on Saturday. Became a full fever on Sunday. I beat the fever by Monday, relying only on vitamin C, my body's own immune system, and three boxes of tissue paper.

I read about the flu germs - rhinoviruses - in a 1960s Reader's Digest article. Been reading medical journals since then (medical journals! I'm so fucking smart and shit!) and I must say that our treatment has not changed much.

Antibiotics kill bacteria, right? So it largely has little effect on viruses? That true? I forgot. And taking too much antibiotics is not good. That's why I largely rely on my own body - white blood cells, thymus, etc, to combat flu infection. But viruses have a limited lifespan anyway.

Treat the symptoms, I usually go for doubling my water intake and pumping up vegetable consumption. Always have food. Never forget food.

And I love taking cough medication. Wheeeeeee!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

The Truth

As the greatest human who ever lived, I am fucking bored with there being no fights right now between politicians.

Fuck, man, we pay these people BILLIONS to entertain us with their stupidity and now they just shut up.

Politicians are exactly the same as professional wrestlers and we the poor are supposed to say shit that show our righteous indignation at various bullshit. This is done so we could prance around and pretend to look good to other people. None of you fucking liberals do. You all look like douchebags, you fucking douchebags!

Everything, if we boil them down to its empirical essence, is just a story of how long can rich people rob us, rape us, molest our breasts, enslave us and fuck us over before the poor realises this and kill them all.

You think anything in this country is about race? We DO NOT have racism in Malaysia. The politicians wants us to fight with each other over race issues so they could take all our money. That's all. You think BN and PR are at odds with each other? NO!

They are all in cahoots, to take all our shit.

Thank God politicians are dumb, otherwise we would not even have the clothes on our backs as we go out tomorrow to work in the mines.

Fuck you, politicians. Fuck you, rich people. One day, the poor will rise, and they will kill and rape all of you. IN THE FACE!

Combine OK! Combine OK!

Learning to work in a team was one of the last things I was able to learn in the past five years. Was very difficult. Very very difficult.

I have problems letting go. Once I get into something or a project, I get obsessed, which ultimately is not good for the thing, the project, people connected to the thing/project or even to myself. Looks kinda nice when you slave over it, and sure would impress the hell out of everybody... and then I'd get hospitalised or swear blood vengeance on every member of the human race. Been there. Hated that.

I once followed a personal vendetta project for nine long fucking years. Some people asked me whether I was vindictive. I was not vindictive, I was vengeful. Nine long fucking years, man. And I won't get a second of it back.

I built my career on the thought that if other people didn't do their jobs or complete their part or share of the work, or just plain incompetent, then I would carry it myself, kicking and screaming into the 21st Century. I thought that was cool. It's not. It was dumb. And I got four hospital bills to prove it.

In journalism, I liked it, because most of the body of work comes from you sitting alone, with your information, notes and your thoughts and experience, and you let it rip. No idiots to ruin your shit, no stupid people yapping up and down with their silly, stupid dramas. Just you and a PC (FUCK Apple!).

Writing articles is fantastic because it allows me to work alone and also to contain my obsessive nature to only one thing at a time. It's like playing hot potato - a game I never played. Pretty soon, though, many other things come into play.

I was lucky enough after leaving my first job at my first paper, to land a position managing 21 people - thanks to those who know who they are. I was even luckier as it came around the time I got seriously into film production.

Production taught me one thing: while it is desirable that you perform well at your own work, and that individual excellence is often enough to establish yourself, to do something great (or if the project sucks, to do something on a greater scale), you have to work with a team.

Film is a collaborative medium. Actually, everything is a collaborative medium. Even after I finish writing this and upload it online, the form and soul of this article only takes shape within your own minds. Readers are the writers' greatest collaborators.

Yes, I figured out that I would have to allow people - most of them I already dismissed as total morons. Nothing personal, I just think everyone's stupid, except me - to be part of the process.

As always, I thought, "Okay, I'll give it a try." Which resulted in me having insomnia for three years as my brain charts everything that everyone in the projects could do wrong. This shrank my gigantic balls. For years, I was scared shitless.

Teamwork comes from trust, and trust comes from knowing people. Oh, I so loathed people. I still do. With their silly little minds and schemes they think so ingenious, but are always roughly equivalent to what the best kindergartener from my Tadika Kemas could muster. I hate people. And then I had to study them. Oh. GAWD.

It's very simple, really. Humans are driven by the ego. Money, power, sex, are all just ego. Feeling good about yourself is ego. Feeling superior is ego. Feeling part of something bigger is ego. Feeling guilty is ego, because it shows that you are a good person, with a conscience. Every single thing in this world was done for your ego.

