Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Taking Out the Garbage

For me, this year, 2010, has been about getting rid of things and people.

I used to be bothered by the misfortune that befalls other people. I do not believe this is necessary anymore. It doesn't mean I don't have to do anything about it, in fact, I believe it is time I acted solely on my instincts.

There is a charity project to build an extreme low-cost house for one family afflicted by the death of a loved one due to AIDS in Kuantan. I have identified several foundations, a group and individuals who can help.

I will be bringing them to Kuantan, perhaps in the first quarter of 2011. I have been talking about doing this kind of stuff for years now, and it is time I take action.

In fact, this is the first thing I am throwing out - my own tendency to procrastinate. Oh yes, despite my seemingly impulsive behaviour, a lot of things are calculated and set just so. There was order in chaos. A method to the madness. I may be many things, but stupid is not one of them. And even today, I always get what I want.

I'm tired of that, really. I am tired of being careful. I feel like a gay person in Malaysia. I feel like a non-fasting Malay Muslim during Ramadan.

So this time around, I'm going all out proactive and shit. Already, some light has emerged through all my digging.

I have always taken insane risks. Some blew up in my face. Others, paid off handsomely. There is no looking back. No second guessing. When I push forward, I go 100%.

Fuck all the people. They don't know what the fuck is going on. Let them run their mouths. When they're wallowing in guilt and self-pity, I'll be where I always am. On the bleeding edge.

You're talking to a man who has nothing left to lose. I'm not a millionaire. I'm not responsible for anyone. I don't owe anyone anything. Oh yeah, PTPTN. Well, fuck that, man.

This year, I was tempted several times to do some really evil things. Pure evil. I sat down with myself, even unleashed my dark side, and I did not sell my soul for any of that.

My soul is up for sale, though. US$400 million. I laugh at all these amateurs who traded theirs for so much less. If you're going to be an asshole with no principles, with no hope of achieving true happiness, you might as well be ridiculously rich.

I sleep well at night. Granted, it may be only three hours, cause I juggle so many things it makes me want to puke, but those three hours are hardcore guiltless sleep.

This year, I saw time and again how the karmic wheel works. The amount of evil you put out into the world will be returned to you tenfold. The amount of goodwill you put out will also be returned to you.

These things happened before my very eyes. There is no price, really, for your integrity and honesty. And if I die, eating garbage by the streets, I will die an honest man, eating garbage off the streets. There is no compromise.

I also got rid of my superhero dementia. I am no superhero. A demon lord, maybe, but not a superhero. I can't save anyone. They are all fucked, and there is nothing I can do about it. Oh well.

Truth. Freedom. Independence. These three got me into so much trouble. But it's the only way I want to live. I'm not like one of those cowards who pretend to be shit. I AM shit. And while some may hock their freedom and their ideals for a piece of stale pie, I'll just sell my ideas for some fresh pies.

I am the smartest man of the century. The greatest this world has ever seen. I listen to the past and see the future, while living in the present.

Fuck next year, I am carving my kingdom with my own two hands, and I will wear my crown upon a troubled brow.

Fuck the garbage. Fuck the baggage. I shrug off this yoke, and I am free.