Saturday, August 27, 2011

Happy Birthday Persekutuan Tanah Melayu

In the late '80s, the Elder God of Writing Alan Moore wrote, "I am thinking of taking my family out of here. It is cold and mean-spirited. I don't like it here anymore." Or words to that extent, in the foreword to his epic V for Vendetta comic book collection.

Moore wanted to move out of the UK and take his family with him. Perhaps joining fellow comic writer, God of Writing Neil Gaiman in the US.

The US used to be a great place to live, but I hear from online gamers that this has ceased to be true. The cost for healthcare is skyrocketing. I heard two nights ago that an ambulance ride will cost you US$2000. A scan is US$10,000.

Whereas in Malaysia, an MRI is around RM800. I know this because I have an ailing parent.

A friend of mine broke his leg a few years back, and because his wife is a nurse working for the Government, his knee surgery, warding and whatever amounted to RM11.

A retired civil servant can go to a Government clinic and get generic drugs for any ailment, at the price of RM1.

Sure, the system sucks. My father can't go to the Government clinics and hospitals, so we can't get the meds for him. We have to buy original stuff from pharmacies.

But the fact that Malaysia has cheap healthcare - not FREE, but cheap - is almost always lost on everyone.

Politicians don't see it, but since politicians have brains the size of the testicles of walnuts, I don't blame them. Let me take this opportunity to say that we should eat politicians during Raya. I mean, we eat cows, and cows are better, smarter and better-looking than politicians.

I hate politicians with the intensity of a thousand suns.

Okay, so anyway, let's list down the bad stuff in this country as well as the good stuff.


1. Our politicians - on BOTH sides - are crap. Total utter useless pieces of shit that walk and talk and smear shit over everything. They lie, but not very well. They are evil, but due to their stupidity, only harm themselves and people dumb enough to trust them. So, it's a mixed blessing.

2. The price of cars are fucking expensive. But I don't give a shit, because I don't own or drive a car. Fuck you, motorists! I don't need a few tonnes of steel and bullshit to augment my already-bulbous penis.

3. Paradoxes. We have people protesting subsidies, who get angry when the Government remove some subsidies. What? Didn't you know that your fuel is heavily subsidised? Sugar is also subsidised as well as a few other things like your mama.

We have people yelling "Freedom of speech!" And then try to choke on that freedom by suing people. Dude, you should have yelled, "Freedom of Speech! For me! Not for you!" Or "CONDITIONAL freedom of speech!" Not the total freedom of speech you're preaching.

4. Level of knowledge and exposure - extremely low. If you have a headache, which of these medicines should you take? A. Codeine B. Tylenol C. Niquill D. Pseudo-ephedrine.

Have you watched all of these movies: Fight Club, Amelie, God of Cookery, Chungking Express, Visitor Q, Ichi the Killer, Welcome Back Mr McDonald, Goodbye Mr Chips, Summer Wars, Adaptation, Thank You for Smoking, Babe?

Which of these glands control your immune system: thyroid, thymus, pituitary, adrenal?

What is the difference between a capacitive touch-screen and a resistive one?

Who the fuck is Maurice LaMarche?

What are the seven layers of communication between machines?

You see, I understand that we specialise in different things. We know different things, which is good, because if everybody knew only what I know, planes would be falling out of the sky right now. But the basics. The basics.

In other words, I am so fucking smart and shit.

5. Racists. I hate pork, mutton, fish, having food stuck between my teeth, stomach-aches, fax machines, politicians, idiots, racists and racists in denial. In that order. I have no tolerance mainly for two things: people who disrespect and are intolerant of other people's creed and culture, and Koreans.

I mean, kimchi? What? Only thing that sounds worse than K-pop is Malaysian K-pop. K-pop is Korean pop. So Malaysian K-pop is Malaysian Korean Pop. As much as I am for interracial fucking, WHAT? Not only is Malaysian K-pop shitty, it's a fake!

I could go on all night. But, here's the flip side:

Good stuff about Malaysia:

1. Cheap healthcare. It's not free healthcare. It's not even good healthcare. But there's healthcare. I know that if someone shot me, I could go to University Hospital, get myself patched up and I'll be back on the warzone in say, three weeks (due to all the waiting). If I don't die from blood-loss.

2. The weather. I like hot weather. It justifies the Malaysian habit of turning on the air-conditioning at full blast for no fucking reason.

3. Food. Say whatever, but this country has the best food in the world. Available 24-7.

4. Proximity to Thailand. No matter what, Malaysia has this going for it. Malaysia is a neighbour to the greatest holiday country on earth - Thailand. The ONLY nation where the people don't bitch about their own country.

It's always, "I from Thailand! I love Thailand!" And they hate their politicians. They hate them so much, they change their Government like changing dirty diapers. But their country stays.

5. Our politicians are stupid. This is a blessing, really. Imagine if our politicians are smart. Say goodbye to your pension, savings, and whatever you have left. They will rob you blind. In the daytime. They'll come to your house and fuck you in the ass.

I don't want a RM2000 ambulance ride. What, do I get strippers in an ambulance? Whenever I pay RM2000 for something, it better have 10 hookers strapped to it, sucking my dick.

Thank God our politicians are so fucking retarded. Otherwise, we'd be the next America.

ANyway, in our rush to celebrate Hari Raya, I'd like to remind you idiots that it is also our independence day. Hari Merdeka.

My grandfather and your whatever fought for this - the freedom to govern ourselves and NOT be America. The freedom to do whatever the fuck we want, as long as we don't get caught.