Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Annoying Questions

I spent the day today, not encountering a single annoying question. Which, to me, deserves some sort of celebration.

I once asked very annoying questions, I am sure. And perhaps I still do. But thank God the questions are not aimed at me. I'm selfish like that.

Perhaps the most annoying question I ever asked, was, and because we just remembered her passing, to Yasmin Ahmad.

After being asked by some people, my curiosity was piqued and I simply asked her, "Yasmin, were you a man?"

She paused, then answered me and told me, "Amir, if anyone ever asks you this question, ask them to do as you did."

"What did I do?"

"Look me in the eye and ask me that."

I was just bumbling through life. It wasn't balls that got me to do it, but a sheer disassociation with humanity. But, nevermind.

Tonight, I open this bottle and drink in her memory. Alone, in my apartment, as my friendship with her - as with many others - were private and personal.

Indeed, more people asked me the 'Yasmin question', and some, even asked about other people. Very personal questions. So much so, that I have established a routine for it.

"Is he gay?" They would ask me.

I usually would allow a pause.

And then, "I don't know. I never slept with him."

They would usually laugh, nervously, and ask me, "So, you're gay?"

I used to be angry at this. I mean, first of all, what fucking business is it of yours - unless I am hiring you for sexual favours and you need to know what to shout out as I fuck you in the ass - to know my sexuality and secondly, no I am not gay.

In my sister's words, "You're too dirty to be gay!" Which, I told her, is also a stereotype. I have met gay people who are dirtier than I am. In all sense of the word.

However, explaining to these people that I am not gay can be seen as a defensive act, to cover my homosexuality. So far, I have yet to find a suitable answer, but for homophobic guys, I would say, "Ada jugak sikit-sikit." Just to fuck around with their minds.

I do have some unmanly traits. For one, I don't beat up women or cheat them of money. It is very unmanly not to do that. Women function as cows, and it is our right to fuck them over - literally and figuratively.

Secondly, I like musicals. I don't love it. I can't name the tracks in Torch Song Trilogy, but I do know the words to Phantom of the Opera, Sweeney Todd, South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut, Cannibals the Musical and Baseketball which is basically a movie with songs in it.

I am sure I am not the only heterosexual who can sometimes find it difficult to say that no, we're not gay, we're not metrosexual - and are in fact retrosexual - but we believe in sexual freedom.

Because of this, I believe it is time for me to set up a kind of loose organisation for straight people to promote sexual freedom and acceptance. This organisation should support such efforts done by organisations such as Seksualiti Merdeka by opening it up wider for straight people to promote a conducive environment for everyone to be whatever they are.

Sexual equality should not be a burden only for the repressed minority. It is always counter-productive to disinclude the majority.

Since I believe that the majority of the people are straight, I also aim to capitalise on their financial muscle and strength in numbers to embezzle funds and finally make me a millionaire.

I think I'll call it: Remaining Men Together or STRET - if I can find something to stand for the acronym. We'll ogle at chicks' breasts and masturbate to cartoon porn or some shit. Maybe organise a trip to Thailand to 'reinforce our heterosexuality'. And perhaps be the first of many sexual freedom organisations to get Government funding.

"Towards making Amir a millionaire and promoting sexual freedom everywhere."