Sunday, August 14, 2016

Dungeon Mastery and Old Reunions

Today, my DnD group allowed me to do my first session as Dungeon Master.

I sucked really bad and there were moments of sheer terror, but I had fun learning how fucked up things are as a DM. My group seemed to have fun because they are the type that could have fun on their own anyway.

Having had my first taste as DM, I'm more than determined now to host my own game and create a new world sometime down the line. You either learn from your fuck ups or you will always repeat them.

After the three hour session, we played Cosmic Encounters for another three hours or so. After that, I rushed to Kelana Jaya for a high school reunion.

My batch will be celebrating our 20 years graduation anniversary next year and the guys have planned some things to give back to the school, our celebration dinner and the like.

I used to have a problem with my high school and the society we created there, but we're nearing 40 now. In 10 years, how many of us would remain standing, much less 20 years from now?

I am in a period of my life where I am closing books and writing epilogues. I'm preparing for death proper. I've always thought of how to die since I was 17 and saying goodbyes to everything is one of those items you wish you could plan for properly.

Looking back, I have lived quite a good life, all things considered.

Born in the swamp, in a third world country that mostly would not understand my ideas or ideals, I have done everything I could ever want, much earlier than I thought I could. Being the DM for at least one session - no matter how stupid and terrible it was - ranks as one of the things I never thought I would do.

I have not and will not trust people. But people seem to trust me. I'm not feeling guilty nor boastful. I just feel a sense of gratitude to the world for these small mercies.

Saturday, August 6, 2016

The Dichotomy Diagnosis for Dumbasses

You're all stupid. Accept that fact. And then go kill yourself.

Which brings us to Suicide Squad. I haven't seen it yet, opting instead to watch Jason Bourne and Star Trek Beyond. Both are okay movies. Who cares?

But the dumb thing that happened with Batman v Superman: Dawn of Just-Ass (BvS) is happening again. DC fanboys went ape-shit at bad reviews from critics and are clamoring for the review site Rotten Tomatoes to be shut down.

The petition, started by Abdullah Coldwater, has since been withdrawn. But the sentiment remains. As much as the racist shit we see from Trump and Brexit is neither gone nor forgotten even after it's clear that both causes were not meant to win anything, not even a checkers game..

Fuck politics, but DC fans' bullshit - this is serious.

Personally, after I published my review of BvS, some stupid cocksucking donkey-fuckers started judging and labeling me as a Marvel fanboy. They were even surprised I gave X-Men: Apocalypse a bad review.

This is because their tiny little brains can't see anything in this world as being other than a dichotomy. You're either PS or xBox. BN or DAP. Democrat or Republican, Feminist or Men's Rights Activists.

It has been documented that these idiots are not even Homo Sapiens, but remnants from that time when Homo Erectus fucked a Pan Paniscus and we have today's typical idiot. Thy're a different species so we hoo-mans must band together and put them in camps and then gas them. I call them Pan Provectus. Provectus is generous, as the word stands for upgrade or advanced or some shit. Basically, they're advanced monkeys on the account that they have thumbs and wear clothes, badly.

This eagerness to put people in 'either-or' camps is of course, egotistical. These Pan Provectus shits, their sense of self is tied to being in groups. They NEED to be in groups to feel safer and lower their IQ further.

This is why EVERY FUCKING ISSUE must be either-or and EVERYONE must be either-or. Coke or Pepsi? How about none? Fuck carbonated sugary drinks.

I will review the shit out of Suicide Squad. I really don't care as much for those characters as I do Batman and Superman so whatever. But mostly I do it because we must stand up to Pan Provectus.

The greatest evil in this world is not evil. It's stupidity. And we neutralise stupidity by being our awesome hyper-intelligent self.

Fuck all of you monkeys.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Random Thoughts Before Bed

Darwin said the species that will survive is not the strongest, or the smartest, but one that adapts the best to change. Or something like that.

I'm thinking of the comics scene, as I leaf through the latest comic I bought - the 'last issue' of Ujang and Apo? - I got at Pesta Buku Selangor.

The issue is the first Ujang or Apo? issue in a year or so, and it seems to be its last. There is a 'surprise', though, as you flip the cover and find the announcement to a new comics magazine - Bekazone.

Ujang inherited the mantle of Gila-Gila, the legendary comics magazine that sold over half a million copies every issue in its heyday. Some old comics hands put the number at over 600,000. This was the age where people actually read magazines. Even the lesser-read magazines such as Batu Api, Gelagat, Gelihati and the rest sold decent numbers then, that would have made them top of the pile nowadays, in this post-Internet world.

Even then, the numbers steadily declined and Ujang - though the best comics magazine in its time - managed to reach 200,000-300,000 copies per issue. 

I don't have the actual or accurate data and everything I quote here is anecdotal, so take everything with a grain of salt. I'm pissed off with this, but there you go.

I have long petitioned for various comics organisations in Malaysia to collect industry data so as to chart the scene properly and be able to improve things effectively when they have the means to do so.  Right now, if you ask anyone how many titles are there or how many publishers, no one can give you an accurate figure. Somebody knows, somewhere, but are they compiling it? Even Sasbadi - known to me and others as primarily a reference book publisher - has a comics imprint.

That, is another rant for another time.

After the Ujang magazine had its infamous crisis on infinite earths and the team split, a few magazines such as Gempak, Kreko, Urban Comics and Rileks fought over the vacuum. Gempak was the best-run, with a kick-ass distribution and financial muscle - strong fundamentals and sharp business acumen.

Gempak remains a force to this day, and they were bought over or something - I don't know shit, man! - by a Japanese comics company. Gempak books are now sold in 1900++ 7-Elevens as well as toko bukus and small mamak sundry shops, aside from their presence in major bookstore chains such as Popular.

The focus, it seems, has also shifted from the magazine alone to trade paperbacks - collections of comics stories instead of a monthly format. Gempak once sold over 70,000 copies fortnightly. If they still are doing those numbers, they would be the most popular magazine sold in stores in the country (Astro Mag has a subscription model).

I come from the newspaper industry and we all agreed that magazines would be the first sacrifice to the new Internet gods. And so it was. I currently do not know anyone below 40 that buys magazines or even reads them regularly. And 70% of our population are below 40.

Meanwhile, let's talk about digital comics. As far as I can tell - and I might be wrong - digital comics are the future, but the future is not now.

In 2014, digital comics sales in the States was US$100 million while print comics is US$835 million. 100 million dollars is a huge amount, right? And considering that it was only US$1 million several years ago for digital sales, this is good right? Well.

For one, sales growth for digital comics sales have decreased over the years. It was 180% in 2012, 29% in 2013 and 11% in 2014. Here's the clincher: Digital comics sales went down in 2015 to US$90 million. That's a 10% decline.

Japan's massive manga industry is safe, right? The newspaper with the largest circulation in the world is Yomiuri Shinbun. Number 2 is also Japanese - Asahi Shinbun. Surely print manga and digital comics for the techno-savvy Japanese society would thrive right?

Well, sales peaked in 1995 and then went on a downward trend. Manga magazines, graphic novels, all went down. When they go online, they were met with pirates who upload their comics and people download it for free. In the era of globalisation and borderless, pre-Trump economy, you'd expect they'd do well when they license their wildly popular stuff to the lucrative US or European market? Nope. Scanlators outnumber legit platforms and it has been - sparsely - documented that Japanese digital platforms fare even worse than their US counterparts.

Personally, I believe people - especially Malaysians - don't believe in paying for online content. They don't even like buying most things online, except tudung. Running Maple Comics, I can tell you less than 10% of our sales are online, except for some freak titles. 

I really can't say much about the local comics scene - it's not even an industry - BECAUSE I HAVE NO FUCKING DATA. I don't even know how many publishers there are, how many titles are produced in a year, how many artists are out there. I don't even know how many comics are in bookstores because NOBODY IS KEEPING TRACK. FUCK YOU. FUCK. YOU. YOU FUCKING MONKEYFUCKER!

I do know - anecdotally - that physical books is the way to go, for now. I believe that one day everything will be digital, but that day is much later than you might think.

So what does that mean for Bekazone or any comics magazines or periodicals? I don't know. If I know everything, I'd be a billionaire by now. I do believe that trade paperbacks are the way to go but if you have the financial muscle, magazines could be a good flagship to have.

There are other challenges for any magazines in Malaysia. They go through stringent control by the Home Ministry. They have GST. And you always suffer from a very short shelf life. A July edition of a magazine only has 2-3 weeks to market and sell. After that, it's stale bread.

