Monday, May 18, 2009

House of M: Metallic Mayhem

I just finished a script and I sense a disturbance in the farce.

Y'all gonna die, motherfuckers!

For some reason, after listening to Dr M, Big Blue, I feel compelled to write about the media.

A lot of people believe that Malaysia is around 50 years behind in everything. And even I, myself, has postulated that we might be 400 years behind due to some Spanish Inquisition-like shit coming down. Meaning we'll have Barcelona and Real Madrid by 2409.

A few weeks ago, I sat down and talked with people who expressed their disbelief at shit happening here, in the business, in the industry.

The attitudes, man, the attitudes.

You think viewers are stupid? You think Malaysian audiences are loser inbred fools?

Well, maybe. But that doesn't mean we need to give them shit every time.

Change, motherfucker. Change. Change, or die. Reinvention. Revolutions.

This world is not something that tolerates sitting on your lard-ass and expect people to shove down the same shit you give them. Day after fucking day.

Take me.

I used to swear and curse a lot and talk about vaginas.

I still do, but my shit is varied. I serve my shit up like Baskin Robbins. 31 flavas. Flava flav!

You gotta move on, man. World's spinnin' and if you stay put, the centrifugal force will throw you into the emptiness of space.

We lost or discarded our ancient arts. How many fuckers can play actual, real wayang kulit nowadays? How many can craft real keris?

How many of you fuckers still remember old stories?

Why construct traditional steel Samurai swords when carbon-fibre is sharper and easier to mass-produce?

Fuck swords. Javelin anti-tank weapons, bitches! Fire and forget. Metal Storm. Corner Shot. Hell, we even got robot soldiers. Just a step away from robot hookers.

ER ended last year or a couple of years ago.

One of the longest running TV show in history. Just to keep themselves fresh, they did one episode LIVE. Fucking LIVE. Twice. Cause of the differences in US timezones. It's like a stage play.

I used to love ER like I loved Law and Order.

Anything you put out on TV is now available on the Internet.

The music industry used to frown so much on P2P. Remember Metallica Vs Napster?

The fuck you gonna do now, bitches?

Napster bit the dust, but I wanna see how they gonna target Bittorrent. And a thousand million pirate kings. Romanticised by Monkey D Luffy. Who the fuck is Luffy? Fuck you, old man.

We are already buying a song per download. Pay 4 play. Though in Thailand it's a different thing, pay 4 play. P4P. Old school gangsta talk.

And all this while, we insult the intelligence of the masses. Know why stupid people keep watching your stupid shit? Cause you alienate the smart ones, stupid.

Go to Bangsar. The fuck they watchin'? The fuck they doin'?

Evolve. And let the chips fall where they may.

You can no longer be like Napoleon with feudal shit coming out your ass.

The power is, even though it's corny and stupid, with the people.

We realise that we don't have to buy your shit no more.

All over the place, I hear people yapping marketing mantra I heard in the 90s. Wake up, bitch! Some of those bullshit were cool 30 fucking years ago.

Guerilla marketing my ass.

Thick skin, Black heart? Fuck your kiasu ass, motherfucker.

"How do we activate this area?"

Bullshit. Bullshit. BULLSHIT.

Let Uncle Amir give you some advice.

1. Go back to basics.

What sells? Good shit. What doesn't sell? Bad shit.

What is your intention? Believe me, if it's good and you keep at it, 100%, you'll get what you want.

If you do have a black heart, then sucks to be you.

Newspapers need good articles. TV stations need good programmes. Radio needs good music. Not a bunch of ass-kissers.


Everyone cares only about themselves. If you can give shit that people care about (i.e themselves) and/or what they want then you're safe.

Suck your own dick? Then you die, motherfucker. You die.

What do people want?

Well, I don't know. But it sure as hell not you.

Not me, either. I have no allusions and suffer no illusions. Even though I am a megalomaniac.

3. Mentality

"Oh, I'm such a victim."

"Poor me!"

"Woe is me!"

"Kesiaaaan aku."

For years, I allowed myself to be victimised. You don't wanna know. I realised that I can only stop people from victimising me by not allowing it to happen. Consequences be damned.

I gave up on my dream to be a millionaire. I got all the pussy I ever wanted.

Nothing you can dangle in front of me anymore, man.

Sex is only worth RM50. Or in some cases, RM6.


I am a Malay who believes that money comes from the sky. Are you the sky? No? Well fuck you.

If I live, I live. If I starve to death, I starve to death. Boo fucking hoo. Who gives a shit? Nobody, that's who.

Wealth is a state of mind.

Decades ago, RM1,000 a month is the salary of a God. Driving Opel Kadetts or Datsun 120Ys.

Now? RM1,000 a month? Fuck you, poor man. Sez the masses.

Beauty? Hahaha. Beauty lasts for a few years. Health as well. Then we all get old. Then the tits will sag. Skin gets all wrinkly. Your dick dies. RIP.

The mind?


I seen the men in my family lose their fucking minds, man. Grow old and senile. I plan to die before that happens. James Dean my ass, motherfucker.

The fuck am I writing?