Monday, October 28, 2019

STICKY: Federal Territory for Amir Hafizi!

Please click on the widget on the upper right side of this blog and help me pay off my PTPTN loans. And possibly get me a ride.

I have joined the Blog4FT competition. It's a blogging competition where people write about the Federal Territories - KL, Putrajaya and Labuan.

I entered because last night, I was looking down and saw only my dick, with throbbing veins and flexing its muscle. So I decided to enter in the media category (so most of you bloggers need not worry. I'm not competing with you).

First prize is a Kia Optima Novus (for the media category).

If I win, I'm going to sell it off and pay my PTPTN debt in one shot. I will wear a baju Melayu to the PTPTN office and have the major television event recorded. I will then post it on YouTube as an example on how to handle payment to PTPTN, in style.

Whatever money that is left will be used for two things - to get myself another, cheaper, used car, as well as to fund my trips to Thailand.

This is the only way I can write another installment of National Pornographic Special and Discovery Travel and Fucking.

Tet tet tet teeee tet! Tet tet tet teeeee tet! Tet tet tet teee tet tet tet tet teng! Dong dong!

So vote for me, bitches! Your votes count for 30% of the points. You can also click here:



This is a sticky post and will stay up here until the contest ends in January next year.

Monday, May 27, 2019

STICKY: Tulis Surat Kepada PTPTN

NOTA: INI ADALAH ARTIKEL 'STICKY' YANG TIDAK AKAN DITURUNKAN SEHINGGA BAYARAN PINJAMAN AKU KEPADA PTPTN DILANGSAIKAN (OLEH AKU SENDIRI) ATAU SEHINGGA PTPTN MENUKAR CARA MEREKA MENDAPATKAN KEMBALI PINJAMAN YANG TIDAK BERBAYAR.

NOTE: THIS IS A 'STICKY' POST, AND WILL NOT BE TAKEN DOWN UNTIL I COMPLETED PAYBACK TO PTPTN OR UNTIL SUCH TIME WHEN PTPTN CHANGES ITS METHODS IN RECOVERING UNPAID LOANS.

Sebelum aku berhenti bercakap pasal PTPTN dalam usaha aku memberi tumpuan kepada urusniaga menjual bontot demi membayar 12% faedah pinjaman PTPTN, ini aku kepilkan alamat-alamat berkenaan.

Aku bercadang untuk menulis surat kepada mereka untuk memberitahu perihal masalah PTPTN. Senang je. Surat rasmi. Ko bayangkan, kalau satu juta surat, hard copy, sampai kat diorang ni. Soft copy, dia delete je. Hard copy, dia kena failkan.

Mintak tolong mak bapak dan adik-adik ko tulis sekali.

Kalau korang semua ada pengalaman buruk dengan PTPTN, sila hantar kepada diorang. Jangan hantar pada aku.

Perlu diingat: AKU TAKKAN MERAYU UNTUK KURANGKAN FAEDAH yang dikenakan pada aku. Atau nak mintak duit free. Kalau ko nak mintak duit free, ko boleh buat kempen ko sendiri. Ini semua bukan tujuan aku.

Aku memang berhutang, dan aku harus bayar. Wajib. Pasal bila aku tuntut apa yang orang lain patut bayar pada aku pun, aku nak diorang bayar.

Tujuan utama aku cuma untuk memberitahu masalah yang dihadapi peminjam PTPTN apabila ingin membayar balik.

Kalau dah cakap, ”Kami takkan terima apa-apa pelan pembayaran.” dan ”Kami akan mengheret ke mahkamah dan mengecaj kadar faedah 12%” serta ”Terpulang pada PTPTN untuk menerima pembayaran daripada kamu”, aku rasa macam berurusan dengan Ah Long je.

Fokus aku pada:

1. Layanan khidmat pelanggan PTPTN daripada semua bahagian yang aku hubungi.
2. Masalah dengan saman dan protokol perundangan.
3. Cara pembayaran kepada PTPTN.
4. Pengenaan kadar faedah sejak beberapa tahun lepas dan BUKAN pada tarikh pengeluaran keputusan penghakiman.

Lepas aku hantar, aku letak kat sini. Korang nak copy, go ahead.



Datuk Seri Najib Tun Abdul Razak
Perdana Menteri Malaysia
d/a
Principal Private Secretary to the Prime Minister
Office of the Prime Minister of Malaysia
Main Block, Perdana Putra Building
Federal Government Administrative Centre
62502 PUTRAJAYA
MALAYSIA


Y.B. DATO' SERI MOHAMED KHALED BIN NORDIN
Menteri Pengajian Tinggi
PEJABAT MENTERI
ARAS 7 BLOK E3 PARCEL E
PUSAT PENTADBIRAN KERAJAAN PERSEKUTUAN
62505 W.P.(PUTRAJAYA)
minister@mohe.gov.my
TEL: 03-88835010
FAKS : 0388891952



En. Yunus Abdul Ghani
Ketua Pegawai Eksekutif Perbadanan Tabung Pengajian Tinggi Negara (PTPTN)
Wisma Chase Perdana,
Off Jalan Semantan,
Damansara Heights,
50490 Kuala Lumpur.

Oh ya. Simpan semua dokumen yang kau terima, terutamanya daripada firma guaman.

Dapatkan khidmat nasihat peguam. Juga ada Unit Bantuan Guaman untuk mereka yang miskin atau tak kenal lawyer atau bukan lawyer di semua bandar utama.