Still, there are some good news. Some major players in the publishing world are entering the comics scene. They will bring more titles and some bookstores will take notice of this and perhaps there will be a push. I got some good vibes from some but we shall see what comes out of it, by end of the year.

There is an emerging crop of new artists who are fast and talented - a previously rare combination. Some artists are finding massive popularity on social media and this usually translates to better sales of their physical books.

The most refreshing thing I have found with young artists is that they come in with little to no baggage. Some know the very low expectations of a small comics scene. Many know international royalty rates - meaning I don't have to explain to them that I am not an evil corporation like Shin-Ra out to steal them of their millions.

As for the audience? The readers? Well, I believe that if you create something that is consistently good, you will slowly build a dedicated audience. Some will lose interest and drop off, some will stay on and you can attract new ones. You can never control people, regardless of what the 'experts' say. 

3. Icv2

Friday, July 29, 2016

Three August Titles

Hello everyone, and welcome to a message from our sponsor - me!

Maple Comics has come up with three titles to be launched within these two weeks. The first is Merah, then Paradigma Guru and finally a recoloured, remastered edition of Beijing in 5 Days.

Merah is a comic book by Indonesian artist/writer duo of Amir Muchtar and Seno Aditomo. It was published by AM-SA Studio in Indonesia. Merah was translated into Bahasa Malaysia by Julie Anne.

The story is about a man haunted by a ghost in red. The entire book is black and white except for the ghost, whose dress and blood is a bright red.

This is a disturbing tale that will send shivers down your spine. I guaran-damn-tee it.

This is our second title from Indonesian artists, after Stephani Soejono's Tale of the Bidadari, and we hope to collaborate with more artists and bring more titles from the region to Malaysia. One more title by another Indonesian artist/writer collaboration is coming next year. I can only share with you the working title - Samudra

Paradigma Guru is a manga style supernatural rom-com from the excellent mind of Pokcik Fingernailz. Yes, that's his pen name, and we call him Pokcik even though he is 13 years younger than I am. The man's a tender 23 years old but has the comics sensibilities of a seasoned pro.

Pokcik has managed to use manga tropes and styles to tell a uniquely Malaysian story. I was impressed with the story structure, flow, characterisation and humour of Paradigma Guru that hints at Pokcik's well-organised mind. He is indeed a slick executor.

Coming to you next Thursday is the recoloured, remastered version of Beijing in 5 Days. This is Mimi Mashud's very first comic and her original print run was sold out last year so we agreed to recolour and reprint it with the participation of the sublime Tay 'Fishball' Yen Ee. Yen Ee will have another comic book of her own in print later this year, hopefully.

Beijing in 5 Days looks awesome, really. Amid Yen Ee's digital colouring, we can also enjoy Mimi's excellent watercolours.

If you are a fan of Mimi's work, you cannot miss out on this comic book. It further cements her reputation and we were not kidding when we said, 18 months ago, that we have found the next Lat and she's awesome.

You can get all three titles at the Maple Comics booth, N33, Pesta Buku Selangor, Shah Alam Convention Center (SACC) until August 7. Also grab our other titles - Invasi, Taubat Si Tanggang, Pelempang realiti, Jejon Di Jepun, Scenes of the Father, Komik Ronyok, and a prototype DonK we did for Taylor's University.

Beijing in 5 Days will be available next Thursday but all the rest can be bought there. Alternatively, you can get most of these titles at our website -

We have more coming in the final quarter of the year, so wait for the announcements to be made soon. We are targeting 17 titles by end of 2016, in time for our second anniversary.

Anjakan Paradigma Guru

Izinkan aku puji komik terbitan sendiri. 

Hari ini, Maple Comics telah menerima cetakan pertama Paradigma Guru - sebuah komik oleh Pokcik Fingernailz.

Ini ialah judul ke 11 atau 12 kami. Aku pun dah lupa sebab tak terkira banyaknya. Setiap satu judul itu amat istimewa bagi aku. Daripada Kuala Terengganu in 7 Days yang malar hijau hingga Komik Ronyok yang subversif dengan cara yang cukup genius, aku amat senang dan suka dengan judul-judul yang kami terbitkan.

Paradigma Guru amat significant bagi aku, sebab Pokcik Fingernailz telah berjaya menunjukkan contoh sebuah cerita yang amat kuat dan unik identiti tempatannya, menggunakan tropes dan gaya manga.

Kalau kau suka baca manga, kau akan senang membaca Paradigma Guru. Bahasa seni dan short hand manga memang digunakan dengan meluas dan berkesan, demi menyampaikan kisah seorang guru perempuan bertudung di sebuah sekolah menengah di Malaysia.

Gaya atau seni manga menjadi alat untuk menyampaikan satu cerita yang Pokcik Fingernailz saja mampu luahkan.

Ini penting bagi mereka yang seusia dengan aku sebab sejak aku mula kacau orang kat Internet, antara persoalan yang hangat dibahas dan dibincang (sampai tak buat komik pun, cuma bercakap pasal ini saja) generasi aku ialah di mana 'identiti komik Malaysia'.

Adakah pada melukis keris, atau rumah kampung, mengetengahkan rekaan senibina kayu Melayu? Adakah pada cerita Hang Tuah? Bagaimana dengan budaya Cina, India, Bidayuh, Iban di Malaysia - itu tak cukup Malaysia kah untuk diketengahkan?

Ini persoalan yang aku jumpa 18 tahun lepas semasa aku masih student kat UM dan berangan nak buat komik kat KL dan jadi jutawan yang ada kepak. Macam Wunan.

Aku dah tua. Dah 36. Nak mampus dah pun. Aku dah tak peduli benda-benda remeh itu dah. Namun malam ini, sambil aku habiskan sisa-sisa kerja aku, aku rasa yang kalaulah diri aku 18 tahun lepas membaca Paradigma Guru, aku akan menguatkan syak aku pada jawapan akhirnya:

Identiti komik Malaysia ialah komik yang hanya boleh diceritakan oleh seorang rakyat Malaysia, tanpa mengira kaum, bahasa, umur dan gaya senilukis. 

Untuk sesuatu benda, pergerakan atau disiplin berkembang, ia sepatutnya mendepakan tangan dan memeluk semua yang sealiran dengannya.

Dan yang paling penting:

Identiti komik Malaysia tidak akan wujud sekiranya tiada komik Malaysia. Semua perbincangan pasal identiti komik Malaysia hanya membazirkan masa yang lebih baik digunakan untuk membuat lebih banyak komik yang best dan memberi sumbangan kepada cornucopia identiti yang hendak dibincangkan sangat itu. Malah, nukilan ini juga satu pembaziran masa. 

Saturday, July 23, 2016

The Anima


I'm supposed to do work tonight but I decided to take the night off and do whatever. As usual, a night of quiet reflection for the Greatest Mind of the 21st Century, I turn to ways of improving our society.

I have come full circle, at 36, to what I was excited about when I was 18 - women.

I went to an all-boys' school, where I saw what kind of society and community can be created solely by boys. I lived for five years in fear of getting beaten up or raped, or even worse - mocked and ostracised. Such feminine fears, where the social risk is bigger than the physical, even in a society of men.

Disclaimer (to my schoolmates): I'm not dissing you, so don't get your panties in a bunch. Much of my fears were unfounded because I am not that desireable to men, neither am I all that threatening.

Anyway, when I finally escaped with my butthole relatively intact at 18, I was excited to rejoin regular society where women have equal say in things and I wouldn't have to be so afraid of a Lord of the Flies-like society.

My family is run by extremely strong women who don't give a fuck. For good or evil, they are the true executors of everything.

I was convinced, much as I had enjoyed my time with most of my female teachers and with my female-run family, that I would do well surrounded by women. That and the fact that I am a raging, flaming heterosexual, meant that I could put my dick where I want it to - inside vaginas. Or assholes connected just next door to vaginas.

Imagine my horror when I realised two things almost immediately:

1. Women are just as stupid as men

2. The world - the real fucking world - is still run by boys. Not men, boys.

I was like, what the fuck?

And so I trudged along and 18 years later, I have collected enough information and experience to reclaim my faith in women.

18 months ago, I started a comics publishing company. I fully expected a limited market of sweaty, overweight guys - just like me - enamoured by the romance of local comics. I fully anticipated interacting with artists who are all just huge dorks - all of them men and most of whom I already knew over 12 years of being in KL's comics scene.

Now, imagine my pleasant surprise when a majority of those who got excited with comics - local comics - are women. Tudung-clad or in sexy cosplay, the ones passionate about comics are women. And some of our best artists - a growing number and soon to be a majority - are women.

