Thursday, September 30, 2010

30 Minutes Over Broadway

I have half an hour before starting the day's grind.

Man, I could do with a massage. Maybe buy one of those Osim chairs or something. Use it as a work chair. Chairs are fucking expensive nowadays anyway. RM2,000 for an office chair? What the fuck?

I'm going for karaoke with friends this weekend. Maybe. And I have loads to do before next week.

Only thing keeping me sane is, I admit sheepishly, meditation. Whenever I confine myself to this body, there are problems. But when I realise my boundless existence, nothing can stop me.

Ah, well. I should be getting ready. I really should.

And The Sun Rises from the East

Again, I fell asleep on the chair and found myself in bed the next morning.

Yesterday, I met quite a few people. Some are those whose work philosophies mirrored mine, when I was younger. They are at the forefront of Malaysian filmmaking, though occupying a backseat role most of the time. Paradoxes - I walk among them.

I had dinner with a couple whom I've known since before they got married, as well as a little girl from a broken home.

The kid likes Magika, enjoyed it immensely. I asked her, what was her favourite part of the movie.

"When Ayu was talking to her mother's grave. Her mother is dead, see, and she was inside the grave."

She's not wearing Goth make-up yet, but that statement seems telling.

Smart kid, but the more I talk to her, the more I suspect the kind of trauma she went through and is going through.

As I went home last night, I was thinking, "Will she go to proper schools? Will she get proper guidance? Will she survive before she's 25?"

And then, at home, after taking a dump, I thought to myself, "Well, not my responsibility. Let's paaaaaar-tay! Uh! Uh!"

I am keeping my messiah complex in check. I shouldn't try to fix anyone.

Am working on stories about filmmaking and certain interesting projects I managed to dig up. The scene is vibrant, really. Lots of people are doing so many things. So many interesting projects. Revolutionary ones.

The only thing is to find them all. And in the darkness, bind them.


Gnothi Seauton

The title was an in scription on the door to the temple of an oracle at Delphi. It means, "Know Thyself".

Take it as you want, but I believe that it has nothing to do with narcissism but everything to do with facing yourself, for real.

I do not know why, but as I was lying on my bed and extremely comfortable mattress in my room just now, I felt compelled to write something about coming full circle. It's a bit too early, at 30, and perhaps a tad presumptuous to write about coming full circle, but somehow I am compelled to write this.

What? Well, I honestly don't know. Let's see what comes forth, shall we?

I was young, once. And foolish. I am still young, and sometimes do foolish things. But the insight I have gained throughout the years have been exdtremely rewarding.

I started my spiritual journey just interested in learning about myself. In my early 20s, I felt as if everything was one big weird de ja vu moment. As if I have gone through all these things before, and that I knew exactly what was going to happen, but had no power nor interest to change anything.

I was like Christian Walker from Brian Michael Bendis' comic book series Powers. Locked in my head. Conversations were useless, because I felt that I have had all conversations before. Everything was cliched. I was blase. Jaded. Bored.

And boredom, was my greatest enemy.

It would have been easy to stand at the precipice and just jump off, destroying my life, my existence and end up in a spiral of despair.

My very being was attuned to despair and desperation in people. I began sensing it in them, and manipulating it - playing with it - became a new game. I have an addictive personality - which is why I don't do drugs - and I was consumed by this.

I began to see people heading into the deepest, darkest, blackest pits of despair and I was waiting for them at the bottom.

The signs were very clear. To me. People who keep lying to themselves. Believing their own hype. People who run away and make excuses. Those who try to salve their injured egos with pathetic attempts.

I saw it. I took it in. All of it. And for a while, I was the Prince of their Darkness.

And for a while, it was good.

Then, something nagged me. This was not making me happy. Other people's misery simply added to my own.

So I went to Thailand, to seek The Truth. A lot of people expect me to post gaudy, lewd stories of Thai girls shooting ping pong balls from their vaginas. I'm sure you can find those in Thailand, but that was not the reason for my journey. Not the real one.

Thailand provided me space to breathe. To be. I was not stuck in the endless loop of anyone else's drama, or even my own.

I found solace simply eating at shoddy, roach-infested road-side stalls. I walked the streets at night, often alone, and was lost in thought.

I listened to the stories of the go go girls. I spoke to bartenders. I listened to the international community of expats.

The greatest thing was, still, the space to be alone. I began unraveling my own life tapestry. Analyzed it for a long while, over a period of several trips.

On one of those long walks, I saw myself. And is forever free.

Writer. Journalist. Editor. Scriptwriter. Motherfucker. Genius. Fool. Winner. Loser. Geek. Manager. Student. Teacher. Son. Destroyer of worlds. Lord of Destruction. All this, are labels.

They are aspects of me. Functions I perform. But ultimately, they are not me. Even the whole collection of labels do not make the contents.

So, what is I?

In Hindu scriptures, this is the very question asked. Dealing with identity and a sense of self.

"Ohmm. This word is the whole universe. It is explained that everything that is past, present and future, is Ohm. And whatever that is beyond these divisions of time, is also ohm. In the beginning, there was only the self like the person alone. Looking around, there was nothing save for itself. It first said, 'I am', and so came the name, 'I'. So now when it is asked, 'Who is there?', the answer is, 'It is I' and then gives whatever name he has. The self is afraid, as one who is alone is afraid. 'Since there is nothing beside myself, of what am I afraid?'"

The question was explored by Descartes, who said, 'cogito, ergo sum' - 'I think, therefore I am'. Sartre, many years later, upon reading Descartes, wrote, 'the self that thinks is not the one who says it is am'.

I shall not offend Muslims with my incomplete and inaccurate quotes from the Koran.

The thought lingered in my mind for years. Who is the observer, and whose perspective am I - and who is this I? - looking at the world?

It finally explained the sense of eternal de ja vu I had. I was not reincarnated into the same life. I was simply observing myself living life itself.

There is a self that is detached from common self. This, is the true self. The self that has labels applied on to it, is not true self. It is simply a projection of something more. Something else.

We are not our egos. We are not our thoughts. We are not our emotions. We are not that small.

"You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake! You are not your bank account! You are not the clothes you wear! You are not the contents of your wallet! You are not your grande latte! You are not your bowel cancer! You are not your fucking khakis!" said Tyler Durden in the movie Fight Club.

And he is right. These things are all just images. Illusory. Accumulated over time, and ephemereal.

In order to realise your self, you need to let go. Fighting them only makes them stronger.

You have to give up. You have to surrender. You need to accept it all. And transcend.

A sense of contentedness washes over me. Which me? The me that observes. The me that is aware. The me that is limitless, the me that is beyond definition. Beyond boundaries. The me that is free.

I don't know how this counts as coming full circle, but I no longer feel the compulsion to write this. I am going to do some work now. Cheers!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Kalau Aku Beli Kereta

Kalau aku beli kereta.

Apa keretanya? Berapa banyak aku nak belanja?

Ramai orang yang beli kereta, beli pasal gaya. Bergayalah sikit, katanya. KATANYA!

Ramai yang beli kereta pasal kereta tu sesuai dengan identitinya. Habis tu, kalau aku nak buat macam tu, adakah kereta aku banyak bijik kelentit dekat luar? Ada pantat bergetar dekat ekzos?

Ini, Pajero SWB (Short-Wheel Base). Aku memang suka.

Tapi... terlalu mahal dan takde kat Malaysia.

Kereta paling best pernah aku naik adalah Volkswagen Tuareg:

Tuareg ni, aku pernah masuk highway. Pastu musykil. Apasalll la semua kereta lain ni bawak 40km/h je? AKu tengok speedometer. Laaa. 140km/h rupanya Tuareg tu jalan. Tak rasa, beb! Macam naik Awan Guling!

CAPTION: Awan Guling

Masalahnya, kalau aku beli 4WD, mampus la nak bayar minyaknya. Maintenance lagi. Road-tax, insurance. Nak mampus? Makan pasir kot?

Kalau je lah. Hahahaha. Tunggulah aku ada duit. Hehehe.

Haiwan-Haiwan Dalam One Piece

Musang-Ayam. Ular-Katak. Katak Sumo berenang freestyle. Siput Peniru. Pedang-Gajah (pedang yang termakan Buah Gajah).

Burung kompas (sentiasa menunjuk ke arah Great Blue).

Dan banyak lagi!

Hikmat Carutan Ketenteraman dan Ketenangan Abadi: 980,000HP


Bapak ko suka rogol mak ko pakai anjing! Bapak ko suka jilat jubur taik anjing! Mak ko suka mengawan dengan anjing!

Mak ko suka kalau anjing tu terlebih dahulu menjilat BIJIK KELENTITNYA! JILAT BIJIK KELENTIT SAMPAI PANCUT AIR KENCING!

Ingat, teknik yang sebenar bukanlah hisap BIJIK KELENTIT! Tapi, JILAT BIJIK KELENTIT! Bukan hisap, tapi jilat.

Puki mak kau berdaki warna coklat! Tak pernah cukur bulu puki sejak 1978. Masa ko lahir dulu, kena pakai pasukan pencari pasal kau sesat dalam bulu puki!

Bulu puki mak kau punyalah lebat, dulu komunis tarik orang masuk dalam bulu puki mak kau!

Tentera Amerika Syarikat pernah tersalah mendarat, bukan di Vietnam, tapi kat bulu pantat mak kau yang tebal sangat sampai Agent Orange pun tak boleh nak nipiskan!

Tinju Maut Pukimak Laut! 990,000HP!

Mak kau main gitar pakai BIJIK KELENTIT!

Tabiat Mengawan Berukera Dari Planet Zargus

Aku tengah makan malam tadi, bila sekumpulan Berukera dari Planet Zargus duduk di meja sebelah aku dan mula menjerit dengan suara yang lantang dan jelas, seperti bacaan izhar halki.



Aku (bercakap sorang-sorang): Takleh diam sikit ke? Aku nak baca Wira Tunggal la.




Berukera Betina 1: UUH-UUH-AAHH AAHHH-AHHHH!!!


Aku(masih bercakap kat diri sendiri): Memang pukimak anjing betul la mak bapak korang ni. Tak reti bahasa betul. NAH! PISANG!

Dan aku pun campak pisang yang datang entah dari mana, seperti deus ex machina sahaja layaknya.

Berukera-berukera tersebut semuanya pergi mengejar pisang di tengah jalanraya lalu dilanggar oleh lori kari.

Pergilah mampus!

Pukimak punya berukera dari Planet Zargus.


Here I am, at 4am, giggling to myself.

With glee. No, not Glee. Just glee.

I don't know why, but I am.

Really does feel like everything finally makes sense.

I spent years trying to figure out shit.

First thing I learned when I became a real adult was to face myself. Most people - even smart ones - can't really look at themselves. Have a real honest look. The getting real phase.

So many I saw, were in delusion, denial, dementia, mired in duplicity and deceit. And so was I.

My dementia, took years to crack. To understand. Long story. Too long. You won't read it.

Then, it was grappling with desire. Years. Years. Desire is always poison. Always. Any desire. Dreams is something else. Dreams are the great saviors.

And then, it was awareness.

Everything builds up. Everything fits. Do I have the answers to everything? I don't. But I'm getting there.

Lord of Destruction: I Will Destroy You!

I am the Lord of Destruction, and in front of me right now are some chocolate buns. Sweetie Buns.

