Sunday, May 29, 2011

Jejak Kelana: Teratai Merah Terlantar di Luar Pagar

Pukul 2.48 pagi. AKu masih menulis. Senak pinggang dan belakang aku diubat dengan Tiger Balm - salap yang diperbuat daripada batu rimau (muahahaha).

Aku menulis skrip filem paling susah pernah aku tulis. Setiap babaknya, rasa macam nak keluarkan sebiji batu karang. Kalau filem macam MySpy, aku dah boleh habiskan tiga atau empat, dalam masa aku baru separuh abis tulis skrip filem ni.

Dulu, masa aku mula menulis skrip, aku terbaca yang filem ini, medium kerjasama. Collaborative medium, cakap mat salleh. Maksudnya, tiada siapa pun yang memikul tanggungjawab tunggal untuk hasil akhir. Semuanya, kerjasama pihak terlibat, termasuk mamat key grip yang jaga lampu dan caterer yang mungkin ipar atau sedara penerbit, cari duit lebih sikit dengan rezeki yang halal.

Kalau kau tak boleh tahan, maka jangan tulis skrip. Pergi tulis iklan. Tulis iklan lagi lumayan bayarannya, daripada tulis filem.

Ya, ada banyak caranya nak tulis filem ni, ikut suka hati siapa yang mengepala projek ini atau siapa bayar akun duit. Aku, hanya mahu mempraktiskan kreativiti aku dalam lingkungan batasan yang ada.

Kalau ikutkan hati, aku dah bawak cerita ni ke laut. Main dengan kias-kias sampai kau mampus. Shot suka ati bapak aku. Tapi, tanggungjawab aku, aku dibayar untuk menyelesaikan beberapa masalah production ni. Jadi, itulah apa aku akan buat.

Nanti, satu hari, kalau aku jadi director, memang aku takde kasi chan punya. Semua suka ati tok nenek moyang aku la.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Almanak Masakan Bumi dan Langit: Sejuk Mata Pedang, Dingin Hati

Aku baca ulasan-ulasan makanan Selangorlicious.

Geram nak pergi cuba, dan juga geram nak tulis ulasan. Masalahnya, aku tau banyak tempat makan kat KL. Selangor ni susah sikit, pasal banyak kawasan dia takde teksi.

Apa yang aku tau, dulu aku amat suka makan nasi ayam kat Puduraya. Ada beberapa kedai nasi ayam kat situ. Apa yang aku minat adalah kepak kecik ayam yang dipanggang sampai kau boleh makan keseluruhan hujung kepak macam keropok.

Nasinya okay saja, pasal nasi ayam mak aku masak adalah nasi ayam terhebat. Sup dia lagi bagus dari mak aku punya sup, pasal mak aku kena buat sup ikut spesifikasi bapak aku.

Bapak aku, degil orangnya. Kalau minum kopi, dia percaya kopi terhebat adalah Nescafe. Aku bagi dia Starbucks, dia maki aku. Kalau makan ayam, dia kena makan kepak. Parti politik terhebat adalah UMNO. Jadi, sup nasi ayam mesti macam yang dia nak, dan sup nasi ayam mak aku tak sedap sebab ini.

Masalah dengan kedai nasi ayam Puduraya adalah kebersihan. Aku pernah jumap bangkai lalat dalam nasi aku. Dan aku rasa, perisa kotoran hitam yang menyelubungi seluruh Puduraya, juga masuk dalam makanan sebagai perisa nasi ayam.

Aku dah lapan tahun tak makan nasi ayam Puduraya. Pasal dah lapan tahun aku tak naik bas kat Puduraya. Aku naik kat Hentian Putra atau Pekeliling.

Aku ingat ada nasi ayam percik di Seremban. Dulu aku sembahyang kat atas kedai hardcore tepi jalan tu. Nasi ayam percik dia agak sedap, tapi aku tak suka lauk yang manis. Bagi aku, dessert manis. Lauk kena masin. Oleh itu, masakan Kelantan adalah jenis masakan terlarang keluarga aku. Aku tak reti masak style Kelantan, pasal aku tak suka benda manis.