This is a surprise to me because I thought we followed the US model, albeit 5-10 years late. In the '90s, Neil Gaiman - God of Writing himself, wrote about how to get women into comics shops. This was necessary because more women were buying his stuff and that women were just going into comics stores back then and the normal guys like me would ogle and point and stare.

One of the earliest, biggest single, non-business customers for Maple Comics was a woman who thought it would be a great idea to buy our comics as a door gift for her impending wedding. I am still truly touched and would give her some free copies of our latest titles later.

In my working career, I have worked with many excellent female bosses. Some of them reintroduced me to geek culture or showed me this new way of management for the 21st Century workplace.

In writing fiction, one of my first editors and cheerleaders was an Israeli woman, mother of 7 or 9, based in America and manned a right wing website circa 98 or 99.

When I had my heart attack, my sister was the MVP. My doctor in the ER was an extremely capable woman. So were most of the best nurses in my ward, the nutritionist and physiotherapists, etc.

I have met more capable women whom I enjoy working with in the past 8 years than I have ever before.

And yet the feminists in this country are a fucking joke. Prone to bicker about nothing, taking all the attention away from serious, dire issues to focus their judgmental bullshit on trendy falsehoods so as to elevate their ego and perceived standing among the parasitic faux liberal community.

It is with great pleasure that I observe the women of this country march on progressively without the aid of these fake, hipster motherfuckers. Or is it uncle-fuckers? Point is, quoting Nelson Muntz from The Simpsons: haaa-ha!

Not all women are angels or whatever the fuck. These so-called feminists are women. All politicians are dumb, vicious assholes, and some of them are women.

I have also met the most racist, and therefore stupid, people and they are also women.

Aung San Suu-Kyi is a woman, I think, and I don't like her. Anwar Ibrahim is a woman, and I don't like him either. Am I insulting him? Whhaaaat? Is being a woman an insult?

The MalaysianOfficial1 might not be as ruthless as his 'plus 1', whom my friends tell me is a plus-sized woman.

So it's not all the perfect female utopia peppered with angelic beings who would all agree with me as I thought when I was 18. But we're getting there.

I am being sexist when I say I have great hopes for women, especially in this country. Yeah, the nation has serious issues, as all nations do.

I think the key for long-lasting key solutions is to allow for new ideas and what better place to listen to new ideas than the vagina?

In fact, I have been listening to a vagina all night. His name's Michael Moore. And he makes a compelling argument for women.

Anyway, to all who bought our comics, man, woman, kathoey, I would like to say thanks, yam's leaves. I truly appreciate it.

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

The Special

Caption: Gambar Sekadar hiasan

Last weekend, I went back to Kuantan for my sister's wedding. It's now official - at 36 and the youngest of my siblings, I remain the last human standing who is still single.

Some extended family members have fired warning salvos, voicing their intent to get me hitched to a random girl or whatever.

I know some of my relatives read my blog, sometimes, so these are my thoughts before anyone does anything.

10 years ago, if someone were to do this, I would have done things that would have been quite scathing and scandalous, to ensure that they would never try that again.

Unfortunately, I am quite old now and with my heart disease, my life expectancy has been severely reduced. This all works in my favour, but not to anyone around me, who might have to carry my body and bury me in hallowed ground, lest I rise again from the grave.

The truth is, I thought about marriage 8-10 years ago. I thought that I have been quite tough on Malay girls and I might have to spend some time with them - even the ones I make fun of - to ensure I was being fair.

It lasted a few months and then I decided everyone can go fuck themselves.

Marriage is a hassle and I have never met anyone worth all that trouble. In fact, if someone is in my room or at my apartment, I usually can't sleep.

I am paranoid - a paranoid person armed with a peculiar understanding of human psyche. All humans are fucked up. The normal human's driving force is to be or be seen as better than others. To be 'special'.

This is stupid, because we are all the same. And yet you can fuck any girl in the world today, just by telling them they're special.

"You're the only one who can thaw my icy heart. You're special."

"I choose you! I didn't choose Pikachu, I choose you!"

"I would never lie to YOU (not like how I lied to all these other idiots)"

These are all lies. There's only one person any human believes is special - him or herself. Humans are despicable and I generally do not seek their company.

And then there's marriage. Weddings are expensive and most marriages don't last. It's a silly industry - one I hope to exploit one of these days. I would love to own several wedding places so I could make money. LOTS of money.

And then kids.

Here's the thing. Have you looked out the window lately? Do you really want to bring someone into this stupid, violent, hateful world? Someone who would eventually realise that life has no meaning whatsoever, humans are stupid and deceitful, and whatever you do will eventually come to naught.

Basically, you get old, you get ugly and then you die.

Would you want to bring someone into this world of Trumps and Brexiteers? A world filled with Taylor Swifts? A bleak economic outlook and from what I can see, an impending world war?

If you do, I believe you are selfish. And extremely irresponsible. But that's just me and I generally hate people.

Yerah, sure, the world can be nice, life can be beautiful. But anyone who has the potential to inherit my vast intellect and deep insights can also see all its flaws. Someone with a similar mental capacity as mine would be able to see all the darkness and evil in this world.

It would take huge, serendipitous leaps of enlightenment to be okay with it all. And I don't think even anyone with a similar DNA structure to mine can pull off what I have done. Cause you see, I think I'm special. 

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Rusty The Bastard Shit Thing Clinging to My Head

It has been years since I've written a creative script. Most of the stuff I've written since the last one were corporate stuff, with clear goals and elegant concepts. Well, if not elegant, then empirical.

I spent the past few hours trying to finish a story and I found myself a tad out of practice. I used to do massive amounts of writing till the wee hours of the morning but nowadays, I put the cap at 2am plus.

The reason is, LDL. Bad cholesterol. Most of our bad cholesterol or LDL - low-density lipids - are excreted by our own body, when we don't sleep at night. So yeah, I'm going to bed very soon. Also, nursing a half-flu the past few days have not been very kind to me.

Also, one of the greatest blocks facing any writer is the loss of faith in your story or skills. That suddenly you realise what a fraud you are, that none of the things you ever did were any good and you should just die before embarrassing yourself further.

I would like to say I have overcome that, but I won't since that would be a lie. I am always insecure about my work. The only discernible difference between me 12 years - nay, just a few years ago - and now is that I have isolated my writing insecurities with my approval-seeking.

I no longer care about what people think of my work, nor do I believe that what anyone thinks of my work has any relations to my self-worth. Because the truth is, I am worthless, and therefore beyond worth and therefore, priceless. Wank wank!

I mean, it's nice when people say, "You're a genius!" but even that is momentary. Fleeting. Ephemeral.

 Everything will not last. All structures are unsafe, said a Sufi thingy or whatever the fuck.

Anyway, off to bed. REM sleep, motherfuckers!

Friday, June 24, 2016

Seribu Pedang Pulang Ke Asal

Aku amat-amat sibuk dalam masa beberapa minggu ni.

Aku dah letak jawatan kat tempat kerja aku dan sekarang hanya tunggu hari terakhir, juga bayaran gaji akhir aku.

Sambil tu, aku dah start buat projek-projek yang harapnya boleh menampung hidup aku selepas ini, sebagai seorang pekerja freelance. Aku juga mahu menumpukan lebih masa dan usaha kepada kompeni penerbitan komik aku - Maple Comics.

Selama ni, aku rasa macam Matt Murdock  - sentiasa bersalah - sebab tak menumpukan lebih usaha pada Maple Comics. Ada banyak benda aku nak buat dan aku dah nampak halatujunya. Ada beberapa pengumuman berita baik selepas raya, yang aku takleh ceritakan lagi.

Yang aku boleh cakap ialah pasal judul-judul yang bakal diterbitkan. Sebelum 2016 melabuhkan tirai, aku kira ada 4-6 judul lain, bermakna tahun ini sahaja, tahun kedua kami beroperasi, mungkin kami berjaya menerbitkan 10 judul dengan bilangan akhir 15-16 judul sepanjang 2 tahun beroperasi.

Tahun depan, yang dah confirm ada 5 judul.

Esok aku ada 4 meeting, 11am, 3pm, 7pm (berbuka) dan moreh event pukul 10pm kot. Balik rumah tulis skrip sampai kul 2am pastu tidur. Kot. Hari Sabtu, aku nak tido. Keje pun main hantar email je.

Dulu aku pernah kerja, 6 meeting sehari. So 4 meeting still okay buat badan yang dah makin tua dan nak mampus.