I Will Destroy You!



Some stuff from Magika, a movie I wrote together with Edry KRU.

The best thing about it, though, which is not available on Youtube, are the credits. Muahahaha!

Thanks to all who were involved, and thanks to all who watched, are watching or will watch this musical.

The Addams Family

I believe that it is a ubiquitous thing, having your elder, dying family members being accused of keeping ghosts and spirits.

In an effort to do some rudimentary research on ghosts and the supernatural, I turned to my family, which has been accused of 'bela hantu' before. If possible and interesting enough, I wanted to turn it into a documentary or a series of documentaries.

I found nothing.

The thing is, my family members who do not drink, take drugs or eat too much, all live to be very old before they die.

I might be wrong, but my paternal grandfather lived till he was 90++. Most of my uncles passed their 70th birthdays before they die. The youngest to die was in his 50s, I think. Women live longer. Slightly.

Normal human lifespan, I might add.

But to some idiots, whenever they see an ailing old person, that is a sure sign of supernatural powers at work.

I was told, when one of my relatives was terribly sick, that 'that one will not die until we perform certain pagan rituals'. That person died without having any of the said rituals because no one wanted to pay.

Please disregard my (dis)beliefs of the supernatural. I do not mean to impose my beliefs on anyone, and what I believe in is irrelevant.

What I am saying here is about the extremely rude accusations on my family that we harbor evil spirits.

I mean, my family members are naturally good-looking. Just because we retain our good looks till we are of old age, does not mean we wear susuk or keep hantu raya. We're just lucky, some of us.

Most people in the family have never starved or get into real serious 'I-can't-afford-food' scenarios. You'll be surprised about how many people complain of extreme poverty, where I come from. We're quite lucky, blessed, and most of us in the family have hardworking genes hardwired into our brains.

We do not keep 'toyols' to steal money from others.

And then, people who do bad things to us usually get their comeuppance. This is not due to us sending any offensive ghosts their way, but simply due to the fact that people who do evil things tend to have bad things happen to them.

That's a law of the universe.

Try it. Do something evil to someone. Talk bad about them behind their back, and never give them a chance to defend themselves. And then prepare a countdown as to when bad things start to happen to you.

Have your evil intentions. Please do. Act them out. See what happens.

How do you know whether you have evil intentions or not? Well, the first trick I learned as an adult was to face myself. Really, really, ask my own self for The Truth. What am I doing. Why I'm doing it. Who I'm doing it too. If anything bothers your conscience, then you have done something bad. Get real, motherfucker.

If you do not discover any evil intentions, then you are bullshitting yourself. Everyone has evil intentions. It's just a question of how you react to that.

So yeah, I got no ghosts. I tried to get some, cause I thought with superpowers, I can make money. But my family has none. Am not saying ghosts exist or don't. That's not the point. Point is, my family does not harbour any evil spirits.

And if any of our elder members start dying, and is not dead yet, that's not because he or she has any 'hantu raya' or 'jembalang tanah'. It simply means that with our genes, it is difficult for us to die.

Accuse my family again of harbouring any evil spirits, and I will summon all the demons of the underworld and send them to you. I will open the gates of hell and throw you in.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Goodwill to All

It is easy to wish for good stuff to people, when you are contented and happy.

So, I am taking this opportunity, while I am contented and happy, to wish you all well.

Truthfully, my world and my life have been made easier and a bit more friendly with the direct or indirect contributions and actions from a lot of people.

Thai go gos, Thai girls, Thai people, Malaysians, white and black and brown people. The good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful.

As I wrote weeks ago, I believe that everything that happens - good or bad or however we decide to make of things - is necessary to get us to awareness.

If I say too much, then some of the message would be lost and some might accuse me of gloating. I am not. I am merely sharing what I am thinking, feeling and experiencing at this present moment. The next moment will be different, and I don't know how.

So, while I am happy and contented, I wish you all well. I hope that everyone gets to see The Truth early. I pray that everyone of you finds whatever it is that you are looking for. And that you are not too damaged when you reach the final destination.

With a clear conscience and an open heart, I wish you well.


My Day by Amir Hafizi

I went to my assignment this morning and kept tabs on other stories I am doing. It's like juggling, while holding your breath.

And then, there was a meeting with an actor friend at 5pm. I was getting some stuff, information, from him.

We talked till almost 10, when my next appoint ment cancelled. So, I am now back home to write.

Just to relax from all that writing and thinking, I am, well, writing this. Hahahaha.

I've been out since 9am, so I've been working for 11 and a half hours, with more hours waiting for me at home.

For some reason, I do not feel tired. I will, later, but for now, I'm just coasting.

Thanks to all who made this a good day.


Masuk Bakul Angkat Sendiri: Ulasan Cheepork

Semalam, dalam kereta, Cheepork cakap kat aku.

"Okaylah, Magika, untuk filem Malaysia."

"Oh, okay," kata aku.

"Aku rasa macam Mirrormask," kata Cheepork.

"Ummm... Tak macam Labyrinth?" jantung aku dah berdegup kencang.

"Tak, Mirrormask."

"Maksud kau, kau menyamakan aku macam Dewa Penulisan Neil Gaiman, yang menulis Mirrormask? Aku, setaraf dengan Neil Gaiman? Akulah penulis paling hebat dalam alam semesta? Kau cakap kerja aku sama macam Dewa yang menulis Sandman? Mr Punch? Stardust?"

"Lantak ko lah."

Semalam, susah nak keluar dari kereta Cheepork. Pasal bontot aku dah kembang. Hahahahaha.

Kelana Penulis Skrip Jalangan

Semalam aku tengok Magika lagi, pasal aku pernah janji nak belanja orang opis aku tengok, kalau filem yang aku tulis keluar.

Aku taknak ajak ramai sangat, pasal bukan aku dapat tiket free pun. Kalau aku ajak mamat ni, aku kena ajak kumpulan ni. Kalau aku ajak minah tu, kena ajak kumpulan tu pulak.

Kalau tidak, merajuk atau kecik ati. Aku pernah kena. Aku tau le.

Jadi, last-last aku ajak tiga orang je. Pastu tambah member-member aku.

Diorang okay je dengan filem tu, aku tengok.

Ari sebelum tu, mak aku pergi tengok. Bapak aku sakit, jadi tak boleh pergi. Kakak aku, abang aku dengan anak-anak sedara aku pergi. Happy je diorang. Anak sedara aku mintak CD muzik Magika. Nak OST katanya.

Yang kelakarnya, aku tulis skrip dah lama, beb. Sejak tahun 2003 lagi, sebelum aku jadi wartawan. Dulu aku buat skrip kartun. Jual kat Middle East kot? AKu pun tak tau apa jadi. Hahaha.

Walhal, filem pertama aku keluar dah lama. MySpy. Arahan Afdlin Shauki. Gua tak kecoh pun?

Tulis skrip ni bukan glamour pun. Berapa orang penulis skrip yang ko kenal? Okay, berapa orang penulis skrip HOLLYWOOD yang ko kenal? Muahahaha.

Itupuuuun ada yang dengki.

"Ni ko tulis ke ni?"

"Eh, ko tulis skrip ke? Banyak ke dia bayar? Kaya la ko sekarang? Apasal tak beli kereta?"

"Kereta apa ko nak beli?"

"Bapak sedara aku pun dulu tulis skrip gak. Mati miskin."

Hahahaha. Rilek la bro. Bukan aku menang Academy Award lagi. Hahahahaha.

Kalau ko jeles sangat, pergilah tulis skrip sendiri. Ko tau camana aku start menulis skrip?

"Eh, ko suka menulis kan?"


"Ko nak tulis skrip?"

"Oh, okay."

Hahahaha. Camtu je. Tahun 2003. Hahaha.

AKu jarang tolak kerja menulis. Pasal aku memang suka menulis. Sekarang ni je aku kena mintak ampun dan maaf, banyak benda aku kena tolak. Pasal aku sibuk. Sibuk pun, pasal aku iyakan saja bila orang mintak aku buat itu-ini.

Tapi, kalau projek tu menarik, memang aku akan buat. Aku ambik kerja menulis pun, asalnya pasal aku tak pernah menulis skrip macam tu. Tak pernah buat benda camni. Aku tulis novel pun, pasal aku tak pernah tulis buku sebelum tu.

Selagi benda tu menarik minat aku, memang aku akan tulis.

Ada beberapa lagi filem yang aku tulis skripnya, bakal akan keluar atau bakal diterbitkan. Hikayat Merong Mahawangsa dan Ribbit bawah KRU. Ada satu cerita lagi, bawah satu kompeni lain.

Lepas tu, aku ingat nak arahkan sendiri la, skrip aku. Bukan apa. Aku tak pernah mengarah. Jadi penerbit ada la sikit-sikit. AKu nak try arah satu atau dua filem. Kalau jalan, aku nak buat sepuluh, lepas tu aku nak tidur. Muahahahaha.


I wanna fuck you in the ass!

Tringtingting, Tringtingting.

I wanna fuck you in the ass!

Tringtingting, Tringtingting.

I wanna-I wanna

I wanna fuck you in the ass!

Tringtingting, Tringtingting.

Opening the Gates of Hell

I wanted to spend the entire night writing, but fell asleep on the chair, and somehow mysteriously made my way to the bed, where I found myself this morning.

As a result, I couldn't finish stuff I planned to do last night, and I woke up energised.

Oh well. One thing at a time, then. It's been a while since I had a good night's sleep anyway.

I have three things today. A movie preview at 10.30am, a meeting with an actor at 5pm, and a singer at 8pm.

In-between all this, I will write and finish stuff I wanted to do last night and today.

I told you I am a demon of hard work. Muahahahaha!

So you wanna be a writing superstar? No house, no cars?


I am watching Sherlock - was a fan of Doyle when I was a small kid - when the housekeeper said something that caught my ear.

"Are we collecting for charities, Mr Holmes?"


"There are men with crates of books downstairs."

It seems that my idea of collecting books for charity is neither novel nor original.

Ah, well.

Sleight of Hand

I just came back from a dinner-movie night I threw for three friends. There was supposed to be seven of us, but only three could make it.

It was, of course, a movie I wrote - Magika. I don't normally throw dinner-movie nights.

I must say, that this second time watching it is better than the first. I allowed myself to enjoy it - the songs, Diana Danielle, the jokes - and I suspect that the rest enjoyed it as well.

The usually cynical Cheepork even said that it was all right.

So now, I'm watching Sherlock - a British production of Sherlock Holmes in contemporary London.


Monday, September 27, 2010

Messiah Complex: The Last Anarchist

My vision of the future is one without leaders. Not without order, but without leaders.

After a period of verwirrung - war - there will come a time of ordnung or true order. Voluntary order.

The price would be steep. Many people would die. Raped. Beaten up.

Where the majority would really rule, and that important decisions are not just the privilege of the few, but belongs to more people.

Development would be slowed. The economy would stagnate. More people will die.

Damn. Anarchy works as an ideal, but doing the maths, when the number of deaths come into the equation - who will be responsible for all this? Well, we will. And that scares too many people. Muahahaha.

Oh well. Maybe we just need a nuclear war. Start over with the roaches.

When it Rains...

I am the Bringer of Rain!

I am Spartacus!

I am sleepy! A nap before my next thing?

