People who come to know me personally are sometimes surprised that I watch Oprah almost religiously.
I mean, they see me as a foul-mouthed animal who does nothing but masturbate all day.
That's not true. I don't masturbate all day. Even though I could. But that's what people think.
I am a walking paradox to people who don't understand the multi-faceted nature of humans and prefer the sides of a box.
So yeah, I watch Oprah AND the shock jock Howard Stern. I listen to both Chris Rock and Russell Peters.
I go and see Thai prostitutes, and I am for feminism. How fucked up is that?
I celebrate intelligence and stupidity. In equal measure.
I am both Malay and Chinese. And mixed. Confused? Nope. I know exactly what and who I am.
I hate this country, and at the same time I love it.
Some time ago, I received an offer to work in another country for around three times my salary. It was everything I could ever want. Horseback riding, diving, gym equipments, a villa, a four-wheel drive. FREE.
Surprisingly, I did not say yes outright.
Then they offered me four times my salary.
For the time being, I am shelving such ambitions. Unless it's something I really, really can't refuse.
A lot of my friends are leaving the country. My dearest friends, some of them. Two left before Raya, this year, and three more will leave after raya.
Though I cheer them on, I have yet been able to bring myself to leave Malaysia, despite all the hatred. Despite all the stupidity.
This surprises me more than anything else in the world.
And despite my unhappiness at the Malays, how they are and how they treated me, and how much I disagree with the Muslims of this country, I often find myself called to defend them.
I don't think it's right for Malays to be marginalised or blamed for racism. Especially when it takes two to tango. I don't think it's right that Muslims are often dismissed as backwater bullshit daughterfuckers.
I do not believe that Islam is worse than any other religion out there. I refuse to believe that Malays are an inferior race, simply because I do not believe in an inferior race.
Yes, I do not subscribe to marriage and family and breeding to be the epicentre of the universe. I often mauled the Malays for this sheer stupidity that got a lot of them in debt.
But I did it so that some of them, or at least one of them, would do something. Or would not do some of those things.
I went through that angst-ridden part of my life and I'm approaching 30 already. I'm turning old, and Republican.
If Malays want to go and do that, hey, there is no one to stop them. There SHOULD be NO ONE to stop them.
I have often learned again and again in my short life that the most valuable things in life are freedom and independence. And if the Malays and the Muslims are free to do what they want in this country, then they already have the most valuable gift in the world.
And despite everything, I do believe that empowered people will empower others. It is the lie of scarcity, the lie of the 'other' that is evil.
I realize that I am shouting, not to change others, but to keep others from changing me. Which is silly. Because only I can change myself. Only I have that power.
FUCK OFF, BITCH!