Nasi Ayam yang masih aku suka di KL, ada tiga:

1. Yahya Nasi Ayam Hainam (Pantai Dalam/Bukit Angkasa). Bukan Hainan, tapi Hainam. Pasal aku suspek Yahya tu orang Gganu yang takut nak endkan perkataan dengan huruf 'N', takut tertambah 'G'.

Yahya Nasi Ayam Hainam amat hebat sebab dia pakai dua jenis kicap - kicap cair dan kicap yang dicampur tepung sagu atau air liur burung layang-layang (manalah aku tau resipi rahsia dia). Nasinya juga hampir dapat menandingi nasi ayam mak aku.

Ramai orang bodoh jual nasi ayam, tapi nasi dia bodoh. Nasi ayam, mestilah dimasak dengan stok ayam buatan sendiri. PAHAM?

2. Nasi Ayam Pappa Rich

Jangan memandang rendah Nasi Ayam Pappa Rich. Ayamnya distim, dan nasinya hebat. Satu sahaja - kalau ada ayam panggang, lagi bagus.

3. Nasi Ayam Food Court Mana-mana

Mana-mana food court aku pergi, aku akan makan nasi ayamnya. Semua rasa macam Chicken Rice Shop, yang not bad, bagi aku.

Tadi aku makan nasi ayam di Berjaya Times Square. Aku mintak kepak, dan hujung kepaknya boleh dimakan seperti keropok.

Aku akan cuba makan nasi ayam tepi jalan dan mencari Nasi Ayam yang mampu melawan Nasi Ayam Mak Aku - Nasi Ayam Syurga.

Vagabond: The Vaginal Canal

I came back from Kuantan recently, where I told my family that Jews like briskets.

A brisket is a cut - a beef cut like the tenderloin or the shank, chuck or flank. Brisket is the hardest cut, as it is the group of muscle that supports the cow/bull's entire weight as they stand.

Hence, brisket is the cheapest cut and is usually prepared using long-cooking methods. Slow-cooked stew, pot roast is very popular with brisket. Brisket is also very popular among Jewish people.

You know, one day, I am going to have enough money to eat an entire cow. Not all at once, but I want to refridgerate an entire cow - the same cow - with all the cuts marked clearly.

Then, I want to spend an entire week exploring the cuts. A whole week just to eat top sirloin. A whole week just to eat the shanks. A whole week to eat the ribs and the whatever.

That would be awesome. Eating a whole cow.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

On the Wagon

I quit smoking around a month ago. Since then, I have switched from being an insomniac to a narcoleptic. I could just lie down anywhere, and I'd fall asleep.

Which is neither good nor bad. I am getting more sleep, yes, but it is not really good in the middle of Hurricane Deadline.

I got a movie to write, a book, a novel, a 13 episode TV series, a few documentaries in the works, my teaching job and a few other things I might just say no to.

My time has now become more valuable than ever. This is yet another reason for me to shut the doors for anything that is a waste of my time.

DO NOT fucking waste my time. I am not smoking anymore, so even with my superior New Age powers to calm me down, I can rape your ancestors. In the face.

Seriously, do I go to where you work and knock your mother's dick from your mouth? (taken from the comic book Powers, by Bendis and Oeming)

So unless you're making me insanely rich, save me the trouble and go fuck yourself.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

A Friend in Need

I was slipping in and out of consciousnes when I read this.

Kerp is a friend. Always with a nice greeting to all and at all times made everyone feel so treasured and cherished and welcomed. In this time of trouble, he would be needing all the help he can get.

Please go read Rocky's article and find a way to help Kerp.

Momentum

I am still reeling from the after-effects of the latest bronchitis bout. I am at 90% for the past week, since my voice is not yet fully there.