Lepas dapatkan khidmat nasihat mereka, sila hantar aduan berkenaan firma guaman berkenaan kepada Bar Council:

Salina Lim Abdullah
Malaysian Bar Council Executive Officer

Address:
No. 13, 15 & 17, Leboh Pasar Besar
Kuala Lumpur
Malaysia
50050

Telephone: +603-20313003 (Ext.189)
Fax: +603-20316640

Juga, Ahli Lembaga Pengurusan PTPTN:


Y.B Dato’ Dr. Mohamad Shahrum bin Osman
Pengerusi
Ahli Parlimen Lipis


Y.Bhg. Datuk Idrus bin Harun
Peguam Cara Negara
Jabatan Peguam Negara


Encik Nik Hassan Shah bin Nik Ab. Rahman
Timbalan Setiausaha Bahagian
Bahagian Kawalan dan Pemantauan
Kementerian Kewangan Malaysia


Y.Bhg. Datuk Dr. Zulkefli bin A. Hassan
Ketua Setiausaha
Kementerian Pengajian Tinggi Malaysia


Y.Bhg. Tan Sri Dr. Zulkurnain bin Haji Awang
Ketua Setiausaha
Kementerian Pelajaran Malaysia


Encik Che Omar bin A. Rahaman
Timbalan Ketua Pengarah (Pematuhan)
Lembaga Hasil Dalam Negeri


Y.B. Datuk Halimah binti Mohamed Sadique
Ahli Parlimen Tenggara


Cik Mariany binti Mohammad Yit (Mariany & Co.)
Ahli Yang Dilantik Oleh Y.B. Menteri

Aku dapat daripada:

http://www.ptptn.gov.my/web/english/corporate/management

Kalau salah, gambar, sila rujuk di laman web berkenaan.

Diorang semua ko boleh hantar kat pejabat diorang sendiri atau kau hantar je kat alamat PTPTN:

Wisma Chase Perdana,
Off Jalan Semantan,
Damansara Heights,
50490 Kuala Lumpur.

Kalau kempen aku yang pertama ni tak berjaya, aku akan carikan alamat pejabat diorang dan juga alamat rumah, kalau sampai ke tahap tu.

Perlu diingat, tak perlu maki diorang macam orang gila. Kita ni, orang Malaysia, orang berhemah. Cuma, berikan penjelasan berkenaan masalah yang ko hadapi.

Lagipun, kita ni penghutang yang hina.

Aku sibuk sekarang, jadi aku takkan tulis sampai first week of June. Pastu aku akan hantar. Kalau korang nak tulis dulu, korang tulis lah. Aku akan buat templat kalau korang nak, pasal aku penulis – ini memang kerja aku.

Korang print, tukar nama dan IC, pastu hantar. Hard copy, tau. Soft copy boleh delete je.

Aku jugak akan dapatkan khidmat nasihat dari peguam yang aku kenal untuk pastikan aku tak langgar undang-undang.

Kalau aku dapat respon yang wajar dikongsi, aku akan letakkan di sini. Kat website aku.

Sambil tu, aku akan berusaha keras untuk membayar kembali pinjaman PTPTN. Perlu diingat, kita di pihak penghutang. Hak kita sama macam hak anjing kurap je. Tapi aku takkan membiarkan pengalaman buruk aku berurusan dengan PTPTN hilang begitu sahaja.

Daripada ko undi pembangkang, baik ko hantar surat kepada semua orang ni.

Ingat. Takde sapa yang akan tolong kita melainkan diri sendiri.

Dan jangan lupa untuk menyimpan semua surat yang ko hantar/terima. Pastu hantar kat aku imej scan nya.

Saya Yang Menjalankan Tugas,

Setan Kuning

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Almanak Masakan Bumi dan Langit: Pendekar Lauk-Pauk



Hari tu, aku mencari masakan claypot yang terhebat di Bangsar. Setelah kecewa dengan restoran Cina yang ada juga menghidangkan babi dan katak, tetapi gagal secara menyeluruh dalam perihal masakan claypot, aku mendekati isu ini dengan penuh hati-hati.

Japl. Refresh Google news, takut Lindsay Lohan mati.

Okeh. Aku pun menjejakkan kaki ke Bangsar, Sabtu lepas. Aku cari di Lucky Garden. Kiri, kanan, semua takde. Aku tanya satu mamat ni.

Dia cakap, "Claypot jual malam saja."

Masa tu, pukul 12 tengahari. Okaylah, aku pun makan nasi ayam lipas. Nasi ayam lipas adalah nasi ayam di gerai lipas. Gerai lipas adalah gerai yang dipenuhi lipas.

Selepas makan, mesti sakit perut. Mujur aku ada pil arang yang boleh mnyerap semua toksin.

Selepas makan, dan sakit perut, aku kembali keesokan harinya, untuk mencari masakan claypot yang hebat. Pada pukul 10 malam.

Malang tidak berbau, kedai itu baru saja tutup.

Aku: Ni, bukak bila ni?

Nyonya: Cuti sampai Rabu depan. Bukak 5 petang sampai 10 malam.

Dengan hati yang patah, aku pun pergi makan nasi ayam di restoran tidak halal - Ipoh Old Town.

Nasi ayamnya telah melanggar undang-undang nasi ayam - mereka menggunakan nasi putih!

Oh, betapa aku dalam kesakitan! Kesakitan!

Aku takkan makan kat situ lagi.

In Zodd We Trust

I can't remember. St George killed the dragon. So who killed the demon? St Michael? Right?