Aku nak rehat sebab lepas kerja menggila beberapa minggu ni, malam ni aku tak sihat sangat. Hampir demam, so aku lawan pakai ubat yang ada, tapi aku memang kena rest.

Ahad kalau ada masa, aku nak tido lagi, pasal aku perlukan rehat. Next week, aku kena jumpa dentist ari Isnin pastu maybe ada meeting petang tu, ada meeting pagi ari Selasa, meeting ari Rabu pagi, meeting/event ari Khamis tengahari, meeting ari Jumaat petang.

Minggu depan jugak aku nak register ahli Persatuan Alumni UM, pastu kensel gym membership aku (pasal PAUM punya clubhouse ada gym dan swimming pool), nak beli laptop, sambung buat keje video, settlekan skrip, settlekan permohonan itu ini, check aku dah abis bayar PTPTN belum (patutnya dah abis or tinggal sikit), settlekan urusan dengan LHDN dan bermacam-macam benda lain.

Aku akan bekerja sepanjang Ramadan menuju ke Raya, dan sampai lepas Raya. Raya tahun ni aku tak balik kampung buat pertama kali dalam masa 36 tahun. Aku raya kat KL.

Aku jugak nak start balik gym routine aku lepas aku dah abis keje kat kompeni lama aku. Aku ditawarkan bekerja kat The Malaysian Reserve betul-betul lepas aku kena sakit jantung (sebab kerja macam orang gila).

Lepas sakit jantung, aku memang rasa lemah dan tak mampu buat kerja macam dulu. Sekarang pun aku cuma at 60% capacity asal aku. The Malaysian Reserve memberi aku peluang beransur mengumpul momentum kerja. Boss yang bawak aku masuk, Shamsul Akmar, memang aku terhutang budi pasal bagi aku job tu.

Lepas 18 bulan dengan Reserve, aku rasa aku dah cukup biasakan diri dengan flow kerja untuk aku buat apa yang aku amat-amat suka - komik dan content dengan separuh kelajuan asal aku.

Ada banyak lagi benda lain aku kena buat. Aku sebenarnya dah fikir jadual aku sampai August 2017, tapi itu sebenarnya tak sihat dan tak cerdik. The future doesn't exist except as the present moment. Masa depan tak wujud melainkan sebagai detik sekarang.

Dan sekarang, aku nak tido sebelum sakit aku melarat dan aku out of commission.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Melancap Di Malam Remdan

Benda aku tak paham orang Melayu buat ialah bila nak cakap dia tak setuju, kena dengan penuh emosi atau dengan berlagak angkuh. Mungkin sebab dia tak reti nak cakap 'no' tanpa terlompat-lompat macam beruk.

Satu lagi ialah bila cakap nak buat something, response dia ialah, "Oh, nak buat benda ni kena bersatu."

Bukan semua benda perlukan semua orang bersatu. In fact, 99% benda tak perlukan orang bersatu atau bersetuju. Aku pergi berak, nak kena bersatu jugak ke?

Aku dah lama rasa yang orang Melayu terlalu pentingkan consensus dan unity, sedangkan IQ kumpulan biasanya jauh lebih rendah daripada IQ individu.

Ko letak mamat sorang, dia pandai. Bila ko letak dua orang, IQ turun jadi cam lembu. Dalam satu kumpulan, IQ dia dah tahap bakteria dalam tanah pun boleh gelakkan.

Benda aku tak paham dengan orang yang duduk Amerika, sama ada Americans atau orang Malaysia duduk sana lama, ialah diorang optimistik dan bila ko cakap something, instinct pertama dia ialah percaya bulat-bulat.

"Benda apa ko buat ni Amir?"

"Adalah benda bodoh apa kejadahnya."

"HUhh?" - percaya bulat-bulat.

"Akulah Minda Terhebat Abad Ke-21!" kata aku.

"Ujub, ujub," katanya.  - percaya bulat-bulat yang aku orang gila.

Ini sebab kat sana, budaya Amerika meyakinkan semua orang sana bahwa diorang boleh buat semua yang diorang nak buat, boleh capai apa yang diorang nak capai.

"If you put your mind to it, there's nothing you can't achieve." - Mesej yang dihentak masuk daripada Barack Obama sampailah Zootopia
Sebab tu diorang lebih optimistik dan tak malu nak berusaha, dan tak malu nak gagal.

Ini, ada kelebihan dan kekurangannya. Lebih banyak kejayaan yang akan muncul, juga lebih banyak kegagalan dan kekecewaan.

Berlainan kita kat Malaysia. Aku rasa macam society kita menggalakkan pemikiran bahawa semuanya ditentukan suatu kuasa yang lebih besar - Kerajaan. Sampai bila jerebu pun hantar petisyen kat Najib suruh turn off mesin jerebu belakang rumah dia. Serious! Ada Art for Grabs last year bebudak ni buat petisyen suruh Najib hentikan jerebu.

Aku takdelah sokong Najib, tapi bab jerebu ni, aku rasa Najib pun takleh buat apa.

In fact, Kerajaan kita taklah sepower atau sepandai yang kau sangkakan.

Semua benda ko give up, sebab ko malas. Sikap malas tu sampai ke satu tahap ko malas nak bertanggungjawab untuk diri ko sendiri.

Tapi, kelebihannya ialah, orang Melayu sukar nak rasa kecewa, sebab kita takde mencuba apa-apa.

Sunday, May 29, 2016

CAFKL 2016: The Passion of the Crew

Maple Comics just wrapped up our most successful event yet at Comics Art Fest KL 2016.

I must say I am extremely impressed with the spirit and dedication of the volunteers/workers who put together such an amazing event.

It started on a low note on Saturday morning when I was told politely that I couldn't bring coffee into the venue. So I drank the hot americano outside, thinking murderous thoughts and plotting revenge via strongly-worded letters.

Then as we navigated Maple Comics' busiest convention day so far this year, I began to appreciate the efficiency and passion of the crew.

Let me tell you a story how great this team was.

On Sunday, there was going to be a panel session with Stephani Soejono talking about her new comic with us - The Tale of Bidadari.

We of course did no preparation for the panel. It was just going to be me and Steph on two chairs with Steph answering questions I would throw at her. We were going to just wing it.

The crew had more preparation and thought than us. They approached and asked us twice - via two different groups of people - hours before we were going to go up. One of them told us exactly what to expect. EXACT information.

You have no fucking idea how much I appreciate information, especially accurate and complete ones. In a world of liars and people afraid of the truth, in a world where idiots hide information ebcause they think they have some form of advantage by keeping people in the dark, these young men and women gave me COMPLETE INFORMATION!

Information is key. Information is power. In the right little fingers, information can make or break things.

 And it needn't be noise. I was told that there would be two chairs and one table in between to set up any sort of display. That was all I needed to know. Simple, yes? You would be surprised how much of these seemingly useless information tidbits are hidden by people in the same companies for no fucking reason, to the detriment of the whole.

I was then asked by one of the crew members, would we like to project anything on the big screen overhead?

I said, sure, the cover of the book of course. I was ready to email her the cover but this young woman whom have now earned all my respect, asked if she could take it from Maple Comics' Facebook page.

I said sure, half-expecting the image would be of the wrong cover, or from the wrong FB page, and I'd have a silly story I could share with my publisher friends.

So the hour came. I disengaged from a booth that was showing me a gag variant cover of a woman with cookies covering her boobs and went on stage.

There it was. Two chairs, with a small table or dais/pillar thing in between. Exactly as promised.

And above Steph and myself, was the screen. On it, was the CORRECT cover, like a fucking Thundercats logo. Everything was perfect and seamless.

So much so, that I then felt our unrehearsed chat was a bit... inadequate of how hard these people worked.

Maybe Steph and I should have practiced the proposed Riverdance routine as part of the launch gimmick.

We wrapped up fairly quickly because I remembered Amir Fixi Muhammad's advice - if you think you're going to suck, make it short so it would be easier for people to forgive you.

During the panel, I had the chance to thank CAFKL because it was during their 2015 event that I met Steph and Veleries and convinced them to do comics with us. In essence, The Tale of Bidadari and Veleries' upcoming work was made possible because CAFKL gave us a platform to meet and collaborate.

There are other little stories. The immense help the crew gave us with our queries and needs before and during the event are too numerous to tell. Big things and little things. Coming up with great and well thought of rules and the maturity to know when to bend or break them.

I believe that the country and even the world are in good hands if these people are organising it.

Was it perfect? No. But it far exceeded my personal expectations, which are admittedly low after Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice and X-Men: Apocalypse.

To the crew members of CAFKL, I salute you. And thank you.

