Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Man of Tomorrow: For the Man Who Has Everything

In my travels, I have seen the future. And what a strange future it is.

The most terrifying element, though, was meeting my future self.

I was minding my own business in the timestream, in the nothingness, when suddenly somebody knowcked me to the newly-created ground and bound me with shackles and entrails.

Over me stood a man with twelve-pack abs and a giant laser cannon on his right shoulder.

Me: Who the fuck are you?

Zen-Master Sexay: I am you. From the future. I am Conan the Librarian, I am Zen-Master Sexay.

Me: Fuckin' A. I am Pimp Masta G, Underwear-Model-Man - Man of Tomorrow.

ZMS: Well, I come from an even more distant tomorrow. A more distant future. Like, twelve years from now, when you're 40. I mean, when we're 40.

Me: That's bullshit...

ZMS: Remember the time when the four Thai girls did a circular hurricanrana and you were the eye of the storm?

Me: Holy shit! So what's up with the shackles and all?

ZMS: Well, I am still as impatient as I was 12 years ago. And I want you to understand something that took me, I mean us, 5 more years to master from your current point in life.

Me: And what could that be?

ZMS: Zen-Mastery.

Me: Fuck Zen!

ZMS: I mean, seriously, dude. You're so fucking angry right now. Full of hate and despair. You should be like me. Well, you will be, it's just a matter of time. And I want to speed up that process. First, you need to learn to let go of shit.

Me: Fuck that shit, man! That motherfucker Milx aka Mahathir Buang owes me - US - RM11,700. I'm not letting THAt go.

ZMS: Well, this is a spoiler, but 12 years from now, Milx will be gang-raped by career-dog-rapists with mutant erections.

Me: Whoah.

ZMS: In public. Live coverage. On ESPN.

Me: What kind of sport is that?

ZMS: Well, in the future, Milx owes everyone so much money that ESPN came up with a new reality sport called Let's Rape That Asshole's Asshole or LRTAA. In some countries, it's called Goat Milx?

Me: Sweet! Finally! Revenge!

ZMS: That's the thing I wanted to talk to you about. This revenge thing. Stop it.

Me: No. I am the Spirit of Vengeance. I take revenge.

ZMS: Pfft. You've been the Spirit of Vengeance before. You took revenge for the bad things people do to you. And they all suffered and shit.

Me: Yeah, those were fun times, watching them squirm and suffer and shit.

ZMS: Fun? But what has that ever done for you? You just wasted your time. Instead of using it to make money and form an armour of success no one can penetrate, you simply wasted precious resources, setting up traps that destroy lives.

Me: So what do you expect me to do? Just LET people walk all over me. People are stupid. They need to learn, like that Pavlovian dog, that every time they cross me or backstab me or manipulate me, they will either live an excruciating existence or die a painful death. That's it, man. Otherwise, they'll keep stabbing me in the back.

ZMS: Well, they won't stab you in the back if you don't let them stab you in the back. The problem is that you TRUST people too much.

Me: I don't trust people. People are idiots.

ZMS: Results show otherwise. If you didn't let them close enough, or turned your back to them, or showed any form of weakness, they wouldn't even be able to find an opening. It was your fault.

Me: Mmmmm...point. But...

ZMS: And the women who betrayed you, man, you have to let them go.

Me: Why?

ZMS: Well, 12 years from now, they will all die, raped by giant robots. In fact, ALL your friends and enemies and mentors and whatever shit would have died by then - either of global warming, nuclear winter or raped by giant robots.

Me: Okay, that's fine. But why should I let it be now?

ZMS: Because it's killing you, and because it's not cool. You see, you go around, demanding to be loved -

Me: Fuck love! You can't be me! I don't talk about all this shit. I don't use the L word!

ZMS: Look, I'm you from the future, and here's the truth: no matter what they do to you, real or imagined - cause you are fucking paranoid and shit - you'll still love them. So just let all that hate and whatever else go and accept that. And move on. Cause they're not worth it.

ZMS: And whatever other people do to you, or say about you, it won't have any effect on you whatsoever, as long as the voice inside your brain is louder than the one outside your head.

ZMS: And more, you need to start manipulating people.

Me: I do not manipulate people. I do not want control over other people's lives. It's too much responsibility. All the other motherfuckers do that already. I don't play their games. I see it, but I won't play it. Cause it's stupid. And irresponsible.

ZMS: But you would manipulate them for the greater good.

Me: Nope. I will not lower myself to their level.

At that point, I managed to break free from my shackles and started to fight Zen-Master Sexay.

Me: I've had enough of your crap! I'll kill you, motherfucker! Shin! SHINE! SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRKKK!

ZMS: You forget that I know of all your attacks. I am, after all, YOU. STONER! SUN! SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!

Me: Urgh.

ZMS: Now, I shall cleanse your mind and manipulate you - myself - to my own will. I will enter your-our- mind and we shall become one.

ZMS: Wait...what's this? You knew about all this already?

Me: urgh...what is my - your - our - favourite sin?

ZMS: Pride...vanity.

Me: You came here, thinking that you have an advantage by being from the future. The Zen bullshit ruined your mind. You didn't count on one thing from the past that you no longer have - the power of DESTRUCTION!


Me: Can you dig it, sucka?! Now, I blow up your head!

ZMS: But...destruction is Creation. When you create, you destroy, and when you destroy, you create.

Me: I've had enough of your bullshit. DIE - ME! DIE!

ZMS: This...will create a paradox...

Me: Not if I intended to go back in time and have the old me kill myself in the future.

ZMS: We shall see.

And I burned the body of Zen-Master Sexay. What an ass. Peace-loving motherfucker. Manipulative asshole. I hate that fuck.

So I walked from that place and found somebody who looked exactly like Zen-Master Sexay, alive and well, sitting on a rock.

Me: So?

ZMS: I just came to say hi.

Me: I'll fight the future, bitch!

ZMS: What you resist, persists.

Me: Don't throw that Jungian crap on me, motherfucker! I swear to fulfill my vengeance! For I am the Vengeance of the Lord!

ZMS: In time, you shall grow up.

Me: Iiiiiiiii dont want to grow up! Iiiii'm an Ann Summers kid!

ZMS: No one understands that what you're singing is a parody of the Toys R Us jingle, and they don't know that Ann Summers is a sex toy maker/dealer.

Me: Who the fuck gives a shit. So, are we going to fight?

ZMS: Nah. I just came by to say hi. I'm older than that freak you killed. I have more experience.

Me: Fuck you, me. I mean, fuck me.

ZMS: Gotta go.

And he flew off into the night sky.