Thursday, December 11, 2008

Identity Crisis

Taking shelter from the rain, I weighed the option of going to a massage parlour for a handjob, or going into Silverfishbooks.

I thought to myself that a handjob would cost me money, but pretending to be an intelligentsia is free. And I can still have a wankfest.

So here I am. Surrounded by books written by politicians and authors who make a living out of claiming to be intellectuals.

Some, I am surprised, even claim to be Malay.

Even though some are more British than the Brits.

I guess it sells books.

I shall not judge. Well, actually, I already did. But who cares? We are in Malaysia, where anyone can be whatever they want.

The identity crisis around me, though, pushes into the spotlight my own personal whateverthefuck.

To be clear, I am genetically half-Malay and half-Chinese. Constitutionally a Bumiputera. Expected to be a Muslim.

I was raised near a swamp, but live in a city. The story of many-a-Malaysian.

My ideals I got from reading comic books. American, European and Japanese. As well as some cheap Hong Kong trash.

I speak and write English slightly better than Bahasa Malaysia, though I am rediscovering that, again, slowly and yet surely.

I eat, drink and fuck whoever and whatever I want. Whenever I want.

If Malayness can be measured, some of my Chinese friends are more Malay than I am.

I am neither ashamed nor proud of my identity. Mixed or otherwise. I am just am.

Push comes to shove, I will take a parang and a spear. And kill indiscriminately. For the simple joys of killing. And the long-lost art of cannibalism.

I do not have to pretend to be anything, because there are other, better ways to make money than prostituting my identity.

Believe me, I've tried.

As a Malay, I never did get my millions of NEP money. And my non-Malay friends have always told me that all I have to do is make a few calls and the Government will send me a sack of money to my doorsteps.

I have been waiting for 28 years. The money never came.

So what use is it to be a Malay? What use is it to identify with any race or ethnicity?

Certainly not for personal gain.

The only thing I don't mind being referred to is as a citizen of this country.

Because as a Malaysian, we are allowed to be, or pretend to be, anything we want.