Rods and Cones: COD

When a coroner or a doctor checks for vital signs, one of the easiest ways to determine if someone is alive is by shining a light directly into their eyes. If the pupils do not constrict - something even the best-trained yogis can't control - then the person is dead.

Petechiae on the face and eyes are a sign of a death by asphyxiation. They are thought to result from an increase of pressure in the veins of the head and damage to blood vessels.

Discolouration in the eyes can indicate some sort of toxin, as do the classic white rings on fingernails (arsenic). Breath that smells of almonds also indicate poison.

I'm eating almonds now. Am I poisoned?

Bobby Heenan

The part of the brain that controls vision is at the back of the cereberum, just above the cerebelum, which controls balance.

So, when hitting someone's head, connecting with the back of it is a sound strategy. It is not as protected by the skull as the frontal lobe and causes disturbances in vision, as well as balance.

Actually, in a fight, the best places to hit would be the groin, the solar plexus - as behind the solar plexus is the diaphragm. Bruising it or crushing it will render the opponent unable to breathe, either temporarily or forever - as well as the trachea and the sides of the ribcage, as a broken rib can puncture the lungs, causing death by drowning in your own fluids, or secondary drowning. One emergency treatment is to poke a hole in the collapsed lung and allowing the fluid to be drained from the body, and then re-inflating the lung by blowing into it.

I think.

A little bit of knowledge is more dangerous than no knowledge.

Cones and Rods

I find it easier talking to people from the Western world. When you talk to anyone raised primarily in Western countries, it is best to look at them directly in the eye.

Asians, we tend to look at other places, because looking directly into one's eyes is sometimes considered rude. I made that mistake when I came to KL. Manye people became uncomfortable when speaking to me cause I fixed a straight gaze at their eyes.

Some, were accusing me of trying to disern whether they are lying - and they usually do lie.

The thing is, when you look at someone's eyes, you can decipher a few things.

A dilated pupil means that the eye wants to take in more of its surroundings, or even, the subject in front of it - you. A constricted pupil means a physical rejection. Fear.

When the self is accessing the brain's creative side - the left (or is it the right?) - the pupils would involuntarily move to the upper left (or is it right?) and when acessing memory - the right (or left), it goes the other way.

It is not an exact science, but I have found it useful to glean useless information, facts and truths.

For example:

1. People lie. A lot.

2. People are afraid. Of many things.

Right on. Time to get back to work.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

For the Man Who Has Everything: The Next Generation

I see my nephews, and I get worried.

They are born into a stupid world, where idiots and idiocy are lauded, and smart people take laudanum and try to kill themselves.

A world where it takes a superhuman effort to make it awesome.

When they were born, everyone came and told me I have good-looking nephews. It's a stupid thing, to me. You should see whether the kids are smart or not. Their looks are irrelevant. What, are they gonna be go-go boys or butty-boys or something? Are they going to be man-whores? I don't think so.

The family values intelligence. If you're an idiot, we cast you out. You have no right to be in the gene pool.

Years later, they prove to be quite smart, but there are no institution in Malaysia that can handle smart kids. I went to some of the best, and I found all of them lacking.

Will they be taught formally, to rely on themselves? Will they understand that most people will be out to destroy you? They will offer you drugs and sex and money to entice you to sell your soul.

I have seen so many people corrupted beyond measure. So many people corrupting themselves. Drunk with power, poisoned by desire. Lost in an unending spiral of insecurities, hate and spite.

Will they learn to appreciate The Truth?

Well, at the end of the day, they're not my kids. I'm not responsible for them. Ultimately, they will have to be responsible for themselves. They'll have to find their own way. I hope they don't get hurt, but maybe some pain would be good for them.

At least it will shake them from humanity's delusions.

For the Man Who Has Everything

I grew up in a swamp. One day, the swamp was going to explode, so my parents put me in a prototype rocket and sent me to KL. Now, absorbing KL's pollution, I have powers others don't.

No. That didn't happen.

I was a geek in Kuantan, when I was bitten by a radioactive journalist, giving me the thing's proportionate intelligence.

Nah, that's not it.

I was testing the effects of swamp gases, when an explosion occured and I saved some stupid guy by throwing him into a trench. Caught in the blast of swamp gases, whenever I become angry or lose my control over my emotions, I turn into this incredible... thing.

Nope. That's not it.

My parents were gunned down before my very eyes. Now, I dress up like a bat.

No, no, no.

The truth is, I lived a normal childhood. As normal as it can get, in a swamp. The swamp kids had very little to offer me. So I stayed home and watched TV. I learned language from TV, cause back then the cartoons did not have dubbings. And read books.

My parents are not the best in the world. In fact, I believe they should not have married, let alone have kids. They're not the worst, either. They're just regular folk.

I don't blame them or anything, but I doubt they knew what to do with the four of us. Plus, some of us are extremely smart and they didn't know what to do with extremely smart kids.

I was not a difficult child. I saw what happened to my brother - the original rebel - and resolved not to get into as much trouble.

All four of us had an instinctive understanding, even when we were very young, that our parents were ill-equipped, at least financially, to support us all the way.

So we all left home when we were 12. Not in bitterness, not with anger, or fear, but with a sense for adventure and a yearning for freedom and independence.

My mother was a repressed woman, being a housewife all those years. SHe's smart, but never had a chance to be all she could have been. My father never had a home of his own, growing up, moving around all his life. So staying put and perfecting his home was a major issue with the man.

Us kids? It's always been about freedom. Seeing my mother, watching her as we grew up, the women in my family became extremely independent and strong. I hardly have ever met stronger women. Or smarter people. In their own capacity. They don't need men. They did not fall into the trap that in order for a woman to be successful, her pussy must be able to attract a dick.

We, the men, meanwhile - including my father - have learned to be cool and aloof. We know that the rules favour us, but we hardly if ever used it to gain unfair advantage. I mean, men can get away with almost anything. Abuse, irresponsibility, yadda yadda yadda. It's simple. Just blame the women. It is expected of us, right?

Well, we're not monkeys. We don't travel in groups, afraid of the wooly mammoth. We're just like, whatever, man.

I'll continue this later tonight. Have loads to do, and the first task is to take a dump.

Man-Woman Interface

I was sitting down with a man the other day who said to me, "You know what, all women are stupid."

I was like, "Ummm...well..."

Man: What, you don't agree with me? Are you a man?

Me: Well...

Man: No, are you a man?

Me: What has that got to do with anything?

And then, a few days later, I was with a woman.

Woman: You know what?

Me: What?

Woman: All men are stupid.

Me: You know what?

Woman: What?

Me: You're all the same. Both men and women are stupid. There.

Woman: Then what are you? Are you a man?

Me: See?

Woman: Answer me - are you a man?

Me: If I say yes, are you going to suck my dick and iron my clothes?

Woman: You're a pondan! Pondan!

Me: I'm n- ah, whatever lah.

Woman: Pondan! Pondan! Pondan!


I've been following this guy's career for some time now, and I must say that his music is maturing into something good. I enjoyed both the song as well as the message. As well as all his other songs.

It is a bit too young and angst-ridden at times, but hey, who am I to talk?

If he's not dead or end up in prison, and if he learns to navigate life enough, I believe Namewee has the potential to make a name for himself. Geddit?

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Easy. Breezy. Beautiful - Cover Girl!

Don't hate me cause I'm beautiful! Muahahaha!

Just had dinner. I have many things I still need to do, and I will divide them for various deadlines.

I also need to force some rest into all this, cause there's nothing better to sabotage work plans than being really tired and not being able to cope.

So I'm planning to just chill for a few hours before I start the nightly grind.

Today, I have already completed two tasks. Yeah, amidst the incessant blogging and Facebook, I manage to do work.

See, writing online is like taking a dump. Whenever I write anything, it comes with it a lot of excess ideas, thoughts, emotions that has to go somewhere. Since I don't have a live-in whore-maid (read: wife), or even believe in the concept, I just writing online shit for free is the best way.

One day, I'll find a way for everyone to write online and make money out of it.

Watch out for more pop psychology, after this.


Baa Baa Black Sheep

Just got back from lunch. I am drowsy as hell.

I'll take a nap before the night rush.

Dinner, and then night rush, I think. Still have loads to do.

Basic Instincts: Lies

As a worshipper of The Truth, I have a natural aversion to lies and liars.

They make me sick. Literally. So I avoid them as much as I can. No worries there.


Without liars in my life, there are no idiots who constantly go on the fool's errand of trying to twist The Truth.

Everything is clear and peaceful and ultimately more enjoyable. It's easier, really.

All Structures are Not Safe

The title, is a Sufi thing. 'All structures are not safe' refers to the impermanence of everything.

Hinduism talks of 'yugas' which are basically cycles, eras, of things, people and Gods. Usually Gods.

Buddhism talks about how everything is not permanent. How things are in a constant state of flux. This, too, shall pass.

Omnia mutantur, nihil inherit (everything changes, nothing is truly lost), wrote God of Writing Neil Gaiman.

"Sit on the riverbanks long enough, and you will see the bodies of your enemies floating by," wrote Sun Tzu.

Given a long enough timeline, everybody's survival rate drops to zero - Tyler Durden.

Oh, it's true, it's true - Kurt Angle.

I am now in a state of peace and happiness. As with all states, and as with everything, this will one day pass.

I'm happy now, but one day, maybe some who are jealous of me would come and try to poke me. I might allow my ego to take over and react to their idiocy.

Something bad might happen. Some people might die, and I might allow myself to be consumed with sadness and hatred.

I don't know what will happen in the future.

I do know that I am happy now, even with the realisation that someday, this, too, shall pass.


On this Saturday afternoon, my heart is full and I just want to thank Thailand.

Thank you, Thailand, for being there when I most needed you. Thanks for the smiles. Thanks for the food. The drinks. Thanks for the wonderful... people.

Most of all, thank you for the most amazing journey and fantastic adventures a young man could ever ask for. And more.

I will always love you. May the light shine forever.

The World is Just Awesome

I woke up today, hungry, and I know exactly what I want to eat - Nasi Dalca.

It's rice, cooked with herbs and spices. It's not Nasi Beryani or anything, but it's just superb. The texture, the aroma, are simply fantastic. The taste is a bit bland, so you eat it with rich curry or salty fried chicken.

Damn good stuff, man.

I now have loads to do, and many people to meet. This is my weekend, but I got two meetings today. I work on Sundays, so tomorrow I have an assignment in the afternoon, I think, as well as some stories to do.

You know what? I lead a pretty amazing life. And I live, in an awesome world.

O Ye of Little Faith

So I was at a soiree - a dinner party, of sorts - the other day with some friends who are leaving for Australia next week.

Friend1: You look more alive than usual. So how are things?

Me: Things are okay.

Friend2: How's your pop psychology?

Me: Oh, fine.

Friend1: Do you get angry anymore?

Me: Yes.

Friend2: Then it's not working! What you believe in is WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

Friend1: Cause, cause, cause, if it is really as how you say it is, then you wouldn't get angry or feel sad. Or, or, or.

Me: Yes?

Friend1: Or... I dunno.

Friend2: Why are you smiling? Don't you have anything to say?

Me: Nope.

Friend2: So you're a fake, that's what you are! A goddamn fake!

Me: ... So when's your flight next week?