I fucking hated it.

But what really touched me was when getting input and changes from some people actually made my work even better. I'll give you an example - in the film MySpy, Adlin Aman Ramlie and Mamat Khalid delivered their lines their way. It was a total improvement from my original script. Fantastic stuff, man. If I had any doubts, I must acknowledge that these two are perhaps the best scriptwriters in Malaysia. These guys really understand dialogue, story and comic timing.

These examples, as well as my time in the hospital after putting myself through hell, convinced me that I can't and shouldn't do everything on my own. Of course, idiots and morons are out of the question, but I believe if you allow people space and responsibility - freedom - within a large-scale project, it could work really well.

So I went on preaching freedom and gave it to a lot of people. The results vary, depending on what kind of people they are. One of my dreams have always been to create a system that would work even without me in it. Cause I don't want to be hospitalised for stress again.

The problem is that we are all different, with different goals and shit. The variety that keeps us strong also comes with it a fatal flaw - the incapability of duplication or standardisation. I loathe - I hate things that are 'organic'. Nebulous, ephemeral - hate, HATE, HATE!!!

I did not understand how or why some people could react so negatively to freedom until I read the comic book Kingdom Come by Alex Ross and Mark Waid. Orion was Darkseid's son. After killing his own father and liberating Apokalips, he established a democracy for the planet's denizens, to take them out of the cycle of violence and jungle law that defined Darkseid's rule.

The response? They basically re-instituted jungle law through democracy, electing the strongest of them to lead, which happens to be Orion. He had to go and have holograms teaching them to hate him, in order to continue instilling free will - the antithesis of Darkseid's era.

So, what have I learned? Individuals can make good things, but to achieve great things, it takes a whole bunch of individuals being excellent on their own and to each other.

Trust is the cornerstone of teamwork, and to achieve trust, you must understand people and people must understand you. Communication and information flow is vital. I have seen many projects - not mine - that failed simply because insecure people lie to each other and hide vital information from one another. I'm not talking about information like how many times you masturbate to Celine Dion, but vital work data. Pisses me off when I don't have data or inundated with inaccuracies.

Freedom is vital, but only to those who seek freedom. I believe masochists and people who do not want to take responsibility for their actions - preferring to blame everything on any number of factors and excuses - will only abuse, misuse and shit on freedom. People who do not understand gratitude and honesty, people with no souls, are a lost cause.

In the end, since I can't surmise everything into a neat little slogan, I guess I have yet to learn anything. I just like to wank.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Tales from the Drunk Side: Pre and Post

So, it always works. Preparation - eat first. Always eat first. Eat something made of butter or cheese.

Then, afterwards, always, always drink 1L of water. If you have it, take painkillers before going to sleep. Panadol will do. And yes, you dumbasses, Panadol is just a mild painkiller. It doesn't cure anything other than mild pain.

Aspirin, dilutes the blood and as such is a good first aid thing when the patient is having a coronary attack. Coronary cause it's the blockage caused by cholesterol.

Gawd damn, man. A lot of Malaysians don't know basic medicine. I always make sure the doctors who treat me explain EVERYTHING. Most of them are great - smart, compassionate people - but some doctors are dumber than the hairs on my ass.

I've met the best ENT specialist in Malaysia, some of the best plastic surgeons (don't ask), and extremely rich heart surgeons. I have sat down with multi-millionaire doctors who own private hospitals. The greatest and best doctors are filled with humility and their demeanour alone is humbling.

Some, though, are jackasses who believe in superstition, rude (I consider rude and racist people to be extremely stupid cause if I was racist, you'd never know until AFTER you and your entire race die out) and generally just dumb.

You cannot allow all responsibility for your life to lie in the hands of other people. It is best not to adopt a victim mentality. Everything that happens to you is because you chose that path. No one forced your hand. Take control and destroy, destroy, destroy. Because only through destruction can we move forward.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

A Lengthy Discourse on the Basic Principles of Comedy, With Particular Focus on the Lines Between Silliness and Stupidity

Look, in comedy, there's silly - excellent - and there's stupid. You cross the line, and you're not funny at all.

I was going to write a lengthy article, but fuck that. I'm going to bed. Fuck you.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Malaysia's New Sport Sensation

I have been getting a lot of telemarketer calls in recent years, and I got another one today.

I answered because I thought it could be news that my father is sick or something. The old man's not in perfect health these days.

Anyway, here's the conversation:

Bitch: Hello, may I speak to Mr Amir Hafizi please?

Me: Speaking.

B: Ah, sir, you have registered a few months ago, for a yachting club.

