Thursday, March 12, 2009

Complicating Things

Bear with me. I haven't slept yet.

The first website I ever did for the Internet was a poorly-constructed artsy-fartsy shitty shit called Marks in the Sand.

I did it in a friend's house, using Dreamweaver 3 and some editing using notepad. Java applets were all the rage back then and I had one that made the title shimmer like water. You can drag your cursor on it and it's like dragging a finger across a pool. Needlessly. But there it was.

A few days later, I abandoned it. I was only 19. I abandoned a lot of things when I was 19. Even an oversized fridge.

In this life, sometimes you have to throw things.

THIS website, the very first incarnation, was done to mock bloggers and their self-importance. It was also to write stuff I couldn't write in the papers.

Some people have accused me of doing this, or anything in life, in order to be loved. I am sorry. I abandoned all such foolishness when I was 17. My fuel WAS hate. Pure, hate.

Nowadays, it's doubt. But that's another story.

The title, 'The Malay Male' was chosen because I find it ironic. And I find myself ironic. Contrarian. Iconoclast. Bloggers and self-importance. Ya dig?

See, genetically, I'm half Malay and half Chinese. Whoop dee doo. Nothing special there.

Means I'm both lazy and greedy, if stereotypes are your thing. Yay.

My first target were the Malays. I hated everything they do. I still hate most things they do.

Then I moved on to other races. Used to lambast BN. Now attacking the opposition. With the perspective I have of myself, of course I would say that I am neutral. Chaotic neutral.

Because at the end of it all - for I am a man who peeks at endings - I believe that it is all stupid. And that it will all be a sad, cruel, stupid joke.

Race. Politics. Hahaha. Ha. Ha. I geddit.

At the end of it all, when all is said and done, I guess my father is right. Everyone dies. Good people. Bad people. Grey people. And what does it matter, in the end? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

We live life as best we can. And then what? Nobody knows. And people who claim they do, for certain, are trying to convince you they are God.

I look back at all the good things I've done in my life. And all the bad things I've done. And I accept it with a shrug. No statue. No tantrum. I am not addicted to drama. Things I did, I did it. No pride, no shame. Just nothing.

Right now, I'm just going after the next mile. And the next. I'll try to enjoy most of it. More of it. Because I have the decision whether to like it or to hate it. It wouldn't make a difference. For I have seen the end. Not what comes after the end. Just the end. Nothing.

Mesopotamians, yo!