To the visitors who bought or browsed our titles at Maple Comics' booth, I give you my sincere thanks. We do this primarily for you.

To our neighbours, we apologise for spilling over unfairly to your areas.

To our fellow booth people, it is with pride that we participate in this community and we hope to contribute making it better.

Thank you. Like, seriously.

Saturday, May 28, 2016

The Pursuit of Crappiness

Strategically, it is unwise to tell people you are happy and free of pain. So.

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Spoiler-filled Review of Captain America: Civil War

Also, Captain America displayed some selfishness in the Bucky quest. So he's not ALL good.

And Iron Man made a prison, so he's not all justified either.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

NO-SPOILER REVIEW: Captain America: Civil War

I will sit down and do a proper review later, but out of respect to those who haven't seen it yet, I just want to get some early thoughts out about Captain America: Civil War (Civil War). So no spoilers here. It's safe for everyone. MOSTLY. If you don't want to know ANYTHING about Civil War, stop reading and go back to sucking dick or something.

Went to see it last night with most of my DnD group (geek cred, motherfuckers!) minus the DM and as I was sitting there in the cinema, I was like, "What did I do to deserve this? Did I sell my soul to the devil to watch a movie this good?"

Civil War is the best Marvel movie and by default - the best comic book movie so far. It is on par with Orgazmo - greatest superhero movie of all time. DC is out. Fuck DC, man. I'm a DC fanboy but by God, their movies suck ass just as hard as they're sucking Zack can't-tell-a-story Snyder's untalented ass. Fuck Snyder, man. He used to be in my top 5 directors list. Fuck him and Brad Bird too for Tomorrowland. Tomorrow-hebephilia-and-Randian-bullshit-land. Fuck that Ayn Rand Objectivism bullshit.

Anyway, let's get back to Captain America: Civil War.

Everything was there, man. Adam and Steve - I mean, Tony and Steve, Black Widow, all the characters feel real. Layered, flawed, conflicted. They felt like real people, man. Can't talk about anyone's motivations so I'm gonna talk about Chris Evans' biceps.

Captain America's biceps are so great, it will shake your iman and your gender identity at the same time.

Even the bit characters all do not feel like bit characters. Ant-Man was great in terms of how they made him the starstruck guy. Spider-Man works. Oh, Lawd! Spider-Man works.

FINALLY! Spider-Man! Has come back to MARRRRRR-VEL! Tom Holland sounds like a believable Peter Parker though in my head, Spider-Man has always been a sarcastic asshole. Holland works as a new superhero and a kid, which is who Spider-Man is for most of his career-defining comics.

Imagine Zack Snyder directing the next Spider-Man movie. I will fucking torch the bloody fucking cinema.

Black Panther works for me. Bucky works. All the characters have very clear motivations, either to fight or help or even switch allegiances . Not like BvS: Dawn of Justass.

The plot is well laid out, not like BvS: Dawn of Justass.

The only blemish is one of the characters functions like BvS: Dawn of Justass' Amy Adams' Lois Lane + Jesse Eisenberg's Luthor. I'm talking about Zemo who is both non-essential to the plot and his evil scheme doesn't make much sense. But. BUT! Because the movie was drowning in the great characters, performances and action sequences of the main cast of superheroes, fuck Zemo.

Let's talk about the action sequences. If you think Batman in the warehouse was the best part of BvS: Dawn of Justass, the stuff we see in Civil War makes that look like Darth Vader vs Obi-Wan in Star Wars: Episode IV. The action in Civil War makes Batman in the warehouse look like Awie fighting Mustapha Kamal in one of Sembilu 2's many dream sequences.

Some of the early action was shaky and had too many cuts (and that's not really bad), but after that, it gets better, and better, and better. At one point, I was on the verge of ejaculating my pants.

What I also like is that even the bits we see and hear in the trailers are delivered differently in the movie, making things seem so fresh even though we've all seen it before. Even the tone of delivery for "He's my friend" "So was I" was delivered differently to suit the NEW development in the storyline. Clever editing, clever directing, clever performances, clever planning, clever, clever, clever.

I can't go on without spoiling the movie. I'll do that next week after the first weekend and the first few days. But in conclusion, greatest superhero movie so far. Better than Winter Soldier and Captain America is now the best sub-franchise in the huge, huge Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Ulasan Filem Ringkas: Redha (2016)

Tadi aku pergi tengok filem Redha. Aku masuk panggung dengan expectations yang paling rendah. Serendah Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.

Sebabnya? Filmmakers dia defensive kat social media. Rewan Ishak cakap sikit je, dia melenting, pastu ada orang lain kutuk filem pun dia melenting. Bagi aku, mana-mana filmmaker yang defensive pasal filem dia mendedahkan yang dia tak yakin dengan filem dia, maka filem tu mesti tak best dan banyak cacat-cela.

So aku masuk, bersedia untuk membenci filem ini... dan aku keluar panggung agak suka dengan Redha. Mungkin selepas menonton Batman v Superman, semua filem nampak lebih baik, tapi secara jujurnya, aku suka Redha.

Memang ya, filem ni banyak cacat-celanya di mata aku. Banyak babak yang cheesy atau kadang-kadang menjadi filem PSA pasal autism, tetapi secara keseluruhan, Redha ialah filem yang baik dan sesuai dinikmati manusia.

Aku suka lakonan Namron - pelakon skrin tempatan kesukaan aku - June Lojong, Nadiya Nissa, Remy Ishak, Harith Haziq, Izzy Reef, Ruminah Sidek, Susan Lankaster semua bagi persembahan yang secukupnya. Dia tak payah nak melampau sangat macam Lu Mafia Gua Gangster atau kebanyakan filem lain, diorang berlakon a bit subdued or understated kecuali semasa babak cheesy.

Even cheesiness dia kurang daripada Ola Bola yang super duper cheesy.

Hubungan Nadiya Nissa dan Remy Ishak juga tidak diterokai dengan penuh - satu pilihan bijak. kalau tetiba masa third act Nadiya dan Remy bercinta, aku akan kutuk filem ni sampai pagi esok. Mungkin sampai bulan depan.

Versi Aku:

Yang aku rasa terlepas peluang filem ini ialah kalau dijadikan filem sukan dengan twist atlet itu ialah seorang remaja autistik. Bayangkan kalau watak bapak dia ialah seorang perenang yang hampir masuk olimpik dan sentiasa mahukan anaknya menjadi perenang hebat, tetapi anaknya autistik.

Selepas akhirnya menerima keadaan anaknya, budak itu mula menunjukkan potensi sebagai perenang paralimpik. Gila habis Hollywood corny movie la tapi. Macam International Velvet.

Elemen ini ada dalam Redha, tetapi diselitkan di third act. Aku rasa third act itu boleh jadi satu filem dan memasukkannya di sini rasa terlebih panjang dan patut habis selepas timeskip itu sahaja.

In Conclusion

Kalau aku tulis panjang lagi, aku akan senaraikan semua benda aku tak suka, dan jugak benda-benda yang aku suka. Cukuplah kalau aku cakap, aku suka Redha dan aku harap korang pergi tengok sebelum tayangan habis mungkin hujung minggu ni.

Dan pedulikan omongan filmmaker dia yang mungkin jadi turn-off untuk sesetengah orang. Pergilah tengok dan nikmati filem ini dan juga jangan bercakap dalam panggung melainkan anda tak boleh kawal diri sebab ada Tourette's Syndrome.

Friday, April 15, 2016

The Malay Podcast

Aku dah mula buat podcast. It's in Malay. Here's the first one. It's not entirely a 'podcast', but it gets better.

 The second one is truer to form:


And here's the Soundcloud link: Click Here

 Third one uploaded last night:


And here's the SoundCloud Link: Klik Kat Sini

I've decided to do it in Malay so I would speak slower. I'm more comfortable talking in English so doing it in Malay slows down my speech and I could think before I say stuff.

If you're wondering what I use:

Mic: Some crappy mic I bought for 30 ringgit.

Recording Software: OBS (free!)

Pictures: Taken from Google Image search

Aaaand: Powerpoint.

I assemble the entire thing as a Powerpoint presentation. There is no script because I am actually reacting to the images I assembled earlier on Powerpoint. I'm just rambling as I see the photos appear as you do.

There's some minimal editing done with Windows Movie Maker (free!) and that's it.

Go and watch each one. Like and subscribe and share it. Or don't. I don't give a fuck.

Monday, April 4, 2016


I wanted to write a pseudo-psychological analysis of fandom but then decided to just fuck it and upload a bunch of illustrations of TMNT as asked by a nice guy I met at GeekCon this year.

