Monday, November 17, 2008

Barbarian Robot

I am at Mandarin Oriental. Typing this on my Blackberry.

Drinking teh tarik, with something extra.

I just came back from the toilet, where I met Greg Nunis.

The toilet is not bad. Not cause of Greg Nunis, but because of its spaciousness, cleanliness and shit.

Though the best toilet I've ever been in was in Bali. It had an open roof and the floor was basically gravel from the river. Should I have used 'pebbles' instead of gravel?

Anyway, I remember, as a child, being told that toilets in hotels as wondrous, magical things.

Like Disneyland.

My sister told me that the toilet at Mimaland had a mechanical arm with a brush attachment that will clean your ass after taking a dump.

I was like, "Wow! A robot that cleans asses!"

A barbarian robot. Man. That was so cool.

Of course, I did't know I was being lied to. I was only seven or something.

But for years, I longed for a toilet with a robot in it that would clean my ass.

I went and looked for the best toilets I could experience.

The Metropolitan in Bangkok has a washroom and toilet area that was bigger than my entire apartment in Malaysia. Of course, at a few hundred USD a room, it better be.

The Ascott or something in Singapore had a rainforest shower thing.

It really did feel like being in the middle of a tropical rainstorm, in the jungle.

And the tub was big enough for two. Even three or four. Hehehehe.

For an island nation quite sensitive to water usage, being able to use those kind of luxurious things was very...evil. I felt like a rich man.

But nothing beats Bali when it comes to toilets.

Floating in my toilet bowl at a decent resort in Kuta Beac were flower petals. On my bed, there were flower petals. But inside the toilet bowls?


Taking a dump while watching the stars (and worrying about voyeurs) was fantastic.

But for the life of me, I could never find the barbarian robot arm with a brush extension that would clean my ass.

It had so dominated my childhood dreams.

But now, as an old man, I am beginning to feel afraid of meeting a barbarian robot arm with a brush extension that would clean my ass.

Not afraid. No. More like, concerned.