Friend1: Wait. Are you going to write this on your blog?

Me: Yes.

Friend1: No!

Me: Why?

Friend1: Because you'll make us look and sound so stupid!

Me: How?

Friend1: By writing what we said!

Me: Will I write anything that you did not say?

Friend2: No lah. But you know...

Me: I know what? That if you read what you've said, you will see what you have actually said?

Friend1: ...

Friend2: ...

Me: SO, when's your flight next week?


There are rumours that cartoonist Zunar was arrested for his editorial cartoons.

If so, I intend to go for his hearing, and pick up fresh NGO chicks. I mean, I intend to go to his hearing and show support for freedom of speech.

"The problem with freedom of speech," said God of Writing Neil Gaiman, "is that we also have to fight for speech we don't agree with."

I was a fan of Zunar's work in the early '90s, until he began turning it into an uninteresting political hogwash that seems to lambast the administration just for the sake of lambasting the administration.

The major crime, the way I see it, is in making crappy, unfunny cartoons. But never should we allow any censorship to take hold. Though I do draw the line with child pornography and under-age prostitution. I mean, if 20-year-olds don't know how to give blowjobs properly, how would you expect a 13-year-old to even give a basic handjob?

No child pornography.

No child prostitution.

No censorship.

No crappy cartoons.

I will go, preferrably if there is an offer to provide me with transportation. Preferrably by a hot chick not wearing any underwear. I can pay for part of the fuel, toll, as well as some incidentals along the way. No need for loom. I live alone in an apartment.

The Lightbringer

And they wrap themselves around lies, hoping that the lies would make them smarter, better, but all lies ever do is make people bitter.

As I am the smartest man in the world, a lot of people try to lie to me because they think that if they manage to do that, then they would be smarter than me.

I enter their world for a while and, finding it infinitely boring and banal, shallow and stupid, left. Forever.

I got a lot of other shit to do, man. I busied myself with stuff that could be part of the solution to everything.

A notorious planner, I always, always have a plan. They hardly ever come true, but turn out better than I could ever hope for, most of the time.

I believe in some form of karma. What you put out into the world comes back to you. I have always made sure that my intentions and my actions are motivated by good. There are times for evil, and I use that sparingly.

It's not about being good or evil, but being conscious and aware. The awareness is a goal that, when achieved, will be the solution to everything.

Sometimes, I do feel like Lucifer, or Prometheus the Bringer of Fire. Punished for my good intentions and sense of justice, right and wrong.

But my pathos and self-pity pretty soon makes way for Lucifer's will, and Prometheus' faith in humanity.

I am the Morningstar. The Lightbringer. And before my evensong, you shall know my name as THA LORDY-LORD! WHen I lay my vengeance upon thee!


Friday, September 24, 2010

Eat. Pray. Fuck: Thailand Tales

I begin to remember more lessons from my Thailand travels. It could just be that my memories are justifying what I currently think, but small matter. It's like saying, you rationalise what you understand through tainted memories and unreliable recollection.

Do I have the answers to the universe? No, I don't. However, I do know what works and what doesn't, for me.

Once, I was eating at a roach-infested stall in Bangkok. Prawn fried rice, Thai-style. After dinner, you could see roaches coming in and eating the leftover morsels of prawns on our plates.

But the lady manning the stall was friendly enough. Though her face did look like a cracked coconut.

"Where you from?"


"Wah, Malaysia, petrol cheap-cheap."

She then began to explain how she had to sell her car and move to another place, as well as get another job because of the economic crisis as well as the hike in petroleum prices.

As she told her tale of woe, she was smiling all the way.

"That's a sad story. Why do you look so happy?"

"Because I am here today. Alive. And I'm talking to you!"

That just made all the problems I had back then seem silly and inconsequential.

No matter what happens, you're still alive. And while you can never change the past, or people, you still have today and with it, you can shape all your tomorrows.

"You want to go to loom? I boom-boom in your loom!"

"Err... No, thanks."

Eat. Pray. Lick

Jack Nicholson is right. Some people just can't handle The Truth.

Whenever I show people The Truth, some would just run away.

I understand that a world of lies and deceit is more comforting. For now. Being delusional releases you from true responsibility. For now.

However, since the true purpose for humans is to awaken, they will face The Truth sooner or later. Either through awareness, or when you die.

Imagine that. You're on your death bed, or in a burning car. And an instant before your death, you finally understand that everything you've ever thought was important actually - in the end - does not matter one bit.

That since God can exist anywhere, it also exists within you. God can exist AS you. You do not become God, but God becomes you. God experiences the universe through you.

Ghosts can't harm you, because there is God within you. People can't hurt you, because they can never harm God. Thoughts, emotions, blah blah blah. They all don't really matter to the God who sees through you.

Hindus call this Atman - the in-dwelling God. Buddhists call it your Buddha nature. Christians have a saying about how the Kingdom of Heaven is within you.

And if God experiences things through you, what have you been allowing it to experience? Hatred? Anger? Pettiness? Jealousy?

At the end of the day, please don't be jealous of me, or try to compete with me. I am The Truth, the light and the way.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to take a crap.

Rota Fortuna: Revolutions

And so the wheel of life turns.

People who focus on their positions on the wheel always live in fear. Always compare their lives to other people. And are always, always insecure.

My travels to Thailand have always been spiritual in nature. For me. Different people get different things, see?

Being in Thailand always gets me to a deeper, more basic level where I could examine and view everything without the complex delusional structures that permeate so-called 'thinking'.

In my travels, I have seen the future, and what a strange future it is.

Just had to say that. It's from 'The Prestige'. Great movie.

Anyway, I will forever have a soft-spot for Thais, especially Thai girls, for the spiritual awakenings they have helped start in me.

My hang-ups with heaven and hell. My problems with what other people say. My distaste for liars and the stupid idiots who fall for such obvious cons.

A lot of stuff, really.

The funny thing is, some of the lessons I have carried with me and I didn't understand until later on.

I am quite jubilant at the moment, and it has a lot to do with a lesson I learned or perhaps furthered, in Thailand.

I was pissed off at a white dude who mocked and made fun of me in Phuket. I was trying to get them to my favourite massage parlour and having some success with other groups, I decided to do the same with these guys.

They simply accosted me. I got really angry. So angry, that my favourite masseuse had to persuade me to go in and have my regular session.

As she massaged me, I ranted about that group, and then started making all these racist comments about white people.

The masseuse simply went on with her Thai massage.

At some point, I stopped talking and asked her, the small woman with strong hands, "Doesn't it bother you at all?"

She smiled, for this was a land for that, and said, "Whatever they say or do, they cannot change my past or my present or my future. They cannot change me. They cannot change The Truth."

I was like,"..."

And then, "So, what do you do, when facing evil, spiteful stupid people?"

"As I do with other people. I face them when the time calls for me to face them. And when they are gone, I let everything go. They may have a more difficult life to lead. Who knows what troubles others, absorbed we are with our own situation."

Suddenly, I felt sheepish. Embarrassed by my ranting. Wanting to do her a favour, I asked for a blowjob, and that is another story for another time.

And here I am, six years later, just beginning to understand that. But it works!

In Pursuit of Busy-ness

I am most potent when I am busy. I can't survive lazing about doing nothing, until I retire, when doing nothing is exactly what I want to do.

I've been working almost four hours straight. Have an early morning assignment tomorrow, so I'll be sleeping soon.

Man, this week has been crazy. My second movie Magika got released. I wrote the script. It is the second of my KRU trilogy, with the first being MySpy and the third is Hikayat Merong Mahawangsa.

I started something new today, which I think I'll enjoy doing. Tomorrow, I have some deadlines to catch and a few meetings to finalise some stuff.

Earlier this week, I received some offers on some stuff, which I think I'll take. It's high time I start directing and/or producing my own movies. Scriptwriting is a joy and sometimes a chore, but at this stage in my filmmaking career, I want to do more. More joy, more control, more burden of responsibility.

One day, my shoulders will buckle under all this. But right now, everything seems to be just right.

I'm just walking, for now. One day, I will run. And sprint. And fly.

Right now, I'm just walking, baby. Just walking.


Better than Sin City?

Kerja Yang Banyak

Aku banyak kerja, jadi aku pun pergi makan, berak, mandi, buat air, hisap rokok, rasa macam nak main game, baca Rocky's Bru, cas telefon, ejas kerusi, buang sampah, berak sekali lagi, tengok muka aku kat cermin, pandang kat portable hard drive aku, apa-apa ajelah, asalkan aku tak bekerja.

Bila aku ada banyak kerja, aku akan mula melengah-lengahkan masa.

Sebab ego aku tahu, kalau aku start, aku takkan berenti. Alang-alang menyeluk puki, biar sampai ke biji kelentit.

Chais! Kau ingat kemalasan boleh menggugat aku? Raja Syaitan? Cheis!


Akulah Syaitan Bekerja! Takdelah syaitan yang lebih best dari aku, melainkan aku sahaja.

Sasaran: PTPTN Sifar 2010.

Kage Bunshin No Jutsu

I buzzed a few friends to set up some meetings, and I found that my schedule is full.

Oh, my.

Between my day job and my 'excursions', I barely have enough empty slots to do shit.

I have also allocated some time for potential projects that might or might not come, but other than that, I'm swamped. Which is how I like to operate.

A few years ago, I piled on project after project on top of one another. I only get to see them later. Much, much later.

Today, I was rushing across town, spent six hours at a thing, came back, had a long phone meeting and then passed out on the bed.

However, as master of time and space, I'm going to do some magic now and make a few tasks disappear, and get more stuff to well, apparate!

I am the Devourer of Worlds. And when this momentum builds, I become the Unstoppable Juggernaut. Way to mix my comic-book superheroes up, but yeah!

But now, some dangdut.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Buku La Pulak

Aku nak tulis buku la pulak. Siapa nak bayar aku RM2 juta?

Amir Hafizi: Fully Booked

Oh yeah, baby.

Beyond Magika

Semasa aku diajak untuk menulis Magika, yang ada cuma beberapa babak, dan idea kasar. Aku nak masukkan banyak lagi kisah rakyat yang aku rasa dah terbiar dan takde sapa ingat.

Namun, selepas mendapat tahu yang orang zaman sekarang ni, Pak Pandir pun tak kenal - ko pun akan terperanjat betapa tak tahunya dan siapa tak tahu Pak Pandir tu sapa - keputusan dibuat untuk mengetengahkan cerita rakyat yang senang dikenali.

Kalau ikutkan ini senarai watak dongeng yang hendak aku pakai tapi tak jadi. Kalau korang senang, cari dan ceritakan kat anak-anak korang:

1. Lebai Malang

2. Sang Kancil dan rakan-rakan

3. Petir(anak) dan Guruh (emak)

4. Kuda Hijau (Lagenda Kuda Hijau. Korang tak pernah baca?)

5. Sang Kelembai

6. Gergasang

7. Pak Kadok

8. Dan lain-lain

Tanah ni, negara ni, kaya dengan banyak cerita dongeng. Aku baca semua ni, masa aku kecik-kecik dulu. Aku duduk dekat perpustakaan. Mak bapak aku pun banyak bercerita.

Sebenarnya, aku agak hairan kenapa kisah dongeng tak diceritakan kepada budak-budak. Orang tua pun banyak dah tak tahu.