These drawings were done by Mimi Mashud, Jon Suraya, Chee and Azhar Abdullah.

Sunday, April 3, 2016


Got some feedback for Scenes of the Father - my new book with Chee. It's an illustrated storybook.

Rushing to get everything done for the four-five titles we are publishing in three months, we left out the foreword/afterword thing I wrote in January.

So, for posterity's sake, here it is:

Afterword (or Foreword, whichever fits)

This book is a lie. 

Things didn’t happen as they did – not exactly. Some of the dates I might have gotten wrong. Some of the quotes, the images inside your head – they’re all wrong. Not exactly right.  
These are viewed through my own fuzzy memories of stories told by an old man through his own fuzzy recollections. And then Chee came into the picture and he brings his own fuzzy brushes to draw this book.
His art is amazing, of course. All my friends are extremely talented and Chee’s drawings are exceptional, though as with the famous pipe painting, these are not exactly how things are or were.
But such is the nature of writing or any attempt to capture any details or nuance from real life – it will always fail. In Chee’s case, it fails in spectacularly beautiful fashion. I can’t be more pleased with how the art turned out for this book.
And thank you, my friend, for liking my little story enough to breathe new life into it.
At the time of writing, my father is warded in the hospital (he's now out). His health has deteriorated slowly over the years, having suffered from four strokes and a host of old people’s ailments. Only one good thing came out of it – a couple of years ago, he forgot to buy cigarettes so now he doesn’t smoke.
Aside from that, it has been painful, watching him grow old and frail ever so slowly. Despite the fact that he shouldn’t be able to walk, he sometimes does so out of sheer willpower.
He doesn’t ride on his tractor anymore – the old thing is just gathering dust and rust.
Instead, my father’s ride is now a wheelchair, which he hates.
Nobody knows who’s going to go or stay, when or where we will leave forever. But I hope that whenever that happens for my father, for all his good and evil deeds, that the journey would be a peaceful one. 
And that’s the truth.
Amir Hafizi
Jan 15 2016

Monday, March 28, 2016

Rant: Batman v Superman Mic Drop

This is the link to my professional review of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (BvS).

I write for a business paper mainly read by business people, so it's unseemly to do a rant over there. So if you want a more civil whatever, go read that.

This, this is personal. This will be a rant. Warning: Spoilers.

First up, fuck you, Zack Snyder.

Zack Snyder Origin Story

Never have I seen a movie done by a director with such contempt and hatred for the source material. There is no other explanation other than Zack Snyder hates Superman with the intensity of a thousand suns.

I think when Zack Snyder was a kid, he was walking around with his dog when a robber in a Superman costume started pulling a gun at his dog.

Robber in a Superman Costume: Hey, Zack Snyder's dog! Gimme all your money!

Zack Snyder's Dog: Woof?

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Pearls flying everywhere.


Thus began Zack Snyder's convoluted revenge fantasy on Superman. It culminated with BvS.

BvS Begins

The movie opened with a Batman origin story. I'm happy Jeffrey Dean Morgan or whatever got a job as Thomas Wayne. But... necessary? No, it was not necessary. So was the sequence with Young Bruce surrounded by bats and flying through the air. Oh, sure, dream sequence.

Then we see Bruce Wayne 18 months ago, when Superman was fighting Zod in Metropolis. He arrived at Metropolis and immediately called his staff at Wayne Finance to evacuate the building.

The staff, an old man called Jack, then said, "Okay, guys, the boss wants us to evacuate the building!"

Wait. What? Two super-powered aliens are levelling buildings left right and center, and there is a huge fucking tripod thing - a motherfucking dubstep machine - destroying the city and surrounding buildings, and YOU FUCKERS HAVEN'T EVACUATED YET?

You're actually waiting for Bruce Fucking Wayne, the fucking OWNER of your company to tell you what to do? Does Bruce Wayne cut their overtime if they were to evacuate the building when a super 9-11 event is happening WITHOUT his okay? Get the fuck out of my face.

So, anyway, despite the bullshit, this was a good sequence to show Wayne being all, "fuck this alien shit". Good buildup, I must say. So far, 8-10 minutes in, I'm okay.

Then we see a guy somewhere in the Indian ocean diving for kryptonite. Whatever.

Then we see Lois Lane in Nairomi, Africa. I shit you not. Nairomi, Africa, that I presume is just a misspelling of Nairobi, Kenya?

So anyway, Lois Lane is going for this interview with a terrorist. A Muslim African terrorist. He was like, "I didn't know you were a woman?" What a dumbass line. Lois Lane was like, "I'm not a woman, I'm a journalist."

I was like, yeah, Spotlight and shit.

And then her photographer gets searched by White Terrorist Guy (WTG). He starts dismantling this photographer's film camera - fucking hipster douchebag photographer - and finds a tracker the size of Zack Snyder's nipples. I mean, it was fucking huge!

The tracker is a big ass thingamabob with a huge flashing light that beeps like BEEP, BEEP, BEEP. Must have been a hipster douchebag tracker from the 1960s.

So WTG shoots hipster photographer in the head. Oh, and you know what? Subsequent interviews with Snyder revealed that this douchebag hipster photographer is Jimmy Fucking Olsen.

Jimmy Olsen is dead within the first 10 minutes of the movie. Bullet to the head.

Lois gets dragged into the house of the Muslim Terrorist guy. Outside, WTG gets his buddies to kill everyone in the village - bullets to everyone's head - and then leave.

Superman then comes to rescue Lois. I was like, "Damn, dude, the photographer got killed just now. Where were you, assface?"

Superman would only care about Lois' safety cause she gave him pussy. If Jimmy Olsen was sucking his dick on the side, then maybe Superman would have saved him. But he didn't.

Then we cut to a hearing chaired by Holly Hunter. An African woman was telling them about how Superman brought death to the village because of his actions. The Nairomi Government killed everyone and shit.

Holly Hunter was like, "We will hold Superman accountable for this shit." and the woman was like, "I don't think Assface cares, bitch." And she was right.

Assface was busy fucking Lois in a bathtub scene with Amy Adams showing her half-boobs.

Luthoran Sins

Meanwhile, Lex Luthor was hosting Holly Hunter and that hot chick Mercy and some US Generals. That hot skinny chick, she was Mercy. I didn't know till later. But she's exactly my type.

Anyway, Luthor was like, "I'm an eccentric billionaire and my father used to be poor and I have just the thing to handle this Superman threat - kryptonite. But I need just one thing from the US Government to make sure I can handle Superman."

And everyone was like, "He is asking the US Government for one thing so he could handle Superman. What is it? Some nuclear bombs? A spaceship? Kanye West? Adam West?"

No. Lex Motherfucking Luthor, evil genius, wants a fucking IMPORT PASS. That's right. An IMPORT PASS. For kryptonite.


WHY. THE. FUCK. couldn't you just smuggle the shit? Why ask for an import pass? Why alert the US Government you have found kryptonite? If I was the CIA, I would be like, fuck this shit, I'm taking the kryptonite myself.

Meanwhile, another US Government dude took Luthor to the side and said, "Hey, I can hook you up with anything else."

And THEN Luthor asked for more important stuff. On the side. As an afterthought. He wanted the Kryptonian spaceship the US had, and he wanted Zod's body.

Then we see Luthor slicing off Zod's fingerprints and gluing them on his hands and then using that to open up the spaceship.

Seriously? Kryptonian technology that can travel faster than light, that can terraform entire planets and even bring things back to life, is FOOLED BY PASTED ON FINGERPRINTS? What the fuck, dude? What the fuck?

And the computer was like, "Oh, our archives got access to knowledge from 100,000 worlds and shit."

And Luthor was like, "Teach me, bitch."

And Kryptonian Siri did just that. The knowledge of 100,000 worlds taught in like, 20 minutes.

Dreams and Nightmares

Meanwhile, Batman has turned cruel and Alfred notes this fact, shrugs his shoulders and moves on.

Batman has been getting these dreams. In fact, most of the cool stuff we see in the trailers are just Batman's dreams. Was Zack Snyder trying to audition to be part of Nolan's Inception franchise? There were three or four dream sequences and they didn't go anywhere.

Anyway, Batman needs to get some intel from Luthor's house so he goes to a party organised by Metropolis library or something.

When he taps into Luthor's server room, Clark Kent could hear him talking to Alfred so he tails Bruce very obviously and Bruce Batman Wayne - motherfucking Ninja Batman, didn't even see him. Which is fine, because he's Superman, but then the Man from Krypton gets distracted by... a fucking TV report about a fire somewhere in Mexico?

