Thursday, May 20, 2010

Amir Hafizi: Feminist

As the world's greatest feminist, I fight for the right of women all over the world to fuck around.

As long as she is not tied to any man, woman or thing, she should be allowed to fuck as many man, woman or thing as she wants. In fact, society should support this. Maybe even make it compulsory. Five dicks a week, or we want our money back.

Seriously, though, I am blessed because I was born with a dick. I can get away with so much shit. I should be thankful, shut up and just beat my wife, right?

Well, I come from a family of extremely strong women. The men in our family, we're all aloof. We couldn't care less. When there is a problem with something, we beat that thing until it stops moving.

We men are free spirits, in my family, so the women are the ones who hold the entire family unit together.

My mother was one of those full-time housewives. At the time, there were few options, and I sense that even until today, she yearns for freedom. This has affected us four siblings in different, yet similar ways.

I have my own lifelong pursuit of freedom and independence. The thing four of us share is that we do not need any other person to fuck our lives up as we are entirely capable of doing that ourselves.

Coming from this background, it was quite shocking to me when I got out of my all-boys' school, and found that a lot of women in Malaysia are submissive.

I had high hopes for women, when I was in school, because I have seen what a society governed by men would be like. Full of ass-rapes and demonstrations of power and fantasizing about being in a triad. I go to girls' schools, and they all smell better. Except KaTaK (Kolej Tunku Kurshiah).

So I got out, right, thinking that women would be smarter and have better ideas. What a great disappointment it was to discover that women are just as stupid as men.

They are just as egotistical, just as arrogant, and have the capacity to be just as spiteful and violent.

Women are not going to save the world. In fact, the family unit - one of the greatest evils perpetrated on mankind, by mankind - is fully endorsed and instigated by women. I can blame them for it because I'm a man - an ANCHORMAN!

I was back at square one.

It was then that I fully understood the futility of being sexist. So I went to Thailand and became SEXAY! All over, all these nubile girls started calling at me, "Hey, hansum man!" and when I wasn't wearing any underwear, or pants for that matter, they call out, "Hey, SEXAY man!" and "Want to go boom-boom in my loom? I lap you long thyme!"

I do not understand why, as a man, I am expected to start and decide everything.

One girl asked me, "You like my hair long, or short?"

Me: I dunno. How do you like it?


Me: Okay... how do you take a dump with long hair? Doesn't it like, touch the shit or something?

Bitch: So you like me with short hair?

Me: I didn't say that.

I also find that some girls believe they are taking care of my ego when they ask me for opinions on matters they are experts in.

Slut: I need to buy a business suit. Do you think my eyes go with mauve, or fuschia?

Me: Erm...

Slut: I think blue eye make-up is more suitable for me. Plus, it has Acai berries, which is pronounced A-sa-ee, by the way. What do you think?

Me: Uhh...

One thing I do know - I hate Femi-Nazis.

They are just as bad as ass-rapists, propagate hate and are ultimately insecure. If a race riot happens, I'm going out with my machete and I'm killing Femi-Nazis.