Monday, February 2, 2009

I.P. Man

Some of my friends wanted to watch Ip Man a few weeks ago.

So they went to the counter.

Friends: We want X tickets to watch Ip Man.

Counterman: No, sorry, there's no such movie.

Friends: But the poster is right there, with screening schedules!

Counterman. Ah. That's I.P. Man. How many tickets again?

Holy shit on the shroud of Florence!

And I thought it was a run-of-the-mill kung fu action movie. But noooo. This here's the defining superhero-movie of the year.

Faster than a speeding bit packet! Stronger than any Internet signal outside of Malaysia! Able to actually deliver information over a network instead of hoping for the Malaysian best ( = better than Pos Malaysia). Fighting for Porn! Justin! And the Malaysian Internet way!

Look! Up in the routers! It's a bit! It's a meme! It's....I. P. MAAAAAAAAANNNN!

Before you can even say "Intellectual Property rights should go to the people who actually did the creative product and not some bloated politically-linked organisation", Internet Protocol Man is there!

I.P. Man: Orson Wells. Err...I mean, I.P. Man. I rule over the Interwebs, entrusted by Interweb God Anonymous, with the powers of an unbreakable connection, speed of fibre-optics and the ability to do annoying ASCII art all over your screen.

Boy: I.P. Man! I.P. Man! I can't connect to the Internet because I'm using Maxis Broadband!

I.P. Man: Change your ISP, son. Next!

Boy 2: Hey! My Streamyx connection is gone every time it rains! What do I do, I.P. Man?

I.P. Man: Sucks to be you. Telekom holds a monopoly on ALL the Malaysian Internet. Fuck should they care if your Internet sucks. Your best bet is to migrate elsewhere, where they have REAL Internet. As in, anywhere but here. Try Zimbabwe. And...umm...go see Jeff Ooi and his Little Bird(hehehe).

Boy 2: Jeff 'BirdMP' Ooi and his Little Bird(hehehe)? Will he fap around his Little Bird(hehehe) on the heads of the Internet Service Providers and force TM to actually serve the public what they are paid to serve? Will he finally, irrevocably, solve my problems?

I.P. Man: Nope. NEXT!

Man: Hey, I.P. Man! There are Intellectual Property issues in Malaysia. Won't you come and help us?

I.P. Man: You got the wrong superhero. Plus, is anything in Malaysia ever intellectual? Is there intelligent life in this country? I don't think so.

Man 2: So what CAN you do?

Man: Yeah! You're pretty useless as a superhero.

I.P. Man: What can I do? I bring you PORN. The sauce of all life. Without PORN, you wouldn't even be here.

Man: True. True.

Will I.P. Man ever show some PORN? Will there ever be IPTV? Fuck you next time. Same I.P. time, same I.P. charnel.