Thursday, June 18, 2009


Some people expressed disbelief that I would cancel Bangkok to stay here and make myself available for family.

They probably don't get how I could prioritize my family above sex and above them.

Well, one of the main reasons I frequent Thailand in the first place is to train myself never to be controlled by sex. To show to myself that sex is only worth RM50, and if you're desperate, RM6, albeit with a granny in Lorong Hj Taib.

And the whole point of my adult life, if there is a point to it, is to ensure I don't fall into the high school trap of gaining popularity points using subterfuge and fake stuff.

As demonstrated recently, I can't even lie or pretend properly to save my life, or get money. I can lie, but it would be unconvincing.

That is why I focus on being the real deal. It might take longer, but I will not rely on hype. I get uneasy and awkward with hype. I have full faith and confidence in what I have done so far, what I am doing and what I will do next.

Finding that I couldn't publish books for millions of dollars worth of advance money, I took the Gaiman route. I became a journalist.

Then, I did movies. Then TV. Most will be out later this year. I wrote a book - two actually. An adaptation novel and another one. A couple of coffee-table books here and there.

I am uneasy in crowds, especially amongst politicians. Cause I suck at it. The only politics I know how is to do good work, and to work hard.

I will also not do other people's work for them, for I see how the best managers I know do not allow responsibilities to switch hands. Otherwise, you get the same people doing all the things. The 80-20 rule. 20% of the people doing 80% of the work.

And I sure as hell will not take the blame. Been there. Done that. Made me cough and vomit blood. Literally and figuratively. I want to take care of a few people, so I cannot allow myself to die just yet.

The decision I made to drop everything and manage my father's health as best I could was a decision I have no regrets in taking.

I owe my parents something. They are not the best in the world, but I am satisfied that they did their duties to the best of their abilities and their knowledge. Best effort.

They could have done better, but that was what they know and that was how they know to do it.

They were never rich. They did not have proper insurance coverage. They could not answer many of my questions as I was growing up. They were not the best role models for everything.

But some things, I will take with me.

My father is the pillar of his community. He opened the village he is living in now. He helped the poor, though he later regretted the choice. He was methodical and intellectual. He dabbled in politics not to push himself higher in the UMNO food chain, but to ensure the riff raffs are kept at bay. And that PIS would never win.

While Kuantan fell, Paya Besar remained BN. Thanks largely to old people like him. The real grassroots, whom BN politicos and wannabes have taken advantage of over the decades.

He would make sure there was always food on the table. Sometimes, not so much, but there was always enough to survive.

And while going to Bangkok would have been fun, I can't allow making myself absent in what could be his hour of greatest need.

Cause in the end, the only one thing he truly has is his family. No money, most of his friends died, no politicians, just his family. Us.

When I die, I will make sure as best I can that it would be from a morphine overdose. At 40. Sandwiched between two Thai girls.

And knowing my inability to lie, this could very well be the truth.