Thursday, July 10, 2008

Mein Kant: Introduction

So. I decided to write a non-fiction book. This book. Well, actually, all this is fiction.

I did it for the lulz.

I wish I could have said that. In ancient Internet jargon, say, circa 2004/2005, I did it for the lulz means doing it for the sheer pleasure of watching other people die and crumble before you. Schadenfreude.

But I am writing this because I am worried. Terribly worried.

There is an impending economic storm in the horizon. The 21st Century no longer looks like an Asian century. We all look like century eggs about to be raped by some fat Azn mouth.

The recent results of the elections(at the time this is written), last March 2008 seemed at first, to be a victory for democracy.

After a few months, it looks more like democracy's fugly stupid sister.

Not two weeks after the much-vaunted 'victory' of the opposition, I sat down with some opposition members and MPs who were already talking about infighting and whatever shit.

Then the double sodomy scandals hit.

I did a poll of DAP members and asked them, "What's your plan for the impending economic crisis?"

The answer was, more often than not, micro-scale bullshit. Like giving money to poor people. Yeah, that's a good thing, but how in the blue hell would that stem the impending economic crisis?

Okay, so some people are wagging the dog with the sodomy scandals. What are they going to do to make sure that the country focuses on important stuff like hetero porn, I mean, like fortifying our trades and shit? Like foreign investments and things with molecular structure and THIS. IS. MY. BOOM. STICK!?

They haven't a clue.

"We think it's an UMNO problem."

Na-ah! It's a PKR problem. AND it's diverting attention and energy ad resources away from the economy and the Government.

And then I asked a stupid fucking general question to these opposition people.

"What do you think of our fossil-fuel based economy?"

"Oh, it's bad."

And? Any ideas?

"We should emulate Singapore."

What the fuck, man? Do you mean to suggest that following Singapore's lead in allowing only half the vehicles on the road on any given day ill actually do anything?

Stop thinking like municipal councils la, dey!

I am sorry to say, but my ass can run the country better than these people. And I am not even saying that I can be a good leader for the nation. I would destroy the country, if I were ever in power.

What I AM saying is that MY ASS can run the country better than these people who say a lot but know jack shit.

I have not asked UMNO people about the impending economic crisis, but I am ASSUMING that their answers would be something like this:

"We will...make some studies...on...the price of...chicken. And...rice...and we will talk to the KSU to release more funds."

Or some shit like that.


Since MY ASS is the greatest economist left in this country, I am presenting this book as a guide on how to rule and how to run. Consider it a manifesto I expect politicians and normal people to embrace and shove it up their collective asses.

THIS, my peeps, is HOW you run a country. I know it's not the BEST way, but like I said, MY ASS can run this country better than you.

So, rather than follow your own myopic shit, just follow my ass.