Thursday, May 8, 2008

The Loneliness of Command



Man, sometimes I wish I was a kid again. I wish I could crap my pants and not feel guilty about it. I wish I could smear brown streaks on the walls and not give a fuck. I wish I could dump shit on people and feel nothing but joy and fun. Bliss.

Ah, youth is wasted on the young. Life is wasted on the living.

I am currently responsible for a lot more than just myself. I sometimes feel like, if I crap out the wrong shape, somebody's life will be destroyed.

The Sword of Damocles is laced with a poison called guilt and responsibility.

It was so much easier when all I had to worry about, all I had to focus on, was my OWN work. Not other people's. Now I have to take care of both. Shit.

I also have to uphold justice, truth, and the way of the magic. What the fuck do I look like? The fucking Justice League?

It has its rewards, though.

I've always hated it when hardworking people, smart people, let themselves be victimized by stupid shit motherfuckers who play the victim game.

Fuck that, motherfucker.

So anytime anyone wants to play the blame game and start pointing fingers, I'll be there with a giant axe, cause I'm the fucking hatchet man.

You point fingers, motherfucker, I'll point one back at you. And in the words of Eminem, "It's not the ring, the index, the pinky or the thumb - it's the one you put up when you don't give a fuck"

And then I'll hack off all your fucking digits, motherfucker.

Some people, it is ingrained in them to make sure that accountability is not with them. They will have failsafes and whatever shit so that no blame can come to them. That's why in many organisations, lots of people don't want to make decisions. They don't have the balls to shoulder the burden of responsibility should something fail and they don't get any increment in their pay.

I've always operated from the belief that I can be fired tomorrow. That I got nothing to lose because I have thought of all worst-case scenarios.

If I really get screwed in KL, I'm packing and hauling my ass back to my village. Where I will plant fucking vegetables and eat that for the rest of my natural life.

Or, if I get really bored, I'll go and kill myself. Cause for me, there are only two possible outcomes for my life - either I become the greatest or I die.

So if I fail, I'll go and kill myself. No use living if I am not the best at what I do.

But I haven't failed, have I? In fact, I'm kicking ass.

Despite all the shitty things that happened - the betrayals, the lies, the manipulations, the paranoia, the slips, the mistakes, the rejections, the sabotage, the whatever shit - I am still alive. And well. I am still the undisputed champion.

And there is nothing in this universe that can stop me now.