Me: No, I didn't.

B: How can that be? I have all your details here. You must have registered for the yachting club.

Me: Are you calling me a liar?

B: Wh-what? No, but you have registered with this yachting club.

Me: No, but ... I'm a liar? You're calling me a liar?

B: Sir, you have registered with this yachting club...

Me: No, I haven't and I'm not interested, especially after you've called me a liar.

B: Okay.

And then she hung up. I immediately felt bad. I felt really, really bad, because I could have instead have this conversation:

Bitch: Hello, may I speak to Mr Amir Hafizi please?

Me: Speaking.

B: Ah, sir, you have registered a few months ago, for a yachting club.

Me: Are you a telemarketer? And you have my details? Why don't you do me a favour and take a few steps back and RAM THE NEAREST FUCKING PHONE RECEIVER DOWN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH?!

B: S-Sir?

Me: You listen to me, and you listen to me carefully. I will hunt you down. I will find out where you live, and where your family lives, and I will fucking catch you, and I will SEW EACH OF YOUR MOUTHS TO EACH OTHER'S ASSHOLE, MAKING A HUMAN RING OF MOTHERFUCKING BULLSHIT!




B: Boo hoo hoooooooooo.... wwwwwwwwaaaaaaaiiiillllllll!

Mess with the best, die like the rest.

Ultimate Racism

Fuck all you pureblood motherfuckers. You know what is the superior race? Mixed race, that's what!

What's the best martial arts? Mixed martial arts! What's the best food? Mixed rice! Bam! Two rhetorical questions in a row, foo!

As the world's greatest detective and also the world's most powerful mind, I am a shining example of what interracial fucking can do for the species. I know all your schemes even before you execute them. And 10 steps in, you die, motherfucker!

I stopped playing chess at 9 because I whooped other people's ass so bad, their ancestors died.

I hate the very notion of race. I believe that as the greatest member of the species that will soon wipe out all purebloods from the face of the planet, I will make a few decrees:

1. All purebloods, as a rite of passage, will be made to suck my dick. While I'm pissing. Remember the taste of my bulbous dick. If you don't want your children to drink urine - high quality urine, go and fuck outside your race.

2. All purebloods will be branded with a 500 tonne hot iron, effectively ironing them out of the gene pool.

Interracial fucking is the way, and the only way. It is the act that will save mankind from extinction. So go on and fuck interracially, cause whatcho gonna do, when these pythons come down on you?


Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Rap Battles with Nobody

I just read the entire Malaysian budget

All I can say is we'd better bring back the midget

Daim Zainuddin, was not very tall

But he and Dr M, prevented the great big fall!

Dr M is no Chuck Norris

He shaved his beard clean

Cause he said ancient Arabs

Just wanted to look mean

Hishamuddin Hussein and Najib Tun Razak

Are related by marriage

But when that Frenchie lawyer got deported

Najib was yelling what the fuck?

"Dude, that's gonna make me look bad!"

"While my wife's in her pyjamas, playing with 24 million carats!"

Malaysia is a country where everything is sad.

Even the opposition is aping retarded monkeys

But we did have a tablet four years before iPad.

Monday, October 17, 2011

The People Vs Amir Hafizi

We interrupt our regular programme with some poetry

I'm calling Anwar Ibrahim out.

Yo Datuk Seri!

Out of the goddamn closet, and stop with the poutin'

Nobody cares which hole you're fuckin'

Ah, here comes Raja Petra to save the day

"I will die for my principles! Boo hoo hoo!"

Shut the fuck up, dude, you've been saying that since 2002.

And dude! There's nothing wrong with being gay! Let Anwar lead the charge for the right to have an all-male menage!

And you BN fucks in-fighting already,

As if you've won the whole fucking country, without even solving any issue like racism and poverty. As if Malaysia won't end up on News TV, for spraying chemical water on a fucking street party.

Well, fuck you too, bitch, call the cops! And the FRU and your moms and pops! I'll kill them too, motherfucker, and with my spare dick, I'll fuck your ugly daughter!

You liberals holding candlesticks, well you can suck my bulbous dick. Hippie this, hippie that, hey I can't help it if you want to have sex with your dad.

Sunday, October 16, 2011


A lot of TV people make the seriously flawed assumption that people really like their shows.

They like it enough to switch on the channel and religiously watch it, right?


The last show I religiously sat down to watch, like, in front of a TV, was Survivor. Week in, week out, I was there every Friday.

