I am the most important person in the Universe. I will lead mankind to higher planes of existence, come December 22, 2012. Therefore, it is good that you know some things about me.
1. Whenever I enter a room, a trumpet blares, somewhere.
2. Sometimes, I eat the sausage in a hot dog independent of everything else. Like a sausage solo, in a hot dog symphony. I also do this with other components of the hot dog. I will finish it with a combination of everything, as it reaches a palatal crescendo.
3. I have written my acceptance speeches for various awards, including the Academy, and the Nobel.
4. I flush, clean my ass, and flush again. Thus ensuring that my ass is ready for licking, and destroying man's most valuable natural resource - clean water.
5. I use TRESemme hair products.
6. I like to wear flip-flops, ragged shorts and t-shirts everywhere, and once wore this ensemble to a weddding. With a helmet.
7. I fucking hate touch-screens.
8. My favourite bottled non-alcoholic drink is Pokka White Chrysanthemum Tea. Two bottles, and I can't sleep at night.
9. I prefer fans to air-conditioners.
10. When asking for an autograph, please approach to within 10 metres of me, place both hands on the small of your back, bow down or curtsy gently, approach in a brisk yet non-threatening pace, state your name, sexual orientation, kiss my ass, get the autograph, and back away. Slowly.
11. The best kind of massage is scalp massage. Sometimes, I go and cut my hair just so the shampoo girl could massage my scalp. I would not go to simply wash my hair, because that would be effeminate, and I'm fucking macho like Marlon Brando.
12. Having spent five years at a boarding school, I know what it will be like if Anwar ever becomes PM of Malaysia. Five years of watching my ass.
13. In all probabilities, I hate you. And yet am civilised enough to mask my disdain with a showcase of uproarious laughter and gleeful mirth at your antics and monkey-speech.
14. I was born 40. And intend to stay that way.
15. I was born and raised near a very large swamp. Which means I can relate to Gambit and likes watching fucking scenes in True Blood.
16. My Tarot card is the Wheel of Fortune.
17. I was born on the day of the dragon, in the month of the tiger, in the year of the Metal Monkey.
18. I like dancers. Though it has been intimated to me, by methods of observation, that dancers do not necessarily make good fuckers.
19. I pay attention to people's voice, and the way they smell.
20. When I read a book, I imagine myself not as the character, but as the author. Trying to steal skills from them, and figuring out what they were thinking and what state of mind they were in.
21. I am not impressed with any form of modern drug culture. Drugs were fashionable in the 60s and 70s. It all went downhill from there.
22. The only reason I don't do drugs however, is because I tend to overdo things. Overdoing drugs is not my idea of a reasonable excess.
23. Though I do have a soft spot for pain-killers.
24. ...and my chosen method of death is via an overdose of morphine. Hey, kids. If you're ever in pain, just ask for morphine. It is THE BEST drug ever.
25. Give me a few hours with a book, source codes and a compiler/assembler, and I can learn almost any computer language. It's all just languages.
26. I am not racist. I am omni-racist. And if you can't take that, you can fuck off and move to Johannesburg.
27. I can discern what is said in Cantonese.
28. Tamil symbols confuse me.
29. My favourite smell is vanilla and fresh, earth-oven-baked, English dinner bread with not too much yeast. Too much yeast makes it smell like semen.
30. I was sick a lot as a child, so am now quite immune to most flus and colds.
31. I have been coughing for five years.
32. I wake up at 7.30am every morning. And then I go back to sleep.
33. I dream psychedelic dreams where Satan is a red-eyed Zami Ismail in pendekar get-up.
34. I was a card-carrying UMNO member. I showed it off to people. Then, one of the people I know stole the card, perhaps as evidence to later lampoon me in public for supporting the organisation that paid for my own membership card and membership fees. Good luck making use of that, friend - mellon.
35. I have little tolerance for rebel-wannabes, for I know what a true rebel is - a rambling mad man who wears plastic products.
36. I know what Che Guevara fought for. Do you?
37. I do not trust DAP's ideologies not because they are Sino-centric. I couldn't care less. I don't trust their ideologies because I simply do not trust them. There.
38. The only real benefit I got from the NEP were two free bags of manure.
39. I have always excelled at school. School is where you learn to beat the system. There is a system. Beat it. Beat it! Beat it! No one wants to beee defeated!
40. You do not know what I want. If you think you know, that is arrogance. Hubris!
41. I am become Galactus. The Devourer of Worlds.
42. You'll never catch me. Alive.
