Friday, December 30, 2011


Way back when, my weakest subject was composition - writing. Realising that this was my weakness, I focused on that for years.

The period when I was in high school, I sensed there were dark undertones - some grim current running throughout the school. So I spent most of my time there reading. For five long years, all I did was read and read until the library became boring and I had to reread certain books - my favourites - more than 20 times.

Coming to KL, I had a deep distaste for Malaysian entertainment. There was a period in my life when I only watched movies by Japanese directors and Wong Kar Wai. So lo and behold, there I was right smack in the middle of the entertainment industry.

After learning mankind's dark sides first hand, I cultivated a hatred for people and everything concerning them. So, I thought it would be a good exercise if I were to try and understand them - these mammals with theatrics.

The amount of information was overwhelming. Tone and volume of voice, facial expressions, hand gestures, what they say in and out of context. I find that the best way to understand is to understand fear, as humans are motivated primarily by this emotion.

Yes, fear makes the world go round. Not love, hatred or anger. It is always fear.

The fear of being judged and coming up short. The fear of rejection. The fear of not being believed - especially true for children and idiots. The fear of losing out. There is always fear. Everywhere.

And so I thought, "I must experience these fears."

That set me on a quest where I hurled myself into countless awkward situations, just to experience the fear. To better understand it.

I finally discovered Eckhart Tolle's teachings in his masterpiece A New earth, which finally puts everything into perspective. I finally understand what that fear is, and why humans do what they do.

Doesn't make me a millionaire, but it does give me the opportunity to sleep soundly at night, realising why humans are as they are.