Tuesday, April 22, 2008


It’s an old Queen song. And it’s also something that has almost always encapsulated my nonexistent heart.

I mean I am, after all, a Malay. In whatever form. And jealousy is part of our culture.

I have always been gripped with jealousy. I see rich people. Really, I see rich people. I hate rich people because I want to be rich.

Another thing is that I see people who are better than me and I am jealous.

I have only met two women who are better than me at something I like. I have met only one man who has a more complete package (not referring to dicks) than me. And I am jealous of them. Jealous of them all.

My first instinct would be to destroy them. I am, after all, Destruction. I am Fenris the wolf. The wolf beneath the tree. I am Baal, the Lord of Destruction. Yadda-yadda-yadda.

However, in those troubling times, I go back to American History X. The black dude asked Edward Norton, “Has anything you done made your life better?”

Jealousy will still exist. Envy will not go away. But what I do with it is more important than how I feel.

My jealousy will drive me to the brink, to the edge of the cliff and it is at the rim of this discworld where I shall prevail.

I will do better, greater things, or I will die. Well, I will die anyway, so I have nothing lose.

I am envious of rich people, so I will become richer. I hate people who are better than me, so I will be better than them. Or die trying.

I got nothing to lose.