Thursday, April 8, 2010

The Family Manual

So you want to start a family. Even after all I said, you STILL want to start a family. Or have just started a family. Fine. Your right. As a virus.

Now, while I don't agree with families, I aim to reduce crime and idiots. If I can't stop you from breeding, I guess I want to dispense some advice - based on my biased, heavy-handed judgments - on starting a family, based on the very bad things I have observed along the way.

If you are older than I am (I am 30), have more experience, are wiser, prettier, have done this before, are successful, are multi-millionaires, makes a few hundred thousand a year, smarter than I am, yadda yadda yadda, stop reading and go fuck yourself. This guide is for idiots and people who are just starting a family. Which, in most cases, are the same people.

1. The Wedding

Weddings are the biggest scams on earth. The point of weddings, is to inform people that you guys are legally fucking. So with Facebook, Twitter and blogs, why would you want to spend thousands to feed people you don't even like?

It's all ego. The whole economy is based on the ego.

Nevermind. That's my judgement. Sue me.

Normal weddings will cost anywhere between RM10,000 - RM850 trillion.

When you have drafted out a figure, add another 200%. 100% for emergency funds, and another 100% for your mama-san (mother-in-law) wanting to cash in on selling her hooker.

Yes, your honeymoon will be at Langkawi, while your in-laws will fly to London or Switzerland.

If you are Chinese, and not holding it in Penang, there are ways to recoup your expenditure, through ang pows. If you're Indian, temple buffets are cheap or reasonably-priced. Plus, it's usually vegetarian and pay for as many guests you have, making it very reasonable indeed.

If you're Malay, and you're not rich, you're fucked. Accept it. Move on.

2. Kids

I recommend that you have kids based on how many millions you have. If you have RM1 million, you can have one kid. Two million - two kids.

Buuutttt... no one ever listens to me. So here's what you do.

Before you have kids, here is a list of stuff you need to know:

1. The high cost of living

Calculate monthly and yearly expenditure for the kids, until they're 18.

First three years, what kind of possible food are you giving it? Baby formula averages about RM50 per can, and you need one can for two-three weeks or so, depending on consumption.

In the old days, poor people give babies water with sugar. These poor people are usually Irish, in the States during the Great Depression. A lot of them survived, though thousands of babies died of colic and malnutrition.

Sugar water, tea, syrups are all unacceptable. I have met many parents who feed their kids tea. Tea, has anti-oxidants, yes, but they also have caffeine. Ever wonder why the baby is always up? It's the tea, stupid.

After the kids can eat solid food, do your calculations again.

Diapers. Cheap, disposable diapers are between 70 cents a piece to over RM1. You need at least three a day.

Babies grow. You need to buy clothes for them regularly as they will outgrow their outfits every few weeks. Decent clothes range from RM12.50 - RM200. I usually buy the RM50 set for friends and family who breed.

You need prams, harnesses, a bigger car, a bigger house, remove all potential harm in the house, etc.


You can do what some of China's daycare centers do - strap the kids to a potty chair and leave them there the whole day. Babies can't lodge a police report.

2. Education.

This is very important.

Today, to get a decent tertiary education, without depending on the Government, or if your child is an idiot, you need to pay anywhere between RM300,000 - RM2.5 million for an overseas degree.

The most expensive one one of my friends' parents paid for was RM1.2 million.

A local public uni would charge between RM4,000 - RM6,000 per YEAR for a normal degree. That's around RM20,000 - RM30,000 in total. For tuition fees alone.

A private college will charge between two to five times that amount.

And that is NOW. Today.

If you have kids now, the rate should be adjusted for inflation for another 20 years.

In 20 years' time, I predict that the cost for education would exceed several hundred thousand for a local degree, and several million for an overseas degree.

In short, either abort your baby now, or set up an education trust fund that will cover these expenses. IF you can afford it.

You can always gamble and hope that the whims of the Government will take your child's education worries from you. I honestly don't know.

3. Love

Ask yourself this question - do you really love your partner? Do you really want to be with him or her? Like, forever?

Cause if you don't, then what the fuck are you doing, marrying somebody you don't like?

Cause he/she looks good, so you can parade him/her around? Looks don't last. Neither do brain cells.

I worked at an old folk's home one sordid weekend, and even the most intelligent of men or women lose their faculties, and control of their bowels, after 70.

Make sure you REALLY, REALLY like your spouse.

Cause I have seen many broken marriages. Messy, messy, messy. And who gets the brunt of it? The kids. Those poor kids. Unwanted. Discarded. Alone. Boo fucking hoo.

And in 10 years time, they might come and rob ME. If I kill your kids in self-defense, don't cry foul play.

Even if you hate your partner, or does not want to be with him or her, simply separate when the kids are grown. Once you have kids, you have a responsibility to fulfil. You can't just walk away. It's fucking huge.

If you feel like cheating, then leave. This, is quite complicated. Who knows, after you get married, you find a soulmate who is not your wife or husband.

If that's the case, make arrangements. I don't know. I don't care. Not my business. But kids come first.

4. Benefits of family





When you are old, make a will. Make sure that everything is willed away. I heard from insurance lawyers, that Muslims in Malaysia can only will away one-third of their estate. The rest falls under Baitul-Mal's execution of the Fara-id. Though rich people can circumvent this, cause they are rich and can pay lawyers to beat the system.

If you don't want to go through this wrangle, simply give away your property and other assets while alive. There are ways to get around the tax, if it's a loved one. Or something.

To leave your estate as is without any will is irresponsible.

By the way, here is my last will and testament. After I die, I leave everything to my sister to be the sole executor of my will. Also, I have nothing, so it's not a problem.

In conclusion, I still remain with my call for people not to start families. However, this will not stop until someone drops a few nukes.

So if you STILL do it, please make sure that you are not an idiot. Do it right.