Nowadays, I have a TV set, but I have NEVER sat down in front of the TV in anticipation for any show on any timeslot, regularly. My nephews, the new Silent Generation? They watch ANY crap on Ceria and Playhouse Disney, regardless of what's on. They might be playing something and not watching the channel, but change it, and they wail like I just dismembered their arms. That's why I constantly change channels anyway, to get that reaction.

I go to people's homes, and they put on shit on TV as some sort of comforting background noise, or to establish their 'personalities'. TV shows are personality enhancers, not entertainment.

The age of dedicated Malaysian TV viewers is at a decline, as soon as we have constant repeats and high-speed Internet. Not saying it's gone, just at a decline.

You'd think that people watch shows on primetime, right? Let me ask you - what do most Malaysian households do during primetime?

Chinese families generally - and I am being racist here - sit down to have dinner around 7pm. Malay families around 8 or 9pm. Dinner lasts around an hour or so. After dinner, poor Malays go and fuck. Chinese families? I dunno.

During this time, the TV is usually on. What channel? What show? Whatever. They just turn it on, a lot of them.

You go to restaurants and mamak shops, they always have the TV on, tuned in to nothing.

So even though people might tune in, it doesn't necessarily mean they're watching, cause their minds are tuned out.

If I was running the TV stations, I'd do an experiment - I'd put on a video of a rock for 20 minutes on primetime and see how much I score on Nielsen. My bet? Just as high or higher.

My point is, if you're doing TV shows, do something that you love because one day, a lonely guy in a hotel room will find a rerun of your shit and might even enjoy it.

Okay, I don't ave a point, but I thought I'd waste your time.

Whine and Dine

There was a time when I - and a whole bunch of other people - really thought anything that came from MTV was cool.

I read about Max Headroom - a UK-produced show done in the US - way before TV3 got hold of it.

Max Headroom was random before random became a hipster thing, and now embraced by dunno who.

[added, to clarify between Max Headroom AND MTV]Meanwhile, MTV at the time managed to convince everyone and everything on the planet that it was edgy, avant garde and is the thing all teenagers want.

Watching Beavis and Butthead and Aeon Flux was cool. Non-linear storytelling, slacker culture, and blah blah blah.

I turn on MTV now, and I don't even get music videos. The channel is dominated by reality shows, in an age when reality shows have turned mean-spirited and spiteful.

I don't enjoy MTV anymore. I don't see it as representing anything, other than an excuse for the MTV Movie Awards. Remember Joe's Apartment?

Being silly and glorifying silliness was the MTV staple - it was their backbone, their soul. We carried that and everything we thought was cool, into t3h Interwebz. Everything's gone now. Institutionalised.

The Internet used to be the last bastion of stupidity. Then, old people went in, bringing their commerce and rules and adult political fights. Then a new generation went in, without the cynicism, with a trust for structure and systems.

MTV has changed. The Internet has changed. The world has moved on.

But I'm still here, saying fuck the free world.

And Justice for All

As the world's greatest economist, I took my time deciphering Malaysia's 2012 Budget.

The stupid, dumb, racist, lying, cheating (caught) opposition merely claimed that the stupid, dumb, racist, lying, cheating (accused) Government stole their budget, meaning they think it's awesome. They're both wrong, cause they're stupid, lying cheating dumb-ass racist politicians.

I see that the best thing about the budget is the fact that there's no price increase - a HUGE fact that even the Government's best spin-doctors forgot to mention. Which goes to show that the Government's best spin-doctors are complete retard asshole douchebags.

Go on and pay them money, Uncle Najib. They sure can't function in the real world anyway, fucking fucktards.

The no price increase was not plastered all over the budget, and only a few noticed it. This doesn't mean traders WON'T increase prices just for the hell of it. It only means they can't blame it on the Government.

Even with tobacco and alcohol, there is no real opportunity to increase prices and then blame the Government for it.

Some people complain that GLCs control the economy. Well, since a huge, HUGE part of Malaysia's income come from petroleum, isn't this a true reflection of the market?

Petronas alone accounts for at least 32% of Government taxes. If PR comes into power, the first thing they might do is rob Petronas and run with the money, while you slaves construct giant pyramids for their tombs.

To be fair, BN already had a few decades at it themselves. Make no mistake - the struggle for power in this country is actually a struggle for money. There are no principles, honour, integrity. Fuck that bullshit. It's all about the money, brosephs, and you're all fucked.

I say we wake up tomorrow and rob all the rich people. Take all their money and big-screen TVs and SUVs. We kill them, loot and pillage whatever is worth looting and pillaging, and then burn their houses and their entire families. Cause you know why? They've been doing it all this time, to us, turning us into slaves.

