I have decided to defend Islam. Why? Cause it's the religion which needs the most defending nowadays, and all-a-you flag-burning extremists don't know what you're doing.
Islam needs better PR and MY PR is better than anything they have right now. At least in Malaysia. I saw some really funky, good preachers internationally. But in Malaysia, it's all about sending people to hell and not eating pork, and how pigs are bad and shit.
Who the fuck gives a shit about pigs?
I mean, come on. PIGS? What the fuck, man?
The best defence is offence. And I am a genius at offence.
So I met a man who claims to be Buddhist the other day.
Buddhist-wanna-be: So, Islam bad, Buddha good.
Me: Ah, a Buddhist.
BWB: Yeah, I fuckin' kill the Islams, man!
Me: Wait a minute. Didn't Buddha preach about tolerance and one with the universe and shit like that?
BWB: Oh. Uh. I dunno. I am Buddhist. Tremble before my Buddhism.
Me: Just when you think it's safe to be a Buddhist - POP QUIZ, MOTHERFUCKER!
BWB: Oh, shit.
Me: Okay. Who was Buddha's first disciple?
BWB: Ummm...Kuan Ying?
Me: EKKK! Tatta! Tatta was the first disciple, foo!
Me: Second question. Who was Buddha before he was Buddha (The Enlightened One)? When he was Siddharta.
Me: Clue - He was a prince. Of which part of India?
BWB: Buddha from India. THAT I know. Ummm...Mumbai?
Me: Ekkkk! Kapilavastu! He was from Kapilavastu, foo!
Me: Now, did Buddha have a son?
BWB: Ahah! Buddha never got married cause it's a sin to -
Me: Says who?
BWB: Well, the monks don't get married.
Me: Buddha had a wife AND son, foo! What was the original name of Kuan Yin, before being Kuan Yin?
BWB: Ummm...Lee Kuan Yin?
Me: EKKK!!! Avalokitesvara - the Goddess of Mercy, foo!
BWB: Damn! How'd you know all this stuff?
Me: I read the comic books. And newspapers. Why are you against the Islams, man? Shouldn't you go after China?
BWB: What for?
Me: Cause they attack Tibet and shit.
BWB: What's Tibet?
Me: *BARF* You know...the place where the Dalai Lama is and shit.
BWB: I think llamas are not cute.
Me: No. The Dalai Lama. Not llama.
Me: Forget it. So, you wanna destroy the Islams?
I REALLY WISH THAT I WAS MAKING ALL OF THIS UP. THE FOLLOWING IS, FORTUNATELY.
BWB: Well, most of my friends are Christians. So I know more about Christianity.
Me: Okay. So you do know that a new Pope is installed, right?
BWB: Yeah. Everybody knows that.
Me: His name is Jean-Claude Van Damme.
BWB: Yeah, I knew that!