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Another Unprecedented Attack on Liberals: Just for Fun

So I came back early from an event tonight, to rest at home. I have itchy fingers, so I can't stay still. If my fingers aren't inside some pussy, they starts to move on their own.

Before I jack off, I decided to attack liberals. Malaysian liberals, are like the now-extinct Neon-Green Limping Zebras of the Serengeti. They're the easiest targets ever.

First of all, they're defensive as hell. They try to take the moral high ground, but conservatives are already there. With nowhere to go, they're fucking screwed, man.

So I was surfing the net, trying to find liberals to goof on. I couldn't find any. All them motherfuckers dead.

Oh well. I am content to wait.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Intermission: Gone with the Boron (World's Most Boring Man)

Tonight, I met an old friend I haven't seen in more than three years. She has lost a lot of weight and now looks really hot.

We traded stories and stuff.

On the national front, the Malaysian football team won gold, due to an own goal by the opponents. Congratulations.

I was more fascinated by reactions from fans, Malaysians like me.

Some people were realistic.

"We won by an own goal. I'm not overly joyed or anything. A gold's a gold, still."

Some, were outright negative.

"Elehhhh.. we won by an own goal. That doesn't count!"

And yet more, who never supported the Malaysian team, suddenly love them to bits.

Well, I guess Malaysian football does deserve a break. Enjoy the spotlight while it lasts, guys. Enjoy the love.

Cause (mostly) everybody... loves a winner. Blablabla.

I watched Avatar this week, which to me is the best movie in the last 10 years. I love the 'evil colonists vs tree-hugging native hippies' angle. Makes me feel so very the nationalistic.

No matter what, I still love Malaysia. I want to improve on certain things in the country, I want to do some stuff. I know some shit are just fucked up, but it's not that bad.

I'm betting everything on Malaysia. Two years ago, up till last year, I had the chance to leave. For some reason which I did not fully comprehend back then, I didn't. I turned my back on money, a more developed society and better Internet, so that I could be here.

I have no malicious intent, though I do believe that some people should die. Fuck off and die.

But I'm staying. Not because I am a masochist. Far from it. I hate pain. I just believe that it is possible to live without pain in this country. I mean, there's always morphine.

Most pain and suffering are just overreactions and overdramatisations by the ego. To get caught up in it is stupid. And we always have a choice.

I have decided not to live my life in pain. I am so sorry that I can't make the same decision for others. And I can't judge other people's choices. I no longer have a desire to be seen as right. I am arrogant enough to say this:

"I don't need people to tell me I'm right. I know I'm right."

And I'm right to stay. Right here in Malaysia. Fulfilling my function, my aspect. Come what may.

On to cheerier things. My first movie came out! MySpy! Yay! Woo! In two years, I wrote seven movies. I think three will come out soon. The rest are in good hands. I mean, MySpy was sent and before I knew it, it was finished and was in the cinemas already.

I met a fancy French filmmaker once. He told me, most people usually only do 10 movies in their lifetime. I'll try and triple that number or something.

I got stories up my ass, man. Enough to last me four lifetimes. I hope I can do one next year.

Useless to plan, though. I am blessed in the sense that I have always been lucky. I mean, I wasn't born in Rwanda during the fighting between the Hutus and the Tutsis. And though most of my plans are scuppered, it always comes out better than I could ever hope for.

Take MySpy, for instance. I was very much afraid that it would be a bad one, but when I saw it, I didn't hate it. Thank you so very much to the filmmakers for that one. The producers, the director and the editors, actors, key grip, cameramen, line producers, multitude of assistants and whoever else. The movie wasn't just mine. Thanks for including me in the team.

Next year, next year. Ah, well. I shall deal with that when it comes. For tomorrow is another day. I'll do a proper year-end roundup soon.

Cheers!

For Neytiri! For Avatar!

Watching Avatar has awakened a spirit of nationalism in me. Especially after I am using Natio face wash for men.

And so, before I go, let me share with you my favourite nationalist song. It's Irish:



Here are the lyrics:

They come over here and they take all our land
They chop of our heads and they boil them in oil
Our children are leaving and we have no heads
We drink and we sing and we drink and we die

We have no heads, we have no heads

They come over here and they chop off our legs
They cut off our hands and put nails in our eyes
O'Grady is dead and O'Hanrahan's gone
We drink and we die and continue to drink

O'Hanrahan, no O'Hanrahan

They buried O'Neill down in Country Shillhame
The poor children crying a fe dee din de
Hin fle di din fle di din fle de din de
In hey bibble bibble hey bibble bibble hey fle bibble de

O'Hanrahan, no O'Hanrahan

We drink and we sing and we drink and we sing, hey!
We drink and we drive and we puke and we drink, hey!
We drink and we fight and we bleed and we cry, hey!
We puke and we smoke and we drink and we die, hey!

A Christmas Carol: A Review

After watching Avatar, I will have to divide time between two periods.

B.A - Before Avatar.

A.A - After Avatar.

After Avatar, everything is a bit tasteless and dull. Guy Ritchie, one of my favourite directors, and Robert Downey Jr, one of my favourite actors of all time, failed to do much for me with Sherlock Holmes - my favourite fictional detective ever.

And so with some dread, I went and watched Robert Zemeckis' A Christmas Carol. It had Jim Carrey in it, so I was expecting more of his performance in Lemony Snickett.

The result? Humbug! I didn't quite enjoy it, probably because of these reasons:

1. I didn't write the movie.

- I'm biased towards movies I wrote. I like my own work.

2. I just watched Avatar.

- Avatar blew my mind, and I wish Neytiri could give me a blowjob.