Call me Spartacus. Let's us slaves kill and eat their young. Let us feast on their liver and bite their faces off.

Back to the budget, well, the worst thing about it I guess is Najib's optimistic 5-6% growth prediction. This year was 5.5%. I doubt we will top that, but to be fair, he did say it's 5 TO 6, so it could be 5.

Who knows? Financial people are all so full of shit. They use 10,000 words to say two - we're fucked. Or maybe 'we're fucking with you for fucks.'

I say ENOUGH! I say, we go and kill. No, not figuratively 'kill'. I'm talking real homicide. Take their cash, roll it up real tight, reallll tight, and shove it up their asses so hard, they die from asshole hemorrhaging.

You want oil? Feed them the black stuff using a funnel, like in that stupid George Clooney movie.

Why work for rich people, cleaning their shitty toilets and folding their underwears, when we can just go and take all their stuff? Quick! Before they put everything in offshore accounts!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

That'll Be Four Bucks Baby!

I'm a member of a scriptwriting group on Facebook, and one of the things I like doing is answering questions from new writers. It's not about feeling good about myself because I'm better or older, but has everything to do with sharing shit.

This week, one young, enthusiastic guy asked me: "What would be a good production house to do drama series in English? Maybe the first Malaysian English series in Malaysia?"

I answered:

"There are other Malaysian English series. A lot of them, I think. City of the Rich (written in part by Amir Muhammad), Buddies (Na'a Murad), that Kopitiam thing and a bunch of other stuff, including that thing with Cheryl Samad in it. As for the production house, I dunno. Lots of them around, but hardly anyone does Malaysian English drama series. Which brings us to the next question - do I think it will work? I dunno, dude. Malaysian English speaking crowd is few, but have better income. Then again, what are they watching? ESPN? AXN? My suggestion is just to write what you want to write. Fuck what the market wants. You're a writer, not a marketer."

Like it or not, the majority of the population in Malaysia are Bahasa Malaysia-speaking Malays. What do they watch? Bahasa Malaysia shows. Like Raja Lawak. Like Akademi Fantasia. What is the number one news show in Malaysia? Buletin Utama. What language is it in? BM.

What is the last Malaysian English film you ever saw? Mine was Ah Lok Kafe. Nasi Lemak 2.0 doesn't count cause it's a mix. Anyway, how much did Ah Lok Kafe make? How many people went to see it? Given the opportunity, would any profit-driven production house want to do a Malaysian English film?

People talk about the urban market like it's the most valuable market here. It might be, but how do you tap it? What shows do the Bangsar crowd watch?

I just came back from Jalan Telawi, and all the pubs were showing ESPN and WWE. Football and wrestling, including the mamak.

Was Akademi Fantasia a show for urban folk or rural folk? Who gets wet at the sound of Mawi?

You wanna talk urban and rural, are we talking demographics or mindset? I come from a swamp in Kuantan. You know what the swamp people watch? ESPN and WWE on Supersport. Just like the Bangsar crowd.

When the first AF kids performed or appeared in public, the makciks in tudungs pushed the glass doors of the building until it broke. Where was this? PWTC, I think. Where is PWTC? Right smack in the middle of the city.

They also watch Tahajjud Cinta and whatever the hell they put on TV during primetime. I believe that even if you put a video of a rock on primetime, they'll watch it for an hour. Why? Cause TV is still THE CHEAPEST entertainment, and people will always need entertainment.

My old editor, he said, "There's urban, and there's urbane." His family decided to live in villages, and they watch CSI, House, those kind of 'urban' shows.

I could go on forever, demonstrating the flaws and special cases in any and all market segmentation. Lesson: you can't really put people in boxes. They won't stay there like a bunch of kittens. You can do educated guesses, based on statistics, but you can never be right 100%.

Which brings us to the point I was making. Fuck the market. Fuck statistics. We have people who are very good or very bad at predicting trends. They are called producers.

My advice to the young scriptwriter was simple, and something I should follow myself. Fuck everything else. Just write what you want, when you want it, and however which way you want it.

I believe the key to good writing, fuck that, to great writing, is to be sincere in your approach. People can sniff fakery and fuckery a mile away, unless you're Neil Gaiman, in which faking it is the point.

If you lose your sincerity, you lose your audience.

Fuck thinking about it, bro, just fucking do it. Put your dick inside the hole and fucking pump it. Wank if you have to. And if they don't like it, they can stuff it where the sun don't shine.

Now, where the fuck is my draft? I got a deadline to crawl to.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Is That So?

Here is the story of Hakuin, the Zen monk.

Hakuin was a famous monk. One day, his neighbour's daughter got pregnant. When asked, the girl said that Hakuin is the father.