How does this work, Snyder? I went on a holiday recently and whenever I turn on BBC in the hotel room, all they talk about is some disaster or war or some shitty thing.

You're telling me that Clark Fucking Kent, a journalist, is suddenly distracted by a fucking news story? There are ALWAYS shit going down somewhere. He just decided to get distracted when he was following Bruce because it is convenient.

Anyway, as Supes flies off, Batman gets beaten to the chase to rob Luthor of data by Wonder Woman.

They flirt a little as Supes does all these obligatory Zack Snyder poster shots. Holly Hunter adds into the Superman debate when she is asked by an interviewer - 'must there be a Superman?' Well, the answer to that, according to Zack Snyder must have been - HELL NO!

Because in ALL orf Superman's scenes, it is always people talking TO him. They don't talk with him, he doesn't tell people shit, he just stands or sits there and people just flap their mouths at him.

Lois talks TO him, Ma Kent talks TO him, Luthor talks TO him, Batman talks TO him. And when people are confused or pissed off or afraid of Superman, what did he do? He doesn't come out and say anything.

If Superman just went and said, "Hold up, bitches, I got this shit." the whole entire shitty consequences in the movie would not have been that way. If he had released a Press release, tweeted or instagrammed some shit, people wouldn't have to die.

And people die. By the truckloads. They drop off like flies.

I'm getting ahead of myself. Ah, fuck it, the movie doesn't make sense anyway.

Wandering Woman

So let's get to Wonder Woman.

I love Gal Gadot and think that even though she doesn't have any tits, they should just go with that as an updated version of the ideal feminine beauty in this century. When Wonder Woman was created decades ago, she was a busty amazon because that's the standard of beauty back then. Gal Gadot is the current definition of beauty, so the costume could have been more steamlined and I wouldn't care.

Wonder Woman is also a badass, but here are problems with the character and it is all Zack Snyder's fault.

First up, Wonder Woman has absented herself from our world for close to 100 years. Okay. I get it. Then she resurfaces because... there is a picture of her during WW1. Like, what? There is ONE FUCKING PICTURE and you just resurface to get a DIGITAL COPY of that picture?

What the fuck, Diana?

And then, despite flirting a bit with Bruce Wayne/Batman, Wonder Woman was about to go back into hiding or whatever, when - again - there was a news report about some lightning shit happening in Metropolis.

Then she just ups and appears as Wonder Woman. WHAT. THE. FUCK?

The only thing she knew was that there were some lightning-y shit happening in Metropolis. She didn't know Doomsday was coming out. Assface and Batman weren't fighting Doomsday yet, so why did she almost blew her cover to save their asses?

It makes no fucking sense. Wonder Woman disappeared after WW1. She left us when Hitler was gassing all those people in WW2. She left the world alone when two - TWO - atomic bombs killed thousands of people. She ignored a fucking world war, three to four major wars after that, some sizeable conflicts and multiple genocides, not to mention Zod destroying half of Metropolis 18 months ago ... and she comes back because some lightning-y shit was happening? And it was earlier because of some grainy black and white photo that was digitised and of which an infinite number of copies could be made?

Descent Into Madness

Anyway, I lost where I am because I am so angry. Let's just say Superman, Assface, went to a hearing and a guy who was a former employee of Bruce Wayne and now recruited by Luthor, blew everyone up in the hearing thing setup whatever.

Oh, oh, I forgot. As part of the storyline to make Luthor seem like a super menacing villain, he had an exchange with Holly Hunter. She said some sass to him about "You can take a bucket of piss and call it Granny's Peach Tea but I won't drink it." earlier.

So at the hearing, Holly Hunter saw a jar right on her table, and it was labeled Granny's Peach Tea. And the room blew up. Because of the wheelchair bomb by the former employee, not Granny's Peach Tea, which is urine.

Aw, man. This movie is so horrible, I don't think I'm making sense even to myself anymore.

Anyway, Lois Lane finally figures out that Lexcorp or someone connected to Lexcorp is trying to frame Superman. And that this conspiracy probably figured out that she is connected to Superman, and maybe they figured out that Clark Kent is Superman.

Now, what does she do with this information? ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING. She met Superman a few times after that and NEVER TELLS HIM this news. WORST. GIRLFRIEND. EVER.

If she just told Superman, maybe send him a text or a Whatsapp, "Hey, man, there are people trying to set you up and they probably know you are Clark Kent, so you maybe would want to keep your loved ones (me and your mother, and Jimmy Olsen - oops, he's dead) safe or something."

Luthor is played as a young billionaire with speech tics. He seems more like The Joker than Luthor. Luthor is Lawful Evil, not Chaotic Evil, dumbass Snyder.

Okay, so after the hearing place thing - some court on capitol hill or whatever, got blown up, Batman steals the Kryptonite from Lexcorp. Oh wait. Hold up.

Before this, Batman found out Luthor was smuggling kryptonite into Metropolis. So what does he do?

1. He fires a huge, HUGE tracker on the truck transporting it. This tracker of course has a big-ass beeping red light on it.

2. He chases the truck in his Batmobile. This is a great action sequence. Would have enjoyed it but it didn't make any fucking sense. If you have a tracker on, why did you have to follow it? And Batman killed a few of the baddies here. I don't really care that Batman kills. Okay, so this version kills people, but he's so un-Batmanlike when he kills. At least show some remorse, bitch.

3. Then Superman just stops his car.

Superman didn't know he was chasing after a truck, didn't check on the truck and did not show any inclination to hunt down Batman but he showed up anyway, ending Batman's chase.

So after that Batman goes home and he sees the tracker showing him that the truck is in Lexcorp research facility or some shit.

In the Lexcorp place, the tracker is still there - still huge, still blinking LOUDLY, and nobody notices a goddamned thing.

So as the Superman hearing got blown up, Bruce Wayne was in his office, seething. He's angry because that dude in the wheelchair has been sending back the cheques he was supposed to have received every month with shit written on it to goad and poke Bruce Wayne.

The writings are all, "Wake up, Bruce Wayne." "You're blind, Bruce Wayne" and "You let your family die."

These letters, these fucking letters written as if it was by The Joker, pushed Batman off the edge so he steals the kryptonite from Lexcorp.

Wait a minute. What?

So all it took, to push Batman to try and kill Superman, was a bunch of letters? This was referenced later in the movie when Luthor admitted to Superman that it was in fact he who sent those cheques back. He wrote those letters and that it was easy to goad Batman into trying to kill Superman.

Batman, the World's Greatest Detective, fooled and manipulated by Luthor using snail mail. We have a Wonder Woman who is concerned about a black and white photo, a Superman who doesn't communicate even though he's a journalist, and a Batman who can be tricked with pen and paper. FUCK YOU SNYDER.

SO anyway, Batman does a training montage. He takes a sledgehammer and pounds on a bus tyre. Now, I think Snyder went to his gym and asked his trainer, "Bro, what's the coolest way to train your upper-body so you'd look like a duck wearing body armour?" "A duck wearing body armour, you say? Take a sledgehammer and pound a bus tyre, bro. That's some hardcore cross-fit shit right there."

Here's a thought - doing any kind of strength training in a short period of time won't increase your strength immediately. It will take time -months or even years, before they bear results. You basically tear your muscles and wait for it to heal - oh whatever.

Batman turns most of the kryptonite into a spear, and the shavings into some sort of kryptonite gas. He makes three 40mm kryptonite-gas grenade or something.

Then he shines his bat signal to the sky, waiting for Superman.

Dead Father

Superman was doing his mopey shit up some mountain somewhere when he had a vision of his dead father. His dumbass dead father who killed himself by not allowing his superpowered son to save him in Man of Steel. But that's another movie. Allow me to UGH! Allow me to say what's wrong with this appearance.

Superman's dad told Superman, "You know, one night it rained so hard the farm almost got flooded. I worked with my dad and we managed to divert the water. Then your grandmother baked me a cake - a hero cake - and I ate it. It was the next day when we found out we diverted the water all right, but it went to Lang's farm. As I was eating my hero cake, their horses were drowning."

Okay, so Superman's dad saved his own farm but in so doing flooded another farmer's land, killing their horses. What's the moral of the story here? What can we learn from this shit parable?


You save yourself, then other people get fucked? What? So... save myself? Don't save myself? What?

Then Superman's dad, he said that he hears the horses in his dreams every night. I'm surprised that he's not Horseman or some shit because in Snyder's world, anyone traumatised by any animal in his dreams becomes a superhero with that animal's traits.

Superman's father then said the voices of the horses only stopped when he met his wife.

