Kuala Lumpur - A blogger was apprehended today while making a getaway. The 80-year-old man had earlier robbed Maybank Bangsar at Blackberry-point, threatening to blog about the poor service of the bank employees LIVE.
"I was really scared," said bank employee Junaidah. "He could simply topple the Malaysian and global economy if he had exposed how bad our services were."
The man initially made off with RM50.00 in the now-unused 1 cent coins. The weight of said coins caused the obese man to fall down and break his back, allowing the police to capture him alive.
"We would have rather shot him instead, if he weren't impervious to bullets," said police officer Achmed Achmed. "He was yelling and waving around his Blackberry, threatening to use profanity upon unsuspecting, helpless politicians. That man is dangerous."
This incident is the latest in a wave of blogger-related crimes. 10,000 robberies, 1.8 million murders and 3,000 snatch thefts have all been attributed to bloggers.
The Prime Minister is expected to table a motion to regulate Blackberry and other portable internet devices.
"Blackberrys and laptops with portable modems and wifi-enabled notebooks are weapons of mass destruction," said the Prime Minister. "And some bloggers have also demonstrated super-powers such as teleportation (Mukhriz), kage bunshin no jutsu or body multiplication (Rocky and Teresa Kok), incredible strength and endurance (Tian Chua), verbal tai chi (Che Det) and morals (Anwar Ibrahim, Haris Ibrahim, Elizabeth Wong, Jeff Ooi).
"There should be some way to control these people. Otherwise, society as we know it will crumble and human aspiration and achievement will be gone - just like in the Kingdom Come comic books."
Former Heroes writer and comic book scribe Jeph Loeb has been contacted to be a consultant on dealing with bloggers. However Fomema - the only medical organisation that can approve of any foreigners working in this country - has been sold to Singaporeans and has declined to give out a medical certificate to allow Loeb into Malaysia.
An interview with an anonymous blogger has revealed that Loeb would have had little impact, if any.
"We bloggers are powerful, important figures!" said the unnamed blogger. "What we write is law - LAW - and we speak for the PEOPLE. THE PEOPLE, I tell you!
"Just look at the comments we received. Why, just today, I received THREE! Three comments from people saying I am right. See? The PEOPLE agrees with us!
"I mean, sure, some of us failed in life and that's why we are trying oh-so-desperately to matter on the Internet, but with these superpowers derived from exposure to bandwith, we shall be Malaysia's new Gods! Muahahahahaha!"
The interview was cut short as the unnamed blogger choked on his saliva, keeled over and died.