Enraged, the family went to Hakuin and said, "Fuck you, Hakuin, you got my daughter pregnant, you daughter-fucker!"

So Hakuin said, "Is that so?"

The family went home, angry. They spread stories of Hakuin fucking and soon he was no longer famous, but infamous.

Hakuin was told this and ostracised by the other monks. He simply said, "Is that so?"

Devoid of ego or a sense of self. It's not "Is that SO?" or "Is THAT so?". It was simply, "Is that so?"

Nine months later, the family went to Hakuin and gave him the baby.

"Bitch!" said the family, "You're the father. Take care of this bullshit."

So Hakuin said, "Is that so?" And took the baby.

He cared for the thing for several years, before the girl went and told her father that actually, Hakuin is not the father. It was the local gardener boy.

Embarrassed, the family went to Hakuin and said, "Sorry, Broseph. Wrong asshole. We be takin' the child now."

To which Hakuin said, "Is that so?" and gave the child back to the family.

His fame gone, his life ruined, and yet Hakuin knows, more than anyone else, that whatever people say or accuse you of, has no power to change the truth.

You can say that the sun rises in the west and sets in the east, but that will not change anything. You can beat your own chest at the unfairness of the world, or how things should have been, and not what is, and things are still as they are.

No one can change even one silly, simple truth, and if you simply align yourself with the truth, in the present moment, no one has any power over you.

Be aware, and awaken. And shoot laser beams out your eyes.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Lords of Destruction

My generation, is a generation of destroyers. Generation X. Described to embody the archetype 'Nomad', which means we are entirely distrustful of systems and things as they are. Our instinct is to destroy it.

Generation Y, the Millenials, they are supposed to be the builders. Which brings us to Sandman.

In the Sandman comics, Destruction - the anthropomorphic personification of destruction - quits his realm, therefore destroying the Endless system and tries to create.

Destruction is also change. It also art. For things cannot change without it being destroyed, and creation can only happen with destruction.

We are destroyers, and you do not seek Destruction and expect to come away unscathed.

Working with Youngsters

It was 2003, and I was in a chair, bawling like a baby. I was 23 years old, I didn't know what to do with my life, and I was crying for the first time in five years.

Had a degree in computer science, majoring in networking, but I didn't know how to configure a stupid router. I knew enough of coding to build websites using notepad and stealing a lot of java applets.

"Website building skills will be as ubiquitous as Microsoft Office skills, my friend, with Dreamweaver and all," said a dumbass know-it-all.

Yeah, I mean, copy, paste, troubleshoot. Any idiot can master that in three months, right? We were at the end of the first computer bubble, or the second. Who gives a fuck? It was the end of something, and I did not want to be a system analyst or a programmer and make billions of dollars.

I read up on Neil Gaiman's path. He failed to publish what he wrote, so he became a journalist.

I thought, "Okay, I'm going to fail get published and then be a journalist for eight years and then quit, then be a critically-acclaimed comics writer."

I should have known.

I failed to fail getting published. I got published. Short story.

My father was damn pissed off.

"I told you to be a doctor! A doctor means free meds! And free bragging to other people with their loser kids! You suck, dude!"


"Who you gonna write for? Tamil Nesan? Harakah?"

My other family members were like, "What are you going to write?"

"Comic books," I said.

"Can you make money from comic books?"

"Well, they're selling x million number of comic books in the US, and in Japan, manga is (was) a three billion dollar business. US dollars."

"What about Malaysia?"

"Nah. All comics lose money."



"Dude, I'll get you a job with the Government."

So. I had no support from my family. I had around RM2,000 in savings - enough for four months of living in squalor. No help, no contacts, nothing.

All I had was my wit, and my will. And a bone to pick with the universe.

So I spent RM1,250 on a self-help training course, and got a job as a cashier at a pharmacy.

Back at the training thing, I was surrounded by people who sounded like Apple zealots. Bored with the stupidity of it all, I turned inwards. I faced myself for the first time. It was like that Luke Skywalker scene in Empire, without Darth Vader, lightsabers or Yoda.

"What do you want? What do you want? What do you want?" Repeated the asshole in front of me. We were in a dyad.

"What do you want? What do you want? What do you want?"


That stunned him for a while. Then, he continued the exercise.

"What do you want? What do you want? What do you want?"

And when next I opened my mouth, I told him this.

"I want to write. I want to write books. Comics. Movies. TV series."

I was crying. And he shut up.

That was my big breakthrough. I knew WHAT I want. What was left was simply HOW.

