Friday, May 9, 2008

Man of Tomorrow: Fight the Future

And so it began. The final battle. Underwear-Model-Man, Man of Tomorrow, Pimp Masta G, The Malay Male, Prince of Phuket, versus that ass Zen-Master Sexay.

Me: Fuck you, bitch! Una-beam! Repulsor ray! Optic Blast!

Zen-Master Sexay: You goin' Cyclops on me, bitch? I go GRANDIZER on yo ass! Space Thunder! Double Sickle!

Me: You broke fourth wall last time, you fucking Mongolian!

ZMS: Oh, that. You can't stand that, can't you? Nothing's gonna harm you...not while I'm around...

Me: Stop singing and fight me, asshole!

ZMS: We're only fighting ourselves. I'm just you a few years from now.

Me: I'll fight the fucking future. If the future looks like you, no one wants to live in it.

ZMS: Funny. Last time I checked, there were 6 billion people from my time.

Me: Only 6 billion? I thought they'd be more?

ZMS: Well, 4 billion got killed by global warming, nuclear winter and some got raped by giant robots.

Me: Oh, yeah, I forgot. Anyway, I'mma kill yo ass, motherfucker, same like last time. You fucking inner-adult.

ZMS: Hold up, bitch! Don't you remember what this was all about?

Me: Yeah, me kickin' yo punk ass motherfucka, motherfucka!

ZMS: No. You. Remember what this was all about? You became the devil so you could fight angels. So there would BE angels. Where are the angels now, bitch?

Me: Who the fuck gives a shit about winged fags? Gekigan! FLARE!

ZMS: Open the gates! Reverse Lotus! Truth be told, no one got your message. No one understood. No one understands. You want to spend the rest of your life preaching to idiots?

Me: So?

ZMS: Truth is, there are no angels. By becoming Lucifer, you only become Lucifer. Get my shrift?

Me: Fuck all, broseph! I'mma STILL kickin' yo ass!

ZMS: Here's the thing. You got lost in all that posturing, hoping for the world to hit you back cause you were some form of negative energy -

Me: I am a creature of despair! I am DESTRUCTION! I am Fenris the Wolf! Anger, Sadness, Hate!

ZMS: Ashes to ashes. You resisted because you wanted to see more of the good shit. But people are stupid. They didn't come up with good shit. They didn't come up with anything. People are sheep. You WERE their sheperd. Now they're all going to hell.

Me: There is no such thing as hell. Ahmad Kamal Abu Bakar stopped blogging already. Again.

ZMS: Fuck, man. How do I get through to you? Your efforts will come to naught cause it's like downloading the entire knowledge of humanity into an ant. It's like preaching to roaches. They're resilient as shit, but will never write comics.

Me: Fuck you and your zen bullshit. I am what I am. A barbarian. Barbarian X!

ZMS: WHatever. But you have to grow up some day. You inherit the earth. You have to take care of it.

Me: No. I refuse that responsibility.

ZMS: But you took on an even bigger responsibility before this. Your existence deformed the universe. Remember your training.

Me: Fuck my training. This isn't about my training.

ZMS: No. It's about you and where do you go from here. You can stay as you are, or you can simply be whatever you want to be.

Me: The king of dreams learns he must either change or die.

ZMS: Exactly.

Me: I will stay as I am. Pain, anger, despair, hate - all this makes great art.

ZMS: No. Let me put it this way - sum up Neil Gaiman in one word.

Me: ...sensible.

ZMS: Alan Moore.

Me: Madness. Majestic. No. Madness.

ZMS: Brian Michael Bendis?

Me: Empathic.

ZMS: Are any of them Destruction?

Me: I am Destruction.

ZMS: No. You, me, us - we're -

Me: Madness? Cause I am talking to my inner-adult who just broke the fourth wall, which is invisible. At 4am.

ZMS: Nah. You, we, are perfectly sane.

Me: So?

ZMS: Well, we're -

And then a rift opened in the time-stream. Out popped an old man with 108 packs on his abs. And TWO giant laser cannons on his shoulders.

ZMS: WHo the fuck are you, bitch?

Old Man: I am called Pimp Masta Dragon. I am the leader of the 108 dragons. I come from your future. And get this - I'm you.

Me: When the fuck did this become and Arnold Schwarzenegger movie?

Pimp-Masta-Dragon: Well, it's true. In the future, China is dope.

ZMS: WHoa. They took over the world?

PMD: They took over the dope business. So yeah. They rule the world. Cheap ass crack made by slave labour. Oh, by the way, the politicians in this time got their wish. All the Chinese went back to China. All the Indians went back to India - some got lost and went to the UK.

ZMS: And the Malays?

PMD: They migrated to Saudi Arabia. Chasing heaven under robes and the hot desert sun. All they got was skin cancer.

Me: SO who the fuck stays here?

PMD: You. Me. Well, you. Us. We wanted to migrate, but it proved too difficult, so we drove everyone out with giant robots. If migration won't come to Mohamed...

Me: To build my kingdom with my own two hands.

PMD: Exactly.

ZMS: SO who else is there?

PMD: Thais, mostly. And some lesbians. I don't remember. I mean, I am 108 years old.

Me: Fuck that. I'm not living past 45. I'll kill myself before I reach that stage.

PMD: Well, stuff happens.

ZMS: SO why did you come to this time?

PMD: Um...I forgot. 108 years old, you know.

Me: get on with it, old man!

PMD: All right, all right. I'm supposed to tell you guys that...

ZMS: Yes?

PMD: If Anwar Ibrahim ever gets into power, everyone is fucked.

Me: Fucking hell?! Everybody knows that!

ZMS: Yeah, man.

PMD: A period of 50 years of darkness follows the reign of ANwar, where humans will be enslaved by aliens in cahoots with that turncoat Anwar and put into a virtual reality world. Man is no longer born, but harvested. To power giant batteries. That's why I built the giant robots - to fight Anwar.

Me: Ah! I'm still kickin ALL your asses. PLANNING SUICIDE A FEW YEARS FROM NOW.

ZMS: No! No! Noooooooooooo!!!

PMD: Fuck yeah, man. I should have died years ago. But my dick kept on fucking.

And they all died and all the worlds of the future were destroyed. Take THAT, ANwar Ibrahim!