My quitting smoking - the unexpected silver lining of this thing - seems pretty much permanent. Using my New Age Powers such as heat vision and shooting thunderballs from my ass has really helped in ending this addiction.

My lungs, though, constantly need to cough out tar and other brown things.

I have also restarted my work. I have a movie to do, and a novel which takes precedence now. There are others, and those are for later, because I don't know if the people are serious or not. In freelance, you never count anything as granted before signing the contract.

I mean, if I count ALL my other unconfirmed projects, I am set to make US$400 million this year. Which is totally unreliastic, of course.

It is slowly picking up its pace, and I hope to be able to deliver everything without relying on a single stick of cigarette.

Oh well. Time to shut up and do some work.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Jejak Kelana: Syukur 2011

Bapak aku selalu cerita, jenis makanan dan hidangan paling hebat dia pernah makan adalah di sekolah Inggeris yang dia pergi masa dia muda dulu.

Pengetuanya mat salleh. Orang Amerika. Tukang masaknya baba rasanya. Pengetua duduk sekali dengan budak-budak dekat asrama, dan makan bersama. Jadi, makanan mesti best.

Bapak aku cerita, kau boleh ambik banyak mana makanan pun, tapi kau mesti habiskan. Kalau tak habis, sekali tak apa. Dua kali, kau kena panggil jumpa pengetua.

Masuk dalam bilik pejabatnya.

Dia akan bertanya, "Are you sick?" Kau sakit ke? Kalau kau geleng atau angguk, langkah seterusnya sama. Pengetua akan mencapai sebalang kuinin di atas almari, dan paksa kau minum sesudu besar.

Kuinin adalah ubat malaria dan amat pahit - mungkin salah satu jenis benda paling pahit. Sememangnya ubat yang sesuai untuk mereka yang tidak menghargai makanan dan rezeki.

Aku pergi makan kat banyak tempat baru-baru ni.

Dua hari lepas, lepak dengan member-member, pergi makan Siput Sedut Penghapus Dewa. Gila sampai empat mangkuk (awalnya) kena sental macam orang gila. Puas hati aku tengok semua orang makan.

Pastu datang la seorang lagi member aku ni. Dahlah lambat. Pastu dia ni aku, perhatikan, daripada dulu lagi, memang akan ambik banyak lauk lepas tu tak habiskan.

Bukan aku kisah pasal duit. Lagipun, bukan aku yang bayar. Siput sedut pun bukanlah mahal mana. Tapi aku paling tak suka kalau makan, ambik banyak-banyak, pastu tak habis.

Masa Selangorlicious Beach Party, makan stail buffet. Jadi, aku memang takut benda yang sama jadi.

Mujurlah, mamat-mamat kat table aku jenis kuat melantak. Pembaziran minimal.

Aku pernah keluar dengan Sunder, yang order hampir semua benda kat menu. Pastu tak makan habis pun. Tapi, dia dulu memang kaki botol. Dia dalam keadaan luar kawalan. Sekarang dia dah okay dah.

Yang dalam keadaan terkawal, memang tiada maaf bagimu.

Aku tengok pun, sesetengah budak-budak Melayu diajar sejak kecik, satu-satunya cara orang keliling mereka menunjukkan kasih sayang adalah dengan membazirkan wang untuk mereka. Budak-budak macam ni akan membesar sebagai orang dewasa yang ada lubang dalam jiwanya. Lubang yang akan cuba diisi dengan pelbagai perkara. Kebanyakannya membawa kepada kemusnahan.

Bagi aku, keadaan paling bagus adalah apabila kau mengambil makanan yang cukup-cukup untuk kau makan sampai kau kenyang, tanpa pembaziran.

AKu rasa kalau membazir, macam menghina tukang masak, menunjukkan rasa tamak, dan menempelak Tuhan yang memberi kau rezeki. Kau buat banyak kali, rezeki ditarik balik. Bukan pakai magik, tapi sikap tak hargai rezeki itu sendiri akan buat rezeki senang bercerai dari tangan.