Aku ada beberapa cerita lagi yang aku fikir boleh difilemkan, untuk mengetengahkan dongeng Melayu. Sesetengahnya dah separuh siap skripnya. Sesetengahnya perlukan dana.

Kita tengok dalam masa beberapa tahun lagi, kalau semua yang aku rancangkan berjaya dan aku berupaya menerbitkan cerita-cerita ini.

Berdiri Bulu Romaku

Hetty Koes Endang, yo!

Banyak Kerja

Aku sibuk.


Noir Dangdut: Mbah Dukun

Mampukah aku mengajar orang? Kalau diri sendiri pun belum penuh?

Hari ini amat unik. Aku pergi mengajar orang, lepas tu aku pinta diajar. Hahaha.

Pasal detik kita tamat menjadi pelajar, ketika tamat belajar, adalah masa kita mati.

Aku percaya yang maklumat dan pengalaman harus dikongsi. Aku tahu apa yang aku tahu sekarang pun, pasal ramai yang memberi aku maklumat, pengetahuan, nasihat dan pengalaman.

Orang yang kedekut, takkan ke mana. Orang yang takut, takkan jadi apa.

Kalau pasal idea, ilmu dan pengalaman, lagi banyak ko kongsi, lagi banyak ko dapat. Dan walaupun itu betul, bukanlah sepatutnya menjadi sebab utama.

Aku mengajar, pasal aku rasa ada benda aku boleh kongsi. Aku takkan menipu, dan aku takkan ambil kesempatan.

Lagipun, keluarga aku memang keluarga cikgu.

Jap, aku nak call mak aku. Hahahaha!

Tari Rimba Cinta Mistikal

Aku mengantuk, jadi aku tidur.

Don Horror: Tarik Amir ke Ruang Angkasa Setan!

Balaci: Baik, baik!

Narrator: Don Horror boleh mencipta Ruang Angkasa Setan dengan memutarkan paksi bumi.

Aku: Huh? Iyahhh!

Narrator: Amir boleh bertukar ke Baju Syaitan Bugis Cinanya dalam masa 0.05 saat. Mari kita saksikan dalam gerak perlahan.

Aku: Baju Syaitan Bugis Cina!

Kemputar: Baik, baik, Baju Syaitan Bugis Cina akan dihantar sebentar lagi.

Muzik Latar: De red deauuooo. De red deauuuoo. Deauuoo! Deauuuoo! Det det det det det det det det deeeeeng. Det det det det det det det det deeeeeng.

Dalam mimpi aku, selepas mengalahkan Don Horror sekali lagi, aku dah menyeru Tiamat - Naga di Hujung Dunia.

Aku: Tiamat. Naga Di Hujung Dunia. Ke mari!

Tiamat: Apahal bro?

Aku: Takdele. Aku nak tanya. Camana nak lawan hantu?

Tiamat: Cam biasa la. Jangan percaya hantu. Ko pernah kena kacau?

Aku: Tak pernah.

Tiamat: Kau pernah percaya?

Aku: Aku tak pernah peduli pun. Buang masa aku je. Banyak kerja lain boleh aku buat. Lagipun, kalau ada, bukannya berguna. Tapi orang lain, ramai yang percaya.

Tiamat: Banyak psycho je, bro. Lu jangan dekat menatang ni. Nanti orang tuduh lu pulak. Jauhkan diri.

Aku: Ye le...

Tiamat: Lu superhero ke?

Aku: Takk...

Tiamat: Lu Raja Syaitan Bugis Cina. Lu -

Aku: Oklah. AKu nak pergi dengar dangdut la.

Tiamat: Oklah, oklah. Gua pun nak pergi lawan sama Gilgamesh dengan Enkidu.

Aku: Ok, bye.

Tiamat: Bro!

Aku: Ya?

Tiamat: Kalau ada gaduh, lu panggil gua ya?

Aku: Apa kejadah naga gangster la pulak?

Tiamat: Hihihi. Ko taulah aku.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Mabok Lagi!

I've been looking for this song since forever!

Check out the video from 1:40-1:46. Man! Just cause of Dewi Persik, I say all Malaysians should stop all hostilities towards Indonesia whenever they claim more stuff as their own.

Just send more of Dewi Persik our way!

Movie Marathon

I just saw Magika last night. Reached home at nearly one.

Lied down on my mattress for a while, when I realised that I have a 9.45am Press screening tomorrow, for Jangan Pandang Belakang Congkak 2.

I can't risk sleep, so I got up and did a movie review for Legends of the Guardians, which to me is the best movie of the year, barring Magika of course. I always have a soft-spot for films which I had something to do with.

So here I am, article finished and probably published Thursday (read it!), hoping not to sleep till morning.

You know, some idiots think doing entertainment journalism is easy. A walk in the park.

Well, it IS easy, if you know what you're doing. It is also easy if you are a soulless bastard with no conscience. And no pride.

I'm now back on the field, after a year playing desk jockey. It will take a couple of weeks of adjusting, after Raya and all, but I'm making good speed.

Things will come. Slowly.

I enjoy the camaraderie of entertainment journalists, and find it hard to understand why so many people are afraid of covering local entertainment. Only a small few dare to traverse these waters.

I'll tell you a secret.

When I first came to KL, back in 1998, the local mainstream entertainment scene was the last thing on my mind. I sought the intellectuals. The smart ones who do these really creative projects. Short black-and-white films. Installation art. Books of poems. Experimental theatre.

And when I say experimental theatre, I don't mean talking to yourself on an empty stage, though the best theatre piece I've ever seen was just that - a monologue.

I'm talking about a dozen girls pogo-ing onto a clearing, simulating masturbation. I'm talking about a performer holding his/her outfit out in front of him/her and and spitting on it.

I'm talking about the worship and derision of shoes.

(All this, incidentally, in the same theatrical dance performance)

I discovered that SOME of KL's intellegentsia before the new millenium spoke English, drank hot chocolate at Paddington Station, have trust funds, but are finally, irrevocably, human.

They have their own fuck-ups. Their own cliques. Their own politics. It's just like high school, but with bigger words. And big-name dropping. And quoting the 'Great Books' written by 'Great Authors'.

Notice that I do not regularly quote the 'Great Authors'. 'Kafkaesque', to me, is a swear word. A curse.

Not because I'm better than them. Oh, no. That's not the point. I just want to quote comic book writers. I think they make as much sense - perhaps even more, to me - than Murakami or Raynd or Proulx.

ANyway, for the longest time, I resisted the local mainstream entertainment scene.

Until one day, I sent applications to 52 companies and the first one to reply was the thing that lead me to entertainment journalism. I'll tell the full story one day. I even remember the dress my first interviewer wore - a tight, blue minidress with black prints.

I find an affinity with the local entertainment scene. Surprise! I found that they're just as screwed up as the intellectuals. The same hang-ups, the same complaints. The same politics.

Because essentially, everyone is just people. If you can deal with one crowd, you can deal with any crowd. There's nothing to fear from people. If you're afraid of people, you might as well either:

a. Die


b. Kill everyone else

So really, there's nothing to be afraid of from the local entertainment scene. In fact, if you look real hard, there's always beauty everywhere.

I used to resist the local mainstream entertainment scene. Now, I'm pretty much in the thick of it, though I am far from being a complete expert. Not that I am welcomed everywhere I go. Or that I am a celebrity. I do not have those allusions or delusions. Like dung beetles and intellectuals, I serve a purpose. A function. And that is what I do. My job.

I don't know everyone. I don't know everything. I don't need to. I know enough. And that's as good a place as any, to start. Again.

Masuk Bakul Angkat Sendiri: Magika

Akhirnya! Aku dapat menonton Magika, filem terbitan KRU Productions kedua yang aku tulis skripnya.

Aku tak boleh mengulas filem ini dalam suratkhabar, pasal aku tulis skripnya. Jadi aku cuma ulas dalam blog sahaja lah ya?

Apa yang boleh aku katakan adalah, filem ini filem hiburan ringan yang menggunakan mitos-mitos dan cerita rakyat Melayu.

Kalau aku ingin memasarkan Magika, aku akan cakap, "Filem ini akan mencetuskan perbualan antara ibubapa dan anak-anak."

Macamana? Sesetengah anak kecil akan bertanya berkenaan watak-watak dongeng yang diketengahkan, seperti Naga Tasik Cini (Seri Gumum yang ingin membalas dendam kematian Seri Pahang kerana dibunuh Seri Kemboja), Pak Pandir, Nenek Kebayan, dan lain-lain.

Aku juga akan berkata, "Filem ini dibintangi pelakon-pelakon yang gah namanya di Malaysia."

Aku berasa amat puas hati dengan lakonan Diana Danielle, yang cantik dan juga berbakat, membawa watak Ayu.

AKu fikir, kalau ditulis watak yang lebih rumit untuknya, dia akan mampu membawanya dengan baik.

Juga, Ziana Zain yang memberikan persembahan yang amat baik dalam Magika. Watak Nenek Kebayan yang didokongnya memang hidup dan berkarisma.

Mawi juga memberi persembahan yang bagus, sebagai Bad.

Tidak dilupakan juga, semua bintang jemputan yang lain, yang tak berani aku senaraikan di sini, pasal takut tertinggal sesiapa.

Edry KRU sememangnya pemuzik yang handal, berjaya menerapkan lagu-lagu dengan lirik yang kena dalam Magika. Aku nak tengok apa lagi filem yang bakal diarahnya selepas ini.

Tidak dilupakan, semua krew Magika dan kakitangan KRU. Terima kasih sahaja tak cukup, tapi aku bukannya kaya nak belanja semua orang makan. Hahaha. Hanya setakat, jutaan terima kasih kerana menjadi sebahagian produksi ini. Aku sebagai orang pinggiran hanya boleh bertepuk sorak di luar gelanggang.

Rata-rata, aku puas hati dengan Magika. Aku mengimpikan untuk membuat banyak lagi filem lain selepas ini, mungkin sebagai penulis skrip, dan mungkin juga memikul beberapa tanggungjawab yang lain.

Pengalaman dan peluang ini tidak akan aku lupakan. Sekali lagi, jutaan terima kasih kepada semua yang terlibat dan kepada semua yang telah atau bakal menonton.

Semua kekurangan daripada pihak aku sendiri dan juga kami produksi filem ini, aku mohon maaf dan seribu keampunan.

Magika keluar di pawagam tanahair Sept 23 ini! Jangan jeles! Muahahahaha!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Pasak Bumi! Raja Syaitan Bugis Cina!

Ada sorang sejarahwan yang aku temuramah semasa aku buat Hikayat Merong Mahawangsa. Dia tanya aku, aku darah apa?

"Mak saya Bugis Pahang. Bapak saya Cina," kata aku.

"Bugis-Cina?!" Mata dia terbeliak. Macam nampak hantu.

Apa, ingat aku nak naik kapal, rompak orang pastu pinjamkan balik hasil rompakan dengan letak kadar faedah macam along ke? Gila ke?

Pastu, aku main Heroes of Might and Magic 5, dan aku paling suka jadi Demon Lord. Skill Swift Gating memang best.

Jadi, aku adalah Raja Syaitan Bugis Cina. Pembawa kesejahteraan dan kemusnahan. Lanun-pedagang berekor dan bertanduk.

