I have found my dream vocation. I am going to be an underwear model.
Not just ANY underwear model, I'm gonna do only ONE ad a year - for Victoria's Secret's Victor's Secret Lingerie for Men. The straight ones. No homo ads for me.
Yeah. Cause I'm worth it.
Me: Check out these pecs, baby, uh-uh.
Bitch: Oh My God! It's that guy from Conan the Librarian Victoria's Secret's Victor's Secret Lingerie for Men ad campaign. Conan the Librarian - the perfect melding of brains and brawn! *Faints*.
Slut: He's beautiful! And he's not gay! *Dies*.
Cunt: Me love you long time! For free! No! I PAY YOU! *Explodes*.
I'd be like Marky Mark, but sexier. Tyson Beckford can (figuratively) kiss my ass.
Then they'd invite me to become a judge on America's Next Top Model All Stars.
Tyra Banks: Next, we have noted nude photographer Mr Amir Hafizi. He is also the greatest that was, the greatest that is, and the greatest that ever will be.
Twiggy: And now, ten hours of worship for this modelling God. Followed by a pious orgy.
Me: You're not invited, Diva Runway Coach Miss J Alexander. Go fuck Jay Manuel. And that Nigel Barker closet homer-sexual dude. And Jade. I fucking hate Jade.
Miss J Alexander: Awwww.
Jay Manuel: THIS time, I be the woman.
