Monday, February 23, 2009

Amir Hafizi, Journalist Paranoid, Dies

This is my obituary. Am writing it so you fuckers won't screw it up when I finally kick the bucket.

Amir Hafizi died this morning, sandwiched by two thousand good-looking prostitutes. Cause of death was a massive orgasm that transcended nirvana and registered at 9.8 million on the Jeremy-scale.

The 28-year-old claimed to have been to school, but most doubt it as he has the mental age of a 10-year-old.

Most pretentious people would point to Hunter S Thompson as a person he would like to emulate. However, Amir Hafizi has been on record saying that he loathes Hunter S Thompson and the drug-addicted pretentious motherfuckers he inspired.

Here he is on the subject:

"I loathe Hunter S Thompson and the drug-addicted pretentious motherfuckers he inspired."

- Amir Hafizi

In reality, Amir Hafizi was inspired by two people, one of them not real.

Neil Gaiman and Spider Jerusalem.

Failing to publish his stories in his early 20s, Gaiman became a journalist for eight years.

Jerusalem, as we all know, lives in the future, and was also inspired by Hunter S Thompson.

While others lapped up the lies of Perasan Rakyat as morally-superior beings who will save the country and everyone from the cancerous corruption of BN, Amir Hafizi has stayed a non-believer of political hypocrisy (normal hypocrisy applies). And of blogging.

"Bloggers think they matter. They don't. They're the same decaying organic matter as everything else. And Perasan Rakyat politicians don't fart rainbows and ponies."

We should all pray to Anwar for the redemption of this misguided soul.

His political views are somewhat apolitical, in the sense that he has gone on record as saying that he 'hates everyone and everything, especially politicians and politicians' bullshit'.

The disturbed and sometimes paranoid writer tried to convince the Government in forming a House Un-Malaysian Comittee, similar to the HUAC of Senator McCarthy days so he would be able to hunt down and destroy idiots.

After failing to convince the Government to adopt his proposals for alternative fuels and open source software, he started killing people with a sniper shotgun from atop high places.

Towards the end of his life, Amir Hafizi tried unsuccessfully to cash in on his Malayness and become a millionaire.

"Where's my FUCKING NEP MONEY????!!!"

- Amir Hafizi

He leaves behind nothing. Absolutely nothing. And is grieved by no one. As it should be.