Aku jumpa banyak spesis lain. Jawa Batak Makan Orang, Jawa Gila Perasan Lawa, Raja India Pekedai Cina, Mamak Asli Berangan Akhir, Askar Jerman Yang Penyedih.

Tapi semua tak best macam Raja Syaitan Bugis Cina!


Aku memang best!

Bullshit: Devil's Hand

My tarot card is the Wheel of Fortune. It means, karma in a grand way. If I do good things, good things come. If I do bad things, bad things will come.

It fits into my world view, so okay.

I know two other wielders of Wheel of Fortune. I work with them on numerous things.

I notice that we're all balancing on the scales of extremes. We are sometimes infinitely evil and at other instances, really, really good. Capable of destruction and creation - basically two sides of the same coin.

A woman I know, has been dealt Strength. Strength is usually depicted as a woman opening a lion's mouth.

I know lots of strong women. I have known women who showed me what strength is.

Strength is courage. And courage, can only come from The Truth. The path of lies is a path of suffering. We suffer because we are not in line with The Truth.

If we are in line with The Truth, if we accept The Truth, then there is nothing to fear. Fearlessness is strength.

In my short, short young life, I have loved and lost almost everything. What else can you threaten me with? What is it that I truly desire? Hahaha. None of you has the answer, and yet I have been telling you from the start.

At the end of all things, I want freedom. And freedom, can't be given away. It can't be taught. It can't be bought. It can neither be justified nor rationalised.

Freedom is not a physical state. It is a way of being.

Ah, I've written all this before. I told all of you all of this before. And yet, none of you are truly free. Neither am I. But one day, I will awaken. Fully. Completely.

And on that day, whether I die or fully realise my true purpose, I will bid all of you goodbye. And thank you. It has been a blast.

Summon Meteor

I know I did a lot of work today, but the fact that my shoulders are sore is ridiculous. It's as if I've been lifting 50kg cement bags all day long or something.

I sure did a lot.

And in a few minutes, I'm gonna do more. And tomorrow, even more. I'm gearing up to operate at 100% capacity.

Fuck everything else, man. The world's mine for the taking. Make me KING! New World Order!

Start slow. Chug along. Increase speed. Speed. Speed. Speed. Speed. And then, BAM! Warp Speed, motherfucker.

I may be evil, but I feel goooood. Muahahaha. The world is turning. And you're all fucked now.

Cause when things start to click, nothing in this universe can stop me.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Mari Belajar Bahasa Melayu Bersama Abang Terung

Hai adik-adik!

Abang Terung datang lagi dengan... Mari Belajar Bahasa Melayu!

Menurut pembelajaran Abang Terung yang tak seberapa, sebelum wujudnya Bahasa melayu moden, ada Bahasa Melayu Klasik.

Begini cara bermainnya.

Babak 1

EXT Siang Kedai kopi tradisional

WATAK: Aku, Pelayan

Maka datanglah beta, Raja Syaitan Bugis Cina dengan penuh gegak gempita gendang perang, sampai habis luruh daun di pokok sampai tugillah semua tanaman orang negeri itu. Maka daulatnya sakti Raja Syaitan Bugis Cina, mana jatuh bayangnya, maka situ juga orang mati. Maka banyaklah orang yang mati, seperti ulat taik dalam lubang najis sahaja layaknya. Mana dipalingkan senyumannya dengan gigi yang digilap, putih memancar bak suria pagi sampai silaulah mata kesemuanya. Maka semua yang disenyumnya, yang buta menjadi celik, yang tempang boleh berjalan, yang sembelit cirit-birit, yang cirit bercicir, jadi sembelit. Yang hodoh jadi lawa. Yang bodoh jadi pendita. Orang lemah menjadi perkasa.

Dengan lafaz mentera pusaka, patik si pelayan melangkah berani berdepan dengan Raja Syaitan Bugis Cina. Adapun tiadalah ditenung matanya Raja Syaitan Bugis Cina, kerana takutkan sinar merah saga bak lazer seperti Superman sahaja layaknya. Maka disapanya, lalu patik pun berkata, mau order apa?

Maka perbuatkanlah untuk beta, barang minuman daun teh yang ditapaikan sampai jadi hitam, disiramnya air panas menggelegak, dan mestinya menggelegak sampai bercerai isi dengan tulang kerana beta tak minum air suam-suam kuku seperti lembu-lembu di bendang. Dan dicampur pula gula dituai dari tebu, dengan butiran pasirnya halus dan sekata setiap biji. Dan ditambahlah ke dalam gelas, bersama susu yang diperah dari lembu yang tidak terlalu tua dan tidak terlalu muda. Dan hendaklah minuman itu dicurahkan bak air jatuh dari gunung, daripada satu bekas ke bekas lain, supaya nampaklah buih bak yang dimuntahkan lembu Wan Empuk dan Wan Malini semasa mencari makan untuk dewa yang turun dari Bukit Seguntang.


Teh tarik satu la, bodoh!

Maka, dengan sumpahan itu, bodoh lah si pelayan. Terlompat-lompat, terkinja-kinja seperti ungka hitam di hutan.

Itu, Bahasa Melayu Klasik. Ini pula, Bahasa Melayu Kuno, yang menjadi bahasa atas batu bersurat adanya...

Babak 1

EXT Siang Kedai kopi tradisional

WATAK: Aku, Pelayan

Keceprong. Kang kong lang wa. Ti ku la ma nya klong kung tang kung plak puk. Babi! Padi! Api!

Kok ngoyok ngo no?

Teh tarik satu la, bodoh!

Kcprong ktang tung klikolikutumaktakajiii.

Jelas, Abang Terung memang tak reti langsung Bahasa Melayu Kuno.

Tapi, ada lagi! Sebelum bahasa Melayu Kuno, ada la pulak Bahasa Melayu Purba.

Babak 1

EXT Siang Kedai kopi tradisional

WATAK: Aku, Pelayan





Teh Tarik satu la, bodoh!



Tergelak Keseorangan

Aku tengah dengar audio benda yang aku tengah tulis subtitle ni. Tiba-tiba, aku tertawa berdekah-dekah. Tanpa konteks visual, dengarnya seperti seorang gadis, di ambang wati.

Noir Dangdut: Berdiri Bulu Romaku

Aku penat, secara fizikal, dan aku nak tidur kejap. Minda dan emosiku tajam macam konek bentuk gerudi.

Aku akan bangun pukul 10pm dan aku akan buat kerja. Siapkan apa yang patut.

Aku nak cari lubang, jadi artikel berikutnya tajuknya adalah Gali Lobang Tutup Lobang, yang juga tajuk lagu Rhoma Irama.

Oh ya, Berdiri Bulu Romaku adalah lagu dangdut Hetty Koes Endang, aku rasa?

Legend of the Guardians

I'm at my second assignment, after spending the morning watching Legend of the Guardians which to me is the movie of the year.

Aside from my own movies, this is a must-see. Read my review in Thursday's The Malay Mail, a free weekday paper in the Klang Valley.

Furthermore, my name means Leader of the Guardians in Arabic. And though I don't look like an owl - well, maybe I do - I can totally relate to the story.

Best. Movie. Of 2010!
Sikit je lagi kerja aku ni, tapi aku dah mengantuk. Aku dah penat.

Aku nak tidur dulu.


Sunday, September 19, 2010

Noir Dangdut: Yang Sedang-Sedang Saja

Benda paling bagus aku dapat daripada Raya baru-baru ni adalah peluang membeli seluar pendek RM5.

Satu lagi, seluar jeans Old Navy berharga RM24. Tiga pasang aku sambar. Walaupun mengikut Sunder, Old Navy adalah pakaian douchebags sahaja. Hehehe.

Aku memang selama ini hanya ada SATU seluar jeans selepas kematian dua pasang Levi's 501 aku.

Seluar pendek pulak, aku perlukan sebab ini memang uniform aku. Lagipun, aku nak sambung pergi ke gym tak lama lagi.

Akulah Syaitan Seluar Pendek yang berjuang demi pantat dan keadilan. Dengan kekuatan konek, akan menghukummu!

Noir Dangdut: Memori Daun Pisang

Aku terjaga pukul 7 malam. Lapar. Ingat nak makan oat, pasal semalam aku beli susu tepung.

Terlupa pulak - aku takde sudu kat rumah ni.


Maknanya, aku berlapar lagi la, sampaila member aku datang malam ni untuk bawak aku pergi meeting.

Masa lapar ni, teringat la aku dekat nasi daun pisang. Sebenarnya, nasi daun pisang paling best aku makan dekat Kuantan, kat satu kedai tersembunyi. Nama dia dalah Bahasa Tamil.

Kat KL ni, Sri Nirwana Maju agak best, tapi takde la sebest mana sampai aku boleh tak pedulikan layanan buruk semua orang kat situ. Pelayan, cashier, semua cam sial.



They say it can't be done, but I just finished 75% of my work this weekend. Just one more sleepless night, and I'll be free.

Only, next week is looking kinda full. Hahaha. It never ends, does it?

Been trying to contact a friend, for something next week, but she seems unresponsive. So... I guess I'll just give the tickets to someone else then.

Oh, my next movie, the third script I wrote and the second released, is opening this Sept 23. It's called Magika.

Here's the trailer:

I hope you guys enjoy it.

Honestly, I haven't seen it myself. I was writing the script for the Hikayat Merong Mahawangsa film when they asked me to do this, and it provided for a nice diversion from the extremely serious and confusing world of Merong.

It's a musical. Hehehe.

Someone asked me to write a book about my filmmaking exploits recently. I don't think I have the time, really. Not another book.

She: Why don't you write a book? I can get you a publisher.

Me: Nah. I think I'll get money, retire and THEN I'll write this book.

She: You write a book first, THEN you get the money, and then retire.

Me: No. Who will read it?

She: I would.

Me: Yeah, so thanks for the, what, RM1 royalty (IF I'm lucky)?

But one day, I will write books. If only I can get a RM2 million non-returnable advance.


Filem ketiga yang aku tulis, dan kedua diedarkan - Magika - akan ditayangkan di panggung minggu depan. Bermula September 23.

Beberapa tahun yang lepas, sambil menulis skrip Hikayat Merong Mahawangsa, KRU meminta aku menulis Magika. Ceritanya memang menarik minat aku, pasal menggunakan cerita-cerita rakyat Melayu.

Aku menghabiskan banyak masa muda aku, membaca kisah-kisah mitos dan lagenda Melayu. Kisah-kisah rakyat.

Banyak mitos Melayu yang kurang diketahui orang aku ingin ketengahkan, seperti Dongeng Kuda Hijau, Gergasang, dan kisah-kisah Pak Pandir yang menunjukkan dia bukanlah bodoh-bodoh alang, tetapi mungkin seorang genius.

Namun, kami kumpulan tenaga produksi mendapati yang mitos dan kisah rakyat biasa pun tidak lagi popular di kalangan bebudak muda zaman sekarang. Lebai Malang pun tak tau? Mat Jenin pun tak tau? SANG KANCIL pun tarak!

Aku amat senang hati menulis filem Magika ini, walaupun Kuda Hijau takde. Aku yakin, Edry KRU yang mengarah filem ini mempersembahkan apa yang mahu dia ketengahkan dengan baik. Dan aku yakin kekuatan barisan bintang Magika serta kerja keras tenaga produksi filem ini bakal membuahkan hasil yang baik.