3. I have read the original A Christmas Carol shit before, several times, when I was a child.

- and also watched so many TV specials based on it. My favourite take on this classic tale was an animated one, where Scrooge's resistance to Christmas was embodied in his taking snuff, but never allowing himself to sneeze. It was a metaphor for letting go and accepting the world as it is which is missing from A Christmas Carol.

4. I don't like 3D.

- After The Incredibles, no 3D movie has ever caught my fancy. I'm partial to traditional 2D animation, or cell-shading such as the style used for Futurama. Cell-shading is using 3D models, but making it look like 2D. The Japanese anime Vandread uses cell-shading a lot, as well as Blue Submarine No 6, to an extent.

- Avatar is a special case. In fact, since Twilight has their legion of Twilighters and Twihards, I am thinking of setting up Avataristas or Avataricers just to start a bloodbath going.

All in all, a 'meh' from me for A Christmas Carol. I prefer The Polar Express, really.

Carrey's acting was okay, but nothing to shout about. They stayed true to the book, which is good...but...meh.

Anyway, I caught one of the last shows, so this review has no use whatsoever. Just doing it to waste time before I go for an event.

See you later!

Random Horny Attack

I want to fuck her. I want to fuck the blue chick in Avatar. I want to go and yank her organic USB port, and lick it for the better part of an afternoon.

Seven feet tall. Blue. Runs naked in the jungle. Organic USB port. Yeah, I want to also insert my own organic USB intu her port. Yeah...

I don't want Rebecca Romijn. I don't want Mystique. I don't even want Zoe Saldana. I just want Neytiri.

Me: Interface with me, biatch!

Neytiri: Werkh!

Me: Here, kitty, kitty. You want these, huh? You want these?

Neytiri: Khwerrrr!

Me: I wanna fuck you!

Relationships With Everything

I am blessed to have friends. I am not lording it over you all here, but I am grateful to have friends. People who are on my corner, no matter what. Unless I fuck their wives/partners or some shit, I guess.

This appreaciation I found, after years of observing how other people think they have friends, are arrogant about it, and then get stabbed in the back with a lawnmower.

This is especially true, with women. Most women hate each other. They see each one as a competition. In fact, women in general still see everything as a competition, as if we just climbed off that tree and started walking on two legs yesterday.

Women hate other women.

I have seen women who were as close as sisters, stab each other in the back. As soon as the other one is out of sight, is on leave, went to the bathroom or some shit like that, knives are drawn!

Bitch: I love ya, sistah!

Whore: I love you too!

Bitch: I need to go to the bathroom to shove a tampon up my bleeding vagina. Take care! Miss ya!

Whore: Miss ya!

Me: ...

Whore: Oh my God, I just can't stand her!

Me: What? I thought you two were friends. I mean, are friends.

Whore: I can't stand her! She's out to destroy me!

Me: Destroy you? How?

Whore: She thinks she's cute!

Me: ...

Me: ...and?

Whore: She's out to destroy me!

Stab! Stab! Stab!

I just got queasy looking at it.

Even 'mother-daughter' relationships, the master and the apprentice, the carnage made me want to puke. Oh my God! What the fuck, man?

Makes me glad I'm not a woman.

Keeping friends, I have some rules. Like Bill maher or some shit, but just not as funny.

1. Never treat people as enemies, just as possible accomplices.

- WHy? Cause you never know. Some of my best friends right now, are fuckers I thought were lame. Look at Cheepork. Back in school, he was a lame-ass motherfucker. Even lamer than me. At least I knew I wasn't cool.

Right now, he's one of my best friends. He's still lame, cause to a lot of women, he's a dick in a glass case (in case of emergency, break open glass).

Furthermore, it's also about your relationship with the world. If you treat the world and its people as torture, that is EXACTLY what you are going to get. The world will turn into an iron maiden. You won't even be happy when you're dead.

And while some people are out to get your blood, most don't even have the time to think about you, cause they're doing exactly what you're doing - thinking about themselves. You are not the center of other people's universe, just your own.

2. Some things, you just gotta let slide.

For one, politics.

I lost some friends cause I hate the opposition and they're Anwar's cock-suckers. PUS cocksuckers.

If people want to play their racist politics, let them, but don't join in.

Also, religion.

I almost lost one friend cause I gave him Bill Maher's Religulous, which makes fun of religion. He spent four hours trying to find out what brand religion I'm smokin'.

If you ask me, my religion is 'Not a devout Muslim'. I know a lot about religion, but I am not religious. Hell or heaven or a big, black hole, that's not my business. That's God's business.

I also hate loud-mouthed atheists, cause they're just as bad as fundamentalists. Shoving their dogma down people's throats, they can be quite annoying. Like liberals AND conservatives.

So some things, you just gotta let slide. No point focusing on them. Why? Why? Why do you want to focus on something no one has the answer to?

To be right? Man, that's no reason to be friends with anyone. You wanna be right, get a degree and be a lawyer and argue in court. I thought you are with friends to enjoy their company, not to be undisputed asshole of the world.

3. No competition allowed.

Some married people my age get together so they could lord it over each other and compare and compete on how 'sucessful' each one is as compared to the other.

And when I say 'successful', I mean how many kids they have, whose kids are doing better, and how much money they make.

I once talked to some married fuckers and I made the mistake of mentioning that I don't think much of a certain public figure. And he said, "Well, he's successful. He's making money."

What he was trying to say was, "I'm making money. More money than YOU. So fuck YOU!"