So... sex absolves all guilt? Is this the lesson you're trying to impart? Cause I'm pretty sure sex, while excellent, also comes with it a sense of guilt. SO it doesn't make sense - well, the whole movie doesn't make any sense.

Setting Up The Big Shit

Lois Lane was kidnapped by Luthor and they have a chat before Luthor pushes Lois off his building. Of course, Superman appears whenever Lois is in trouble and saves her. He even kisses her on the ground. No wonder people could figure out your secret identity, Assface. Anyone who has EYES can just deduce that Superman is the dude banging Lois Lane.

And why didn't he save her when she was being kidnapped? Why did he save her only when she is falling off a building?

Superman had his chat with Luthor when Luthor told Superman, "I got your mother." and shows him pictures of her just like The Joker did to Batman and Gordon in The Killing Joke.

So Superman is blackmailed to go fight Batman. Before he does so, he goes to Lois, who was almost in a cab, and they talk.

"I have to get him (Batman) to help me, or I might have to kill him." Said Superman. And then, "Nobody stays good forever."

Dude, you killed people. You personally killed Zod and worse - you allowed thousands of people die. You don't allay the fears of these dumb humans and you don't explain yourself or take the time or trouble to understand delicate situations in Nairomi and everywhere, causing the deaths of lots and lots of people. You are, by all intents and purposes of Zack Fucking Snyder, an asshole - a selfish bastard who causes the loss of life, limb and property. You have NEVER been good.

So anyway, after showing to the cab driver that YES - Superman's secret identity is whoever is banging Lois Lane - Superman flies to Batman.

Setting up The OTHER Big Shit

Just before Superman fights Batman, the movie completely stops for like, 5 minutes as Wonder Woman gets an email from Bruce Wayne. In the email attachment we see files from Lexcorp - they were doing surveillance on meta-humans (members of the Justice League.)

They had their logos and shit!

Apparently, Lex Luthor called up some branding agency or graphic designer or some shit and paid them to create logos for these superheroes. Cyborg had a C and Aquaman had an A and The Flash had a lightning bolt. ANd Wonder Woman had the double Ws. WHAT THE FUCK?


It was such a lazy way of shoehorning a promo for the Justice League movie. And such a clumsy way of slotting it in. I don't want a Justice League movie. I don't want anything from the DC cinematic universe.

The Big Shit

Now, Superman could have just said, "Batman, I need your help. Luthor kidnapped my mother." But he didn't did he? He just goes and says meaningless drivel before Batman sets off traps against Superman.

This series of traps could have worked if they showed Batman gave absolutely no chance for Superman to say or do anything. Just one after the other, bam, bam bam. But noooo. The gap between traps is so long, you could fit in another movie inside each one.

One time, Batman sets off a regular smoke bomb and that fucking fooled Superman. Superman, with X-Ray vision, couldn't see through a goddamned smoke bomb.

So anyway, Batman uses kryptonite gas to weaken Superman so he could fight him. Kryptonite gas should just kill Superman, but whatever.

So one time, Batman has Superman on the ground, right? He ties Superman's foot up and goes for a... sink? Batman has a badass Superman-Buster/Kryptonian-Killer armoured suit on, worth at least a bajillion-kajillion dollars, with like, a grandzillion horsepower or some shit - and he just did some sledgehammer on bus tyres crossfit - AND HE REACHES FOR A PUBLIC TOILET SINK? To hit SUPERMAN?

What the fuck is wrong with you, Zack Snyder?

Throw a batarang. Kick his head in. Chokeslam the fucker. A PUBLIC TOILET SINK?

And then... and then we go to the worst part of the movie. The Absolute Worst.

The Absolute Worst Part of Batman v Superman

As Batman was about to drive a kryptonite spear through Superman's chest, Superman Assface says this: "Martha! They're gonna kill Martha!"

He meant Martha Kent, his adopted Earth mother.

Batman was like, "Why'd you say that name?". He raises the spear higher.

And then Lois Lane rushes in and yells, "That's his mother's name!"

And Batman remembers that his own mother's name is Martha - Martha Wayne - and FUCKING THROWS THE SPEAR AWAY AND IMMEDIATELY BECOMES BEST FRIENDS WITH SUPERMAN.

He was all like, "I promise you, man! Martha won't die tonight!"

So here is a man who probably pounded on a bus tyre for 2 years with a sledgehammer, who stole and killed to prepare for killing Superman, and he stopped BECAUSE THEIR MOTHER'S NAMES ARE THE SAME? Are you fucking kidding me?

Of all the stupid things that have been done in all movies in all of human history, there has never been something as stupid as this. Congratulations, Zack Snyder. You have killed Superman, DC and Warner Brothers.

Fuck them and fuck you too.

I just can't go on. I feel so goddamned tired right now.

In Conclusion

BvS is not a Superman movie or a Batman movie. It's not a Justice League movie. In fact, it's not a movie. It is not even a story.

Stories tell you stuff. Reasons why this or that happens. At the very least gives you a chance to figure it out.

Unfortunately, un-fucking-fortunately, none of the things that happened in the movie had any reason for being, none of the characters had any motivation to do anything they did, none of the plot points were introduced or resolved properly.

Here's the thing: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice is just a series of posters with absolutely nothing stitching them together. It's bloated and gaudy and stupid.

It is insulting not just to DC fans or comics fans in general - it is a fuck you to general audiences and normal humans as well.

It is clear that Zack Snyder finally had his revenge on Superman. He finally has his emotional and moral as well as creative comeuppance against that robber dressed as Superman who most surely have shot and killed his dog those years ago. Because there is no other explanation for such hatred on Superman and the Superman mythos.

Go fuck yourself, Zack Snyder. May you make more pieces of turd, each worse than the other. And may they bomb at the box office, permanently killing Warner Brothers so we would never EVER have another DC film ever again.

Friday, March 25, 2016

BatMe v SuperMe: Don of Chastise

I watched Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice on Wednesday morning, as part of a Press preview. I then announced on Twitter that I will be doing a review and it will come out in The Malaysian Reserve next week. Could have done it sooner but I wanted to watch it again on Thursday as I really disliked that movie and needed an extra viewing to compose my thoughts.

I wrote the review today and it is ready to be submitted.

The story I want to tell here is what I experienced after I hinted that I disliked the movie. People began to show their displeasure at me. Someone even told me to go and have sex because the lack of fucking is the sole reason I disliked BvS.

I countered by saying that I have had more sex than the average human male would in his lifetime, but that statement was met with derision.

I began to observe that for most humans, if you do not share their views, then you are automatically against it. For example, I don't think people should have children because resources on this planet are not enough and most parents can't afford their children's education funding.

I also do not like children.

This does not mean I will be sneaking into people's houses late at night and slitting their children's throats while they sleep. It also doesn't mean that I actively petition stupid politicians to do a culling of humans in order to conserve Earth's resources - as any Malthusian should. I also don't haul a loudspeaker in front of their homes and shout what I believe in all day, every day.

However, it seems that these primitives only see anyone else as imposing their views upon them, because they do it. Yes, these breeders and people who like BvS want everyone to have the same views as them, or they are trying to convince them that their views are wrong.

Let me assure everyone that I have no interest in the views of others. I like Terminator Genisys, Jurassic World and I loved the hell out of Star Wars The Force Awakens and I have never sought to 'correct' those who do not share the same views. I have no interest in them or their views and I am sad that I have to state this as a fact rather than for it to be understood as a general ground rule.

I am a confirmed bachelor, like Bruce Wayne, but without the money or the PTSD. Or the big dick Ben Affleck is packing. I don't like politicians, I don't like lying and I believe everyone can do their jobs well and/or live their lives without lying.

I believe that we should all be responsible for any child we bring forth to this increasingly warmer planet and also all the horrors the children will face in the next few decades. This includes a potential world war, environmental apocalypse, economic collapse and ultimately - death.

What I believe in is not in any way what I want you to believe. I do not care about you or your beliefs. I am self-absorbed, and therefore only concern myself with what I believe in. Case in point: I only read my own Facebook profile and no one else's.

I think marriage is expensive and unnecessary and have never found anyone worthy of all the trouble. Okay, maybe two girls are worth it - Jessica Alba and Scarlett Johansson. But they, too, will get old and they will die. One day they will say something stupid or tell a lie and that's it - attraction gone.

I consider all humans to be inferior, but that does not mean I see myself as superior. Humans are just fucked up flawed lying idiots. So if you'll keep yourselves away from me, I'd be much obliged.

And so, I end this with BvS sucks!

P/S: Buy my book! Click on this link!