Jangan pulak sampai paksa diri habiskan benda yang tak boleh habis, sampai jadi gemuk. Hahaha. Aku jadi gemuk pun, masa aku budak dulu, pasal aku sentiasa habiskan apa yang ada atas pinggan.

Yang penting adalah meramal dengan tepat berapa banyak kau nak makan, berapa banyak kau nak habiskan, dan apa yang kau nak serta taknak makan.

Kalau kau orang Islam, kau patut tahu yang Islam melarang pembaziran. Lebih-lebih lagi, pasal makanan. Sampai tahap, nasi boleh menangis la, apa la. Tapi biasa la, orang Melayu. Bukannya dengar sangat.

AKub tengok bapak aku sekarang, banyak benda dia tak boleh makan. Selagi aku boleh makan ni, aku akan hargai masa aku dengan makanan.

Susceptible to Anal Rape

This year, I have been asked by several people whether or not this or that person are suseptible to bribes.

The next person to ask me this - I'm reporting you to MACC, and hope that they interview you at night.

I have never given any sort of bribe in my life. Never. And I have never accepted any either. I am not part of the whole corruption scene and believe that if I were to take bribes, it should be over USD400 million.

A lot of Malays who get caught for corruption, take only 10K-100K. Which is pathetic. If you want to sell out, sell out for millions, at the very least.

And that is all I have to say about the issue. Please do not ask me about corruption level of people and do not include me in your corrupted plans. I am not a rat like you.

Beaching (Also: Beached Whales, Beach Buttocks, And other Puns and Whatever the Fuck)

NOTE: NOT FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION*

I just got back from spending the day at Sepang Gold Coast for a Selangorlicious Beach Party event.

I went alone, as no one I invited was available. I prefer travelling alone, though, as it means I am free to do anything. Like farting.

Since I got some inside info that the attendees would be treated by no less than FIVE restaurants by the beach, I decided to only eat crackers the whole day. This meant crackers for breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies, luncheon, mid-afternoon tea and tea. Though for tea, I decided to try out Sepang Gold Coast's Golden Palm Tree Cafe.

This was because we would be allowed to eat around 7++pm, and we had reached there around 5++ - a full 2 hours!

So I settled on two eggs and a toated ciabatta or a toasted flattened watery English dinner bread, which was great, by the way.

After the initial speeches and whatever, the feast started.

I. ATE. A LOT.

Fresh water prawns, mantiss prawns, tiger prawns, prawn dim sum, prawn wantan, mini-lobsters (?), bamboo lala, steamboat, crabs - steamed, curried, boiled, crab fritters, crab balls, etc.

Onion rings, roti canai, roti bom, murtabak, roasted chicken, laksa, various types of rice, bread, whatever you can imagine, though no Siput Sedut, of course.

There were performances by Black Dragon and an orang asli group. It would be great to pen down their folk tales and do contemporary comic books based on them, one day.

It was a fantastic marathon. Ruhayat X, who started the Selangorlicious initiative, working with Tourism Selangor, should run for office. I'd vote him as President of Selangor. Kondom Konkrit for 2011!

Adam, Izat, Dian, and the nameless multitude of people. Tourism Selangor, everyone at the resort and the cooks and chefs - all made sure the event ran smoothly.

I did get hold of one walkie-talkie that was left lying around, though.

Unfortunately, my repeated prompts "Red Five, this is Red Leader..." didn't catch anyone.

Anyway, I made sure that I didn't fill my stomach to the brim, to ensure safe passage home.

So when I got to Amcorp mall at 11.30pm, I went for a late night Root Beer Float. It's been around two years since I had it.

All in all, a feast worthy of a king. Or a King of Kings.

* The day also saw three people being awarded prizes for best pictures. And the bloggers who post a report on the activities at the Beach Party stand to win prizes.
As I am affiliated with the Selangorlicious judging panel, I do not want to be involved in that competition. Plus this is just a thing I write about my day, without even properly naming the 5 restaurants and reviewing which dish was the best and stuff.

