Monday, December 6, 2010

Lesson of the Day: Toys in the Attic

I woke up today at close to 8pm, when I ordered some pizzas from Domino's.

After receiving them, I went out to teach some young kids about documentary filmmaking.

I came back, and the pizzas were still waiting for me.

Naturally, I strip off everything and ended up watching Detetective Conan, naked, eating pizza. I need to catch up on my work tonight, as my most recent attempt at quitting smoking has rendered me almost narcoleptic - hence sleeping till 8pm, and the pizzas can sustain me till morning.

I love food at their maximum Scoville. Meaning, I like food that is extremely hot. Back home, my concoction of the sambal belacan can beat anything on this planet.

The secret is to crush the seeds of the chilli - my family grows mutant chilli cross-bred from South African and Indian breeds. The naga jolokia - which stands at over a million Scoville (the scale to measure hotness) - does not stand a chance to our mutant breed.

So, yes, I am a lover of incendiary food. For the Domino's pizzas, I put all the dried chili flakes I could find in the package on them (I always ask for extras).

As I was eating, I began to feel a burning sensation on my balls. I was not smoking, so it couldn't be stray embers landing on my scrotum.

Venereal diseases that include symptoms of burning sensations include syphillis, which can cause blindness and madness. But I have always been very careful. Plus, the range of wide-spectrum antibiotics I have taken in the past few months and years would have wiped out any syphillis strain. Plus, if it was syphillis, then the penis would feel it, not the scrotum.

Another possible cause would be an insect bite or a sting. So I began using my hands - with the help of a small mirror - to check on my balls.

I see no lice, crabs or any insect bite marks whatsoever. But I did find... A CHILLI THINGY!

Apparently, because I was eating while naked, some bits of the dried chilli flakes dropped on my uncovered balls and caused the reaction.

Oh well. Nothing to worry about, then. I wiped my balls with a piece of wet tissue and then tried neutralising the damn chemical using first an alkaline-based solution, and then an acid-based one.

At the end of it all, it just took some meditation and breathing exercises to alleviate the pain and turn it into a soothing sensation instead.

The lesson is - do not eat while in the nude.