Wednesday, April 30, 2008

The Man of Tomorrow

So 10 years down the road, I walk up to the bar and, even though my blood is already six parts Dry Vermouth and one part gin, ordered a pint of Shoggoth’s Old Peculiar.

Then the bitches came through the door like there was a park nearby and a walker lost hold of their leashes and they all came in to get a drink.

I watched them through the reflection in the Guiness metal plate behind the bartender.

Bitch number one, a witch, started playing pool. Her face was covered in bruises. All of their faces, in fact.

Bitch number two had to use a cane to walk. Bitch number three wore big sunglasses to hide the purple imprint of a knuckle at the bottom of her left eye. Bitch number four looked helpless and out of place, as always, and she brought kids with her. Seven of them. To a bar.

Then they opened their traps and started yapping.

Bitches: We are all bitches, and we all rejected you 10 years ago. And your curse fell upon us. And we all got what we deserved. Boo fucking hoo.

Me: Boo fucking hoo.

An acknowledgement it was, or an amen.

Bitch one started her solo, while still playing pool.

Bitch 1: My ex-husband ran away with all my money. But not before beating me senseless with a golf club. Then he raped me with a washing machine.

Then bitch number two started to chime in.

Bitch 2: I wanted to save the world, remember? Well, the world gave me THIS.

And she held out her lame leg.

Bitch 2: My boyfriend ran over it. With a fucking BMW he got from old mumsy. Six times he drove over it, and then backed up again.

Bitch 3: What about me? I got beat up for 10 years and he pierced my clit with a tyre iron.

Bitch 4: Through all my attempted manipulations, my faggot husband left me for a guy and left me with seven kids to feed. As well as AIDS and cancer.

I had enough.

I went out, took off my clothes, and showed them what I really am. What I have become.

Me: Behold! Underwear-Model-Man!

And the bitches all sighed and moaned. And started masturbating.

Bitches: Oh! If only we sucked your dick 10 years ago! Please! Please! Fuck us in the ass!


And then I flew to outer space and destroyed the universe. And went on my way to nothingness. For I am Underwear-Model-Man, the Man of Tomorrow!