ANyway, great job, guys! Here's to more Selangorlicious! events in future years, whether Selangor is under BN or PR! Let's kick racism and politics out of food.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Vagabond: Heaven and Earth

The chaos in which I was embroiled a month ago is dissipating like a pea-soup fog.

I just need a few days of rearranging a few things, to gather my thoughts and regroup my energy and forces.

And then, with my feet on the ground and my hands in the air, I shall be the fulcrum on which the universe turns. Heaven and Earth SHIFT!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Christianasaurus

Big news here in Malaysia is that Christians, Communists and I dunno - atheists? - want to install Christianity as the country's official religion.

Reason? Maybe because if you make fun of Christian priests raping the buttholes of underaged choirboys - while the Pope rapes them in the face - you don't get a bomb in your daughter's vagina which would kill 20 Jews and injuring 36 or some shit.

The opposition party - which somehow annexed the island of Penang already - has in retaliation to the accusation, banned right-wing newspaper Utusan Malaysia from some parts of the island. By banning a newspaper that does not print views they like, the opposition has succeeded in promoting freedom of speech and tolerance for everyone's views, no matter how stupid the view seems to be.

My take on it? Yes, there is a conspiracy to make Christianity the official religion of Malaysia. This is after the conspiracy to make a blind Chinese man 'President of Malaysia'. Lim Kit Siang - the Malaysian Chinese Gus Dur.

BIG FUCKING DEAL.

I assure you, installing Christianity as the official religion in Malaysia will only serve to fulfill my childhood dream of becoming a serial killer. I will bomb every house of worship I could find and kill as many people as I can.

Why? Because unlike Islam, Christianity has no terrorists crazy enough to bomb other people out of spite. Except the ones in Ireland. And the United States Military.

Anyway, before anything could be done, I think this heat will kill us all first. Heat wave in Malaysia was so bad, I saw politicians dressed as giant monitor lizards under Midvalley Megamall.

I'm serious. I saw 3-4 of the fuckers and they were as big as crocodiles.

I told this to The Malay Mail but to this day, they have failed to capture any photo of the animals. When told, some friends at NST demanded that I take photos, write the story myself and publish it in a rival newspaper.

Truly, the standards of journalism has gone down. Oh woe is me.

THE WORLD IS GOING TO FUCKING END.

Anyway, those lizards are fucking huge, man!

Intermission: Absent Without Leave

I've been busy lately. Was sick for two weeks. Really sick. I got chronic bronchitis and I think I'm borderline COPD - chronic obstructive pulmonary disease or some shit like that.

Means my airwaves are blocked. These past two weeks, I was coughing blood and pus. NOT a good way to spend my time.

I quit smoking. For good. No 'I'm trying to quit'. or 'I'll quit in December' or 'I'm quitting smoking.' No. I quit. Forever. Goodbye, so long, adieu.

Diagnosis is, after my three-pack-a-day smoking addiction, it will take between 5-10 years to get my lungs back into shape - whatever that was NOT ravaged by cigarettes.

Some of my projects are winding down, and some of them are just starting to take flight. I got some stuff I shelved - like the Fixi project - that I need to restart soon.

Am also waiting for some negotiations to confirm my shit for the second half of the year. I said no to some high-profile projects, simply because I was not sure I can commit the time or energy fully for those projects.

I do not believe in spending 10% of my time, focus and energy on one project and then running off to nine other things. I'd rather just focus on a few.

Another reason why I haven't written here so much is because I'm teaching some kids. I got a gig as a lecturer at a private university college. I wasn't asked not to swear, but I always think teaching is some sort of responsibiolity and you gotta be some sort of fucking role model or some shit.

I mean, I'm no fucking role model or anything, but while I'm teaching, I don't want to go out there and do stuff that requires a lot of adult guidance for kids, see?