I sent my resume to 52 companies with writing jobs. I landed six interviews. The first one was with NST. The rest, I've repeated here so many times.

I have written a book, am writing another one, have written 12 movies, three got made so far, and helped do 3800 hours of TV in a year.

I have written so much, I puked blood. Literally.

A lot of that is because so many helped me along the way, and I have to give them props. But the key, was in knowing what I wanted. It's not difficult, really. I believe you just need to face yourself and ask what is it that you really want. Not who, not why. Just what. And go from there.

When you ask this question, your ego cannot come into play. You must be exact, detailed and very, very clear. If you did it with no ego, then all the hows will fall into place. If you focus and be real with yourself, and not be a snivelling, lying little coward, the force of your actions can be extremely powerful... as long as you don't stop to measure how powerful it is and start comparing it like an extra dick.

Of course, for young people, maybe the best course is to lock them in a room and let them cry. Like a lot of parents do.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Awakening, Unraveling, Crisis, High

Steve Jobs is dead. Passed away today. I've never been an Apple loser fanboy, and I am not a fan of Jobs either. However, he does embody that quality which I have always admired - 'fuck everyone else, I know I'm right' mentality.

I do not believe in consensus, and I trust that people are generally conceited. This is neither bad nor good. I believe that humans have a very strong desire to exist, stemming from their ego - the entirety of the ego.

Humans are afraid of being replaced, made redundant, of not 'mattering' - if there is such a word. They are either afraid of losing or losing out. They constantly gauge the competition until they forget about their own matters.

Humans must always be more, have more, do more, and yet nothing is ever enough. Their greed has put them in harm's way so many times, and yet they do not learn. Humans are incapable of learning. They are too arrogant, and you cannot fill a cup that is already full.

Humans are capable of so many great things, but their fields of vision are narrow and petty. Those who achieve awareness, do so not by fighting, but by accepting. They recognise that everything and everyone are connected, yet they do not conform.

It doesn't matter, really. Awakened or not, aware or not, one day, one moment, when you are about to die, everyone will be fully awake, even in their sleep.

Our time is limited. A flash in the pan of geological ages. Dinosaurs ruled the earth much, much longer than humans have. In the hundreds of millions of years. And most of them, they have brains the size of walnuts. And yet we, with our gigantic brains, are always on the brink of extinction.

Humans can learn to be aware and exist beyond the confines of our physical existence. We must learn to shake the madness and insanity that are gripping our minds.

And yet, next year the world ends. Whoop de doo. Fucking Mayan cunts.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011


I want some software - Adobe Photoshop CSwhatever. Macromedia Dreamweaver 8. Microsoft Office!

And a few new keyboards. This one is getting stuck. I want HP keyboards that has lights.

And maybe a new monitor so I can do a double monitor setup. And a new computer table.

Machine Talk

I started my career as a programmer. C++, ASP - Javascript and VBScript. In light of recent events, perhaps I should consider dusting off these lost skills.

Not just that, but my 2D and 3D graphics training as well.


Amir Hafizi! Terrorise!

SDAR 937 Reunion 2011

I went to my high school reunion last Saturday night, and I am happy to see that everyone is fat. Well, most are. Most of them are now shopping at specialty shops or have their clothes tailor-made.

I knew it! I guessed that if I lived long enough, everyone would be ugly.

I hated school reunions before because I get this sense that I was being evaluated and judged. Now that everyone is fat, we have more time to catch up on stuff.

Some said they were apprehensive on having children because I spoke out against it. Which is bullshit. I have little impact on people's lives and nobody listens to me anyway. Just make sure your kids don't rob me in 10 years. Other people's marriages are their problems, not mine.

There were WAGs - wives and girlfriends - as well. Which leads me to the next story from the gathering.

I was asked to pull out a lucky draw number - an honor reserved for only 50 of the 64, I think. And the other 14 were organisers. There were lots of lucky draws.

So I pulled a number out, and lo and behold - a woman got up to take the prize. I celebrated more than she did, because now I can claim that I am less gay than the rest. Oh, I went to SDAR - an all-boys school.

Anyway, Hulk not gay, Hulk straight!

One from my school asked, "So, what am I doing here?" So I told her (?), "Seeing MatDee's face is one of the greatest pleasures of going to a SDAR 937 reunion." or in Koranic parlance, "Melihat wajah MatDee adalah antara nikmat paling hebat pergi ke reunion SDAR 937"


Thanks to the organisers, and I end this with a zealous chant: Matdee! Matdee! Matdee!

Matdee (left) and the inspiration to one of the most memorable characters I've written - Badak.


