Saturday, November 22, 2008

Tales from the Drunk Side: How to be Cool

I am the coolest motherfucker ever.

As the world's coolest person, I can teach all-a-you lame bitches how to be cool. But you won't learn. Cause you're stupid.

Oh well. What can I do?

First of all, coolness comes from within. It doesn't come from other people. It doesn't come from what other people think of you.

Some of you are populists. You pander to the audience. You WANT to be liked. You have a desire for people to have positive thoughts about you. You're pathetic.

Cause here's the truth:

No matter what you do, no matter what you say, there will always be people who agree or disagree with you. People are fickle. And people are unreliable.

People, they think about themselves. They don't think about you. They might - for two seconds a year. And then they forget.

Really cool people, like me, we don't give a fuck. Because we know no matter what you do, there's always a flip side. There is always another side to the story.

Even if you're saving drowning kids in Africa or raping drowning kids in Africa, there would still be people who think you're stupid.

Really cool people - like me - we accept and embrace the fact that people are petty and self-absorbed. Hell, I revel in being self-absorbed.

If you focus on people, you die. Or go crazy. How long do you want to live as slaves to public perception? Been there. Done that. Good luck, and good night.

Focus, instead, on your dick. On yourself. Like me.

The more you love yourself, the more people would love you. They would suck your dick. That's the secret of being cool. And I'm really cool.

The second thing is this: coolness doesn't matter. It's not worth a damn squat.

When you put too much importance on trying to be cool, you suck. TRYING to be cool, you are not cool.

Look at me. I don't try. I'm just cool. I can't help it. I'm sorry, man, I'm just the greatest ever.

I'm like, so cool, when I go to hell, they have to install heaters. And wear sweaters.

Oh well. What to do?