Kids are all right. Well-behaved, most of them, most of the time, and there is eagerness. They're quite unsure, though. They need some experience in the field. Have a feel on how the world works. Meet idiots. See idiots work. See idiots run. Run, idiot, run. Laugh at idiots. Get screwed by idiots. Get backstabbed by idiots. All that jazz.

I got my schedule full till July, and if I do a good enough job and if I feel comfortable teaching, I think I'll go forward and teach some more. We'll see. I take things a day at a time.

I got myself a backlit keyboard last week, and I'm still fucking stoked about that. Been hard, trying to find keyboards that work for me. Also bought a new toilet seat since I haven't been using one for the past year and a half.

Oh, and a new Blackberry battery that now allows me to use my phone for a whole day on a single charge.

I got some other news as well, but I think I'll let it slide for now. I'm taking things easy, and slowly. I have cut off drama from my life and am now infusing only one sentiment into my being - I do not mind what happens.

I'll post more shit as and when there is shit to be posted.

For now, know that everything is fine, safe and acording to schedule. Like clockwork.

Cheers.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Henshin! Shining Keyboard Attack!

I was sick as a dog two weeks ago, so I celebrated getting better yesterday by getting a new Blackberry Battery, a new toilet seat, and a backlit keyboard.

Here's the keyboard:





As for the Blackberry battery, well, it looks like a Blackberry battery and the toilet seat is a RM14 purchase from Ace Hardware.

I run through a keyboard a month because I keep eroding the paint/sticker away with my keystrokes. I hope that this keyboard, which puts its letters there via a coating process, can last me at least 4 months.

Not as good as laser-etched, but good enough I hope.

Plus, it's really cool. And cheap. This one is RM89 at All IT Hyperstore at The Curve. There are other brands at RM270++ and above. And yes, I have seen the RM2K aluminum, etched, backlit keyboards as well as the keyboard where it's all a display monitor, but this low-tech solution works for my needs.

Oh, and yesterday, I saw some giant lizards down Midvalley Megamall's drain/river thing. Lizards as big as crocodiles.

Fucking crazy, man! They come out during the heat.

Oh well. I just met a deadline and submitted my shit. Am off to bed now. And leave my SHINING FINGER! Keyboard here.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Aku Cakap Bodoh, Ko Marah

Semalam hari yang bagus untuk aku, tapi hari yang bodoh untuk ahli politik.

Aku bangun aje, aku terbaca benda paling bodoh pernah ditulis haiwan dalam masa 31 tahun.

Azmin Ali, di akaun Twitternya @AzminAli menulis: "Sumbangan Negeri Selangor kepada pendapatan negara melebihi 25 % daripada jumlah pendapatan negara."


Okay. Erm... aku takde ijazah dalam Matematik, tapi aku rasa aku pernah belajar mengira masa darjah tiga atau empat dulu.

Kenyataan ini, bagi aku, tak masuk akal langsung. Macamana ko boleh menyumbang kepada pendapatan negara, lepas tu sumbangan kau, yang menjadi sebahagian pendapatan negara, adalah 125% daripada pendapatan negara?

Okay, secara logiknya, kenyataan ini tak masuk akal, tapi ahli politik memang tak masuk akal.

Ko dulu kerja kat mana? Lehman Brothers? Ooo. Bernie Madoff ke?

Okay, jadi aku fikir, pergilah mampus. Kalau macam ni punya maths, jadi Menteri Kewangan kang, tetiba je dia punya kakak ipar punya akaun, lepas ambik kat ATM RM300, tiba-tiba ada tambah RM15 juta pulak.

Okay, tapi tengahari pulak, aku baca Idris Jala beria-ia pertahankan 1Malaysia Email. Siap beli iklan dalam sotkabar lagi tu.

Well:

1. Isu 1 Malaysia Email dah basi la, Deris. Yang duk kecoh Lim Kit Siang je. Dia pun kena operate mata sekang. Dia nak baca pun susah. Ko kecoh buat apa? kecoh la dulu, masa tengah kena hentam. Sekang ko kecoh, timing yang akan pastikan ko kena hentam SAHAJA.