I sat down recently with industry people to talk about writing creative content for the entertainment industry. It was a good talk, and several topics were explored.

I get the impression that the people currently making money - the TV stations and production houses, want better creative content, but are afraid that it would cost more. That their margins would be affected.

Rest assured that if you pay peanuts, you get monkeys, and if you pay anyone peanuts, they can certainly act like gibbons, marmosets, orangutans, chimpanzees and bonobos.

However, the one telling factor which no one brought up - including me - is the fact that creative people will churn out better shit, if they are given more control over their work.

I didn't start that one up cause I didn't think people would understand.

"Creative control over your own work? What the fuck is that?"

I can't tell you other people's story except mine.

I have been lucky enough to have been allowed and offered to do creative work across multiple mediums. One short story, one novel, three movies (so far), I had a hand in over 3800 hours of TV shows and countless articles.

The load was crazy and to be honest, I was burning out a few weeks back. Everything I wrote was garbage. Deleted over 40,000 words. It wasn't until recently that I slowly got my groove back.

Anyway, after going through all that, mostly to collect experience points, I have landed a job I love and now do projects I want. And projects I want to do, are cool ones. Stories that would last a lifetime, or more.

The only way I know to ensure quality is if I have control over things that come out. Or work with extremely talented people who can do a better job than I can muster.

Other than that, I'd be setting myself up for failure and heartbreak.

Oh well. We shall see what happens.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

DeGeneration M

I refuse to represent or be included in any generation, other than Degeneration M. What's the definition of Degeneration M? Who gives a fuck?

The world moved on, and for a time, I had trouble understanding younger people. I didn't know their rules, their boundaries and their failures. I wouldn't know how my jokes would work with them, and that is dangerous.

It wasn't until recently when a member of the younger ones told me:

"Your generation watched The X-Files and Seinfeld. Paranoia and sarcasm defined your era. We watch The Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother and Chuck - these defined our time, our era."

And the generation before me watched Vic Morrow in Combat and Lou Ferrigno in The Incredible Hulk live action TV series.

This proves my theory that pop culture has a deep impact on the mindset of the people. With this in mind, I have set out from the onset of my life, to watch as many shows as I humanly can.

Some people, feel the pulse of the world via music. I don't because I'm not that into music. Not normal music. I listen to theme songs and soundtracks. TV and movies, though, are things I like.

Dallas defined millions of people, so does Friends, though I believe most people who watch Friends are shallow, insecure bastards.

Seinfeld was not my show, because too many hipsters hopped onboard the bloody thing. They call 'being random' and 'things about nothing' to be their calling card. I find this group - removed from the original weird people who watched the show - as fake and phoney.

I watched Cheers and Frasier, because I'm so fucking smart and HAD a deep-seated longing for things to stay as they were.

I lived through the age of The X-Files, the rise and fall of sitcoms, and the crazy permutations of reality shows.

Nowadays, TV shows are a bit harder to classify or predict. They generally fall under such categories as 'Fox is STUPID' or snooze-fest or FUCK-YOU-TWEENS.

The shows I watch will not define me, but as with anyone, it will give insight to the inner workings of the mind.

I never fully enjoyed the slacker culture perpetrated by Beavis and Butthead because by the time I was old enough, slacker was retro-pastiche.

I believe the show that could be close to an identity-defining bullshit thing for me would be South Park. I watched the movie more than 25 times, and each of its episodes more than twice.

My favourite anime is Cowboy Bebop, after which I stopped watching anime because nothing else could ever top the perfection that is Bebop. Best Japanese drama series is Dekichatta Kekkon. I have never been interested to watch any other Japanese show after that.

Best games ever are Super Robot Wars Alpha and Alpha Gaiden, Jagged Alliance 2, Championship Manager 01/02 and Final Fantasy VII. I have played each of these games for more than 10 years. No other game is better.

Best TV show ever? I dunno. I'm still watching, trying to find the best one EVER. Lost was good, and Boston Legal is THE BEST LAW SERIES EVER, after which all those actors who play lawyers should just go and kill themselves.

I don't like remakes and I hated and still do hate the depressing, bullshit gender-bender homo-erotic Battlestar Galactica. Got nothing against homos, but Starbucks as a woman just fleshes out fanboys' desire to fuck a man.

Fuck the new Hawaii-Five-O. Fuck it with a dog. AND FUCK YOU ANG LEE, FOR MAKING HULK.

And Eric Bana sucks! And what the fuck is so good with Charlie Fucking Sheen? Fuck Sheen! His career peaked with them parody movies. That's it. Charlie Sheen? Fuuuuccccccckkk...

I'd rather watch Tom Cruise.