And so I, Underwear-Model_man, floated in the nothingness.
And I was bored. So I decided to create a world.
I shat somewhere near a star and a world was born. the seeds of plants I ate began to take root and animals ran atop the hard piece of shit, eating the leaves of plants. Or each other.
I took some stardust and breathed life into them, and placed them on the world. And so man and woman was created.
Under my shadow, they prospered. Under my shadow, they were safe. I fought deadly beasts of nothingness and made sure their crops received enough starlight.
And then they sacrificed virgins for me. Though they were not virgins. Not really.
Virgin1: I let boys fuck me in the ass, to ensure that my maidenhead remains true.
Virgin2: I wore the tudung, even while fucking, even while aborting my fifth. I wore the tudung, so I am a virgin still.
But I did not complain. There are no such thing as virgins. Not today, not tomorrow. Not in this world.
And everything was fine.
Until one day, one of them asked me, "O Lord, who are you?"
And I told them, "I am Underwear-Model-Man - the Man of Tomorrow. I created you."
And I told them of my past. And of my present. And of my future.
And they said, "Oh, you must come and sit and sup with us and tell us stories! We have so many questions!"
And so I did.
I broke bread and shared salt with them. And told stories by the fire.
Until one day, a whole bunch of them seemed to have disappeared.
"Where did the others go, I asked them?"
"Oh, they are building a statue of you, to show how much we appreciate you."
And I let it go.
By nightfall, they took me beneath a cliff. They sat me down there, and I told them stories. And then, I heard an ominous rumble above me. A huge iron nail rolled down the cliff and pierced my back.
The others on the ground waited with anticipation in their eyes.
"What...what is this?"
"Well," said one, "We were certain that you were a star. Stars function with nuclear fission or fusion, as you told us in your stories. And nuclear thingy can be stopped with a big metal thingy, possibly lead or iron, is pushed into it."
"I am not Morningbright," I said. "I am not a star. I am a black hole."
"Oh shit," they said.
"Here, here," said one. "Tell us another story."
"I already told you all that I know," I said.
"Yes, we know," he said. "But we need to keep you feeling useful so we can still use you for our benefits."
"You stab me in the back with a giant iron nail and still you want to manipulate me? I will not even ask why."
"So now what?" asked another.
"Now I shall leave you. But before I do, I will grant you all your wishes. Those with ambition will fulfill it. Those who crave money and wealth will get it. Those who want to breed will breed like no tomorrow. Those who wish to laugh at other people shall laugh at other people till they die."
"But...but...why? When we have wronged you so."
"Because," I said, "This is my curse. 'The price of getting what you want is getting what once you wanted.' Neil gaiman wrote that. So now take it. Have it. Be whatever you want to be. And by morning, I shall be gone from you forever."
And after night is done, I went and flew trillions of light-years away, and I ended up in Phuket.
In the arms of the go-go girls, all shall be forgotten. But never, ever, forgiven.
This too, shall come to pass, because I am Underwear-Model-Man - The Man of Tomorrow!