Then I started running my mouth about making movies, and he left! Not that I'm making any serious money from movies, I can tell you that. But it was something I had he didn't, and he couldn't handle it.

He needed to be admired, to be envied. What a needy motherfucker. Judgment! But no BFF there.

4. In conclusion

Friends are good. And it's good to have friends from all sorts of places. Just relax and enjoy the ride. A lot of people destroy their lives because of their relationships with the world around them. Everything and everyone is an enemy? Your wish is my command, said the world.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go out for a bit.

Appetite for Destruction

I used to study why people get into relationships or why they get married, or stay in abusive relationships - physically, mentally and emotionally - for long periods of time.

I asked them, why do they get married, for instance.

Answers, in no particular order or importance:

1. So that I can have someone to eat with.

- surprisingly, this is the most popular answer. The base instinct of eating takes centrestage, and they just degenerate into Homo Erectus when it comes to finding a mate for eating.

2. I am getting older.

- Truer for women, but most men also go for this bullshit. You're getting older, so? Join the club. Boo fucking hoo.

Your breeding organs shut down? Adopt, foo! There are a billion-kajillion orphans that need care. Go fucking adopt a blind kid or something.

Afraid that when you get old, you'll be ugly? If you think that the only reason people will like you - the ONLY reason - is your looks, and that having people like you is as important as the air you breathe, then you better kill yourself now.

Everyone will be ugly. Jessica Alba will be ugly, one day. Sophia Loren was one day the most beautiful woman in the world. Look at her now. It's normal to grow old, to be ugly, and then to die. When you die, you'll be fucking ugly.

3. In the name of religion.

- Yeah, like 9/11. Like countless wars. Gospel, gold and glory. People have done some really stupid shit for religion, and marriage is one of them.

4. Pressure from [fill in the blanks]

- if you live your life waiting for dictates from other people, can you please do us all a favour and fucking kill yourself right now? Mankind has gone through so much shit to get freedom. To abolish slavery, to have women's suffrage. Giving up that independence - while still a choice in its own - so that you can blame people when things go wrong, is just fucking lame.

All the people I met, when I asked them why they are in this or that relationship, in this or that marriage, or in this or that job, has NEVER, EVER, told me this simple answer:

"I married her cause I love her."

"I am with him cause I love him."

"I am doing this because I love this job."

NEVER. EVER.

Such a simple answer.

I asked my parents, why they got hitched. My mother just shut her mouth. My father said, "Cause it was the right time. I just got a job, and everyone just got married and shit."

Eddie Griffin was right.

"Whatever happened to fallin' in love with a nigger with a bus pass? Just cause you loooove the nigger?"

Boston Legal was right.

"What do you mean, marriage is not about money? Marriage has ALWAYS been about money."

Marriage is a social contract. It's a contract recognised by the Government, put in place by the society. Hence, a social contract. If you hate social contracts, then you should hate marriage.

Then, they're all in pain. Which is fine. Sucks to be you, but fuck you. But the whining! Oh, the whining!

"I cheated on my spouse, and then he/she got suspicious of me!"

Like, duh?

If you kick yourself in the nuts, you'll feel pain, right? Cause and effect, motherfucker. It is a bitch.

Now, I'm not knocking relationships or marriage. I think it's stupid, but I'll defend your right to be stupid. It's your choice. You want to be miserable all your life, go ahead. I quit caring about other people's depression. I quit! Fuck you! Stick a Xanax up your ass or something.

The world's melting. India and China may be manipulated by the US to start a nuclear war. And you whine about how your pussy smell? Fuck you!

From now on, I got a new rule. If you worship pain, go and kill yourself. I'm not going to be a lame-ass superhero who's gonna save everybody. I don't have the time. I don't have the right. Pain and suffering is a choice. Most of it. You have cancer? No? Then fuck you.

Sink or swim. No malice or emotion from me. If you're miserable, it's your fault. Deal with it.

Fuck off. And die.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Tales from the Drunk Side: When Evil Had Its Day

I took off today, so I could go for an assignment.

My ego is rearing its head. Trying to convince me to destroy, destroy, destroy.

I acknowledge its requests, and then focus on my work. I know what it's capable of. Fuck it, man. I will not tap into the powers of a pain-worshipper. The powers of the whiner. I got too much work to do.

On the flip side, I am so happy to see people so passionate about their work. Most people just won't give a shit. We can certainly work on that. Rather than working with deadbeats and dodgers, I am blessed to have such hardworking colleagues.

For me, I am teetering on the fulcrum of good and evil. Good and evil is, essentially, just judgment. There are no good or evil. There is just is. For now, there is Glee. And sleep. Oh, glorious sleep.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Winding Down

Finally home. Straight from the office. Just watched Glee and now, Fringe. Soon, The Mentalist.

I miss Boston Legal. The best-written show on TV ever. It's smart, funny and is multi-layered. It works on so many different levels.

Oh well. I got a day-long assignment tomorrow. G'nite!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The Wrath of Buddha

Using my new Buddha powers of non-judgmental, unemotional, non-hating kicks, I will destroy all pretentious fucks from this planet!

BUDDHA KILL!

Kewlness!

A lot of people seem to want to be cool, but they're stupid, cause the surest way of NOT being cool, is to WANT to be cool.

They think going to parties is cool. Wearing sunglasses is cool. Eating expensive mushrooms dug up by pigs is cool. Watching this movie or that, reading this book or that, listening to this song or that which in turn is associated with their identity, which is then regarded as cool.

Fuck you. That's just the ego, you stupid money-raping ass-munchers.

