Monday, November 17, 2008

Insomnia Under the Bodhi Tree

I can't sleep.

But I feel strangely calm.

The whole week has been crazy. As with all weeks. This week especially so. A roller-coaster of emotions. But I am at peace.

I think that all the things I learned, everything I've worked for, everything I've read, is finally beginning to make sense.

It was a slow convergence of ideas and a confluence of many different experiences. I am tired. But I am not in despair.

I have begun to accept certain things. I can see better. My mind is not cluttered with a million different thoughts and a billion different things.

There is serenity in the air. Clarity. Somehow. I don't know why.

Perhaps Chuck Palahniuk wrote true after all.

Only when you have lost everything are you free to do anything.

I have not lost everything. But I cast off a lot of shit this week. Things I did not need. Baggage. Guilt. Responsibilities which were not mine.

Desires. Wanting. The desire to look good. If anything, I looked really bad this week. The desire to sound smart. To be funny. For approval. Right now, at this moment, I no longer feel that.

Met a girl I liked last week. And I did not try to impress her. Because:

1. She would not be impressed.

2. I did not feel the need to do so.

I've been talking and writing about not having desires, but I hardly followed that edict. Before.

I find that in order for me to find a sense of balance, and some degree of solace, I needed to let go of certain things. Not the least of which the unrealistic expectations I put on myself.

I mean, sure, I have done fantastic stuff. And I will continue to do so. But I no longer feel the poisonous need to do it. For what? To prove myself? Again? When will it ever stop? When will it ever be enough?

I will do great things simply because I do great things. I do stupid things because I do stupid things.

And as for people? Well, people are people. They're like that. I can't force them to think or act in a certain way, and nor do I want to. I do not wish for control over people. Never did. Never will.

Oh well. Maybe it's the painkillers.