Friday, July 30, 2010

The New Adventures of Amir Hafizi

I have no idea what will happen tomorrow.

This used to drive me crazy. The uncertainties. So I piled on stuff to do. I used to work for almost 20 hours a day. Learning to be still is a challenge.

Dealing with the fear of the future, being worried, is useless. The future will happen no matter what I do.

I have made sure that no one depends on me. I don't have a family to support. Not really. No one to worry about. So anything and everything is just for me.

In that, I am lucky.

I understand that things happen when I am still. When I am just sitting down, doing nothing. If I go headless chicken, and is the primary mover, the primum mobile, I make things happen. And there is a time for both.

I know this. I knew this. But knowing and doing are two different things.

These past few days, I used to find my center again. First two days, it was just me letting loose and seeing the dysfunctions in my life. The stories I tell myself.

Come third day, I had a long, hard look. Many revelations came to me. I was like, 'Oh, okay.'

I didn't even need to go and tell people about it. I was just, 'Okay. So that's what it's about.'

I have always seen any sort of depression or negativity as a chance to observe myself in action.

For example, I didn't even realise how tired I was. I slept for 15 hours the first day, cause for the past few months, I have been sleeping for 3-4 hours tops. Even on my off days.

I've been juggling so many roles and trying arrogantly to save so many people, that I forgot to get real with myself.

I also discovered my guilt because I didn't do enough. Or I used people to fuel my delusions. Which is like rape. Cause rape is about using people to feel powerful.

Man, I can write a book about all my bullshit. Maybe I can use it for movies and TV.

Oh well. This is just me being me. I will always be clear with myself.

I still don't know what will happen tomorrow. And all I can say is, "Surprise me, you filthy bastard!"