Nothing in this world is cool.

I hate parties. I hate meeting people. But it's my job sometimes. Do I whine about it? Sometimes. Not all the time, bitches! You whine and bitch about the same old shit, all day, every day, for like 2000 years and you will make everyone bored.

I see people, they tell me the same shitty story, week in, week out.

"Oh they said this, they said that TO MEEEE!"

"When I was younger, I never blabla blabla"

I saw them the next week, and I was like, "Yo bitch, what's up?"

And they went:

"Oh they said this, they said that TO MEEEE!"

"When I was younger, I never blabla blabla"

Oh, for fuck's sake, stick a toilet plunger in your fucking shithole, you fucked up motherfucking cuntsuckers!

If life is so painful, why don't you just go and kill yourself? Save us all the trouble, you little failed-abortion motherfucker!

Wearing shit makes you cool. How? Makes you look good, okay. And? Good looking people are cool? Not necessarily. But whatever. I don't give a shit.

The only thing in the world, the only way to be cool, the only real way, not the pretentious, fucked up, "I wannabe nyehnyehnyeh" thing. THE. ONLY. REAL. WAY.

Is to not give a fuck whether you're cool or not.

You don't care whether you're right, wrong, have a lobster up your ass. Whatever.

You just stop caring.

And that, boys and girls, is the ONLY WAY. To be cool.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Fucking Avatar

I went to see Avatar yesterday, and I immediately want to fuck the blue chick. The seven feet tall blue alien chick. I want to fuck her.

I want to take her organic USB port, and I want to lick it for the better part of an afternoon. After which, I want to ram it up my nostril.

She may look like an azure donkey, but hell, man, aliens are fucking sex-ay!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Intermission: Nightcap

Well, it's been a good, albeit extremely busy week. Did my job, and then some. Couldn't take that day off to sleep, but I managed to sneak in 10 hours in the middle of a six-assignment-weekend.

To top it off, I finally went to see my very first movie, MySpy. It won't win any awards, I think, but I am happy that it is not as bad as some people made it out to be. At least, it's not that bad to me. I'm biased, though, cause I wrote it.

I guess it's like having a kid. No matter what, you'll still like your own kid.

I wasn't really worried about people's perception of the movie, only my own. I was afraid that I would hate it. I didn't. So that was good.

Seeing my name in big letters also gave me a hard on.

Writing the movie was a humbling experience. I didn't know how things worked in pre-production for a full feature film, where I spent most of my time.

I mean, I did TV and animation before, and I thought movies were just very long TV shows. It is, and it's not. Just like how writing poems and writing articles and writing books are totally different. How writing for a newspaper is different from writing online. The idea is the same, but a lot of things are quite different.

Truth be told, I agreed to write or do anything, mostly to see how things work. I accepted jobs writing books, to see how that comes about. I wrote TV stuff to see how that works. Ditto for movies, and going back years ago, how to do articles.

I started taking pictures, to learn how to do them. Stock up on the theories, and go out there and do shit. I have loads of theories. Testing them out may or may not be pleasant, but there is really only one way to find out.

I guess, I am blessed, and I say that with gratitude, not with hubris. Not with arrogance.

Way back when, I wanted to do cartoons. Animation. I wanted to do emo-fu.

So I went to an animation company, amongst 52 other companies I applied to. They gave me a job to do this and that. I wrote my first animation script - in fact, held in my hands the first script of any sort I have ever encountered - when I was 22.

I was part of a team that went to a TV station and told them we wanted to do something cool. They told the team they wanted something more IT-based. Because the minister at the time was into IT.

And so we did, and I was paid money for my first written words. Previously, I was paid doing food reviews with food and only food. Food was my only payment, the food that I ate for the review. It was quite pathetic, but hey, you gotta start somewhere.

After the 52 applications were sent, I went to six interviews. The first one was with NSTP. I did not know what doors that would open.

The other five were with various companies. I got the cold shoulder from magazine people. I did not think I would ever be working with magazines ever again, until I helped make the prototypes for four magazines three years ago.

There were also really weird writing jobs. Insurance companies were looking for someone to re-write forms, because a lot of people who fill in insurance forms can't spell, or can't read. Goes to show well... something, when I did not get that comfy job.

I also began to see that everything in this city needs to be written. Menus, buntings, scripts, books, magazines, journals, TV, movies, whatever. If something was written, somebody must have done it.

The only thing I wanted to do, was write, and get paid for writing. I did not really have any aspirations to be this or that or whatever. Oh, wait. That's a lie. I wanted to write comic books.

I remember the look on my family's faces when I told them, fresh off my finals at UM, that I wanted to be a writer.

"What do you want to write?!" came the hysterical question.

"Comic books," I said.

Now, imagine the hysteria reaching a crescendo. A high F.

I admire Neil Gaiman. At 22, he failed to get his books published, so he became a journalist for eight years.

"Being a journalist taught me how the world works," said Gaiman. "Best training I ever got."

Hanging on to his every word, I decided to be a journalist. I wanted to see what he saw.

I gambled everything. My degree was in Computer Science. I know how to write programmes. Sorry, I KNEW how to write programmes. The new languages the young kids use in programming is now some Mesopotamian gibberish to me. I do have a Rosetta stone, but it will take a while to catch up.

I mean, nested classes, CSS? What the fuck? Back in my day, cascading style sheets were a dead-end user click and download on Dreamweaver. On Dreamweaver! Do they still make those?

Gaiman's first comic, I think, was the Stonkingly Comic Comic Relief Comic - and that was the short version of the name.

