Saturday, March 6, 2010

Raiders of the Lost

I slept almost throughout the day and found myself, at night, in a GRO bar with a chrome pole.

I was sitting there, with my friends and fellow Knights of Bukkake Chee and Cheepork - Chee being there with the express permission of his wife - when five people in uniform showed up.

I wanted to get up and leave, my instincts telling me to run.

However, the GRO said it was normal, run-of-the-mill business. And that we should stay. And we stayed.

Five minutes later, the doors were barred by big burly men and a tudunged chick got up on stage and were telling us, in Mandarin, to queue up on both sides of the bar.

Men on one side, girls on the other. I didn't know where the transexuals had to go, but since I didn't see any, it was not an issue.

All our Identity/Identification Cards (IC) were taken, and we were told to wait.

So there we were, waiting to pee into tiny plastic cups, as Chee apologised profusely for bringing us there. He was apologising so much that I was afraid the big MBPJ guy behind us would hear and think we had taken a cocktail of ketamine, heroin and washed it down with E.

Soon, more and more people were released, as MBPJ took the speakers, leaving the establishment with only an amp. I struck up conversations with the people there.

There were two other Malay dudes who were worried when I told them that I saw a photographer, and some journalists milling about earlier.

Guy: So, were they taking pictures with the camera?

Me: (No, they are just practising carrying the camera and hope to build muscle definition ). Yes, they were.

He looked really troubled at this, though from his missing fronth tooth, as well as general dishevelment, I do not believe he is a celebrity.

Guy: Were there reporters?

Me: I am one.

Guy: Yes, but were there reporters here?

Me: Yes... I am one.

Guy: Is this going to come out in the papers?

Me: Not mine. I don't think so. (At least, not during the weekend).

He was really unnecessarily troubled.

By this time, we were perhaps the last few there, and I went up and kicked up some fuss as I wanted to pee for the past 45 minutes, but the toilets were guarded by MBPJ dudes.

So I went up to the Mandarin-speaking chick who kept on rattling "Just five minutes", in Mandarin, for the past hour and a half. What a bad Muslim. For lying.

ANyway, she was merely doing her job. If there were any hanky-panky orgeneral stupidity, it's the powers that be. The people on top of this State Government, and Government.

Anyway, I went on stage, and said:

Me: Hello, I'm sorry, but I haven't had my IC returned to me yet.

Girl Officer: Oh, okay, I'm sorry, what is your name?

Me: Amir.

GO: Wait, ah. What is your full name?

Me: Amir Hafizi Bin Mohamed Sood.

She rattled around, and I wanted to pee so much, I was ready to start a revolution.

Me: Fight the power!

Me: I have two other friends who are also waiting, as well as these gentlemen over here.

They called me up, and I got my plastic cup and was told to pee. Apparently, I was given number 6 (Prisoner Number Six woo hoo!) but their decision to confiscate the sound system meant that when they called me up, only someone with super-hearing could have heard.

So I went and peed, and was told to wait for a few minutes as they dipped some strips of paper into my urine and tried to determine whether I was pregnant or not.

Me: What are you guys testing for? Ketamine?

Guy: We test for everything.

Me: Pregnancy too? May I know the pH level of my urine, and whether or not my red-blood cell count is high in my piss?

Fortunately, he never heard me.

Within 15 minutes, I was at the back, waiting for Chee and Cheepork. I was waiting for either of them to resist arrest so I could jump in and yell "Take Beer!"

Cheepork made an unheroic bee-line for the exit, and I was with him outside when Chee also got out. Our urines were all clean. My only regret was that I did not eat petai beforehand.

So we went bar-hopping. The next bar was similar, but smaller and had an act going - three singers, one guy and two girls who sang to techno.

Who on earth sings to techno?

It was like K-Pop, the SUnway version. With a little bit of Hokkien Pop thrown in. H-Pop, S-Pop, in the fashion of K-Pop.

One girl on the floor had a moustache and was fat.

So we made a beeline for the exit and tried to go to a third bar.

Upon the discovery that the bar, too, was being raided, we decided to call it a night and went our separate ways.

All in all, it was the first time I was in a raid, and was thankful JAIS was not involved. If they did, I would have been forced to become a suicide bomber, at JAIS headquarters.

Me: Lalalalalalalalalalalala! Durga durga!

I do believe that Islam has been bastardised by organisations like JAIS, JAWI and JAKIM and Jar-Jar Binks. I just don't do anything about it, because I don't care anymore. It is no longer my problem.

ANyway, it has been an eventful night. Filled with raids and H-Pop.

Thanks to all who participated. Chee, our host, Cheepork, the designated driver and Timo with his friends. As well as heartfelt congratulations to MBPJ and their officers whom I spoke to. May the money go to the right person.