Friday, May 23, 2008

Man of Tomorrow: Futurama

So I went to the Press Club. I walked in, and there were people talking about how Vitamin C caused World War 2 or some shit.

I was like, "What the fuck, man?"

So I went and sat down anyway and Rocky asked me, "Hey, did you lose weight?"

Me: Yeah. I'm gonna be an underwear model next year.

Rocky: Did you do it for a girl?

Me: Hell no. That would be stupid. All women ever respond to are money and a ticket to heaven.

Rocky: So did you do it for a guy then?

Me: ...

Rocky: ...

Me: Well, I did it for myself, and I'm a guy, so I guess so, I did it for a guy.

And there was more blablabla.

And some more blablabla.

And then I found myself talking to myself.

Me: Hey, Zen-Master Sexay! I thought you're dead already.

Zen-Master Sexay: Nah, I sensed a disturbace in the force. What gives?

Me: Nothing. I just finished something, so that feels like a large piece of shit out of my ass.

ZMS: No grungies?

Me: Well, same old shit about people not understanding what the fuck it was I was writing about.

ZMS: Ah, they do that all the time. Stupid people.

Me: Yeah, But I am in the communication business. Media and shit, yo! If people start getting the wrong messages, what difference is there between myself and a cheap-ass two-dollar flirt who thinks she's some kind of high-class prostitute?

ZMS: look, as the person you will be five years from now, I have to tell you that no one will EVER fully understand what the fuck you're talking or writing about.

Me: But it's all so simple!

ZMS: To you. But observe this. You are making references to obscure movies and cartoon series. And then all that stuff from Norse mythology and Greco-Roman shit and stuff. As well as shit you learned in school. NOBODY remembers what they learn in school! That's why they're stupid.

ZMS: And here's the clincher - everybody thinks everything is about them, so even when you qoute from the Old Testament, they're gonna think it's about them.

Me: Jesus on a dildo! That sucks, man. And they said I was paranoid.

ZMS: You should wait five years from now, when your own movies start to get shown. They'll study it in universities as if it's some sort of shit-ass cuneiform motherfucker without a Rosetta stone.

Me: Shit. Like RoboCop?

ZMS: Like RoboCop.

Me: Man, I like RoboCop. The first movie. It's all about the ads, man! Paul Ho-Heaven is a fucking genius!

ZMS: They're gonna compare you to Nit-Shit, though.

Me: Nit-Shit? God's in his heaven, all's right with the world? Or was that Goethe. Whatever.

ZMS: Instead of Nihilism, they're gonna say that you're an annihilist. The first. The original. You'll start a movement of avant-garde weapons of mass destruction. Malthusia will be your country.

Me: Malthusia? MY country?

ZMS: Yeah. Every third child is executed upon illegal birth.

Me: Yeah, that'd be cool. Say, tell m the truth. Why are you here?

ZMS: Well, it's too hot in the future. You - me - us - we managed to increase the temperature of the earth by six degrees Celsius, ending all life on earth.

Me: How'd I do that?

ZMS: Well, in 2010, the temperature rose by 3 degrees. You convinced everyone that the solution is to build gigantic air-conditioners. As big as Mount Kilimanjaro. Some idiot tripped the switch and a massive fire broke out, killing everyone.

Me: Right.

Then I took a barstool and clobbered Zen-Master Sexay to death.