I guess my path has driven me somewhere else, other than Gaiman's. But the lessons are there, if I choose to see it.

Oh well. I am happy. We shall see what happens next. Not with dread, fear or unrealistic optimism. We shall see.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Reviu MySpy Yang Terlampau Best

Best pasal dia puji cam gila.

Ambik ko!

Now what, motherfucker?

Masuk Bakul Angkat Sendiri: MySpy

Aku baru je balik menonton filem pertama aku di alam semesta - MySpy. AKu tak sempat nak tengok minggu lepas pasal dua benda:

1. Aku sibuk macam orang gila. Tahap Ketua Saintis Dunia punya sibuk. Sampai aku nak ambik cuti pasal nak tidur, tapi tak jadi.

2. Aku dengar macam-macam benda buruk pasal filem tu. Aku bimbang jugak, kalau nanti lepas tengok, aku balik rumah pastu pergi ke satu sudut, pastu nangis.

Hasilnya? Aku rasa ok je. Takdelah filem teragung yang akan menang Academy Award, tapi sebagai filem pertama yang aku cuba tulis, (berdasarkan format skrip komik dan skrip TV, sebenarnya, pasal masa tu aku takde Final Draft lagi) aku puas hati dengan kerja aku, dan amat menghargai kerja orang lain yang menjayakan filem MySpy ini.

Filem ni aku tulis dalam dua tahun lepas.

Cerita aku dapat kerja tu, mudah je.

Norman KRU call aku, tanya, "Ko nak buat filem tak?"

Aku pun jawab, "Aku ok je."

Aku ikut cakap tok guru aku, Zainal Alam Kadir.

"Kau dapat apa-apa, kau buat je. Kalau kau cakap kau pandai sangat, kau mesti boleh fikirkan cara nak buat benda tu," kata Alam.

Semua benda adalah logik. Common sense. Dan kebanyakan benda, adalah ciptaan manusia. Maka, sebagai manusia, kita boleh buat pun apa-apa yang manusia lain buat. Rasanya mungkin lain, tapi mesti boleh punyalah.

Aku pun pergilah, terhegeh-hegeh ke pejabat diorang, aku dengar apa client nak. Aku pernah buat skrip animation sebelum tu, skrip TV adalah sikit, dan aku pernah buat advertising dan benda yang aku paling selesa buat - journalism. Jadi, sebelum apa-apa, ko kena dengar dulu.

Bagi aku, KRU adalah client. Diorang nak filem macam ni, macam ni, atas spesifikasi ini dan itu. Okay. Jadi, aku buat le.

Yang bagus, kerja dengan KRU ni adalah, kalau kau deal dengan salah satu adik-beradiknya, dia memang dah tahu dengan jelas apa dia nak. Jadi, senang kerja kau.

MySpy adalah filem genre buddy cop. Odd couple. Cerita lawak. Jadi, aku fikirkan, jenis yang sesuai aku ikut adalah filem-filem Hong Kong tahun 80an, macam Aces Go Places, Tricky Master dan beberapa filem lain yang lawaknya memang hanjing. Macam Benny Hill punya komedi, yang menjadi asas filem Austin Powers. Dan juga Mat Sentul.

Berdasarkan itu, aku tulis skrip MySpy. Aku cuma tulis masa hujung minggu je, pasal aku ada kerja masa tu. Kadang-kadang, aku tulis lepas balik kerja.

Dua tiga kali ding-dong, ding-dong, skrip pun lulus.

Pastu, aku dengar, KRU dapat Afdlin Shauki nak arahkan filem ni. Wah, pengarah tersohor! AKu pun excited gila.

AKu ada jumpa dia tiga kali kat tempat berbeza la pulak, pastu tanya pasal sama ada skrip okay ke idak.

Pastu aku hantar revised edition, dan tup-tup, dah shoot.

Lepas habis shoot, editing dibuat di KRU.

Pastu aku berenti Astro, enam bulan aku bertapa, kemudian masuk The Malay Mail balik.

Ni kira fast forward la ni.

Tiba-tiba, aku dengar dah ada Press conference dah. Aku pergi press conference pasal nak support.

Preview dia, aku tak dapat nak pergi, pasal aku sibuk macam Ketua Saintis Dunia.

Sambil tu, aku ada tulis skrip untuk enam buah filem, dengan filem ketujuh masih di tahap synopsis.

Aku baru tengok hasilnya tadi, lepas dah seminggu kat panggung. Aku takkan cakap kat korang macamana nak terima filem ni, tapi secara peribadi, aku rasa okay je.

Aku okay dengan olahan dan garapan Afdlin dan KRU. Aku juga menghargai sumbangan dan jasa baik pelakon-pelakon dan krew yang membuat MySpy - filem pertama aku, satu kenyataan.

Aku rasa best sangat pasal Adlin Aman Ramlie jadi Supt Nan. Dialog aku nampak hidup, pastu dia ada ad-lib sendiri yang jauh lagi best daripada apa yang aku karang kat situ.

Mamat Khalid pun best gak. Dia punya ad-lib memang buat aku iktiraf dia sebagai orang yang faham pasal keperluan babak. Ridhuan Hashim dengan Mamat Khalid memang bergaya persembahannya. Kalau ada rezeki, nak jugak aku bekerja dengan diorang ni pada masa depan.

Aku puas hati dengan Daphne Iking, Carmen Soo, Maria Farida dan Hannah Tan.

Dua orang pelakon utama - AC Mizal dengan Harun Salim Bachik - memang menepati apa yang aku harapkan. Watak AJ tu memang aku tulis untuk AC.