Aku tak tengok lagi. Aku hanya akan tengok hari Selasa depan. Moga ramai yang akan menikmati filem ini.

Sekian, terima kasih.

Amir Hafizi


Mentera Sehitam Hati: Jalan Syaitan Tidak Terbatas

Semangat kejahatan kunooooooooo

Tukarkanlah badan yang mereput ini...

Kepada Mumm-raaaaaaaaaaaa! Yang Kekal! ABADIIIIIII!!!

Yearghhh! Ngyearrgghhh!

BulanBintang Barzakh!

Berikan ku kekuatan, otot, dan kejahatan, MONSTARRRRR!!!

Hmmm... kalaulah kejahatan itu senang diperolehi macam kartun zaman 80an.

Tetsuo Si Orang Besi

Tetsuo. Orang Besi. Tulisan kanji Jepun tetsu yang bermaksud besi. Orang Jepun suka bermain 'pun'.

Filem ni pasal Tetsuo yang sedikit demi sedikit bertukar menjadi orang besi. Konek dia jadi gerudi. Apasal bukan Jackhammer?

Aku tengok filem ni, aku rasa macam nak bunuh John Lennon.

Tinggi Diri

Tinggi aku, ikut alat pengukur yang berbeza.

Ada yang menolok, 175cm dan pernah sekali, 177cm. Yang tu, aku suka. Ada yang menunjukkan 173cm. Atau 171cm. Yang jenis macam ni, aku tak percaya. Salah ni.

Ramai orang Malaysia sekarang lebih tinggi daripada aku. Adala dalam empat-lima juta, sekurang-kurangnya.

Jadi untuk yang lain, aku cuma nak cakap, agak sukar untuk aku merendahkan diri aku.

Betullah kata-kata Obie Trice: "Nigga, please. You have to jump up and swing up to hit me in the knees. You're so far under the radar, I don't even know who the fuck you are."

Semusim Di Syurga: Noir Dangdut

Aku tergelak bila ada orang namakan aku sasterawan arus perdana. Bapak sasterawan siut aku nih. Korek bughit! Korek bughit! Korek bughit! Korek bughit! Korek bughit! Korek bughit! Korek bughit! Korek bughit! Korek bughit! Korek bughit! Korek bughit! Korek bughit! Korek bughit! Korek bughit! Korek bughit! Korek bughit! Korek bughit! Korek bughit! Korek bughit! Korek bughit! Sasterawan la sangat.

Serius, wei! AKu dapat e-mail. Dah delete semua.

Ramai orang, dia duk pikir pasal title sebelum buat kerjanya. Bodoh, bagi aku.

"Oh, akulah pak guard," kata pak guard kurus kering, sambil memintal-mintal misai halimunannya. Dalam kepalanya, dia dah pak guard. Tapi pencuri masuk, dia tak nampak. Pasal dia tak buka mata. Dia cuma terlelap, dibuai mimpi-mimpi pak guardnya. Mimpi di siang hari.

Satu hari nanti, beratus, mungkin beribu tahun akan datang, lagu Britney Spears mungkin ada dalam muzium sebagai contoh budaya orang zaman sekarang. Madam Tussaud's jadi cam penemuan Terracotta Warriors.

Tak mustahil, penulisan aku pasal korek burit akan memulakan satu agama. Agama korek burit.

Korek bughit! Korek bughit! Korek bughit! Korek bughit! Korek bughit! Korek bughit! Korek bughit! Korek bughit! Korek bughit! Korek bughit! Korek bughit! Korek bughit! Korek bughit!

Tapi, kalau jadi agama pun, jadi apa pun, itu semua zaman akan datang. Pada hari ini, aku cumalah seorang penulis yang lemas dalam faux humility orang lain. Dan juga diri sendiri.

Noir Dangdut

Aku terjaga pukul 3.30 pagi. Rasa seperti ingin makan sahur.

Jadi, aku pergi ke bawah, pinjam payung daripada pak guard - walaupun aku ada payung kat apartment aku.

Aku berjalan dalam hujan renyai-renyai, tepi jalan asphalt, dalam gelap.

Lima minit. Kurang dari tu. Aku sampai ke jalan besar dan menahan teksi.

Aku sampai ke gerai Nasi Lemak Famous. Real Madrid tengah main.

Nasi Goreng Cina ada, tapi daging goreng garam kunyit takde. Jadi aku makan nasi lemak. Air kopi dua gelas. Memang tak tidur la lepas ni.

Aku nak kerja sampai pagi.

Ramai orang ingat kerja menulis ni senang. Aku pilih bukan pasal senang. Dan bukan aku pilih betul pun. Kerja ni yang pilih aku. Aku ddulu bercita-cita nak jadi financial speculator. Macam George Soros. Pastu, aku nak jahanamkan Malaysia dengan kuasa Super Soros IV aku.

Pasal apa? Dulu, aku fikir negara ni banyak buat kejahatan kat muka bumi ni. Kejahatan dalam bentuk kebodohan. Masa aku muda-muda dulu, aku memang jauh lebih angkuh daripada aku sekarang.

Aku tau semua benda, walaupun itu mustahil.

Kebenarannya adalah: aku tau banyak benda - kebanyakannya tak berguna, tapi bukan semua.

Dan yang aku tau, sesiapa yang terancam dengan kewujudan seseorang yang tau semua benda mengingatkan aku kepada zaman aku nak musnahkan semua benda dan orang. Pasal bodoh.

Keliling aku ni, ramai manusia jenis rempit dan jenis lain yang aku tak suka. Takde sebab pun. Aku tak suka je.

Lagi bagus kalau aku makan sorang je. Menyampah aku tengok diorang menyampah tengok aku.

Dahla ramai perempuan tak lawa yang pakai seksi.

Aku tak suka beruk-beruk yang bergerak berkumpulan. Pasal naluri aku adalah untuk mencapai senapang patah dan tembak diorang jatuh dari atas pokok rambutan bapak aku.

Fullamak! Ada yang hot la pulak. Dia berpaling... Dan salah side la pulak.

Aiyo. Jangan la tipu aku macam tu. Huduh rupanya. Layak hisap lubang jubur aku je.

Aku kechiwa! Aku kechiwa! Nah, mungkin masa untuk beli rokok dan balik bekerja. Aku tak tau kenapa, tapi aku berdoa kepada Tuhan/Sains/Eywa/Kesedaran supaya mereka yang berlaku kejam kepada aku agar dilaknat dan dijauhkan daripada aku untuk selama-lamanya.

Dan aku berdoa, dalam sejuk malam gelap, supaya aku kaya dan bersara, mengasingkan diri dari dunia kepahlawanan buat selama-lamanya.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Benda Pukimak Minggu Ini

Aku tengah beromen dengan setan betina sambil dijilat oleh Neytiri, bila aku dapat mesej:

"R u 0n9?"

Aku: Erm... on9 tu apa? TV9? Aku tak keluar TV dah lama dah.

Bitch: X... u 0n gT?

Aku: DragonBall GT? Takdele best mana.

Bitch: X! U 0n g0ggle cht?

Aku: Ooo. Saya tak pakai goggle. Saya pakai cermin mata.

Bitch: Sshlh u ni!

Aku: Ko suruh aku senyap ke?

Bitch: ???

Aku: Ko suruh aku, "shh?"

Bitch: I mmg x pnd...

Aku: Ermm...

Bitch: ...

Aku: Ooo. Ko memang tak pandai. Anak sedara aku pun aku tak cakap dengan diorang, sampai dia boleh mengeja. Pasal kalau tak reti membaca tu, memang hina-dina dan selayaknya disula sampai mati, melainkan dyslexic.

Bitch: dyslcx 2 apa?

Aku: Julap.

Lepas tu aku offkan phone. Pergilah mampus.


Yaaa Sains!

Aku tengok brader ni jalan. Pakai t-shirt, letak rokok kat bahu, dalam baju. Pakai spek itam, walaupun kat dalam bangunan.

Muka control. Catwalk!

"iCantik! iCantik! iCantik! iCantik! iCantik!," mungkin itu yang bermain dalam kepala hotak rempitnya.


Brader, lu jantan. Pondan pun bukan. Toksahlah nak catwalk depan aku tengah-tengah hari buta ni.

Pantat mak ko! Itulah apa aku nak kata.

Kentut Solo

Aku duduk di sini, satu-satunya pelanggan kedai mamak dekat NSTP. Dan aku pun kentut. Kentut berseorangan, alang kepalang.


Tuah ayam nampak di kaki. Namun, ayam sedang berlaga. Tak nampak menang kalahnya.

Aku cuma pengarang gurindam yang tak seberapa. Cukup untuk aku makan di kedai mamak. Lepas tu kentut dengan penuh nikmat.

Aku pakai baju semalam. Dah dua hari aku tak mandi. Hahaha.

Kejap lagi, aku nak menyiapkan kerja. Malam nanti, dua teman nak berjumpa. Haih, inilah ragam manusia... Manis di bibir, pandai bermain lidahhhh.


Di hari Sabtu yang panasnya merekah, aku kentut, sungguh indah.


Pengembaraan Kentut Solo!

Amadeus: Lal

I am Lal - beloved! Muahahahaha!

Approaching life with a clear conscience, whole new vistas are opened to me.

I have never done evil to anyone. If I did, the self-serving guilt would haunt my ego for years.

And so, when good stuff comes a-calling, I think to myself, "I did not need evil to do this. Just to defend myself and my work, if it comes to it."

So fuck you, fuck all a-you! Fuck off and die. Excuse my dust.

Friday, September 17, 2010

The Invisible Collage: Vanish

You know, for some, the lure of power and positions is intoxicating. The temptations of being seen as this or that. To be seen as cool. To be seen as desireable. As successful. To be loved.


Me? I just want to retire someday. I just want to stay by the beach, lose some weight and watch what I eat, maybe quit smoking, ensuring that I have a low probability of getting really bad diseases.

I want to read books. And comics. Especially comics. I might write a bit. But I would not want to be seen. I want to eventually be invisible, safely tucked away in my little cul-de-sac.

And when the time comes, I want to die.

I don't want to live forever. I don't want to survive till the last dying breath I take. I want to live, and then die.

Dreams of changing the world are for younger people. I have come to the realisation that by merely existing, I am changing the world. I don't have hang-ups in that. I'll do what I can, push as hard as I've always pushed. But I won't struggle.

I'll just keep on doing what I've always done. Other people might say I'm stupid, for imposing rules on myself. Or for even trying. But I have learned that the louder the condemnation, the greater the fear.

What are they afraid of? I honestly don't care. And I don't have enough angst left to dwell on it. I spent my angst, overdrew my account, in the past 15 years.

I'll get my money, and then I'm going to vanish. The beach may be here, may be in Kuantan. May be in Spain or Australia. I don't know where I'll be, five years from now. I don't know where I'll be tomorrow. I'll just wing it, as I have always done.

And I won't stop talking. I just don't fucking stop, do I? Cause one day, they will come and shut all this down. Nothing to worry about. They can't stop everything.

Tetsuo The Iron Man

I'm currently trrying to write a science fiction story for three-four pages of comics.

Sci-fi has always been about social commentary. Good sci-fi, that is.

