Saturday, November 8, 2008

Declaration of War Against the Impending Global Economic Storm

EDIT TO ADD: As the world's leading economic genius, I, The Malay Male, declare war on recession.

The time for emotion has ended.

It is now an opportunity to take action. As in, "Lights, camera, action!"

Consider the facts:

1. There is an impending economic storm
2. People are stupid
3. People are evil
4. People are petty and cruel

Batten down the hatches! I predict robust sales of big-screen TVs and larger subscription to pay-TV as people don't have money to go out. I also predict cinemas to be full on Wednesdays as movies are STILL one of the cheapest forms of entertainment. And on Wednesday, tickets are 40% off. Last time I checked, of course.

Karaoke joints might be closed, and medium to high-end restaurants will also face foreclosure and Chapter 11. Or Article 11. Whatever.

Pirated DVD sales will go through the roof. Broadband Internet will also sell like hot cakes because people will always need entertainment. I mean, they will always need to download movies, for almost nothing.

And they always need porn. Porn is a necessity. Like kompang and pork. And whiskey.

Ooooh, yeah. Pubs are gonna do brisk business soon, man. People will be drowning their sorrows, hitting the bottle. Drugs as well.

There will be an exodus to the rural areas as agriculture becomes a more viable industry. Hey, you still gotta eat, right? Right?

People who have no choice will take up personal loans, which they cannot pay. In turn, this will worsen things. As we saw in the States. Banks in Malaysia may be destroyed.

And then, there is the conundrum:

In order for the economy to recover, people need to spend money. But with consumer confidence about to hit a low, they would probably not. Making the recovery process slower.

So what do we do?


Children cost money. If you can abort, abort now.

Get Angelina Jolie to adopt them. She's got money. And women are recession proof. Pussy is like Visa - accepted everywhere. Chris Rock, yo!

All sex must be with a condom. Help our rubber industry! Help your own wallet. Stop having children.


If a lot of people die, there would be more food and moar mah-ney for the rest of us. I propose that our esteemed leaders, the politicians, to lead the way.

Anwar Ibrahim can lead the charge, delivering a rousing speech and inviting everyone to sample the refreshments - Kool-Aid.

DAP's new tagline: Drink poison - die young and rich! RICH!

The MoD can also dispense C4 explosives to a coalition of the willing.

Taking a page from Dr M, I propose criminalizing recession. Whoever is in recess, will be shot. Drawn and quartered.

In a few years, when the stupid fucking cows at Stock Markets the world over has finally calmed the fuck down, we can start breeding and breathing again.