Sunday, January 24, 2010

Don't Make Me...

It has been a few days since I quit smoking. And I am ANGRY! ANGRY!

And I find myself explaining things. Why this is happening or that, and whatever. It seems I have regressed to my teen years, when I actually gave a fuck about shit.

Just the other day, someone came up to me and asked for directions.

Dude: Dude, where is blablabla?


And that's where I sent him. Up his ass.

The explaining, I really hate. Especially, if it's one of my bosses asking.

Boss: Hey, can you do this?

Me: Ah, yes, well, it is possible, but it depends on some variables, see? If the windspeed and local gravitational constant is withing range of a thousandth of a decimal point and if Uranus is aligned with Neptune and Pluto, well, that's not really a planet, just some space junk, right? And if the heavenly bodies, and not the Heavenly Kings, are all right see, we can certainly do it. But I must say. Our ___ SUCK ASS. And we need more access to ___ and ___, see?

Boss: Ah. Hehehe.

It's a wonder whether I get to stop smoking, or get fired first.

The worst thing, though, is controlling my body. My mind tries to do some old tricks.

"Come on, a pack of 14s is not as bad as three packs a day!" I would reason with myself. "I mean, you've done good! You're not coughing anymore. Your sense of smell is better. And you sleep more now. Time to reward yourself."

No. I can allow the occasional cigarette or two a day, but I can't be buying packs, or sitting down and knocking back stick after stick.

My mind, I can control. I spent most of my life, training my brain.

My body, though, is experiencing cold sweats, shakes and a desire to punch people in the face.

I allow anger to fester. Allow it. Embrace it. Acknowledge it. And then let it go. If it becomes too tedious, I get a stick. Takes the edge off, but only if I wait for a full hour before lighting it up.

After a full 60 minutes, you lose the need.

I'm still angry, though. Angry and tired. But I haven't bought a single pack since Wednesday. Or was it Tuesday.

I will not go back to my addiction. Fuck cigarettes. I have been coughing for five years. These past few days, I've been breathing easy.

Sure, I don't write as much and I don't stay up as long, but that can change, when I get hooked on caffeine. Or ampethamines. Or pseudoepinephrine.

Not making sense now. Because I am ANGRY! ANGRY!