Sunday, April 13, 2008


This is the seventh day.

Every time I hit a snag in life, every time I encounter a weakness, I go to a place to recollect and refocus. Usually, it's Phuket. Most of the time, though, what's even more important, is to retreat into myself.

Close all doors and windows. Sit in the darkness. See myself in the mirror and watch what kind of monster I've become.

Then, it's time for some mindfuck. There is no one else. There is no universe. All those people. Not there. Never there. Never was.

What exists is only me.

There are no women who will try to control you or whore themselves out for money, control, power, admiration, approval.

No men who will try to fuck you in the ass.

No one to backstab you. Ridicule you. Fight with you.

No animals. No plants.

Their words. Their actions. All mean nothing. Absolutely nothing.

If I let any of that, even a single little bit, to affect me, in any way, I am surrendering myself, control over myself, to other people. And control over me is the most valuable tool I have.

There is no desire. Just let go. There are no emotions. There is no time. No space. Just me.

And I have the advantage of myself.

People who put so much effort and faith into image, will one day grow old and ugly. People who covet money will find out how finite it is.

People who put so much into belonging and being part of a group will find out that everyone in the group is out for themselves. That they will backstab you first chance they get. Abuse you. Blame you. Justify their mistakes by pointing their fingers at you.

I need to find my center in a maelstorm of bullshit. I need to let go of everything.

There is no lust. No porn. No words. Just me. And my craft. I need, I will get better at it. Until I am perfect. I will have no children, so the only way I can evolve is through me.

No distractions. No words or thoughts or emotions from others. They are worthless. Meaningless. The only words that count are mine.

And so I am alone. In the dark. And now I need to go to sleep. A nap.

This is, after all, the seventh day.