Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Final Vent

I am okay now, but a few hours ago, it was as if I got a huge mace shoved up my ass.

My head felt heavy, and I just felt empty.

I am a drama queen, and a really dramatic one at that, but this was getting physical.

I felt like I had to run.

So I took the rest of the week off.

I need some rest.

Looking at the kind of stuff I am doing - the magic and miracles I pulled off as well as the shit I put myself through - it is curious that I didn't just drop dead.

Before I puke blood, I need some time off.

I have already sown the seeds of destruction. Now, is just time to wait.

I hate waiting. But it is a process I need to learn in order to do certain things.

I would have done well at the stock market, but I would have dropped dead by 25.

All the stuff I learned and are training myself to do is no fancy whim, or a fad, but ultimately necessary in keeping me going and out of the loony bin.

I am very much self-aware. I know myself better than anyone. I know my roles. I know my ego. My pain, my triumph and my losses.

This was one of the deepest pits in my life. Something I put myself through.

With everything available to me, I know exactly what to do.

The two days off is a good decision. Waiting is necessary, because if everything happened all at once, I will have an aneurysm.

Letting go of certain things is also good.

My cycle of venting and meditating has worked wonders.

My mind is a mess. I can spew torrents of ideas wrapped inside each other, to a few hundred layers.

If my mind is a mess, it shouldn't be in control. Whenever it is in control, things start flying about.

My instincts, though, are extremely stable and reliable. 100% correct.

I know and realise what is real and what is not.

Using my instincts, I can sense the real thing behind anything.

So, without the chatter, at home, I am free and happy. In a more complicated situation with complex social dynamics, I can bring the awareness into it.

In theory, it works. But I have not been able to do this.

The good thing is, the time is not now. Now, I wait.

Will report findings later, either success or failure.