Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Beat 'Em Up: How to Take Advantage of Women

So you're a man (or a lesbian). Want to feel even manlier?

Try (NEW AND IMPROVED!) spousal abuse!

Here, I provide the tips and tricks needed to be a successful abuser.

1. Cry Like a Bitch

If you have not abused your spouse before, this may come as a shock to her.

To make her ready for more 'free kicks', you can use the 'cry like a bitch' tactic.

After beating her up, simply cry like a bitch and blame everything that happened on her.

Here's an example:


Wife: Ouch! AAAAAARGHH!! My ovaries! My precious ovaries!

(now run to the corner and cry like a bitch)

Manly Man: Boo fucking hoo! You made me a dirty man! Dirty man! You made me beat you up! Boo hoo hoo!

Crying like a bitch works every time, because women think that men are emotionally crippled beings. They pity men. And when you open up and cry like a bitch, they would be so fucking sympathetic. Muahahahahahaha! Retards.


This is the most important step of being an abuser. ALways, ALWAYS blame the woman for everything. EVERYTHING!

Your shirt is crumpled because you sat on it? HER FAULT. Five across the eyes.

The rising price of oil? HER FAULT. A kick on her vagina.

The Tsunami? Because some women pierced their bellies. Yes. This was Malaysia's official stand during the Zouk haul. Keep 'em locked up in a cage and parade them out and stare at their tits. And then beat them up when they get home.

3. Hide behind religion.

I don't care what religion. Just hide behind the nearest one. You need not really know about the religion or believe in it at all in order for you to take advantage of the religion.


Manly Man: I was sent to earth as the caliph! Men are the caliph of the earth! Bow down before me and RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAA!

Wife: I think the correct translation is MANKIND. Mick Foley. Not You. Your name's Fakar.

Now is a good time to bust her in the kneecaps.

Manly Man: I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die. RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAA!


Manly Man: Eve sinned! With a snake! Now you must pay for her sins!

Wife: But Jesus 'El Saviooooooooorrrrrr' Christ died on the cross for our sins, including mine!

Backhanded slap!

Manly Man: Who gives a shit? Dirtypillows! Dirtypillows! RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAA!

4. Trust Malaysian Society

Here's an open secret. When a woman reports of abuse, the idiots in Malaysia would probably either not believe her or start blaming her.

In one tragic case, one woman who is related to a friend of mine was laughed out of a police station when she reported the abuse.

Most Malaysian women would start blaming the woman for failing to keep a dick.

Here are excerpts from an ACTUAL conversation I heard a couple of weeks ago.

Bitch: What if I don't get married?

Cunt: Why won't you? Marriage = success. Breeding is our only role in life. We're like a virus. We need to infect the earth with calls of the prophet.

Bitch: But what if the husband beats me up?


Bitch: But what if he's just pure dang nasty evil?!

Cunt: Then IT'S YOUR FAULT cause you chose the wrong husband. Choose one that is very religious.


5. Always Make Her Feel Small

As long as a woman think her breasts are small. Erm. I mean, as long as a woman feels small, she would believe in all your bullshit.

Actually, this works in ALL relationships - gay, lesbian, hetero, work, whatever. As long as you highlight each and every fault of your spouse and emotionally abuse her by saying that everything that went wrong was their fault and they did wrong every time, you will be able to keep them under control.

Manly Man: Your small tits caused the war in Iraq!

Wife: Boo hoo hoo.

Manly Man: And by looking like a man, you made me gay and made me fuck my aide. Now, RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAA!!

6. Isolation

ALways control the perception held by the people around you. ESPECIALLY her friends. If possible, turn them against her.

As with everything else here, this also works for gay or work relationships as well.

When she has no support structure, then they will only look to you for affection. And dick. Like a dog.

Use these this simple guide and you'll feel like an Ultimate Fighting Championship World Champion. Or Zinedine Zidane.