Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Dysfunctional Me

Recently, I finally understood the nature of my dysfunctional relationships with people.

In short, I try to fix people.

I'm a superhero, right? So I save people. I'm a genius, right? So my mind is addicted to solving problems and puzzles.

I have stopped causing problems for myself, so my mind finds its fix of drama and problems from other people. Outsourcing negativity.

I began, years ago, to solve other people's problems.

Malaysia sucks. Okay, I'll get you a job with the UN.

They don't have money, so I hook people up with jobs and projects.

I was playing my role. A superhero. I was identifying with the form.

Going through a divorce? Call ME! I know how to win.

It is sick.

Doing this actually serves my ego by:

1. I can pretend that I am a superhero.

2. I can be right and everyone else is wrong.

3. I can be superior than other people.

It wasn't until I stopped identifying with my roles and being aware of my addiction was I able to connect and be of service effectively to the people I care about.

Seeing people past their problems, as people and not as puzzles, was a great revelation.

I no longer need companionship to serve the ends of giving my mind more material. I am aware when my mind throws me these noble, comic book stories where I am the superhero of the story. No more delusions. No judgments. When I am conscious.

My job now is simply to enjoy the present. I still help people, but I believe my relationship with that is no longer addictive or obsessive.

I don't know whether this is useful to anyone or not, but I hope it can serve a purpose for a few.