I'll be the first to tell you that I'm scared.
Knees shaking and shit.
Things didn't turn out too well in 2010.
My father's situation is on a steady decline. He started mouthing off random shit since early last year and it has progressed somewhat.
The doctors keep trying some small switches in medication. Every time they do that, I research what each drug does. Some are to improve his balance by targeting his inner ear. Some lowers cholesterol. Others affect the viscosity of his blood. And then he's got one each for all his conditions. He's on a cocktail of 11 different pills. That's a lot.
I was hoping that 2010 would see some sort of improvement, but I don't think it's happening.
Some of my other family members are facing some of the toughest times of our lives. Not saying we're screaming or yelling in anguish, but each of us made arrangements in our own manner.
Land was purchased, and construction may be started. There shall be a re-arranging of living arrangements and accomodations.
There are court cases, which apparently has been brewing since three years ago or thereabouts.
There are three very young members of the family to think about.
As a family, we are not as free as we were say, five years ago. Each has done what he or she needed to do, regardless of what bullshit other people threw our way. Regardless of what crisis or problems that has drained our energy, finances and emotional well-being.
Ever thought why I went for New Age philosophy? Cause if it wasn't for self-discovery, I would be in the loony bin right now. No mere mortal can cope with these things without either going for full-on denial or developing a strong enough mental, emotional and spiritual sense to weather each and every storm.
Now, I'm not saying we are facing the most difficult time amongst all families. This is not a competition to see who is in more pain. If it is, then I'd gladly lose. I'm just sharing what kind of shit I'm going through.
And we have NEVER used any of our connections to make miracle money. I'm starting to wonder, why not?
But that is not even an option for me.
I play by my own rules, and stand by my own beliefs. I'll live by my words, and die by them. It's all I have, in the end.
In the following months, I will be facing even more complicated quuestions and decisions. Like my Yu-Gi-Oh deck on my PC, I have seven different card effects/mini combos with five large ones.
Any of these five combos work, and I can breathe easier next year. Despite all the things that has happened, I am still a creature of Dream. As such, I define reality.
I call for Judgment. If there are higher powers out there, in here, wherever, be it God, Science, Eywa, Atheismo or whatever the fuck you call yourself, I call in whatever good karma I have done and hope that I can settle all this bullshit and move on with my life.
