Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Dangerous Mimes

Look who I found on Facebook. My old English teacher from high school. She now resides in Thailand.

One thing I like about this teacher is the fact that she never gave us homework. No baggage. Just finish everything in class.

I mean, most teachers, they tell you to do shit, carry their pain back with you. Miss Razianna never did. Instead, she told us to read books, which I did. A lot. In school.

I was never one of the cool kids, and not nerdy enough to be the nerds who always scores over 90% in their Add. Maths. I hated Integration. Nested ones are always crazy to do.

And the cool kids, man, they were fucking each other. Which is fine. But rape? Na-ah, man. That wasn't cool. And we were in an all-boys' school.

Some people nowadays, they relish in stories how they were bullied in college. Fuck you, man. All their stories about shit in college, we went through when we were 13 years old.

You don't know jack shit till you had to walk off surprise buttsecks.

Me? I spent most of my time, stealing books from the library. I always returned them, but since my library card was suspended in Form One, when I borrowed a book for eight months and reread it like a few hundred times, that was the only way I could read.

My school got a big budget. But most of it went to food. The cool kids go off almost every night to buy food outside, and to buy cigarettes. When they got caught, they were interrogated, Gestapo style, and they give the lame excuse that they were hungry.

They weren't hungry. They just needed cigarettes. We were eating five times a day. Fuck hungry, motherfucker! Are you diabetic or some shit?

So the library budget went to food. I was on the committee to determine the menu. That lasted two weeks. What a dumbass committee.

Now, I hear things are so bad, they send kids back on weekends, cause they can't feed them no more.

I don't know. Maybe the country is going bankrupt. I am just relieved I got out with my ass intact.

However, despite the low priority on the library, they got some good books.

I read three sets of children's encyclopedia, and the entire Stephen King collection. They got Asimov, Clarke, Robert J Sawyer, blablabla. They got Penguin shit and whatever else.

Piers Anthony, and some really cool illustration books by Michael Whelan.

The most borrowed book must have been the Lone Wolf series. Assholes write on the back pages, and I hated that.

Yeah, I spent most of my time evading buttsex by reading books. And sleeping. None of the seniors knew of my proficiency in English. Otherwise, they might ask me to do stuff.

One guy knew, and he asked me to write letters to his girlfriend. Fuck, man. The girl's a fucking retard. And her boyfriend was equally stupid. But I got protection. Muahahaha!

I was writing those stupid shit letters based on classic sci-fi convention. They didn't know jack shit. Dumbass!

The girl was all like, "Kissing a man who smokes is like licking an ashtray."

Fuck you too, bitch! Call the cops!

And the guy, he was like, "What's an ashtray?"

Goes to show the state of education in the country.

back then, man, some of the teachers were cool. Puan Nirwana was overly emotional, but I can't say shit, cause I'm just as bad. Mr Lee Chee Peng was one of the best maths teachers you could find.

Mr Lim Swee Boon taught Biology. He was good, that I decided to get an A for my SPM. Puan Khalijah and her partners in BM crime were really great BM teachers.

I took acting when I was in Form Two, and won the Sectionals for our dumb portrayal of Pasir Salak. In BM. We never had any such luck in English plays. It seems that the judges find English-speaking girls to be quite cute.

I studied Japanese for four years, and it is one of my regrets that I didn't take it seriously.

For PMR, all but seven out of 124 kids in my batch got 8As. PMR was easy. We hardly studied.

SPM was a different matter. I focused on only six subjects - BM, English, Modern Maths, Biology, Basic Economics and Islamic Education.

I got A1s for BM, English, Modern Maths and Basic Economics. A2 for Biology, and C3 for Islamic Education. Goes to show, I had no interest in that subject.

To make up for it, somehow, I got A2 for Physics. Making my aggregate a total of 8. Beating my sister by one point (she got 9). I never let her forget. Hahahahaha.

I mean, BM, it was easy. Only dumbass motherfuckers can't score in BM. The essay questions are all taken from Dewan Siswa. Format? One intro, one conclusion, and three to five paras of points with examples. Bada bing! Instant 40 marks. Can't get any easier.

English, we had two marking systems. Malaysian standard, and O Level or 1119. I aced both. Why? Well, to intimidate those who check your papers, simply pepper in Latin phrases or French. They'll think you're really smart or the child of a rich man.

Caveat Emptor. Let the buyer beware. Coup de grace. Finishing touch. Tete-a-tete. Face to face. And that's an A1 there.

Modern Maths is easy. The hardest thing was the Pythagoras Theorem. And Pythagoras Theorem is to modern mathematicians what a dummy is to a baby. KAH SOH TOA. Easy!

Basic Economics only has one graph. ONE. The supply-demand curve. You need to find the equilibrium. Study that graph and get 15 points! Know how to do your taxes, and bada bing! Another 15 points.

Biology, well, that's a bit more complicated but manageable.

Physics? I hated physics. They always throw in these dumbass IQ questions, designed to trick you. You can't just memorise formulas. Thank God, and Science, that I am smart.

Ah, those days were not the greatest days of my life. But I spent five years there, only to get a single digit aggregate in SPM, and I managed that. That was all I wanted from that dumb place. And I got to read and steal books, and meet excellent teachers.

Oh well. I'll see them again.