Puji banyak sangat kang, masuk bakul angkat sendiri. Dah angkat dah pun.

Secara jujurnya, aku lega. Aku ingatkan, filem ni teruk sangat sampai aku kena bunuh diri. Lepas aku tengok, aku okay je.

Aku cukup berterima kasih pada KRU kerana memberikan aku kepercayaan untuk menulis skrip filem ni dan beberapa filem lain.

Juga untuk Afdlin yang sanggup mengarah MySpy.

Last but not least, krew dan barisan pelakon MySpy. Kalau korang takde, memang takde filem lah.

Terima kasih banyak-banyak kat semua yang terlibat. Jasa korang semua aku kenang.

Aku sebenar-benarnya lega. Dan sekarang hampir ada tenaga balik nak buat filem lain la pulak. Aku masih berehat untuk bulan Disember 2009. Aku ada banyak kerja nak buat. Tambah-tambah, bapak aku pun sakit. Kena pergi jumpa dia. Tahun depan, aku akan menulis filem dan TV balik.

Tahun depan jugak, dua filem aku akan ke pawagam. Daripada tujuh filem yang aku buat, aku rasa tiga sahaja akan masuk panggung. MySpy salah satu daripadanya. Dua lagi, tahun 2010.

Selamat membuat dan menonton filem!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

The Con-Money-ist Moneyfesto!

When I approached the people in my village to start some sort of charity model for the setting up of a bona fide industry they can rely on, some asked whether or not I was going into politics.

I assured them I was not.

"What did politicians ever do here?" I asked them. And they nodded and winked, conspiratorily.

All politicians are ever good for, back in Kuantan, are for some free food now and then, as well as one-off projects. The big projects, the one that has the potential to last for a long time, are set up bt various Government agencies, not through politicians.

The politician's role is to get the fuck out of the way, and treat people to some free food. And when PUS people come, they're always good for some fire and brimstone hell bullshit speech.

Why did the BN candidate lose Kuantan in the last elections? Because for decades, they have never been that useful. Some free food? Sure. When the floods came, where were they? When the water supply was cut, during Hari Raya, where the fuck were they?

Tell me again how politicians built this country. I'd rather say that the Indonesians and the Bangladeshis built this country.

Sure, they got parliamentary duties. Which most don't go for anyway. And if they're not fighting each other, they're sleeping.

Fighting, eating, sleeping. What is this? Animal Planet? National Geographic?

What was the manifesto? Tell me again, what was their manifesto? Cow heads are us? Bullshit matters? Beer is not alcohol? Pretty women should not work, but just become legal prostitutes? Let's sue the beejeezus out of people?

Nurul Izzah took over Bangsar. What did she do? I'm living in Bangsar right now. Been in Lembah Pantai since 1998. I see hillside developments. I see Old Town White Coffee. I see Pappa Rich. And... ? That's it? This is what you fought for?

Let me break it the fuck down. You want votes? Legalise marijuana. Legalise prostitution. Legalise gay marriages. Legalise freedom of religion. And by freedom of religion, I mean that everyone can change their ICs to whatever the fuck religion they want. Yes, even Jedi.

Look, man. Legalising marijuana will ensure new jobs for people, take away power from gangsters and make Malaysia a damn great tourist destination. Americans like to take a year off before going to college. They should come here and spend their dollars on pot.

I don't take pot. I hate pot. I take benadryl and painkillers. I can get vicodin and oxycodone real easy in this country. Hell, I can even take Xanax. And it's all legal. I can even buy myself whisky from a grocery store. Why can't people buy weed?

I mean, cigarettes are dangerous, but I smoke three packs a day.

Pot is the key to this country's survival. Fuck palm oil. Fuck rubber, cocoa, tobacco, whatever. Our farmers should be growing pot and supply it to the world. White teens should be smoking pot openly in Bangsar and heritage row.

Imagine the billions of dollars of tourism money we will get.

And if we legalise prostitution as well, man! Malaysia is capable of becoming the prostituion hub of this region. Sure, Thailand has better girls, but Malaysia can offer variety.

As Anwar Ibrahim said it, "Malays! Chinese! Indians! Ibans! Kadazans!"

Only?

Might I also add, "Kelabit! Kayan! Bidayuh! Jawa! Batak! Bugis! Aceh! Penan! Senoi! Temuan! Bajau! Bajau Laut! Bugis Bentuk Perang! Kelantanese! Nyonya! Dan lain-lain!"

I mean, honestly, the girls are already humping the white Gods for free, in most clubs and pubs. Why not charge them for it? And then tax the workers. Create a sex workers' union, take care of their welfare or whatever and tax them like shit.

Gays should be allowed to get married. Why? Because marriage sucks and gay people should not escape this pain. They should have the right to be as miserable as we all are.

Which brings us to freedom of religion. With freedom of religion in this country, comes war. Most people who would die from the demonstrating and rioting would be the idiots, and we want idiots dead. Some smart people will die. I will die, if it's about freedom of religion, cause I'll be taking pictures in the middle of a bloodbath, and cause I'm not RPK.

Freedom of religion will ensure around five million Malaysians dead, at least. So we will have cleaner air, and more space. In fact, I believe that riots should be held - damn, organised! - by the Government every four years, so that we can weed off the weak and the sick.

I mean, our Holy Politicians are already acting like they're on Animal Planet. Why don't we do the same? After all, we can't be better than them. Cause be they BN or PR, we voted them in. All of them.