Thursday, November 4, 2010

Political Suicide

A few people asked me whether or not I am going to enter politics, since the entertainment industry is dying.

And I was like, "Dying? What?"

The question came, after I suggested some projects to help the poor in Kuantan. They see anyone trying to do good as vying for political office.

Well, I told them that if I were to enter politics, my issues would be the legalisation of prostitution, the recognition of the marital institution as legalised prostitution (housewives gets an allowance for all the blowjobs they give) and whore universities.

My motto would be: "Two wives in every kitchen. A whore on every dick."

Fellatio and Cunnilingus will be taught in universities and colleges.

As your politician, I am not pro-abortion. I am Gung-Ho-Abortion. Pregnant women will be captured and their fetuses aborted forcefully, after a dose of morphine. I am humane.

There's not enough food or oil or subsidies or oil subsidies for everyone. All babies must die.

If I'm voted Emperor, I will also hold Rempit Competitions. Rempits will be rounded up and forced to compete in Ghost Rider Lookalike contests. They will be doused with gasoline, lit on fire and pushed off the KLCC skybridge. Best Ghost Rider impersonation wins a bike!

Also, to save costs, there will be weekly jousting tournaments for Rempits, also on the KLCC skybridge.

Drug addicts will be rounded up and given 10 times the lethal dose of their preferred drug. So pot smokers will survive, but goodbye crackheads.

I'll hook them up to a self-administering rig. So they're technically suicides and will go to hell, and I didn't kill them.

Racists will also be rounded up and be forced to mate with people they hate. For racist women, tough luck. Racist men? You will be wishing you're racist women before they are through with you.

People who torture dogs will be given the same torture. Dog-lovers who ram this shit down other people's throats everyday will be fed with bullshit until they crap grass.

Homosexuality will be encouraged, but only among men. Lesbians can only have sex if a man is present.

Anyone who addresses another as 'macha' will be arrested and undergo DNA tests, and DNA therapy if necessary, to ensure only 'machas' call each other macha.

All rich kids will be forced to work on death railways.

All ISA detainees will be released, and then executed. And then the trial.

UMNO will be forced to call itself PKBM Baru. PAS is back to PIS-M. PKR will be called Loser Anwar Fanboys and DAP must go back to Singapore.

In fact, fuck the parties. There will be only three political parties - Terran, Zerg and Protoss.

ALL festivals and holidays are cancelled, to be replaced by Festivus. Jedi is a recognised religion, under my rule. Everyone is free to practice any religion, because all beliefs are sacred. Except Scientology.

I will also add the Black Magic Regiment for the Army. All bomohs will be rounded up and their abilities weaponised. We will enter a pelesit into the Olympics.

ALL fax machines will be re-designated as FUX MACHINES and then outlawed. I FUCKING HATE FUX MACHINES!

AFter telling them all this with a serious face, they STILL think I'm running for office!

Okay, new rule: If your IQ is below mine (160++), you die.