2. Kau cakap, 1 Malaysia Email tak pakai duit rakyat. Ko tu, wakil apa? Pemandu? Pemandu tu bukan agensi kerajaan ke? Agensi kerajaan bukan pakai duit rakyat ke? Yang ko beli iklan kat paper tu buat apa? Pakai duit sapa?

3. Apasal ko nak terhegeh-hegeh? Biarlah Tricubes jawab sendiri. Keee, kolah Tricubes? Sikap defensive ko sama je macam Anwar Ibrahim nafikan dia beromen dengan pelacur Cina. Nampak sangat rasa bersalahnya.

Banyak lagi isu lain. Isu Lynas, pun dikendalikan engan BODOH oleh skuad perhubungan dan komunikasi khalayak korang. Menyedihkan. Dan bodoh nak mampus, ko tau tak?

Korang, ahli politik semua, dahlah ramai yang dituduh rasuah, korup, perogol, peliwat, anjing, babi, pukimak semua. Dahlah menipu. BODOH pulak tu.

Okay, kejahatan, aku boleh paham. Okay, hati ko hitam, ko nak masuk neraka, aku paham. Jadi BODOH lagi MEMBODOHKAN ni, aku tak paham. Macamana keturunan ko tak mampus zaman deneso dulu?

Kalau nak dibandingkan, korang semua ni macam lagi tak berguna dari ulat taik, korang tau tak? Mat Rempit pun lagi pandai daripada korang ni. Kalau aku ada mesin masa Doraemon, aku pergi jumpa tok nenek korang masa diorang budak lagi, pastu aku sula sampai mati, supaya takde keturunan BODOH lagi MEMBODOHKAN macam korang dan mak bapak korang.

Pergilah mampus.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

To Speak Ill

It is very difficult for me to explain to some people that I am sick. In my eight years working in the media, I have hidden my illnesses and sometimes powered through fevers, flus and at one point kidney stones.

I am currently sick and I am fortunate to be working with people who do understand that during recovery, I would not be able to meet their snap deadlines.

To further illustrate the kind of illness that incapacitates me, I have been coughing out blood for the past few days. And every time I get into a coughing fit, I cough out pus from my lungs.

This is because my upper respiratory tract has been infected. It is the result of my three-pack a day smoking habit.

Now, while I pay the price, it means that I do not smoke and take medication that cause drowsiness. I limit my trips to the outside world because it exposes my lungs to more bacteria and air-conditioned places.

I am sure I am not the only person in the world to get bronchitis, but to me it is a very debilitating disease and quite annoying.

I have also lost my voice and won't be entering any singing competitions in the near future.

I am not one of those liars who pretend to be sick and take off days or avoid anything. When I say I am sick, I am really sick.

And without cigarettes, you best not be on my bad side.

The Disease

Some people have cancer. Others, AIDS. Me? I have bronchitis.

Cue THEME SONG.

Been having this for years now. Every several months, it flares up and I'd be coughing up pus from my lungs.

Whenever I get bronchitis, I can't write for long periods, and I can't smoke, which means I can't write and I take medication that puts me out like a light every few hours. Which means that I can't write for long periods.

I can only write for, like, 5 minutes and then... Zzzzzzzzzz

Whatever I Do is Art

I am nursing a bad case of bronchitis, when I discovered yesterday that everything I do is motherfucking art.

I watched So You Think You Can Dance and I finally realised that everything I have ever written in my life, is motherfucking art.

My writing has transcended the form and is now hoity-toity art. EXPENSIVE hoity-toity art. So, no more freebies, brosephs. I'm charging an arm and a leg for anything and everything I do.

I'm serious. I won't do no stupid ass jobs for pittance no more. I'm like, a fancy French hooker, who charges you real money for handjobs.

I am an artist. WIthout the 'e'. Which is more expensive than an artiste with the 'e', which is more like, fake artist.

Now, if I can just recover from this bronchitis, I can start charging premium for my art, which is everything I do.