You take a concept, like how we're all turning into machines, and you get Tetsuo: The Iron Man. But no, that's just to crazy.

A bildungsroman set in space? In four pages? Mmmm...

A time-loop comics, then? With the ending as the beginning?

Kino's Journey-esque observation on social convention and norms? A naive nightmarish presentation of social and political, maybe economical stuff?


Maybe I should do a sci-fi short story about racism?

All good sci-fi must have naked chicks. And fucking. Yeah. Hmmm...

Call of the Wild


Arf! Arf!


*toot-toot, tee-root*

Me: Yes?

The Wild: Hello?

Me: Ah. Okay.

Kalsium Karbonat Rupanya...


Aku dah tua la. Dah nyanyuk. Hahaha.

Sekarang tengah makan dengan orang dari industri. Sorry, tengah makan sambil tunggu orang daripada industri.

Pasal drama gaduh-gaduh orang tua. Sampai bertumbuk tu.

Lepas ni, nak pergi jumpa orang pasal nak ambik tiket. Minggu depan aku memang penuh nak mampus, siut.

Isnin ada dua benda. Selasa ada dua benda. Rabu pun ada dua. Khomis ada satu baru. Jemaat memang ari off aku.

Aku keluar, dan aku suka kerja luar. Nak masuk balik dalam industri ni, aku kena buat groundwork dalam sebulan dua. Dapatkan maklumat. Contact balik orang lama. Hidupkan balik beat aku.

Aku dah berkarat, sebenarnya. Banyak benda aku dah lost touch. Jadi, kenalah ambik tau balik.

Oh well.

Sikit-sikit, lama-lama jadi bukit. Bukan aku tak pernah buat dulu.

Fakta Tak Berguna

Sepanjang hidup aku, aku sentiasa mengumpul maklumat tak berguna.

Contoh: Tylenol sebenarnya adalah Paracetamol, tetapi dinamakan sedemikian supaya boleh dijual di Amerika Utara. Orang kat sana tak suka Paracetamol, pasal entahlah, ada side effect kat hati kot?

Tylenol/paracetamol digunakan untuk merawat sakit kepala.

Bactrim dan flagyl adalah dua jenis antibiotik yang digunakan secara meluas oleh klinik-klinik biasa Malaysia. Bactrim mensasarkan beberapa jenis bakteria yang biasanya menjangkiti salur pernafasan atau perkumuhan atas badan. Manakala flagyl menentang jangkitan puki.

Kebanyakan gula-gula getah diperbuat daripada getah jelutong. Kadang-kadang, ada bahan yang menjadi julap dalam gula-gula getah.

Kapur makan (sodium bikarbonat?) diperbuat daripada cengkerang.

Kalau termakan buah beracun atau mengalami keracunan makanan, dan kalau tiada farmasi berdekatan, bakar kayu atau kertas tebal, kemudian makan arang. Arang mengandungi karbon yang mampu meneutralkan racun.

Pada zaman dahulu, ada orang yang menggosok gigi menggunakan arang. Arang juga boleh mengenyahkan bau.

Tapai mengandungi alkohol. Yis yang mengalami proses penapaian mengeluarkan air, gula dan alkohol.

Alkohol boleh makan ialah etanol (dua cabang - OH). Methanol (satu cabang) adalah alkohol industri yang boleh menyebabkan buta. Sesetengah todi atau samsu haram menggunakan methanol. Enjoy!

Sabun tercipta secara tak sengaja apabila orang zaman dahulu mendapati yang kain dibasuh di bawah aliran air tempat membakar mayat menjadi lebih bersih.

Sabun berfungsi kerana ia ada dua komponen - satu yang larut dalam air, dan satu yang larut dalam minyak. Kebanyakan kotoran berbentuk minyak atau gris. Apabila sabun larut dalam minyak, air yang dilalukan membawa gris itu pergi.

Pada zaman dahulu, manusia menggunakan minyak sebagai sabun. Minyak disapu, kemudian dikikis bersama kotoran.

Sabun mengandungi glycerine. Nitro-glycerine adalah komponen utama dynamite, ciptaan Alfred Nobel.

John Logie Baird adalah salah seorang yang mencipta TV.

Telefon bimbit direka oleh seorang peminat Star Trek, untuk Motorola.

Pereka tandas pam pertama mempersembahkan rekaannya kepada Ratu England. Dia dihukum bunuh kerana kurang ajar.

Pada zaman dahulu, khidmat penyedut hampagas disediakan oleh lori-lori besar yang pergi rumah ke rumah.

Bomba pernah hanya dibayar selepas kebakaran dipadamkan. Oleh sebab kebanyakan mangsa tiada duit, kumpulan bomba zaman dahulu menjadi gangster dan mengugut orang ramai.

Kacang dalam sos tomato dicipta selepas kebakaran kilang 'kacang dalam madu'.

Marmite dicipta untuk tentera.

Kondom awal menggunakan getas bergalvani - satu bahan yang beracun. Sebelum itu, kaum atasan menggunakan usus bebiri.

Terdapat lebih banyak emas dalam satu tan komputer dan alatan elektronik buangan daripada satu tan bijih emas.

Pringles bukanlah cip kentang, tetapi habuk ubi kentang yang dipadatkan menjadi cip.

Air kosong paling mahal pernah aku minum, harganya RM17 sebotol. Dicairkan dari salji gunung Alps. Bukan aku yang bayar.

Salji moden sebenarnya sedikit beracun, kerana mengandungi pencemaran.

Diramalkan, pada 2012, Singapura dan juga KL akan tenggelam kerana pencairan ais di artik. Kononnya.

Tiada penguin di artik. Penguin hanya tinggal secara semulajadi di Antartika.

Beruang kutub tidak berbulu putih. Bulunya lutsinar. Nampak saja putih.

Titanium dioksida hanyalah ejen pewarnaan dan bukanlah besi.

Bahan yang digunakan untuk mendapatkan cap jari dari permukaan seperti kertas dipanggil Ninhydrin. Untuk permukaan seperti kayu, debu magnetik digunakan.

Cap jari wujud kerana minyak yang ada pada tangan.

Untuk menghilangkan semua kesan forensik, haruslah menggunakan bleach.

Tulang yang tak akan musnah dibakar api adalah tulang pinggul.

Cara terbaik untuk menghilangkan mayat adalah dengan mengeratnya dan memberi makan kepada babi.

Dr Rumah

Dr Bola Tampar: Dr Rumah! Dr Rumah!

Dr Rumah: Ya, Dr Bola Tampar. Apasal? Kawan ko Tom Hanks bercakap sorang-sorang lagi ke?

Dr BT: Tak, Dr TukangKahwinOrang ada pesakit yang takleh tido. Dia paksa ko pergi tengok.

Dr Rumah: Pukimak betul la.


Dr Rumah: Hah, ko ni apasal takleh tido la pulak?

Aku: Aku tadi dah nak tido, pastu dapat call. Pastu aku buat kerja. Sekang takde mood nak tidur dah.

Dr Rumah: Ambik pil tidur ni.

Aku: Oh, tidak, tidak, tidak. Ko ingat aku Eminem?

Dr Rumah: Wah! Mungkin Legionnaire's Disease?

Dr Kejar: Tapi, kulitnya licin, lembut. Takde tanda Legionnaire's Disease!

Dr TanahTinggiCameron: Mungkin... MS?

Dr Mandur: Tak mungkin.

Dr Rumah: Apa lagi?

Dr Mandur: Lyme Disease?

Dr Rumah: Dia mana ada kutu. Apala.

Aku: Ah, sudahlah korang! Dah berapa ratus episod aku tengok, asyik bagi nama penyakit sama aje, yang confirm bukan penyakit tu. Pantat ko la. Aku nak pergi tidur.

Dr Kejar: tapi, camana ko nak tido?

Aku: Ek eleh. Pejam mata, tidur la. Apahal lu mat?


Aku baru nak tido, baruuu je nak terlelap, bila ada orang telefon aku. member lama dengan cadangan baru.

Hu-ha, hu-ha, dah dekat setengah jam aku bercakap dengan dia.

Pastu, aku bukak filem Tekkonkinkreet dan aku mula menonton. Aku tak tau langsung pasal Tekkonkinkreet, walaupun aku ada pinjam komiknya daripada Roy.

Manga Jepun yang pelik. Walaupun aku tak paham dengan apa yang jadi setakat ni, aku rasa terpanggil untuk tulis satu artikel pasal falsampah dan kehidupan. Muahahaha!

Ramai yang cakap kat aku, aku ni sombong. Angkuh. Riak.

Sedarkah diorang ni yang kesombongan, keangkuhan dan kebongkakkan itu cuma boleh wujud kalau ada dua pihak yang terlibat?

Kena ada satu pihak yang bercakap, dan satu pihak lagi untuk MERASA egonya kecil atau diperkecilkan.

Kalau aku menjerit betapa hebatnya aku, sambil berdiri dalam hutan sorang-sorang, kau ingat lipan dalam batang kayu buruk peduli ke tidak?

Mereka yang hanya merasa dan terasa, tanpa memahami apa yang dirasa, samalah macam seorang pemabuk yang minum empat botol whisky dalam jangkamasa tiga jam. Mabuk dan tak sedar diri.

Sama macam pengkhianatan. Kena ada sekurang-kurangnya seorang pengkhianat, dan seorang lagi, sekurang-kurangnya, untuk dikhianati. Pengkhianat dan mangsa khianat. Penganiaya dan yang teraniaya. Perogol dan mangsa rogol. Takkan rogol sorang-sorang kot? Ko rogol apa? Lubang kat tanah?

Hampir semua benda, perlukan penglibatan dua atau lebih pihak. Subahat. Lu pikirlah sendiri.

Apa yang kita nampak dalam diri orang, kita hanya boleh kenal kalau benda tu ada dalam diri kita sendiri.

Aku biasa termenung jauh macam watak novel Melayu, pasal aku susah nak paham kadang-kadang. Aku tak paham banyak benda yang orang buat. Last-last, aku cakap pergi mampuslah kesemuanya.

Kalau aku nak paham, aku kena jadi macam tu jugak. Buat apa aku nak paham? Nak paham orang bodoh dengan jadi bodoh? Nak paham penakut dengan jadi penakut? Nak paham orang dalam denial dan tak sedar diri dengan jadi tak sedar diri? Bukan kerja aku, beb. Tu kerja bapak kau.

Pemahaman ego saja sudah mencukupi. AKhirnya, pada tahap yang paling asas, semua benda tak sedar dibuat pasal ego.

Kau nak berasa besar. Ego kau nak berasa besar. Nak jadi lagi besar. Jadi, kau buatlah apa-apa dan kau rasalah apa-apa. Dengkilah orang. Khianatlah orang. ANiaya orang. Cakap benda buruk tentang orang. Masuk bakul angkat sendiri, cuba mempamerkan imej diri yang baik agar orang pandang tinggi pada ko. Pasal kau nak puaskan ego kau. Nak bagi ego kau besar.

Toksah nak cakap ko takde ego.

Dan kau cakap aku angkuh? Aku bongkak? Aku la pulak.

Tenunglah ke dalam lubang gelap, dan lubang gelap itu akan menenung ko.

Sebenarnya, emmm. Takpalah. Kalau aku jelaskan lebih terperinci, nanti ko cakap aku angkuh. Lu pikirlah sendiri.